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Thursday, May 12, 2011
8:00 am
14 Comments
I stand corrected. Some people look better in cartoon form.
Alright, boys and girls! Remember what we learned last week in class? That’s right, the baby formula. Here we go:
irresponsible boy + naive girl x sex - birth control = baby.
Simple enough, but apparently the entire Bible belt has missed out on this important lesson. Formula number two is a bit more complicated, but after just a few weeks of practice it becomes very clear:
[girl who thinks boy will change after the birth / (disappointed family + awkward friends + douche baby daddy)] x the birth = the realization that teen baby daddys suck = one episode of 16 and pregnant
Got it? Let’s take a look at an example.
After last week’s recap was late AND boring, I was hoping to redeem myself – but Teen Mom has served us up a crock of placenta, perfectly following the Teen Mom formula.
Our star this week is Danielle, who is possibly the most boring person/teen mom/reality star in history. I dislike her instantly because a. she’s overweight, and not just cause she’s pregnant, you can see it in her face, and I hate that in others because I see it in myself! b. She has a hick accent punctuated with lots of “ain’t got no”’s, which I hate because I am a New England snob. c. She talks in a monotone, which makes it even harder to stay awake during this episode.
And DDDDD: her mom had her at 16 and now she’s doing the same!
AHHH! I usually have a lot of sympathy for the grandparents of the teen moms, as it seems the good ones end up doing most of the work. I feel EXTRA bad for Danielle’s former teen mom/dried up stripper, Casey:
One benefit of having a baby at 16 is that you get to eventually be better looking than her when she is 16 and pregnant. It’s all worth it, really.
Casey and I both want to punch Danielle in the face. From the very beginning, our new pregeroo makes it clear that her mom worked her ass off so this would NOT happen, teaching her all about birth control and the importance of school, and being very strict in the house. Unfortunately, this led to a lot of mother/daughter fighting, which led to Danielle briefly moving in with her grandmother.
After about five seconds living with her grandma, Danielle gets pregnant with a new boyfriend from her grandma’s town 45 minutes away. The grandma is not featured in this episode, probably because this is her second teenage pregnancy fail.
Danielle’s new boyfriend Jamie is a real winner. He works at a fast food restaurant right near his house; he has to able to walk to work, since he lost his license and dropped out of high school. He’s such a lovely guy that Danielle feels compelled to name her new son “Jamie Jr.”
We then commence Scene 1 of the Sixteen & Pregnant Formula: preggo and baby daddy discuss how they met. This is always the most boring section. They’re like, “Yea, you seemed really cool. Like you didn’t give a shit.” “Heh, yea, you too.” “Yea. Look where that got us.” Silence.
Next is Scene 2: Awkward questions asked by friends who clearly must have asked these questions at least five months before. Are we really supposed to believe that Danielle’s best friends didn’t ask her if she was on birth control until 35 weeks in to the pregnancy? They ask the stock questions, such as, what do you miss about not being pregnant? and other such horrible and insensitive queries.
By the way, Danielle was not on birth control (“We didn’t have no protection or nothing.”) When she showed up to pick up her pills, the clinic made her pee in a cup and she was already pregnant. (Do they do that for you guys? They usually just kind of throw my pills at me.)
You weren’t on birth control (I learn for the second time)????
In Scene 3, we have our now familiar disappointed mom talk, with an extra twist of the knife since this mom already made this mistake in her past.
After this we are out of the reminiscing stage, THANK GOD. I want to see people pee on their stick and cry and get yelled at by their parents, not watch them mildly converse. “Remember that time we found out that we were gonna have a baby?” “Remember that time you cried when I told you I was gonna have a baby?” “Remember that time we applied to be on 16 & Pregnant?” Really, this is a problem with the show’s timeline for me. By the sixth month, everyone is reconciled to having a baby and the drama is pretty boring and clearly rehashed for the cameras.
Another sidenote – I am sick of this whole thing where the girl gets pregnant, tries to make it work with the guy, has the baby, fails to make it work with the guy and falls back on her parents. Where are the abortions? (Another reason I want to go back earlier in the pregnancy) Where are the miscarriages? The adoptions? That stuff is waaay more interesting to me, because I am a sicko, just like the general viewing public. Take note, MTV.
Anyway, after the reminiscing scenes comes immediate baby prep. Danielle shops for baby clothes, discusses her cravings for chalk and nail polish remover (WTF???), gets in last minute time with friends, and tries to plan a budget with her boyfriend.
Did mention Jamie the fast food king and Danielle the online high schooler are planning on moving in together, away from Danielle’s mom? They’re planning to live on Jamie’s 800 a month hamburger salary. I live on that now and it blows. Two adults and a baby? Yea right. Jamie and I start yawning in the middle of the budget meeting, and Danielle starts crying, and then Jamie starts yelling at Danielle and I start yelling at Jamie. I don’t even know who I hate any more. Generalized rage.
Not really helping my girlfriend plan for the arrival of our baby is so much work
Just a few nights later, Danielle is ready to give birth at any moment. She’s chilling with her friends making brownies when she mentions that she keeps having “lightning” pains in her belly. She tells her friends and they’re like.. um you should probably tell her mom. So she asks her mom if she could call the doctor. “Um mom I’m sposed to go into labor at any moment do you think these rhythmic flashing pains every hour could mean anything?”
So, they truck off to the hospital, where everything is typical at first (except Danielle is chewing gum..in the hospital bed.. while in labor. tacky) until Danielle gets her epidural, that thing they put in your spine to stop the pain. After the epidural, her baby stops breathing and they have to “suction” him out immediately. Scary! They don’t really show it though. Anybody know anything about this? Why don’t they always suction babies out? That sounds much quicker. Luckily, Jamie Jr. starts breathing again and his little alien (not goblin this week!) face is brought in to the world.
alien baby
They’ve infiltrated the womb.. Earth’s days are numbered.
Jamie Jr. apparently looks just like his dad, which isn’t good for anyone.
For the first week, Danielle and Jamie stay at Casey’s house. Jamie Sr. gets fired from his lucrative fast food position, and moves on to work construction with his dad. Casey is, as predicted, very helpful, and very not happy that the little family are going to move to Jamie Sr.’s dad’s house at the end of the week so they can “have freedom” and “be adults.” Yes, leave your support network. This will end well!
Over at Danielle’s house, Jamie works 10 hours a day on construction and comes home exhausted, while Danielle is stranded with the baby all day and can’t get her homework done. She manages to fail two of her ONLINE HOMESCHOOLING classes, which means she barely has freshman in high school status. Jamie isn’t helpful with the baby, but refuses to put him in day care because he’s too young. I’m with daddy for the first and only time on this one; a few weeks old is too young for day care.
Danielle barely gets out of the house, except for this one outing to, of all places, the Laundromat. Is MTV starting to get banned from more restaurants etc? I blame Jersey shore. She gets some of her grievances out with her possibly gay friend, Campbell’s Kid.
He also looks vaguely like the thumb-shaped kid I lost my virginity to. Just leave me alone.
After a pretty short and lonely stint living at Jamie’s house, Danielle’s ready to go home to her mom’s 45 minutes away – and I guess this means they have to break up? Danielle ends with her monologue to the camera about being depressed and alone with no friends and no Jamie Sr., whose true colors she has finally seen. “I thought having a baby would make our relationship better,” she says, illustrating that she has clearly NEVER WATCHED AN EPISODE OF 16 & PREGNANT. At least her mom knows the teen mom ropes already, I guess.
Were you all as bored by these doleful, sad, soft spoken creatures as I was? Really no personality at all this week, other than sassy Grandma Casey. If I’m expected to tune in every week to see essentially the same story play out (see top formula!!!) I at least need some characters to sympathize with. There wasn’t even anyone to hate in this episode; it was just kind of drab and empty 
Let’s end with a cute baby shot.
We are both bored and naked right now.
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14 Comments
About the nail polish and chalk thing, it’s called Pica and I had it with both my pregnancies, I craved dirt and rock, instead of ice cream or something fun like that…needless to say I lost weight while being pregnant. :/ I agree so faar the most interesting episode has been the twin sisters having the baby…I don’t see any of these girls making it to Teen Mom.
When pregnant with ny 1st child, I met a woman in the waiting room of my og/gyn. she told me all about how she craved dirt and that she would go out in the yard with a spoon and just eat it. the funniest thing was that she said even though she hated her mother in law, that her house was out in the country and had the best dirt(apparently the red dirt is top shelf lol). Anyway she was developing a relationship wiht her MIL just so she could go out there and eat the good stuff instead of the city dirt. I laughed so hard I almost peed myself, although that might have had something to do with the baby sitting on my bladder. Oh, she also said that her doctor knew about it and was okay with her doing it. In his words, “It won’t kill you”. I shoulda changed doctors right then and there because mine made me give up COFFEE of all things
When I told my doc, he acted shocked and said “You’re not really eating dirt are you!!?” All judgemental like, so I said “Phewshew of course not.” But I totally was.
These two teens were the most boring people on the planet!! Thanks for the recap anyway!
@HeatherF and Kittkatt, I’ve heard of pica during pregnancy as well. I am in my 3rd trimester and just glad my only cravings have been fruit!
Danielle needs to cut her Haldols in half because she is way to sedated.
Maybe they are saving all the most entertaining episodes for later… thanks for the recap
With the birth control thing — I think that if you are just starting birth control they are required to give you a test.
This has to be the most boring episode to date.
I really Casey, actually. Yes, she does have that “riden hard put back wet” burned out stripper look, but she seems to really care. Her frustration with her dumb ass daughter was very palpable. Her “good shoes, nasty shoes” analogy was so right on for her daughters IQ.
The babby daddy was low on the DB scale. Although he was totally clueless he did want to be part of the alien baby’s life.
Why don’t these girls set their standards a little higher when they get knocked up at 16? Instead of losers that are unemoployed and fast food workers why don’t they do choose boys that come from rich families?
Just sayin’.
A lot of children are in daycare at 6 weeks old and do perfectly fine. It’s not ideal but parents do what they need to do to make the best possible life for their child. Whether it be working full time or in danielles case being able to go back to school full time so she can graduate and allow some sort of stable future for her child. No need to be so judgmental.
Ohio white trash in da house! It’s exciting to see Ohio on again! And around Columbus no less!
At one point I felt bad for Casey (who can’t be more than 35 but her husband looks like he should be a baby daddy on the show) when she said that she didn’t want to abandon her pregnant teenager because then she’d be a shitty mom. But then I thought “uh, your 16 year old is pregnant because you sent her away to the house were you got knocked up – you’re trying hard, but you aren’t exactly mom of the year”. She did seem to really care about Danielle and baby though.
And seriously – HOW DO YOU FLUNK ONLINE SCHOOL? It boggles my mind how anyone flunks high school, but online school? I know that babies are a lot of work, but what the frig was she doing while the baby was napping? Obviously picking her belly button or ODing on valium or something.
Ok, if you are craving dirt, ice, nail polish, chalk, etc… while you are pregnant it is called Pica and it usually is because you are anemic. Do you and your baby a favor and take iron supplements!!
I found this episode boring. Danielle’s voice in monotone and the same old story AGAIN.
A few week old baby will do fine in daycare. Especially if it’s a few hours everyday so that the baby’s mom can finish high school!! That’s the best thing for the baby!!!
and Chicken Lips, you’d be surprised how much time a baby can suck out of your day. Especially a newborn. Yes the mom needs to put a priority on school, but if you are apathetic about doing your school work, there are many other things to do while baby naps (eat, shower, sleep, laundry, etc.). Most moms are not sitting around wondering what to do with all this free time.
Sometimes a nap is 15min, sometimes an hour, but depending on the school work, it could be difficult to be really productive in 15-30min increments at random points during the day.
Is it a pre-requisite to have your nose pierced if you are a grammy on Teen Mom? Lookin fly grammies!
It think it is safe to say Danielle is going to be a freshman forevah! The closest thing to school she is ever going to absorb is chalk dust.
I love how every baby daddy has time to spend with friends but can’t ever seem to find the time to watch their own baby so the girl can work on their school work. Like that guy said 4 hours a day with the baby is too much for him to deal with since he’s “too tired from work” but I’m sure he could easily spend those 4 hours every day with his friends no problem. You don’t wanna watch your baby but have a problem with day care? Then act like a child yourself by doing the over-dramatic “I’ll quit my job”; go whine to someone who cares. Girl wants to get her high school degree so she can make something of herself and not be a dropout who got fired from his mcjob.
Also, every baby daddy wants the girl to live with him where it’s convenient for them and away from the girls support system so the girl gets to be isolated with no help and they get to be with their family and friends. Then they run out all the time with their friends or play video games and leave the girls with no help to finish school and no time to relax themselves. Then if the girl decides to stay with her support system the baby daddy’s say that she is “Not letting” them see their child (when it’s just they don’t *want* to come over) and that if she moves out it obviously means they are broken up (playing on the naive factor and the whole “please please like me!” thing that most of these girls have). It’s sick.
Ok, so I have to say this. She’s going to OHDELA for homeschooling…I went to OHDELA the last 2 years of High School (from the great city of Toledo right here) and the most work you had to do was be in contact with your teachers once a week. That could be an email saying what you’re doing, sending in something, just some sort of communication and that was it! You were basically given all your work for the semster and had to this date to turn things in. I agree writing a paper while having a child would be hard (I have no children), but if she was in communication with the teachers and her advisor, things could have been worked out. Though the math was hard…but I’m bad at math so maybe I shouldn’t talk. But almost all history was on a website that you watch some slides and then answer a quiz at the end. You had to get 80% or higher to pass though…but you could always redo the quiz…you could also leave the slide up for about 5 minutes then click to the end (not that I ever did that…) Oh and you got a laptop, printer/scanner/fax combo thing for free, you have to give them back at the end though. And they send you a lot of paper and stuff, I actually still have some and I’m 23 now.
I have to agree, this show has been boring and I want some drama already! Only drama I got was getting upset when she whined OHDELA was hard.