16 & Preggers: Double the Babies, Double the Fun!

I’m putting this little domestic violence/kidnapping arrest shot right up front so you don’t fall into the same trap I did. Since the above teen dad Josh is a. ugly and pimply, b. fat, c. unemployed and d. soft-spoken. I thought his baby mama must be with him because he was a nice guy. I was all, “Gee, teen mom Jennifer’s parents are so PARANOID. Give the guy a chance.” (This was before I saw that he wears a chain around his neck, ok?) I was young and dumb. So that you can enjoy my beautiful naivete, my original recap remains below, unabridged and unedited from my first viewing!

In the word of the indubitable Mitch Hedburg, may he rest in peace:
“I believe in preserving the world for our children, but not our children’s children, cause I don’t think children should be having sex.”
Amen.

Okay, so I think I’m starting to see 16 and Pregnant storyboard here. Scene 1: awkward scene with disappointed family. Scene 2: talk about the beginning of your relationship with your baby daddy.  Scene 3: The CONFLICT! Scene 4: friend asks awkward contrived questions. Watch and learn!

First we meet Jennifer. She’s a little Hispanic cutie with a purple streak in her hair. I had one of those when I was 16, but I did NOT have two fetuses inside me. That’s right, count ‘em – Jennifer’s having twins, fraternal boys.

Baby having babies

Jennifer’s parents bitch about Josh, the baby daddy, who they really really really really hate. I can’t even think of a good simile for this kind of hate. Think fat kid loves cake, but with hate. Josh isn’t allowed in the house: “You got my daughter pregnant – you’re lucky you stand in front of me for what you did!” says a very angry poppa bear. Apparently Josh boyfriend is older than Jennifer, which isn’t hard since she is basically a fetus herself, although he doesn’t particularly seem it. The parents think he’s a creep and blame him for the impending babies. Since she’s only 16., I guess it’s all the boy’s fault? Last time I checked making babies usually takes two. Jennifer’s parents keep their dour faces on, and Jennifer giggles uncomfortably and often like the tween-ish kid she is.

I actually like her boyfriend at first. He was very excited to show her the crib and carseat he bought her, and he has a nice soft voice I find relaxing. Things go downhill fast when Jennifer and Josh explain how the pregnancy occurred: Josh convinced her not to use condoms, because he was too shy to go buy them. Jennifer wasn’t that upset about being knocked up at first, until the twin news: “I thought I’d have one little creature in me, not two.” Nice phrasing. Luckily for everyone involved, having twins means we get an awesome sonogram scene where the technician points out that one baby is teabagging* the other in the womb.

*one baby’s balls are on the other baby’s face! AHAHHAHAHAHA

My opinion of Josh rapidly lowers as he explains to Jennifer why he refuses to try to reconcile with her parents: “You think talking’s going to make everything better?” Um, yes, that often does help. I believe there are entire professions built upon the very principle. He tells her, “you’re going to have to make a choice,” between her baby daddy and her actual mommy and daddy. That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Why can’t both sides be supportive? What’s done is done, and Jennifer has been done. Double done.

Last week, it was who gets to be in the birthing room. This week, it’s whose last name will the babies have? Momma and Daddy Jennifer and Josh want the babies to take Josh’s last name, but Jennifer’s parents refuse. Apparently, having your own children take your last name is a “treasure that Josh has to earn.” I’m pretty sure that’s actually something that our stupid patriarchal society takes for granted, but okay, I’ll go with the gramps on this one. Hello, has nobody heard of a hyphen? That seems like the win-win solution here. However, they also won’t throw Jennifer a baby shower, which is sad and also stupid because she’s going to need a TON OF STUFF!

Josh’s parent, on the other hand, are SUPER EXCITED TO BE GRANDPARENTS!! Maybe a little too excited about the grandkids. Looking at their nasty sons, maybe that gave up hope long ago. Josh’s family offers to throw a baby shower since Jennifer really wants one. Jennifer’s parents are invited, but they won’t go; apparently their hatred extends to Josh’s family. Jennifer parents also say that if they have any sort of baby-havin’ party at their house, Josh can’t come. Is there some history about why Josh is such an asshole that I don’t know about?

To top it all off, Jenniferhas her first day of school when 34 weeks pregnant (8 and a half months for you right brained people.) She has transferred to an alternative school which lets her take time off for babies. Apparently they don’t allow mtv film crews, however, because all we get of the day are those dumb little sketches. Everyone basically wants to rub Jennifer’s tummy and find out whether the twins are love-babies, bastard-babies, whore-babies, etc.

Only a few days later, Jennifer and Josh have their one year anniversary dinner – which means they’d been dating three months when the conception occurred. (I have to call it conception to avoid any sexualized mental images. EHUEIHEUHWSJDUW(DHWU  eww) Jennifer looks adorable in her dress, and they both seem relatively calm and happy… or is it bored? Disinterested? I can’t tell. When dessert comes, it’s not dessert – it’s a ring on a platter! Josh proposes right there, on their year anniversary and a week before the babies are due. Jennifer seems pretty lukewarm – no bubbles and rainbows coming out her ears – but she says yes.

Unfortunately, that means we are about to have some PISSED OFF grandparents up in here. Jennifer tells her mom first; she looks pretty guilty, like a little girl telling her mom she broke a vase or something. Josh then has a scary sitdown with Jennifer’s mom. By the look on her face, I’m surprised the man-child hasn’t turned to stone. Her mom refuses to say congratulations.. This is so sad. Clearly she is only 16 and way too young to get married, but I personally think it’s nice to be engaged nonetheless. They have already said they don’t plan to get married immediately. Seriously, what happened with Josh in the past???

After last week’s ridiculous horrific vaginal birth, c-sections are lookin pretty laidback and nice. This time we don’t get to see the c-section, but that’s really probably for the best. We get a nice goblin-baby picture, but after that it’s all good.

We also get this gem. Is that Toad?

And here’s the downside of the c-section: Jennifer can’t get up for a few days, and is in a ton of pain. She can barely pick up those little bundled up taco babies. Jennifer decides to go with Joshua’s last name for the babies, because, as Josh puts it, “They belong to me, not [your parents.]” Yes, babies are possessions. Eep. A very awkward call then takes place. Jennifer and her mom are supposed to be talking, but it ends up being a shouting match between Josh and the mom. Everyone is really making this quite awful for Jennifer. Her mom even threatens to call hospital security and get Josh thrown out. Yes, he is disrespectful. He’s also the father of your grandkids. Why is this so hard to understand? Tons of people have shitty in-laws. It sucks, but there’s not much you can do.

If I had to guess, I would say Jennifer’s parents probably reached out to Josh in the past and he denied them like an asshole, and now they really don’t want to do it again. Jennifer’s mom bites the bullet, apologizes, and lets Josh come home with the babies, but it’s a painful ride – Jennifer moans at every bump, and Josh starts whining almost instantly. Every time she cries out it’s easy to remember that she’s only 16 a little baby herself. Once she’s finally settle,d a traditional Hispanic Family Gathering begins, with relatives pouring in. Jennifer’s little brother Antonio is so cute with his little nephews! Of course, Josh gets pissed off with so many loving family members trying to be supportive all up in his baby mama’s face. She should have ONLY HIM!

What is up with all these caveman-y super-possessive families and daddies???  When I have babies I want tons of family and friends and my baby daddy and everything sharing my baby!

To placate Josh, Jennifer agrees to take the babies to his house. At first I wanted these kids to make it work, but now I see Josh really is a tool. On the car ride over, he asks, “Do your parents wipe your ass for you?” When she asks to go home, he calls her a “stupid-ass bitch” and she breaks up with him. You go girl. He starts speeding all over the place. He pulls over to the side of the road and pushes her out, and Josh speeds away with the door still open and the babies still in the car IN THE RAIN! PLEASE CALL THE POLICE!!! Who has custody? I don’t know how these things work! Damnit, you should have given them your last name Jennifer!

For some reason Josh backs up to where Jennifer is calling her mom on the side of the road and starts throwing her around when she tries to get the kids, which you definitely shouldn’t do to someone with a giant C-section scar! Wow, I can’t  believe how quickly this went horribly. Josh is already calling everyone a bitch. Jennifer’s mom shows up and she’s like a vicious little chihuaha trying to get at him. Jennifer calls the police, finally, and they come and take Josh away. (Scroll up to the top for photo evidence!) It’s satisfying, but also really, really sad. The babies are four days old and this relationship is already irrevocably ruined. I hope.

Later, Jennifer is back at her house and rightfully PISSED OFF at Josh, when a relative asks, “What’s going on with your engagement and stuff?” Jennifer hilariously answers “It can go right up his butt.” The rest of the episode features no Josh, who spends a night in jail and apparently can’t see the kids. Jennifer keeps telling the twinnies Noah and Josh Jr. (oops!) that they’ll be okay without a daddy.

I’m so proud of that girl for getting out, and I hope she stays out. Who knew having babies could be so empowering? Maybe she was so submissive nad childlike before and wasn’t really taking care of herself, but the babies made her stand up for herself. After watching Teen Mom, I was expecting these to be Barbara parents, but they were really Randy parents: Not always listened to, but always right. I miss my mommy and I’m so glad she had me when she was 36! Go mommy!

This show always makes me want to go and have babies immediately. I am currently channeling that maternal energy into hamsters. Next week I’ll give you a sweet update about my new Syrian hamster, Herbert. Did you know all Syrian pet hamsters are descended from one female?!?! That’s what I thought.

Update: I watched the aftershow, crossing my fingers that this couple would stay split… but they’re “kinda” back together! NOOOOOOO. She’s waiting for him to ‘change.’ So upset. Bad role model. Girls, don’t watch the after show!

Double Update: TMZ now pictures a bloodied Josh face next to an article about Jennifer punching him in the face. They are having some serious court battles. I know domestic violence is never okay, but… you go girl!