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I stand corrected. Some people look better in cartoon form.
Alright, boys and girls! Remember what we learned last week in class? That’s right, the baby formula. Here we go:
irresponsible boy + naive girl x sex - birth control = baby.
Simple enough, but apparently the entire Bible belt has missed out on this important lesson. Formula number two is a bit more complicated, but after just a few weeks of practice it becomes very clear:
[girl who thinks boy will change after the birth / (disappointed family + awkward friends + douche baby daddy)] x the birth = the realization that teen baby daddys suck = one episode of 16 and pregnant
Got it? Let’s take a look at an example.
After last week’s recap was late AND boring, I was hoping to redeem myself – but Teen Mom has served us up a crock of placenta, perfectly following the Teen Mom formula.
Our star this week is Danielle, who is possibly the most boring person/teen mom/reality star in history. I dislike her instantly because a. she’s overweight, and not just cause she’s pregnant, you can see it in her face, and I hate that in others because I see it in myself! b. She has a hick accent punctuated with lots of “ain’t got no”’s, which I hate because I am a New England snob. c. She talks in a monotone, which makes it even harder to stay awake during this episode.
And DDDDD: her mom had her at 16 and now she’s doing the same!
AHHH! I usually have a lot of sympathy for the grandparents of the teen moms, as it seems the good ones end up doing most of the work. I feel EXTRA bad for Danielle’s former teen mom/dried up stripper, Casey:
One benefit of having a baby at 16 is that you get to eventually be better looking than her when she is 16 and pregnant. It’s all worth it, really.
Casey and I both want to punch Danielle in the face. From the very beginning, our new pregeroo makes it clear that her mom worked her ass off so this would NOT happen, teaching her all about birth control and the importance of school, and being very strict in the house. Unfortunately, this led to a lot of mother/daughter fighting, which led to Danielle briefly moving in with her grandmother.
After about five seconds living with her grandma, Danielle gets pregnant with a new boyfriend from her grandma’s town 45 minutes away. The grandma is not featured in this episode, probably because this is her second teenage pregnancy fail.
Danielle’s new boyfriend Jamie is a real winner. He works at a fast food restaurant right near his house; he has to able to walk to work, since he lost his license and dropped out of high school. He’s such a lovely guy that Danielle feels compelled to name her new son “Jamie Jr.”
We then commence Scene 1 of the Sixteen & Pregnant Formula: preggo and baby daddy discuss how they met. This is always the most boring section. They’re like, “Yea, you seemed really cool. Like you didn’t give a shit.” “Heh, yea, you too.” “Yea. Look where that got us.” Silence.
Next is Scene 2: Awkward questions asked by friends who clearly must have asked these questions at least five months before. Are we really supposed to believe that Danielle’s best friends didn’t ask her if she was on birth control until 35 weeks in to the pregnancy? They ask the stock questions, such as, what do you miss about not being pregnant? and other such horrible and insensitive queries.
By the way, Danielle was not on birth control (“We didn’t have no protection or nothing.”) When she showed up to pick up her pills, the clinic made her pee in a cup and she was already pregnant. (Do they do that for you guys? They usually just kind of throw my pills at me.)
You weren’t on birth control (I learn for the second time)????
In Scene 3, we have our now familiar disappointed mom talk, with an extra twist of the knife since this mom already made this mistake in her past.
After this we are out of the reminiscing stage, THANK GOD. I want to see people pee on their stick and cry and get yelled at by their parents, not watch them mildly converse. “Remember that time we found out that we were gonna have a baby?” “Remember that time you cried when I told you I was gonna have a baby?” “Remember that time we applied to be on 16 & Pregnant?” Really, this is a problem with the show’s timeline for me. By the sixth month, everyone is reconciled to having a baby and the drama is pretty boring and clearly rehashed for the cameras.
Another sidenote – I am sick of this whole thing where the girl gets pregnant, tries to make it work with the guy, has the baby, fails to make it work with the guy and falls back on her parents. Where are the abortions? (Another reason I want to go back earlier in the pregnancy) Where are the miscarriages? The adoptions? That stuff is waaay more interesting to me, because I am a sicko, just like the general viewing public. Take note, MTV.
Anyway, after the reminiscing scenes comes immediate baby prep. Danielle shops for baby clothes, discusses her cravings for chalk and nail polish remover (WTF???), gets in last minute time with friends, and tries to plan a budget with her boyfriend.
Did mention Jamie the fast food king and Danielle the online high schooler are planning on moving in together, away from Danielle’s mom? They’re planning to live on Jamie’s 800 a month hamburger salary. I live on that now and it blows. Two adults and a baby? Yea right. Jamie and I start yawning in the middle of the budget meeting, and Danielle starts crying, and then Jamie starts yelling at Danielle and I start yelling at Jamie. I don’t even know who I hate any more. Generalized rage.
Not really helping my girlfriend plan for the arrival of our baby is so much work
Just a few nights later, Danielle is ready to give birth at any moment. She’s chilling with her friends making brownies when she mentions that she keeps having “lightning” pains in her belly. She tells her friends and they’re like.. um you should probably tell her mom. So she asks her mom if she could call the doctor. “Um mom I’m sposed to go into labor at any moment do you think these rhythmic flashing pains every hour could mean anything?”
So, they truck off to the hospital, where everything is typical at first (except Danielle is chewing gum..in the hospital bed.. while in labor. tacky) until Danielle gets her epidural, that thing they put in your spine to stop the pain. After the epidural, her baby stops breathing and they have to “suction” him out immediately. Scary! They don’t really show it though. Anybody know anything about this? Why don’t they always suction babies out? That sounds much quicker. Luckily, Jamie Jr. starts breathing again and his little alien (not goblin this week!) face is brought in to the world.
They’ve infiltrated the womb.. Earth’s days are numbered.
Jamie Jr. apparently looks just like his dad, which isn’t good for anyone.
For the first week, Danielle and Jamie stay at Casey’s house. Jamie Sr. gets fired from his lucrative fast food position, and moves on to work construction with his dad. Casey is, as predicted, very helpful, and very not happy that the little family are going to move to Jamie Sr.’s dad’s house at the end of the week so they can “have freedom” and “be adults.” Yes, leave your support network. This will end well!
Over at Danielle’s house, Jamie works 10 hours a day on construction and comes home exhausted, while Danielle is stranded with the baby all day and can’t get her homework done. She manages to fail two of her ONLINE HOMESCHOOLING classes, which means she barely has freshman in high school status. Jamie isn’t helpful with the baby, but refuses to put him in day care because he’s too young. I’m with daddy for the first and only time on this one; a few weeks old is too young for day care.
Danielle barely gets out of the house, except for this one outing to, of all places, the Laundromat. Is MTV starting to get banned from more restaurants etc? I blame Jersey shore. She gets some of her grievances out with her possibly gay friend, Campbell’s Kid.
He also looks vaguely like the thumb-shaped kid I lost my virginity to. Just leave me alone.
After a pretty short and lonely stint living at Jamie’s house, Danielle’s ready to go home to her mom’s 45 minutes away – and I guess this means they have to break up? Danielle ends with her monologue to the camera about being depressed and alone with no friends and no Jamie Sr., whose true colors she has finally seen. “I thought having a baby would make our relationship better,” she says, illustrating that she has clearly NEVER WATCHED AN EPISODE OF 16 & PREGNANT. At least her mom knows the teen mom ropes already, I guess.
Were you all as bored by these doleful, sad, soft spoken creatures as I was? Really no personality at all this week, other than sassy Grandma Casey. If I’m expected to tune in every week to see essentially the same story play out (see top formula!!!) I at least need some characters to sympathize with. There wasn’t even anyone to hate in this episode; it was just kind of drab and empty Let’s end with a cute baby shot.
We are both bored and naked right now.