16 & Pregnant: Let’s Mess with Texas

L-Boog’s in the house!! Missed you guys but I’m back like I left something. Actually I did leave something; my penchant for watching and writing about people who’s lives are worse than mine in some way, shape or form. I’ve been patiently waiting for a recap to explode on and 16 & Pregnant landed in my lap. I’m sure there’s some kind of dirty pun in there somewhere but I am too friggin excited to watch this mess to explore any further. On we go! So I did some research and apparently MTV is considering this a part of season 2; so it’s Season 2, Vol.2 if I’ve paid attention. I can only hope that they do a third and final season and then surprise us with the prequels so that we know how we’ve ended up in this death grip of teenage pregnancy.

16 & Pregnant I: The Phantom Mullet starring Butch Baltierra.

16 & Pregnant 2: Attack of the Letter Opener starring Debra.

Do you know how many times her poor husband has had to go to work saying that he “accidentally” walked into a letter opener repeatedly? Face first? And….

16 & Pregnant 3: Revenge of the Sloth. We will witness Gary’s transformation from a mild mannered, childlike inbreed to a mild mannered childlike inbreed who gets beaten up by a girl.

But enough about the people who made teen pregnancy so cool and possible, let’s focus on the new crop that will make it totally awesome and mandatory. Brooke is the lucky lady who kicks off this volume of 16 & Pregnant. The very first thing we hear is “I want a worm too”. This is followed by her exclaiming “I think I’ve got a fish!” Yes Brooke, you wanted a worm. And that cute little worm played with your fish and now you’re going to have a koala bear explode out of your tackle box. Enough with the baby talk. Oh, they actually are fishing. In that case…

‘Atta girl Brooke. Give the editors plenty to work with.

In case you haven’t noticed, I’m wildly immature. Brooke is from Texas, races cars, has goats and is engaged to Cody who works at QuikTrip. This is simply shocking (waiting for lightning).

The ever generous Cody spreads his seed everywhere.

Brooke’s cousin is in town and wants to know how it all went down. Word to the wise: going down could’ve solved lots of these kids problems. Cody reveals that when he got the call, he didn’t believe Brooke and didn’t believe her until she showed him the tests. Plural. Trust issues anyone? Then we get to meet the rest of the family. Brooke’s dad won’t let his daughter fix the race car because she’s pregnant. That’s sweet; I remember years ago when fathers wouldn’t let their daughters fix three ton vehicles because they were daughters. You’ve come a long way Texas. By the way, it’s the day before her wedding and they’re fixing cars. Not hair or nails but cars. But who am I to judge? I spent the spent the night before my failed wedding cutting the brake lines on my groom to not be’s car. We’re all pink on the inside.

Brooke’s mom Misty has one of those accents that I love but hate. It’s comforting like cornbread and honeysuckle under a peach tree in May but it also sounds like dumb. I meant to type that. Misty, oh how I wish more moms were named Misty, can not understand how such a modest girl got pregnant with all the birth control techniques they taught.

“I told you to cup his balls with one hand and then blind him with Aquanet.”

Misty and Larry the Dad are paying for the whole wedding.

“It’s not every day they let you push two tables together at Applebees.”

As Misty wonders how Brooke got pregnant she utters my favorite Misty quote of the millenium: “It wunt cuz you wunt educated”. Love the use of ironically mispronounced quadruple negatives. Seriously, I want to crawl into this woman’s bosom, which you just know smells like Crisco and hay, and listen to her read an instruction manual. Misty found out her daughter was pregnant by reading Brooke’s texts. Then learn that Cody proposed by basically telling Misty that he’d marry her heathen of a daughter. But he didn’t hesitate according to Misty so mucho bonus points to Cody for self castration.

The next day, Brooke and Cody are married by a reverend whose voice is quivering so much that I almost expected him to stop the wedding and say that he was the father. Brooke’s dress was actually very pretty and Cody…I KNEW Cody had something up his sleeve. He wore a racing jacket of some sort but he made sure to add a splash of dead weeds to the “lapel” to complete the look.

After the ceremony they take off in a pick up truck with cans rattling behind them and since they don’t have money for a honeymoon, I guess they’re off to 3rd Period geometry. The kids are hoping to win the prize money at some car race the next day and Brooke laments the fact that she can’t participate in the races since she’s pregnant. Funny, I remember when knocked up girls were disappointed that they couldn’t go to sock hops, or be baptized or earn the approval of their parents.

Cody’s car loses the race and he blows out an $80 tire but Brooke’s dad wins! As the announcer celebrates, he tells all of their business. I LOVE Texas. Everything’s bigger, including disrespect!

Translation: Yo daddy ain’t sh*t. He can’t build a damn thing.

Translation: I’ll be takin’ bets afta the game on how long they’ll last.

Translation: Can you believe they’re here tonight? Even I spent my honeymoon at my grandpappy’s alligator farm.

Translation: I got ten bucks on three months

Translation: They’re headed into a real crapfest!

Translation: Seriously folks. They’re screwed.

We catch up with Brooke at a teen mom pregnancy group that is housed in her high school. I understand teen pregnancy happens but geez! They’re handing out c-sections like yearbooks. Brooke is nervous about keeping up with her grades and Cody is due to graduate before she does. She’s relying on him to support his family but Cody insists and I quote…

Cody does not READ.

Bonus points for speaking in third person but is he holding a pair of disguise glasses? Like the ones with the phony nose and mustache? Secondly, based on the photo I’m pretty sure that Cody’s assignment is about one step above a coloring book. Brooke reveals that Cody has failed one of his final exams three times. Hold up. I thought a final exam was just that – final. As in, one shot to show us that you learned how to color inside the lines. Apparenty, final means ‘until you finally pass.’ It turns out Misty works at the high school and is able to access Cody’s grades from home. This just keeps getting crazier. So Misty knows exactly what he has to do, has access to all of the info and grades, lives with the boy and he’s still not doing his work?! Yep, that’s some good sperm.

The happy couple decide to find out the gender of the baby since everything else is shot to hell and it’s a boy. They name it Brody (Brooke + Cody). Ok, I think it’s kind of cute. What isn’t cute is the fact that Cody refuses to go to bed earlier so he can get up on time for school. He then brags about the fact that he has a 72 average, hasn’t gotten tutored since the 4th grade and then runs off to play in traffic. He really did; he was running towards a tractor and a race car. When will these girs learn??!! Ugh!

Every Texan teenaged fathers dream

The young couple need a place to live because Misty and Larry are tired of having them in the house. The family offers them a plot of land and they plan to buy a barn. Misty backs this idea so that Brody can say that he was born in a barn. Dear Misty, marry me. Any woman that is setting her grandson up to have no manners AND be a smart aleck about it has my undying devotion. The kids go a’ barn huntin’ and find a two story one for $416 a month and if it’s finished, $555. I don’t know about you but I’m sold. Unfortunately, Cody can’t afford this on his QuikTrip salary. Brooke starts whining that if he gets a second job at night, she won’t be able to finish school because she’ll be up with the baby. This is definitely a 16 year old conversation. Cody wants her to get a G.E.D and she can’t listen to reason. I totally get the fact that she wants an actual diploma, I really do, but this is why you don’t get pregnant in high school. She knows what can happen because her mother, grandmother and great grandmother all went through the same thing. I’m pretty sure I want to slap her. First, I hate whiners. Second, this is what happens when you get knocked up by a guy who shares a name with a character from “Step by Step.”

Cody failed yet another test three times. Or is it the same test? I’m unclear. Is this a Texas thing? You just administer tests three times in a row and hope it sticks? And what is this test? They just keep calling it “the test.” Meanwhile, Brooke’s friends give her a baby shower and she gets a whole lotta crap. Larry the Dad is not too happy about the fact that all of this is going into his room.

Just looking at him makes me feel all warm and redneck-y inside.

Cody finally passed the infamous “test” and that means that he can graduate. Hooray! You’ve made it through the easiest part of your life! They have a graduation party, fix the heat in the car and then – Brooke’s water breaks in class. Yikes! They get to the hospital and get ready for delivery but Cody’s nemesis has followed him there.

You thought you passed me?

Cody don’t do English!

Touche

Cody don’t do French neither!

After four hours of labor, Brooke starts pushing. I never understood why women lay on their backs when giving birth. I mean, do you take a poop laying on your back? No! You get on your hands and knees and hope for a smooth landing and not one of those phantom poops that you accidentally slip on a few days later or find in your sheets.

So the baby comes out and he’s cute as a button. There’s a bunch of scenes of them doing the typical teenage parent thing. Brooke going back to school and worrying about leaving Brody with his father.  Going out to a restaurant and not being able to enjy their meal. Using their friends as free babysitters.

Hmmm, looks a little Hands that Rocks the Cradle to me.

Misty is having a heart to heart with Brooke and Cody about keeping the house clean. I understand that this is a break since they’re not paying rent but has anyone seen this house? It’s like Misty and Larry let the goats in and had a scooting contest across each inch of the carpet and then set the goats loose on an ecstasy and crack fueled rampage.  I almost wonder if Misty and Larry are just leaving their crap everywhere too since they know they don’t have to clean it up. Misty tries to use the whole “I was able to raise you on my own…” but who knows what condition her barn was in back then.

The episode ends with the most depressing two minutes you’ll find on TV. Brooke cries that she wants alone time with Cody and Brody but that’s not gonna happen. They can’t race anymore because they’re saving up for a barn. She’s having a hard time juggling being a wife, mom and daughter and she wouldn’t change anything that happened. Wow.  I would’ve changed about 17 things that happened in the last half hour alone.

Ode to Blair Witch…or she’s reading the lines that MTV is required to feed her so that they can’t be accused of glamorizing teen pregnancy.

So what’d you think? It looks like the couples get worse from here with some of the previews I watched. This was actually a decent  couple so this kid definitely has a shot. I watched the After Show; no barn in sight yet but Brooke plans to become a Vet Tech or work in the auto industry after high school.  And does anyone know which Real Housewives kid this girl reminds me of? If you don’t, I guess it’s just me and my crazy imagination in which I believe all of these reality show people are actually just one person playing 13,672 different characters. See you next week!