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Baby say, enough drama!
So sorry for the extreme lateness of this. My last week has involved meeting Bill Cosby, the theft of my purse, getting laid for the first time in months and getting in to Hahvahd Law, which I will chalk up as a overall WIN for me and a LOSE for you since you didn’t get to read my awesome recap.
Also, it’s getting hard to convince myself to sit down and watch this when it’s so formulaic and depressing, and I know it’ll be a new girl I’ve never seen before each week.
This week involves the classic dilemma – what worse? A bad daddy or no daddy? There really is no answer to this; it depends on how bad the bad daddy is (say that 5 times fast!)
Why do these illustrations make everyone look literally retarded?
This episode focuses on Jamie, a sweet girl from North Carolina with a bad boy boyfriend. From the blonde hair to the horrible nose to the extreme nerdery, I can really relate to this mom and it’s freaking me out. She has straight A’s, but somehow got involved with Ryan. She has the somewhat strange dream of being a radiation technician. Oh North Carolina, how ambitious your straight a students are.
At least he has an honest face.
Ryan has no license because of his DUIs and tickets, and is a notorious partier. Plus he wears that stupid big hat. He has missed three baby doctor appointments because he has to be in court. My tastes ran more towards ambiguously brown manual laborers, but notably, none of them impregnated me.
Since Ryan has no license, the two take the bus to school, which is sad for a senior in high school but really sad for a pregnant senior in high school. This episode starts only a few weeks before the birth, and it breaks down like this:
Scene 1: Jamie and Ryan talk about how they met and got together. Boring and irrelevant.
Scene 2: Awkward contrived scene with friends, where they ask about the Big Conflict (will Ryan step up to the plate?) and about birth control (they were not using condoms or pills. Did she get an A in health? Do they have sex ed? Ahhhh.)
Scene 3: Awkward contrived scene where Jamie’s mom admits she wanted her to abort the baby. Oh god, poor future grandchild! Burn the footage!
The deep psychological issue at hand is that Jamie’s dad is a dick and basically isn’t in her life. He has a new family, isn’t supportive about the baby, and didn’t call on her birthday. In a wonderful technology age turn of events, he found out about the pregnancy on myspace, then texted Jamie “please please no baby.” (I wonder if that’s how he reacted when she was conceived?) He looks just like the creepy uncle from Napoleon Dynamite!
Just imagine you’re in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by tiny little seahorses…
Jamie wants little baby Maia (I like the name!) to have the dad, so she’s wishing and hoping and praying that Ryan is going to get it together so Maia doesn’t continue the generational cycle of daddy issues.
Just a few days before labor, Jamie goes out with her friends to get some social time in before the baby. And where do they go? The amusement park! What a great idea to bond with your friend who can’t go on any rides! It’s so sad watching her cheer for her friends as they ride They do have good pregnancy food, though – candy apples and funnel cake. At the park we learn that Ryan is planning the baby shower.
He pulls it off pretty well – his stepmom runs it, he wears a pink shirt, there are games. Blah blah blah.
We also get to visit Jamie’s school, which as a special day care for student babies. My high school didn’t have that! We had secretive abortions instead. The baby will unfortunately have to ride the school bus in a special school bus car seat. Really sad that they have those.
At home, we see that obviously Jamie’s mom – who is pretty cool – doesn’t like Ryan at all. She even says that if Ryan comes over when the baby is born, they can’t share a bed. It’s a little late for that, grammy. Jamie and her mom also agree that Ryan can’t have the baby alone, at least at first – which makes sense to me, since he’s an irresponsible partying idiot.
“Where did I go wrong?”
In fact, on the night she goes in to labor, Ryan is out being an irresponsible partying asshole, and Jamie can’t get ahold of him. He waltzes in hungover around hour 5 of labor. This is pretty much a horrible sad labor scene. Her dad’s missing, ryan sucks, her mom doesn’t want the baby. Shes throwing up. They might have to use forceps to help pull the baby out. I don’t like that… my little auntie’s brain was squished by forceps in the 1950s and then she died. Oh god theyre putting surgical instruments up in there. I don’t like it! I don’t like it!
i don’t know.
Finally, little Maia is born. This baby is actually a little less instantly gross than the others. Maybe cause it’s a girl! Everyone cries, and thing seem okay for a second… but then Jamie sends Ryan home cause she is pissssed. Jamie’s dad at least shows up with flowers, making the day not a complete loss for the daddies.
Once Jamie brings the baby home, things are sad and quiet. Ryan and Jamie fight constantly and almost instantly break up. Ryan wants to take the baby to his house – does he understand it is ONE WEEK OLD? He wants to have alone time with the baby, away from Jamie, and Jamie puts the kabosh on that. They both cry. Hick crying is awful. There are hiccups and stutters.
“But we could always pump and give me enough to feed her!” Never thought I’d hear that from a guy in that hat.
Ryan looks like such a kid in this scene. He’s crying so much he can’t even breathe and is rocking back and forth. He does seem sweet with the baby though, holding her close and giving her kisses. But he continues asking her to take the baby alone, and they keep saying no.
Instead of, you know, seeing his baby at the mom’s house, he is pretty stubborn after this and won’t come over, claiming fear of Jamie’s mom. If I were him, I’d be scared too. That mom clearly had her own idiotic baby daddy and isn’t going to stand for it twice. Luckily for Jamie and her mom, Ryan’s name isn’t even on the birth certificate, so he has no parental rights thus far.
At least Maia’s still a patoot!
There is a boring almost reconciliation scene, highlighted by baby Maia dressed as a ladybug. Jamie goes to a party at Ryan’s, where they fight and he calls her mom a bitch in a roundabout way. At least Ryan wants to be around Maia, enough to cry about it all the time like a pansy, but he won’t let up that she has to come to his house. Jamie and Ryan are clearly over. Having a baby really pops the relationship bubble, and Jamie starts to see that she was delusional to think Ryan could be the daddy she was hoping for.
When Jamie finally returns to school, she’s exhausted and behind. Everyone stares at her, but not for the typical we know you had a baby reasons – everyone knows Ryan has been cheating on her, even on the night she went in to labor. DOUUUCHEEE. “Who cheats on their pregnant girlfriend???” asks Jamie. “A douchebag. Ryan.” her astute friend replies.
After this, Jamie decides to have full custody of Maia – no kid for Ryan. Can you do that? I thought the dad had to be abusive or dangerous or something; maybe they can get him for neglect. This is awful for Jamie, since she really wanted her baby to have a dad. I hope she’s doing this actually for Maia, and not what Ryan accused her of – using the baby as a weapon against him for cheating on her.
It’s like looking in the mirror. Right before a sneeze.
At the end of the episode, Jamie is reconciled to raising her baby on her own. “I know where I want to be in life and I know where im going to be in life.” Slightly uplifting, I guess, but she looks exhausted and sad. Whoever said this show glamorizes teen pregnancy is an idiot. Yea, cute babies are great; go work at Jamie’s daycare. I’m going to go take 18 birth control pills.
Sorry for the lateness, I’mma get on the new episode stat!