16 & Pregnant: Dr. Drew Fixes Everything

The one and only Dr. Renaissance Man is back for our reunion episode. How is this Dr. Drew qualified to counsel teen moms, sex addicts, drug addicts and dole out sex advice? Don’t they conflict? What if he was hungover, thought he was on Love Line and started giving a sex addict advice on how to spice it up. Or started randomly drug testing teen moms? Although that might not be a bad idea..

The reunion takes place on a typical teen set. There’s trendy brick walls, bright colors and a middle aged creepy man with glasses. Dr. Drew keeps telling us who he is but he really doesn’t need to because he’s probably delivered most of these girls himself.

The first mom up is Kayla and her accent is killing me already. It’s like every word has a mandatory minimum of 16 syllables.

 

Do you come with a translator?

Kayla reveals that she is still engaged to J.R. but she got pissed off that J.R. was checking out girls on the Internet. When she confronted him, he lied about it and she feels that he can’t be trusted. Dr. Drew digs a little deeper and it turns out that it was all an innocent slip up.

Ah wuz chay-keen oudeez phown ay-and ah sawuh uh guryurlz peekcher een ees phown.
(I was checking out his phone and I saw a girl’s picture in his phone)

J.R. also admits that he sneaks into Kayla’s room to make happy time. She currently has an IUD but she was on the “Pills” before she got pregnant. Yes, ladies and gents. She was on ALL of the pills. She couldn’t remember to take them, which I mentioned in a previous recap is the number one reason teenagers shouldn’t take the Pill, and that’s how she ended up starring on a TV show. That’s actually not a bad trade off. J.R. says that ultimately he loves and wants to be with her. Then he launches into this Ode to Kayla in that southern drawl that just makes me want to donate my eardrums to science. Now.

J.R.: Ah love yew. Ah wanna grow old wit yew. Can ah hay-ave sum tonaht?
(I love you. I want to grow old with you. Can I have some tonight?)

Dr. Drew mentions that they are luckier than most because they have education, jobs, supportive parents but it’s still really hard. And then he tosses them to the side without any help or direction so he can get to the real juicy stuff. Christinna “Rumble” and Isiah “Jungle.”

Christinna says that she swabbed everyone’s mouths for the infamous DNA test but no one wanted to pay to send it off to be tested. WTF! So all of that for nothing!

DNA test $40.
Processing $30.
Humiliating your entire family on MTV?

Par for the course.

Also, it turns out that the school that gave Isiah a scholarship didn’t offer married student housing. He was supposed to turn in his transcript but he didn’t. Well, well Grandma Crazy, sounds the golden child dropped the football on that, not Christinna. Isiah comes out and it’s revealed that he cheated on Christinna before they were married but she found out after they were married. How did Christinna find out? That damn cell phone. Cell phones are one of the best and worst inventions of this century. It’s ruined Tiger Woods’ , Tony Parker’s and Isiah’s relationships. And one of mine too but that jerk had it coming. Dr. Drew just glazes over it which is dumb because when you’re a teenage girl, cheating will consume you and everything you do. It’c clear why he skipped over it though because he jumps to the DNA test and how Christinna deals with Isiah’s kin. WTF dude?

Kin. That’s what you people call family right?

He didn’t even get into the meat of the issue. I want names, measurements and stats on the hooker. They also reveal that they are not using contraception now and they didn’t use it before. Dr. Drew tells them to get condoms ASAP. He’ll even buy them for them.

Poster children for everything wrong with America, MTV and this show

Eeew. I hope you got your cootie shots.

Dr. Drew tells them that they’ll be broke forever if they have yet another mistake and that they should use condoms to prevent that from happening. If this show has little to no affect on the actual participants, what is it really doing for teenagers of America? Personally, I would like to get pregnant if it means I’ll be on the cover of US Weekly. Anything that gets me closer to meeting and marrying Zack Morris….

We move on to Brooke and Cody. These were the two that liked race cars and living in sheds. Brooke immediately says that this situation wasn’t as hard as the other girls because she had a lot f support. She hates leaving her baby and is crying on stage because she misses the kid.

I hope you don’t mind Dr. Drew but I’m actually imagining that I’m talking to a really old version of Brody.

I’m really not sure if this is healthy or not. It’s good to love your kid, if you’re into that kind of thing, but to practically be weeping? I’m a little freaked out by this display of affection and so is Dr. Drew because he just cuts them off and moves on to the next mom. Even Cody and Brooke look surprised but we can only listen to caring parents long enough. Let’s get to the disasters.

Nathan and Megan AKA Pinky and The Game. We get plenty of shots of Moriah the Manhandler telling off Nathan. Luv that girl! Update: Nathan and Megan got engaged but they just broke up a day or two ago. He moved into his grandmother’s house but he still stops in to see the baby every day. Megan is just pitiful. It’d be sadder if sex hadn’t premeditated this. Seriously, everyone warned her about this very thing and I’m finding it hard to accept that she was okay with a non-working, video game playing loser. She just giggles and smiles uncomfortably throughout the whole thing and I’m worried about her mental state. Her mother better keep her away from sharp objects. Then again, her mother couldn’t keep her away from penis so I hope this girl gets some real help.

Next up, Alex and Felicia. Of all the teen fathers in the entire world, I despise this one the most. Felicia is crying before they even start talking. It’s hard watching the Evil Alex in action. Felicia says that she has no true friends and she’s lost a lot as a result of having a baby. Felicia’s mom had a baby when she was 16. Dr. Drew asks if her mom was mad.

Chee was not mad ah me, chee threw me in the street.

Bless her heart. And her language barrier. Dr. Drew proceeds to enable the living crap out of Alex when he asks about Alex’s upbringing. Alex turns on the waterworks and starts talking about how his mother raised him and he didn’t have a father around to show him how to be a man. I get it. I really do. Been there, done that. However, once you become aware of an issue, work on it. Not having a father doesn’t excuse being a dick. Seriously, he couldn’t put down his fast food dinner for two minutes to feed his own kid? Save it drama queen! Dr. Drew milks this crap for all it’s worth and asks Felicia to understand where he’s coming from. Felicia’s mom looks like she isn’t buying one solitary word. Dr. Drew encourages one of them to make a move and Felicia scoots over towards Alex. Good job Doc! Felicia can always fall back on being a doormat if being a pushover doesn’t work out.

Alex and Felicia are still living with her mom but momma’s moving soon. Dr. Drew asks where and she says that she’s renting the house so that they can have a place but she’ll be nearby. I know there’s a slight language barrier so I had to rewind this a few times. Is she saying that she is going to rent out her house to them and she’ll get a different place? That’s what it sounds like to me but I culd be wrong. Someone please canonize this woman ASAP. That’s if she doesn’t cannibalize the baby. She says that she won’t be far because she loves the baby. It’s a sweet baby. Chee likes the baby!

I throw the baby over my shoulder for good luck and then eat it like a hot dg!

Bob, call security.

She really likes that kid. Markai is coming up next and if any of these girls are on track to become the next Amber Portwood, it’s her. It’s not due to man beating either; it’s her potential to be tabloid fodder or at least another 8 months. The internet has been abuzz over her writing online that she had an abortion but supposedly it has to be hush hush because it’s going to be a very special episode soon.

Dr. Drew asks about the whole cheating controversy. James swears that he only loves her and Markai just doesn’t want to be hurt. James insists that he wants to be with her for her; not just because she has a baby.

I luhyu gurl. Point blank, period. Exclamation point, comma. Question mark, ampresand.

Dr. Drew asks how they’re preventing a future pregnancy and they respond Depo shot. Markai starts whipping her head around nervously though so I’m pretty sure something’s up (the abortion rate). Markai and James acknowledge the fighting and say that that’s just how they communicate. Dr. Drew says that it comes from seeing it while growing up and he gives out the website that will fix all of their problems.

Aubrey, who wore the eskim hobbit shoes to her wedding, and her Top Flight security hubby Brandon are up next. They’re still married and momma’s got a new pair of shoes but they are still living with Grandma Hates-A-Lot.

You just know that Aubrey demanded to be shot from this angle so we could see her new footwear.

Dr. Drew asks about who was present in their delivery room. Brandon says that his dad could not afford to take off from work that day and his mom is “away.” Where I’m from “away” means in jail. Do we have a Nelson Muntz on our hands? Not quite; it turns out she just took off when he was a kid. Close enough though. He never had positive female role models around him and his only other girlfriend was a dumb b*%ch according to Aubrey. Atta girl Aubrey! Show pizzerias around the country what they could’ve had.

Brandon decides to give us some comic relief and says that they are rich from their gold panning exploits and the pull out method is terrible. Aubrey is using an IUD now and Dr. Drew asks if they had sex classes in high school. Not sex ed, sex.

Actually yeah. We watched Loveline on these things called videotapes.

Aubrey claims that she would have gotten the IUD if she was made aware of it in high school. I swear I can’t wait to get a break from these horny little animals. WTF is wrong with condoms? Why are these girls acting like shots and implanted birth control would have solved all of their problems? Condoms are cheap, sometimes free and easy to get. Not unlike these girls *rimshot*. The only thing wrong with condoms when you’re a teenager is…what? I really want to know. Perhaps it cuts down on the sensation but you don’t pay bills or vote and if you don’t vote, you don’t deserve sensation.

UUGGGHHHH!!! Next we have Daniel and Emily. Emily was the smart, majorette who got knocked up by the smart majorette. Or whatever those boy banders are called. They are engaged but still living 45 miles apart. Emily is not in a rush to get married but her father would prefer that. Daniel is sitting in between them looking like a cross between Carrot Top and Edward Scissorhands in a Justin Beiber meets Greg Brady wig.

A. I can’t believe this kid got laid
B. I can’t believe his sperm was strong willed enough to make it to an egg.

Maybe they can borrow that DNA test from Christinna and Isiah because I don’t think Daniel has it in him.  Emily thinks that things will be really difficult once they have to be responsible adults and pay their own bills so she’s content at her dad’s house. Also, Emily never had a good relationship with her mom so she ended up rebelling against her and that played a part in becoming pregnant. Emily’s school taught abstinence only but I don’t buy this ‘let’s get angry at the school routine.’ Schools don’t raise children, the internet does. These kids have more access to knowledge than I ever did at their age so just stop it. Eight year olds know what condoms are nowadays and have probably plowed through more of them than I have.

This season, they decide to do a boys only segment. It’s mostly because they’ve never had enough guys around to do a boy’s segment. Dr. Drew starts by asking how many of them regret something they said or did on their episode. Alex doesn’t raise his hand. I have never disliked someone that I didn’t know this much! So Alex never did anything regrettable?! At this very moment, pigs everywhere are wondering who the f%&k is the douche that had them flying over the holidays. Incidentally, hell also got two feet of snow last week. One of the good fathers asks what was hardest to give up and Alex has the nerve to reply. He says that he gave up his childhood.

Man, I couldn’t play with Legos anymore or Lite Brite. I gotta use my baby’s diaper money on adult things like tattoos.

Isiah and James feel that they are better fathers than their own. Daniel says that they have to stick by their partners and if they don’t, it says a lot about their character. It’s a shame that half of the human race has to be encouraged to take care of their offspring but whatever. Dr. Drew teases the reunion between Ashley and her daughter Callie but this episode is still fresh in my mind so I don’t really care.

Dr. Drew states that out of 57% of teen pregnancies, only 1% ends in adoption. That’s pretty crazy. Ashley is watching her footage and is crying already. Her mom had the contraception talk but when Ashley actually asked to go onto the Pill, her mom told her that she should wait for the right time and person; kind of counterproductive if you ask me. Which you didn’t but so what. Debbie, Ashley’s mom, is thrilled with the results and Ashley still feels like crap about the whole thing. This is so awkward. I feel for this girl, I really do. However, I just can’t totally be on her side.

The baby would have ultimately become her mother’s responsibility. Sure the kid is cute and cuddly when it’s not covered in poop or interfering with college plans but when it is, Debbie would have been stuck. Although, Debbie is pretty stupid for not putting Ashley on the Pill when she asked for it. What’s the right time and person really? If it’s nt in high school with resident bad boy Justin it’s just going to be a few months later in NY with resident artist Jacques. Or guitar player Keith. Or cab driver Abdul. Or poet Chad. Or rapper Eric. Or landlord Steve. Or furrier Tony. Enough of my college days. The point is that Ashley would have given it up to some loser at some point anyway. Her mother didn’t explicitly state that she wanted her to wait for marriage and even then you may get a real jerk. Maybe Debbie should have kept that baby as punishment for her poor decision making. We didn’t have that info during their episode.

Ultimately, they’re satisfied with the results of their decision. Lisa and Kenny were away from Callie for a month while Ashley had her and they had to accept that she would not come back. Of course she ended up coming back to them and they are happy. Lisa also did not want to hand the baby over to Ashley during the reunion. Did you peep that?

The girls have their rap session and they bond over barely knowing their boyfriends before they started screwing. Dr. Drew says that everytime a sloppy whore finds another, a Maury Povich guest gets a bucket of wings. Christinna asks Markai for advice on how to get over the cheating but if you watched her man beating and continued resentment over it during her segment, you’d know that she’s not exactly the best person to ask.

I would beat him until I felt better about myself.

Kayla is glad that she has friends now because all of her other ones left her. It’s all so deep and emotional but Dr. Drew has better things to do and he wraps the show up abruptly. The babies come out and newsflash! Lisa is holding Callie not Ashley. I’m actually trying to spot Ashley but I don’t. Poor thing…maybe she and Megan can get matching padded rooms.

What’d you think? I just can’t stand Alex. I almost couldn’t eat my ice cream. Almost. And I just don’t know what to think about this Ashley thing; she is going to need decades of therapy for this one. Markai is definitely trying to be the breakout star and Christinna and Emily might fade into oblivion. They’re sweet but not compelling enough. Brooke might be asked to stay around just so that we can see if she ever buys that barn. What did you guys think? Can you believe that Christinna and Isiah aren’t on birth control of some sort? Who do you think they’ll pick up for Teen Mom 3 (assuming that they’ll go there and they will because it’s MTV).

FYI, I had the best week ever! I went to the Snooki Ball Drop in Seaside Heights (don’t judge me) and you can see me on their website on the New Year’s Eve “Fist Pump” video from 2:45 to 3:45. I’m not as big as I look; I had a lot of clothes on. Yeah, that’s it. And…I went to see The Pee Wee Herman Show on Broadway (don’t judge me) and he talked to me  after the show!!! He came out after the show and spent about 20 minutes talking to the crowd and making jokes. Specifically, he made eye contact with me and said “you, over there” and I said “me, me????!!!” and he said “no, the lady behind you.” I’m going with the theory that he was teasing me and I was so nervous that I didn’t catch on but the bitch behind me jumped all over that opportunity and shouted out that she was a cop from Chicago. Since when is any of that more important than being a writer for TVgasm, Snooki’s best friend and the biggest Pee Wee fan in the world?!?!?! At least he talked to me. Right? Right??

Thanks for hanging in and reading my drivel . It was rough getting through some of these episodes but it was worth the funny, sometimes thoughtful/educational, comments and the insanity that I got to experience. Pringles spit cans, hobbit shoes and living in a barn are just a few highlights. What were yours? Talk to you soon!