Introducing Christinna! The latest statistic to come bounding out of South America is actually an transplant from upstate New York. I’m still counting her as a southerner for the sake of proving myself right. By the way, I can call her a statistic because I’m one too. I need to jump into this episode ASAP; I only came for the nachos and the DNA test. Shall we?
Christinna moved to Alabama when she was a junior in high school. She met Isiah, captain of the football team, and made plans to graduate early so they could be together. Their plans are for him to be an NFL player and her to become an English teacher. So far, so good but now she’s pregnant. They decided to elope and his family is super pissed. It doesn’t matter though; they can speed away from the family in Isiah’s cardbard box on wheels. I can’t seem to remember what model the vehicle is though. It’s right on the tip of my tongue…
Every episode they have that scene in which the girls act like they’ve never told the the story about how they found out they were pregnant to a group of friends. Usually there are three or four people there but this time it’s packed. Tony, Isiah’s friend, knows a little too much about Christina if you ask me. She says that she was pregnant at her prom and didn’t even realize it. Tony says that she went to the bathroom “like ten times that night.” How does he even know this? He shouldn’t be paying attention to that.
“The air vent in the ladies room is roomier than you’d think.”
Isiah says that they found out about the baby on his 18th birthday and he’d just finished signing his scholarship papers. Tony chimes in with “that’s horrible!” Ha! I love the couples with brutally honest friends. Christina was really disappointed because, as she so eloquently stated, she can’t do “this that that that.”
“I also can’t do those those these those, can’t go here there there here or call him her her him.”
They’re not sure if they’re ready to be parents but they say they’ll give it their best. Isiah’s friends tried to convince him to go to college but he refuses and stays behind for his family. Wow! An eighteen year old guy commits a selfless act for his family. How douche-y does that Alex kid from a few episodes ago feel?!
Christinna has the obligatory “how’d you get pregnant and what’d you tell your mom” conversation that all of the girls have on this show. She tells them that they used condoms about three times then one time it broke so they just became careless. Her mother took it well and bought Christinna a Mother’s Day gift. However, her mother got the heck out of Alabama once the sick relative she was watching over became better and Christinna stayed behind – with Isiah’s family. They basically want to run Christinna back up to NY with her fancy talkin ways and flashy ovaries.
Christinna has dinner with Isiah’s family and Grandma Kathy is only talking to Christinna through Isiah. I was hoping that I’d heard that wrong but this grown woman really is asking Isiah to deliver messages to his wife. She feels that a baby isn’t a good reason to get married and his mother echoes those sentiments. Grandma Kathy would have rather he gone to college because now he’s not only home but he “brought something” with him. Wow. It’s one thing to have an opinion; it’s another to call Christinna and/or her baby a “something.” Christinna begins to cry, Isiah walks away and punches his hand and Grandma Kathy officially beats out Grandma Jan from last week for the worst grandmother of the millenium award.
The next day, Christinna and Isiah talk about the pregnancy and she tells him that she resents being pregnant because of all the things she can not do now. She says it’s his fault and she wishes she weren’t pregnant. Someone put an Andrea Yates alert on this girl. He tells her that their dreams will just be delayed and he’s doing his best to make her see the positive side of things.
“We’ll still get to go there there here and there.”
Christinna’s friends throw her a shower and she tells her friends how hard it is to deal with his family. Apparently they all know about how horrible his family is and they don’t think she should forgive them.
This cast officially holds the world record for most awkwardly spelled names in a TV episode.
And one of her friends is especially happy.
Yes! I wasn’t the first one to get knocked up!
Isiah and Christinna decide to name their daughter Destiny and while they’re waiting for a doctor’s checkup, Isiah finally shows his major flaw. He wants to put a new exhaust system on his car. This is the most frustrating part of these episodes because the maturity gap within the couples is so clear. He’s relatively mature but this conversation shouldn’t even be taking place until they have an apartment and money in the bank. He says he needs it for personal enjoyment when in actuality personal pleasure of the one handed variety could have saved him this headache.
Next, they go grocery shopping on their $50 budget and Isiah proclaims that he’s a business major so he knows how to calculate everything. He manages to miscalculate the food anyway and they have to put stuff back. Then they work on figuring out their budget for an apartment and he manages to calculate that wrong too.
“Uh, I think they’re teaching that next week.”
The kids go apartment hunting and the place is $515 a month. Oh and Chritinna says real-a-tor. Personal pet peeve of mine. The realtor is nice enough and it seems like our morning sick lovebirds might be able to get the place but it’s time for the credit check and one look at the realtor’s face says it all.
“Is this my Punk’d?”
Christinna and friends browse the library for information on pregnancy and she says she doesn’t want a C-section because she can not hold the baby until she is stitched up. Then one of her friend’s asks if Christinna will circumcise the baby. She responds “yes, but it’s a girl.” There’s so many things wrong with this exchange that I don’t even know where to start.
“Can we just stand here and wait for the stork to drop the baby off or do will he just leave it under your pillow?”
The couple goes to a breast feeding class and Christinna gets to take two bras home with her. Finally! A good reason to get pregnant; bras are ridiculously expensive. Sign me up! While Christinna studies lactation, Isiah’s twin sister comes home from college. The two girls were going to room together on campus but that obviusly didn’t happen. As they discuss what a disappointment Christinna’s become to his entire family, Isiah wanders outside to pay a guy for some speakers. It’s all really shady and weird. When he goes back into the house, the girls drill him on what he just did. They figure out that he spent money on speakers and she wants to rethink their marriage because he blew $300.
“I told you all about this. Fifteen plus fifteen. That’s $300.”
Christinna and Isiah have a discussion about their relationship and she is rightfuly annoyed about him wasting money. He feels that she isn’t working so she has no right to complain. She keeps threatening to leave because she doesn’t want to live in his house and have to worry about her daughter’s future and he insinuates that she’d be happier with a rich man. She agrees because at least she and the baby would have a provider. Yikes! He’s got a lot to think about. After all, this is a slick talking New Yorker he’s dealing with here. She might run home and be in a Fabolous video before you can say “Alabama has the first drive thru sex shop in the country!”
Me – Christinna = Football School
Me + Christinna = Me holding baby like a football while my wife’s boobies flatten like pancakes
Apparently Isiah likes pancakes becasue he chooses the second equation. He gets them an apartment and says that he’s in this 200%. Before you know it, it’s time for the birth! Christinna is in labor for an entire day and the baby just will not come out. She’s been pushing for over an hour so they have no choice but to give her a c-section. I’m always amazed at how similar giving birth looks and sounds to conception.
He’s used to those rainbow socks around his neck.
Eventually, Christinna accepts that she has to have a c-section. Isiah is very supportive throughout the entire labor process and it all goes smoothly. Grandma Cruella shows up once the baby’s born to presumably rip out Christinna’s stitches and douse her in alcohol. Isiah stays home for a few days and takes care of Christinna and the baby. It’s tough and exhausting and unfortunately, she does not feel comfortable asking Isiah’s family for work.
At three weeks old, Christinna and Chasity get together to talk about life and Christinna says she’s going back to school in the summer. She’s resentful because she doesn’t get to leave the house and Isiah does. She tells him that she doesn’t like or dislike being a mom. This is what we call a cry for help. She ends up having to take the semester off to take care of the baby and she’s not happy about it. She doesn’t feel that this is her purpose in life.
Isiah is having a mid-teen crisis because he gave up his football dreams. He meets up with his friend Tony and he’s stressed over money and his lingering football potential. He wants to play again but Tony says that football should be last on his list.
“Taking care of that beautiful wife should be number one. She sure is beautiful. You know she went to the bathroom ten times at the prom? She had on a butterfly thong that night. Pink, like her cheeks. Man, I love your wife.”
Isiah is clearly about to lose it. I’ve got $10 on him repeating football highlights in 20 years a la Al Bundy. For the record, I didnt understand why he didn’t take the scholarship. Even if they had to move, they both could’ve worked and gotten an aprtment or married student housing.
Isiah’s been spending a lot of time at his family’s house and Christinna is uncomfortable with it. His family is on this mission to find out whether the baby is really his and I don’t know where all of this is originating. Even the twin sister who wanted to room with Christinna is in on it. Is it based on any truth or just hopeful slander and speculation? According to the news, Christinna told Grandma Kathy that she slept with another guy. Raise your hands if that makes no sense! Why would Christinna tell this woman anything? Oh that’s right. Christinna must have talked through Isiah to Kathy and that’s where she got the information. I tell ya, it’s like a scene straight out of Ghost.
A while ago, Christinna told Grandma Kathy that she was going to take a DNA test and slap her in the face with it. Grandma Kathy, who looks to have been slapped in the face with a few things over the years, really wants this to happen.
Exhibit A. Sorry Grams, but you made a pregnant girl cry.
At dinner, Grandma Kathy instigates and asks Christinna about taking a DNA test. So awkward. Christinna says that she’s only been with him and explicitly states that no other penis has been in her vagina. If any of Kathy’s accusations are true, why would MTV have edited this? It actually would have been more exciting. Isiah caves to the pressure of his family and Kathy puts the DNA test on the dining room table. Christinna rightfully leaves the room and Kathy states that she now has her answer. Wow. Just wow. Putting someone on the spot for a DNA test. At least have the decency to go on Maury for this.
We wrap things up with the couple at home taking care of the baby. Isiah supposedly stood up for his wife, when the cameras weren’t rolling, and Christinna feels that they can make this last if they want it. They both sound shaky. He says there stuck there and they have no choice but to try. Christinna says that she’ll be fine with or without Isiah and that if he wants a paternity test, he should be a man and ask for it himself. This needs to be continued; it sounds like a Ricki Lake episode in the making. Someone tell her to come back; MTV needs her! I’ll be the first one in line too. I can’t wait to use my line “drop that zero and get a hero!” No one’s ever said that before. Oh and to prove that she’s serious, Christinna already has her video vixen costume. Watch out NY, she just might be back.
So what did you think? These two were a little boring to me. That might actually be a good thing though because they might be so laid back that they’ll be able to stick together. Something tells me that Christinna is just waiting for the perfect reason to leave and Isiah might be all too happy to help her pack.