Let’s hear it for South America! Yeah I said it; I’m forcing North Carolina and below to secede. They are finally let loose from the barrage of MTV cameras that followed their region’s pregnant teens because MTV has found a new home in Prescott, Arizona. The lucky mom-to-be this week is Aubrey and she’s actually 17. Wha? I specifically watch this show for 16 year old pregnant schmucks; I’m pretty sure this is grounds to sue MTV. Calling Phaedra Parks now…
Aubrey’s parents divorced when she was young and she moved around a lot with her mom so she didn’t have a normal childhood. Aubrey became a bad girl and got into some trouble.
In Arizona, “trouble” is apparently dirty dancing at gas stations.
She met Brandon, they fell in love and moved in together. The cracks in this foundation are pretty clear already. When I was 16 or 17, I could barely go to a boy’s house let alone move in with one. The kid’s plans to shack up, become quantum physicists, cure cancer and grow the longest toenails were ruined when Brandon lost his job and they got evicted. Where’s a young couple to turn to in their time of need? If you guessed her mom, you were raised too well to watch this show. Now watch something more respectable like watch Deal or No Deal reruns. If you’re a teen parent, you move in with grandma.
“Someone please put me out of my misery. One twisted tube and this could all be over.”
Aubrey was a hard core party animal before she got pregnant but now she’s ready to be a mom and make sure that her son has a two parent household. Grandma Jan has emphysema, she was kind enough to take the children into her home and feed them bacon but make no mistake, she’s not thrilled about it.
“I don’t like babies. They suck. It was hell raising your bitch mother.”
Maybe that’s just the way I interpreted it? You just know that Jan is pissed that she got her daughter out of the house 20 some years ago and now she’s stuck with her offspring and their spawn. As usual, the kids plan to move out and get a job but aren’t actually doing anything about it. Grandma Jan sees right through their plan to mooch off of her.
Aubrey meets up with a friend of hers to talk and her friend asks how Aubrey got pregnant. Aubrey and Brandon went to a party and they were “too stupid” to be having sex (they were drunk and/or high) and she got knocked up. Her friend mentions that she’d hate to be tied down at such a young age because there’s so much she wants to do with her life. I’ve noticed a theme on these last few episodes.
The friends who dole out the best advice are black females or gay besties. For the record, I don’t believe for one moment that these people are really friends. MTV must have some kind of deal with Tyler Perry. And to that I say…sign me up!
The Black Card. Membership has it’s privileges.
Aubrey insists that her friend is wrong. Having a baby won’t stop her from getting her diplom-. Oh, I’m sorry. What was that Aubrey? Oh! You’re baby won’t stop you from getting a GED.! Well, I must say that you have just proven us all wrong. You CAN have it all. Why stop at a GED? You can also ROFL at DH while he works at KFC. Abbreviations for everyone!
Guess what y’all? It’s time to shop for the wedding and what better place to do this than the local Mandee’s? Aubrey starts checking out shoes that’ll match her wedding outfit. Wedding outfit? Has a certain ring to it.
I guess she’s going to the wedding dressed as a hobbit.
Brandon and Aubrey have breakfast and they’re eating bacon again! Is it possible for a baby to have man boobs? Brandon says that he hopes to have a job soon. Aubrey says it’ll be hard to pay off bills without jobs. Brandon says that he could work at Best Buy but he can’t answer questions about anything electronic. They’re not as dysfunctional as other couples but they’ve got to be the laziest. How do they afford all of this bacon on $0 a month? They go to the doctor for a sonogram and this is one of those moments where my heart just breaks. This kid didn’t ask to be born but he will be and these kids aren’t even diligent enough to get a job to give this kid some sort of hope.
Anyone else see Little Austin holding a makeshift gun with a rosary wrapped around it?
The wedding is the next day and they still haven’t gotten everything. They stop at a bridal shop and Aubrey is trying to find something blue but save money. Hmmm, something blue, used and cheap. Her pregnancy test!
The next day, Aubrey’s aunt helps her get ready because her mother, Shelly, is working and doesn’t really approve. Heidi, Aubrey’s aunt, tells her that she’s not happy about the situation and it shouldn’t be taken lightly. Just to be clear, I think they’re taking about the hobbit shoes. Her aunt tells her it’s all just too much to swallow and Aubrey asks “the dress”?
You think I can borrow Austin’s gun when he’s done with it?
Aunt Heidi is full of passive aggressive jabs and she backs out of the wedding at the last inute to go to work too. Hmmm…Shelly and Heidi skip out on the wedding for “work.” Charlie Sheen must be in town. Aubrey and Brandon get married on the courtroom steps; I’m guessing the minister didn’t want the whole place to reek of bacon and despair. When the ceremony’s over Grandma Jan wisely proclaims, “take care of her…in those shoes.”
Shelly the mom resurfaces and tells Brandon that he better get a job and take care of Aubrey because she sure as hell wasn’t ever interested in doing so. Aunt Heidi and her hubby Steve tak the kid sout to dinner and they basically tell the kids that they need to get a job and pass the GED. Wow, I wish someone would’ve shared this tidbit of genius sooner! Brandon ends up getting a job as a mall security guard and this requires him to leave at dawn. Aubrey stays home and plays solitaire instead of studying for the GED and then she goes bowling with Jamila AKA Oracle and an unamed friend who bears a resemblance to Dan Connor AKA John Goodman. Aubrey asks what she’s missing out on and Jamilah tries to downplay it but Dan mentions that they’re getting an education and Aubrey is not.
Her friends try to talk some sense into her but like every other conversation, Aubrey unenthusiastically replies with an uninterested sigh and a vague reply which has become her calling card. She decides to start studying but Brandon keeps making fun of her. She takes a practice test and tells the administrator that she wants to go to college. She gets a 39 on the math portion and needed a 65 to pass, so it’s been confirmed. She’s as dumb as her shoes look.
She tells him that she hasn’t been focused on school and wants to know how much it will cost to get tutoring. He tells her it’s $48 per hour but I’m pretty sure he just picked a number that he thought she couldn’t count up to to save himself the hassle. Aubrey outsmarts him though and uses her cell phone calculator to figure out that it’ll be $1500 to get the tutoring. She could’ve at least gotten one of those Texas Instruments calculators for the test.
Grandma Jan talks to them about moving out and she tells them to stop going out to eat and wasting money. They tell her that they don’t go out to eat. In the next scene, they are out at a picnic lunch drinking things like Arizona Iced Tea. I’m pretty sure there was bacon involved too. Aubrey takes this opportunity to go into a deranged feminist rant about not being a stay at home mom. She wants to have a life and work too.
Dressing like your caveman husband is completely okay. Like fer sure.
Aubrey meets up with her friend Ariel, who I believe is transgendered, to talk about Brandon and the stay at home situation. First things first, I’m supposed to believe that Aubrey just happens to have this diverse group of friends. So far she hangs out with Black and transgendered people and one of Americas favorite TV dads. Just not buying it. Plus, no one’s really named Ariel.
Aubrey feels like she should be happy. After all, she’s married now. What she neglects to realize is happiness isn’t determined by marriage; it’s determined by your ability to avoid marriage at all costs and laugh at all of your friends who think that they’ll be any different. They have a late night chat and she’s complaining about being stuck at home with the baby. He tells her to stop whining and not bring up the issue again. I’ve got to give Brandon credit; he’s managed to go from loser to douche in 23 minutes flat.
Aubrey is complaining about being pregnant and saying that she just wants to be done.
Just say the word and I’ll make it happen.
Aubrey tries bouncing on balls and walking on treadmills to induce labor but Austin just won’t come out. He probably knows that he’s much safer in the womb where his biggest problem is his cholesterol. The doctor decides to induce her and ten hours into labor, she finally starts to feel contractions. Every few hours her face gets crazier and crazier.
After nearly a day in labor, they decide to give her an epidural and she’s finally ready to give birth. Austin finally comes out and he wastes no time saluting his parents.
Practicing for the years he will spend flipping off his parents.
Once the baby’s born, the couple goes through the usual stage of hating each other. To make matters worse, Grandma hates them too.
I hate you both. I really do. Now get the f*%k out.
She tells them to get the hell out and they say that they do not have enough money yet. Aubrey makes matters worse by saying that she has ninety nine cents in her account and giggles. I don’t know what’s worse, family not wanting you around or reveling in immaturity.
Brandon decides that he needs to make extra money so he buys a gold panning kit. I have got to find a way to play this scene on a continuous loop at all times. I’ve done crazy things for money but this is crazy! He spent $91.95 on this kit and I just googled it and found it for $29.95. He must’ve had a sales pitch Brandon couldn’t refuse.
“This kit will make you look so stupid at the beach”.
“Say no more. I’ll take two.”
Aubrey resents that she does so much and that she can not leave the house. She refuses to stay home and gets her mother to watch the baby while she goes on a job interview of which her husband has no knowledge. Danielle, pizzeria HR manager, interviews Aubrey and asks what she’d say if a customer complained that she got pepperoni instead of sausage.
I would just twist my head around until it popped off.
That’s the freakiest s%#t I’ve ever heard. You’re hired.
Aubrey tells Brandon that she has a job and he’s actually okay with it. He’s fine with it as long as they can manage the childcare. They end up working out their schedules and they both keep their jobs. And yes, they still pan for gold on the weekends. So what’d you think? Will they make it? Will Jan end up on the ten o’clock news for murder? Next episode, DNA test. Need I say more?