16 & Pregnant: The Circle of Life!

Yo yo yo! Cool your jets guys, the finale recap is here. This episode was ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY MINUTES LONG and only about thirty seconds of that was cute babies, so it took me awhile to get through. PS – I heard the season of Teen Mom 3 is going to cover the Teen Moms from Teen Mom 2… does that mean these new 16 & Pregnant teen moms wont get a chance to be teen moms on Teen Mom 3? Lame! I was totally bored most of the time but I still feel attached.

The intro begins with a pencil sketch montage of all the girls, who I don’t FUCKING RECOGNIZE because they’re drawn in shitty pencil. You already know my feelings about this. We then zoom in to look at the actual girls seated in rows, who as a rule look super dour and uncomfortable. Maybe they just heard none of them get to be on Teen Mom 3. Or maybe they’re just thinking about how much it sucks to be a tee mom. Dunno.

It’s blurry, but  you can still see the dead eyes.

After a short recap of how shitty all the girls’ lives are (arrests, breakups, lots of tears, lots of ow-y looking childbirth, and especially douchey/useless baby daddies), Dr. Drew starts asking random and stupid questions about how much shittier being a teen mom is than what they expected. IE How much more did labor suck than you thought, how much an idiot do you feel like about messing up your mill, aren’t babies annoying, etc.

He also asks who’s stayed together since and show and who’s broken up, and pretty much everyone is broken up or at least looks like they wish they were.

FYI, the theme of tonight’s episode is that no matter what you do you’re doomed to repeat your parents’ mistakes. Or just make your own new mistakes, which your kids will then repeat.

First up is Jordan, who had probably the best outcome, as she and Brian are married and expecting another baby. Well, if you think being married in your teens with two babies is a good outcome.

Even she doesn’t think so.

Because it’s Dr. Drew here, we immediately start to pry into her painful past, in which she was abandoned by her mom… and dad… and brothers… shit. No wonder she has some security issues. Dr. Drew wonders if maybe she used sex/baby to make Brian stick around. She starts crying in about ten seconds, because her mom got pregnant a bunch of times right out of high school, she didn’t want to. (Exhibit A!)

As for the future, the two are married and Brian is enlisting in the airforce. They don’t mention this, but they are also expecting another baby, or so Jezebel tells me. Exhibit B: Brians parents were also teen parents, who ended up separating. They bring out Jordan’s twin sister – who as we remember was super jealous of Brian and the new little family – but it’s boring. She was also abandoned. Tears.

Next up is Jennifer, she of the creepily childish innocence and abusive boyfriend. Plus, she has twins. They were also the ones with the most major parental conflict and the assholiest boyfriend. Gah this episode just killed me. I’m glad the boyfriend isn’t here; I have a feeling he would get seriously punched in the face. Jennifer and the evil baby daddy are now civil, although she’s had two restraining order against him in the past.

consternation face

Since Jennifer’s dad is here, Dr. Drew decides to make him feel guilty about not talking to his teenage daughter about sex. The dad can barely get the words out, he’s so clearly horrified by the thought of his ‘little girl’ having sex.

On deck: Danielle, the fat one with the hot ex-whorey looking (Exhibit C: also teen!) mom.

this show should be a hub for GILF fetishists.

Danielle failed her online school (!) and her boyfriend was irresponsible douuucheeee. After watching her footage, shes crying already. Danielle’s mom is sobbing for raising her daughter poorly, and Dr. Drew makes her apologize for being a crappy mom. Jesus Christ! I thought this was one of the better moms!

computer school is jut so haarrrdd

It doesn’t seem like much has changed since Danielle’s show. She and her boyfriend are kinda sorta still together. Danielle is 17 and she still cant drive and doesn’t have her ged. Apparently their baby is fat. What a shocker!

Next up is Taylor, youngest teen mom ever, whose mom was ALSO a teen mom (Exhibit D!) and gave up her baby for adoption, and wanted Taylor to do the same. Taylors boyfriend was a huge gross slacker and didn’t get a job til long after the baby was born, and never helped with the baby. He was such a lazy douche that Taylor’s momma awesomely put her foot down about it. They’re still together, but they don’t look very happy about it. Dr. Drew decides the fault in the relationship lies with Taylor and asks “Why do you pick on him so much?” Because he’s a piece of shit, Dr. Drew. I hate you.There is then a gross moment where the boyfriend and Dr. Drew bond grossly about the smell of placenta. Yowzah.

Rly?

We also learn the way they got pregnant was a broken condom, and Taylor was too embarrassed to ask her mom for the morning after pill. HEAR THAT AMERICA? That’s why we need planned parenthood. And better laws. Etc. You know what i mean!

Ohmygosh! Taylor’s baby Aubri recently had a tumor in her lung removed. She got 20% of her lung taken out. Jesus. We also bring out Taylor’s mom, Debbie, who does a ton of the parenting – poor thing works the night shift and takes care of the baby during the day. She pushed for adoption, but now loves the baby, of course – what else is she going to say?? Taylor’s parting advice: Use a condom. “If you have to ask some bum off the street for a condom, do it.” Amen!

Next up is Jamie, who was our designated nerdy mom of the season, and is now a brunette. Oh my god I forgot what a PIECE OF SHIT boyfriend she had! Ryan was an idiot! He nearly missed the birth because he was drunk and off CHEATING ON HER!  Also, he wanted to take the baby alone despite being an asshole, and as the episode ended they were going off to court.

self-explanatory.

Nowadays, the daddy sees the baby one hour a week for supervised visits, and the parents no longer speak. That two year relationship went down the drain, fast. I guess the story is the two broke up two days before the birth (I guess we didn’t see that?) and Ryan was out having sex with another girl the night of the labor. His defense? “Noone’s perfect.”

That applies to moms, as well – we learn at least part of why Jamie got pregnant: she asked her mom to get her on the pill, and her moms aid no. Ouch.

God I hate this guy. Looking at his face I just want to stab him. She wants him someday to be a real dad… but jesus I would not let like slimy snake near my child. GAh!

Next up is Cleondra, mom of the multiracial bonanza house! Her main conflict was her boyfriend, Mario, being a stubborn piece of shit about the baby moving into his house instead of hers. Now, the two aren’t getting along very well; apparently “everything’s falling apart.” Cleondra says she feels broken. She just wants Kylie to have a mom and dad. (Moms, you need to give up on the dream. Or find a new step-baby-daddy.)

After talking to the couple for two minutes, Dr. Drew says “Cleondra, I get the feeling youre pushing him away.” Okay, Dr. Drew, use those mindreading powers.

Gosh, you’re right… I MAY have started to push him away around that time he started with the emotional abuse!

Cleondras going to school and working a full time job, and hates being away from the baby all the time. She doesn’t want to be like her mom, who raised 4 (gloriously multiracial) babies alone, but according to Dr. Drew she’s also unwilling to put her heart back in to the relationship.  “That’s what it takes to get relationships back on track. Willingness.” Uh, okay… some relationships just don’t work no matter how much willingness. You know that right, Dr. Drew? Or do you think these two were destined to be soulmates pre-baby?

Next up is anorexic Kayla! You know,the one who tried to lose weight while pregnant, and whose mom was an absentee bitch and asked her to go on a diet with her after birth. EW during her video recap we get a GROSS CSECTION SHOT! This is also the mom who asked her kids to pay rent, then told them to go to a hotel when the heat went out. Gahh. Kayla now lives with her dad instead, and is having continuous anorexia problems. She and Mike don’t have a relationship any more – she broke up with him because she didnt love him any more and didn’t want to put on a fake show of coupledom and marriage.  You go girl. “I realized I didn’t feel for him what you want to feel for someone you want to be with the rest of your life.” She doesn’t want to be with him just for the baby.

i’m sorry for this picture. i actually do like you.

Kayla’s horriffic mom comes out and explains: Mom says “I think once Kayla got pregnant I kind of looked at her as grownup” and thought she could do it on her own. Mom kinda crappily apologizes and looks as if shes about to giggle. Go Kayla! Youre so strong! I’ll be your friend and help you.

Mike was like the only supportive baby daddy on the show! He took care of everything and was so helpful and sweet, and he says baby Preston has him for life. Mike admits hes still in love with Kayla, but Kayla doesn’t love him back. Awkwardddd. But also cute.

every breath you take…

Poor everyone. “It took having Preston to make me realize this doesn’t have to be all my life is. I don’t have to be stuck with him.” Oook. I get the sentiment, Kayla, but that could have done with some rephrasing. Maybe I could date Mike and then I could play with the baby? Mike is also worried that Kayla will pass out on the baby, since she’s super anorexic right now. Kayla pinky promises Dr. Drew she’ll go therapy, as Mike sadly says in the background, “She’s never broken a pinky promise in her life.”

Next up is Kianna, another girl who really considered adoption, but her boyfriend was not into it. She said, “I’m willing to keep the baby.. if you’re going to help me.” Of course, since he’s like 15, he didnt help very much. Kiannas mom was also a teen mom (Exhibit E!), and gave her pills, but Kianna didn’t take em! The only major development is that the two are engaged.

if you impreggers it then you gotta put a ring on it!

Wow, 16 & engaged. Kianna doesn’t look particularly thrilled about the prospect of getting married, and she’s not even touching her fiancee Zach throughout the interview. Maybe she’s grossed out by his dad-abandonment-related tears.

Next is Isabella, the secret pregnancy lady with the lying boyfriend! He didn’t have no education. Things are way better for them now, as daddy Jairo now has a job and goes to school. (Allegedly.)

gangsta roosta. cockadoodledoo!

Isabella and Jairo are also engaged. Awww they are totes my favorite couple.

its a fat faced megan fox! no? no?

They also had a broken condom, and then she took the morning after pill, and it didn’t work because of her ovulation shedule. THAT SUCKS! That could totally happen to me! To all you judgmental fuckers out there, judge the other girls, but not this one. She knew what was up.

Ooops… next up is Allie. I guess I missed that episode. I guess there’s a fucking crazy druggy mom, and another lazy baby daddy, who she walked out on after he didn’t help with the baby. Allie is getting all A’s in school and is about to graduate and then go to college to major in math. She’s all alone, no baby daddy, no family. As Dr. Drew helpfully points out, “You’re not kind of alone, you’re very alone.” Thanks jerk. As Allie cries, there’s a shot of the audience feeling awkward and ashamed for their voyeurism.

thats right, bitches. i see you feeling ashamed at home.

So I guess Allie decided to stay in Texas with her boyfriend Joey’s family when she got pregnant, instead of going to New Jersey with her mom. But then Joey’s mom turned out to be a crazy bitch, so they moved in with Bolin, Joey’s baller grandma. Allie and Bolin got really close, but Joey was a shitty dad so Allie left him. Joey and Bolin haven’t seen the baby since then, months ago, because Joey refuses to see Allie and Allie refuses to leave the baby alone with him cause she’s afraid he’ll mess it up or steal it.

Allie starts crying because she feels so guilty for Bolin – the only adult whos ever stood up for her. Finally, they bring the baby out for Joey and Bolin to see for the first time in months and everyone cries. Omgggg. I just cried, and I didn’t even watch this episode.

Just a note to all you 16 & Pregnant haters out there, who I’m sure aren’t reading this recap but whatever – there is NO WAY this episode could be construed as glamorizing teen pregnancy. Everyone – moms, dads, grandparents – seems to super upset that they had a baby, and most of them cry about it, and all of them talk about how much it sucks. Even the happy couples that are still together are having a ridiculously hard time. Dr. Drew touts itsyoursexlife.com and the importance of learning about protection like 3 million times.

In the last few seconds they finally bring out the babies, and I am PISSED. I wanted a family shot where I could look at the babies with their families, and instead I just got a few random zoomins of babies milling around. GOD DAMNIT! THATS THE ONLY REASON I WATCH THIS SHOW

So looking at it all in retrospect, who are your favorites? Who would you want to see on Teen Mom 3?