24: 277 Funerals and a Resurrection

“All these people coming back from the dead…It makes my head hurt! I need a cheap hooker, Pronto!”

Greetings Gasmii! It’s 1pm in ’24′ world, and this week the bloodshed and mayhem begin in earnest! We’ve got a lot of ground to cover, including: shootings, a stabbing, a choking, acts of terrorism, acts of betrayal, lots of brooding, and even a resurrection from the dead!

Follow me…after the jump!

It’s 1PM in the FBI cubicle farm, and Big Daddy Larry Moss is addressing his staff. In a sign that FOX isn’t skimping on the budget for extras this season, we see Janis(eane) and Sean D-Bag at their work stations while a large group of nameless mopes stand around in a circle. Larry is still trying to find Matobo and tells Janis to coordinate with NSA. She mentions that dealing with them is painful and laborious because of all their “cloak and dagger nonsense,” but By-The-Books Moss is undeterred.

He reminds his staff that they need to find the Almeida/Bauer crew, because he believes it’s their only way to get the CIP device (which has been in the hands of Dubaku for the last few hours). Somebody needs to do a better job of keeping Larry updated on all the developments, he’s starting to look not-so-bright. Moss also informs all of those nameless extras that Renee was abducted at the same time the Matobos were. I could’ve sworn he told Janis to let everyone in the office know finding Renee was their top priority last week, so this little reminder is probably less for the staff and more for all of those viewers who missed 12PM-1PM.

Extras choreography: The Arm Fold. Go!

Larry saunters over to Ol’ D-Bag’s desk for a progress check on the phone call intercepted last week (in which Nichols orders the assassination of Agent Walker). D-Bag informs Larry that, despite his best efforts, he is unable to gain any useful information as to the whereabouts of Nichols/Dubaku’s swanky underground Baddie Bunker. Larry wonders aloud if there’s someone else who might be able to assist.

D-Bag tells him he doesn’t think they’ll find anything else on the recording that will help out, so can he please move on and proceed to banging Agent DeadSlut in the supply closet? Once again, either the show is trying to foreshadow D-Bag as the mole, or he’s one lazy dude. Larry reluctantly agrees and is in the process of walking away, when D-Bag has to go and be his usual D-Bag self, bringing up the whole missing girlfriend work-wife Agent Walker business and offer his condolences. Larry loses his shit for the one gazillionth time this season and jumps down D-Bag’s throat, insisting that they still don’t know whether Renee has been killed. Larry’s holding out hope she’ll be found alive. Janis shoots D-Bag a quick “You are such a dumbass” look, and that’s about all we get out of Janeane Garofalo this week. Unfortunately, we can’t have two weeks in a row of her supreme awesomeness.

We love you Smurfette! Hope everything is OK with your cats. See you next week, hopefully.

Hey, speaking of that presumed-dead Agent Walker, we immediately cut to the construction site where the A-Team BillBear and Chloe van is speeding in to save the day! Chloe is all jittery and not sure they have the right location, and BillBear informs her that “Tony said near the backhoe” while pointing to a mound of dirt approximately the size of one adult human female with two shovels next to it.

They find Renee and frantically start to dig her out, but she’s not breathing! I guess that silent clock last week was for her, afterall. Bill attempts CPR while Chloe digs into her Pulp Fiction prop bag and pulls out a shot of adrenaline. When the CPR fails, they give Renee a shot to the heart. After a few tense moments, Zombie Renee gasps and comes back to life! Even though Zombie Renee must be absolutely STARVING for brains right now, she has the presence of mind to ask BillBear and Chloe who the heck they are. Bill informs her they are working with Jack and Tony, and that she will be OK. I’ve been reading a lot about the Broadway slump here in Manhattan lately, and this scene just gave me an awesome idea for a new resurrection musical. I’ll call it “FBI Spice, Superstar!” Any interested production agents should contact me in the comments section.

“Iiiiiiii Don’t know how to Eeeeeat Braaaaaains!”

Next, we check in on Emerson and his little yellow short-bus crew of ex-military mercenaries. While Jack and Tony stew in the back with the Matobos, Emerson calls Nichols and tells him they are nearing the “rendezvous point”. Emerson heads back and informs the old CTU buddies that Nichols is on his way with the diamonds. Jack lets his “acting like a bad guy” thing drop for just a second and glares at Emerson, who immediately wants to know if something is bothering Jack.

Jack covers his ass by tossing it over to Tony, saying that he’s all angst-y because Tony mentioned he had no idea how he got out of CTU after being “killed” in season 5. I immediately wonder if the writers purposely included the scene of Zombie Renee being risen from the dead just before this other little piece of resurrection back story. We aren’t stupid!

Anyhoo…Tony echoes Jack and wants to know how Emerson got to him after his “death” in season 5. Emerson lets the two buddies know that Christopher Anderson (Hey, remember when Robocop was on the show playing a bad guy? That was awesome!) purposely missed Tony’s heart because the plan was for Emerson to swoop in, snatch him, revive him, and then use him to get to Jack. Unfortunately, Jack had to go and avenge his boyfriend’s “murder” by in turn killing Robocop, which meant the mission was a failure. Jack wonders aloud why, at that point, they didn’t let Tony go.

Emerson rehashes the whole “Tony chose to stay” thing about how the government let Almeida down and he became Emerson’s BFF. He says he “talked to and listened to” Tony. In other words, Emerson was a much better boyfriend than Jack. With a tear in his eye, Tony admits this is all true, and he felt like there was no “honor” left in the world. He goes on to admit from that point on he chose a path of “bro’s before ho’s” and teamed up with the Baddies. Emerson asks if that’s enough explainin’ on the resurrection front, and if everyone will just accept that being deceased on ’24′ simply means that your character is in ‘nappy land’ until ratings dip far enough?(I wonder if they’ll bring back Teri and Nina if we all stop watching for a couple weeks?)

This image of Christopher ‘Robocop’ Anderson is both a blast from the Season 5 past, and yet another taste of Resurrection Imagery!

From the front of the bus, Larry Levine Litvak informs the crew they are almost there. Jack, who just can’t stop himself from asking questions right now, wants to know how the exchange is going to go down. Emerson tells him not to worry, and he’ll find out when he needs to. Emerson heads to the front of the van and stares at their destination, which appears to be an airline hangar. However, he catches a glimpse of Tony and Jack whispering to each other in the back of the van, and is immediately consumed by suspicion and jealousy. He can’t stand the idea of his boyfriend reconnecting with an ex!

When they enter the hangar, Emerson orders Tony to help Litvak with the door and Jack to get the Matobos out of the back. But Wait! Emerson disarms Jack and puts the gun to his head! Litvak pulls his gun too, and Tony quickly takes him out. Sayonara Larry Levine Litvak, we barely knew ya!(Death Count: 1) Almeida turns to Emerson and tells him to let Jack go. Tony tells him to drop his weapon but Emerson, the enraged boyfriend, tells him he knew something was fishy and can’t believe his “brother” would try to steal the diamonds for himself.

Jack tells Tony to take a shot, and Tony tells him to “shut up!” Emerson doesn’t play along, so Tony shoots him in the arm. Emerson looks at him with complete shock and betrayal. He raises his gun to shoot back, which means Tony has to shoot him in the neck, Renee Walker style. Emerson goes down for the count and Tony immediately rushes to check on him while Jack kicks the recently deceased Litvak to make sure he is recently deceased. Whew! That’s a lot of action to recap.

Is it racist to call it a ‘Mexican Standoff’ when Tony Almeida is involved?

We cut to Chloe and BillBear treating Renee’s wounds back at the A-Team Good Guy van. Bill’s three day stubble has morphed into a full-on beard, because Bill is half man, half Chia Pet. Zombie Renee is asking a lot of questions, and wants to know who they are working for since CTU has been shut down. ChiaBill informs her that they are not working for any agency, just casually playing the part of normal, everyday saviors of the world. Zombie wants to check in with her boyfriend boss, but Bill informs her that the FBI has been compromised, and they can’t let word get out that she survived. If they do, Dubaku will know that Jack is coming for him.

Renee protests somewhat that she can trust Moss, but Bill reminds her she is new to the ’24′ world and doesn’t yet realize that it is virtually impossible to figure out who can and can’t be trusted. She’s just going to have to stay “dead” until they can get to Dubaku, retrieve the CIP device, and save the world. Before she can protest any further, Bill’s phone rings and Jack lets him know Litvak has bit it, Emerson is wounded, and Nichols is on the way to pick up the Matobos. Bill tells Jack he needs the Matobos on board, and that he’ll get there as soon as he can.

The Chia Bill: Watch it Grow and Grow and Grow!

After exchanging glances with Tony and blowing him a little kiss, Jack opens the back door of the van. Former PM Matobo demands to know what the heck is up with all that gunfightin’, and Jack tells him not to worry, they mean him no harm. Matobo is skeptical since Jack and Tony had a hand in that whole kidnapping thing. Jack tells him they had to do it to gain Dubaku’s trust, and that the Colonel is their primary target. He asks politely for their help in getting to Dubaku.

We cut to the Baddie Bunker where Nichols informs Dubaku that FBI Spice is “dead” and he’s on his way to go pick up the Matobos. Dubaku tells him that Emerson and his crew are now a loose end and need to be “tied off.” He can no longer trust Almeida, and would rather keep his diamonds for himself, thank you very much. That Dubaku really IS a bad egg! I think I can stop comparing him to Veruca Salt, he’s far worse than she is.  Nichols goes on to inform Dubaku that the Americans still haven’t withdrawn their invasion forces from the Coast of Sangala, and the Colonel Bad Egg is shocked.

President Taylor and her administration know that the Matobos have been kidnapped, so he wonders if she is simply reckless. His conclusion is that she will only respond once there are dead Americans. Nichols takes off to retrieve the Matobos, but first informs Dubaku that the entire staff is at his command. Nice job Nichols! Way to leave the sociopath in charge of the poison store! A nameless young baddie informs the General that they are still tapped into the Airspace controls and asks which area should be targeted. Dubaku tells him to target Washington, DC and we dramatically cut to commercial break!

In the Oval Office, President Taylor is finishing up a call with Bob Cornell at NSA when Slimeball Kanin oozes into her office. She informs Kanin that the NSA has detected a firewall breach and that the CIP device is probably being utilized. She also doubts that it’ll be another “warning shot” like the JFK incident. She tells Kanin to get all first responders in the country on the horn so they can be alerted to the threat and start preparing for it. Kanin, who hasn’t been paying any attention to what his boss has said all day, once again advocates for some kind of capitulation with the terrorists.

Perhaps showing them a sign of good faith will prevent an attack? She insistes, for the umpteenth time, that she will not be dictated to by a madman. Kanin reminds her that without Matobo, they have no chance of success in Sangala. He implores her to reconsider and states that they are out of options. She forcefully tells him that the NSA is working to find out what part of the infrastructure is being targeted, and that the FBI is still working on tracking down the device. Kanin reluctantly agrees, giving Madame Prez a moment to reflect at her desk with an “Oh, shit!” look on her face.

President Taylor’s Steely Exterior

Her Interior

Back in the airplane hangar, Almeida is treating Emerson’s wounds. He tells his old BFF that it was never about the diamonds, that Emerson was simply crossing a line that Almeida couldn’t go along with. Emerson tells him that, if it’s forgiveness he seeks, he won’t get it. Sensing that reconciliation is out of the question and that he has taken his very last ride on Tony’s bologna pony, Emerson punctuates his point with a nice “go to hell.”

Meanwhile, Jack is recruiting the Matobos into his Spy Games. They are understandably a little worried about playing pawns for a rogue group of ex-intelligence officials. Mrs. Matobo gently implores her husband to help out, as she seems to sense that Jack is telling the truth and has the best interests of Sangala and America at heart. Mr. Matobo agrees to help out on one condition…they leave his wife out of it. Jack reminds him that Dubaku wants her for leverage, which is a nice way of saying “torture.” PM Matobo refuses, which prompts his wife to ask for a moment alone with him.

While Jack goes over to check on Almeida and Emerson, Mrs. Matobo tells her husband she wants to do her part. She is ashamed at having opened the door of the safe room, and wants to redeem herself for the people of Sangala, which is her country too. She takes her husband’s head in her hands and sweetly insists that, after being by his side for 22 years, she won’t leave it now. That’s one hell of a wife! If my significant other were about to be turned over to torture-happy terrorists, I’d probably be trying to get the hell out of there and silently wondering when the last time I updated my match.com profile was. The former PM informs Jack they are both in for this crazy mission, prompting Jack to tell them that they are both very brave. Thank you, Captain Obvious Bauer!

She’s more the eHarmony type…

Jack saunters over to a couch where Tony is still brooding over the ex-boyfriend that got away. And by “got away” I mean “was shot in the neck by him.” Jack informs Tony that the Matobos are on board, and Tony just keeps staring at Emerson sadly. Finally, he tells Jack they need to get the “bodies” out of the way before Nichols and his crew show up. I guess this means that Emerson is now deceased?  I’ll believe it when they decapitate him. After all, we are watching the same show where 2 of our leads have recently risen from the dead. We’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and up the Death Count to 2, anyway.

Back in the Baddie Bunker, nameless henchman informs Dubaku that they are locked in. Dubaku tells him to “re-route the targets.” The henchman tells one of the flights to take a turn right, sending it on a collision course with another flight. Dubaku then tells another Baddie to dial up ol’ Stubborn Pants President Taylor on the telephone.

In the Oval Office, Kanin and Tim Woods from Homeland Security are briefing the President on the most recent NSA report, which states that they have no frickin’ clue what is going on and can’t localize where the attack will come from. He’s about to tell her how equally far the FBI’s head is up it’s own ass, when Tim Woods gets a suspicious phone call on his cell. We know it’s suspicious, because he’s looking at his phone like it just told him it’s pregnant and wants a million dollars monthly in child support.

“Wait a second…are you sure it’s mine? My doctor says I have a very low sperm count.”

While Woods creeps away to take the call, Kanin tells the President they are at a dead end, and need to start the withdrawal ASAP. Tim hears the word “withdrawal” and immediately thinks they are talking about him, so he comes back over to the desk. Once he realizes they aren’t gossiping, merely discussing the terrorism business, Woods inform the president he’s been forwarded a scrambled, untraceable call from Colonel Dubaku, which Madame Prez agrees to take. Colonel Dubaku tells her he is “disappointed” in her and thought she would have taken him more seriously. She assures him that “very serious” conversations have been taking place about the withdrawal. Anytime someone says they’ll take something into serious consideration, the answer is always “no.” Duh. Dubaku knows this, so he tells her the time for discussion is over and the deadline has passed.

He tells her to go to the window and look Southwest, to see what she has done. The handiwork he is referring to is a post-collision explosion in the sky of those two aircraft he re-routed. She calls him a “son of a bitch”, and he informs her that his demands must be complied with within an hour, or 10,000 more Americans will die. She looks like she wants to cry, but sucks it up and asks Kanin if the cabinet is still assembled. When he informs her it is, she walks out to meet them purposefully, as we cut to break. And I’m officially blocked. There’s just no way to make a joke out of something like two planes colliding mid-air. Trust me, I tried!

This is all I got…

After a five minute power walk down to the cabinet room, Tim Woods informs the president the collision included a commercial flight with 240 passengers and 10 crew members. The other plane was a private flight with 21 passengers, which ups our Death Count to 273 for this hour alone! Wow. Then, Woods is handed a memo which he shares with the gang stating that Congressman Brighten and his wife were likely aboard the commercial flight. This seems to REALLY upset everyone in the room. He must’ve been in the same political party. It’s bad enough that 271 innocent people died, but in the world of DC Political bloodsports, the loss of a single ally is, as Donald Trump would say, a ‘YOOGE loss! This is enough to get Joe Stevens on the Pansy-Pants “withdrawal from Sangala” bandwagon once again.

The President wants to hear what Tim Woods has to say on the matter. He informs the President that they are unprepared to deal with another attack, especially if they target power grids or nuclear facilities. It could lead to casualties in the hundreds of thousands. Joe Stevens chimes in again that they are risking everything to help Sangala and the mission is futile without Matobo anyway. The President thinks about it for, ooooh maybe 30 seconds and then insists that, while a chance of recovering Matobo exists, she will not give in. This lady president sure does have a Cisco Adler-sized set of balls!

A Lady with Balls!

President Taylor tells Admiral Smith to keep his troops in position to invade Sangala, and Secretary of Defense Stevens freaks out. He stands up and tells the President he believes she is guaranteeing another attack and he isn’t comfortable with that. She reiterates the “No being held hostage to blackmail or negotiating with terrorists” bit, and he talks back to her.

Uh-Oh! He implores her to think of what the families of victims will think. He tells her public opinion will shift when they find out these are acts of terrorism brought on by a reckless foreign policy, and that she could be faced with impeachment. Slimeball Kanin actually comes to her defense and tells Joe to STFU. Madame Prez tells Steven that he either has to tow the line or turn in his resignation. She says “Sit down or leave.” He backed down to her at the beginning of the season, but this time He decides to bail. Before he leaves, he admonishes everyone in the room to “think about what they are doing” and the price they are willing to pay. Everyone ignores him. I predict he’ll be back in the fold before the day is up.

After Stevens leaves, President Taylor addresses the room to alleviate their doubts and explain her reasoning. She says that when she took the oath of office (which hopefully the Chief Justice didn’t flub), she swore that the United States would continue to be a force for good in the world. We are a nation founded on ideals that are being challenged and blah, blah, blah. The administration’s response to this crisis will define a generation of both Americans and Sangalans, whom she still refuses to fail. There are a lot of grave looks around the table, and she tells them they are in for some tough times ahead, and they need to ensure they are ready to face them. The response to her “rah-rah America” speech is total silence. The cabinet has learned it’s lesson from Joe Steven’s dissension. The President is always right!

She leaves the room confidently, while her cabinet looks around at each other with concern. Once out in the hall, President Taylor allows her inner turmoil to bubble to the surface, and we see just how heavily this whole “Leader of the Free World” thing is weighing on her shoulders.

“Oh maaaaaan…that consulting gig is looking soooo sweet right now!”

After a break, Bill and Chloe arrive at the hangar in the A Team van. Chloe pops out of the van and Jack tells her to put a wire on Matobo. Then, Renee sees Jack for the first time since he shot her and buried her alive. The look on her face is quite displeased. I don’t know what her problem is…it’s just a flesh wound. Jack asks her if she’s OK, and she says “What do you think? You shot me and buried me alive.” Haha. Best line of the season so far! You Go, Zombie Spice!

Jack tells her to stop being such a nitwit, Emerson would have killed her if he hadn’t done those things to her. Besides, resurrection is totally working out for her. She looks FAB! He tells her they didn’t have a choice, and she says he did…he could have trusted her. He asks her if she would have believed him if he told her everything back at FBI HQ, and she doesn’t respond. I’m with Jack on this one. If someone came at me with a story filled with typical ’24′ twists and turns, I’d believe only that they needed medical attention for their psychiatric problems.

Meanwhile, Chloe orders Mr. Matobo to have a seat. She needs to outfit him with a super-swanky transmitter that will be attached to one of his teeth, allowing them to know where he is at all times. Matobo asks if she is with the FBI, and Chloe responds “No, I’m a stay at home mom,” which is absolutely hysterical. The tone of her voice when she says this is: “The FBI is for sissies!” I have to agree, if she can give birth to a child fathered by the gigantic-headed Morris, she is superhuman. She tells him to open up, and then commands him to do it wider, which is something her obstetrician probably had to say repeatedly during childbirth.

Coming soon to a Cervix near you…Big Headed O’Brien Babies!

Bill informs Jack of the plane incident and 270 deaths, as well as the threat of 10,000 more. He tells Jack that they only have an hour to stop it, which is way more than enough time for Bauer to pull something off. Renee overhears and looks confused. Jack asks her if she’s OK, and she says she is dizzy, but fine. He tells her to sit down, and she asks if it’s really true that the Bureau and Administration are corrupted. He tells her that not everyone in those places are bad, but until they figure out who is, they can’t trust anybody. She asks if he thinks the A Team can really stop the whole thing, and he says “We have to, it’s as simple as that,” leaving her staring off into space dramatically.

Outside the cabinet meeting, Tim Woods pulls Kanin aside and informs him the President is completely alone on her “Stay the Course” warpath, and that she’s going to get a lot of people killed. He tells Kanin that he needs to talk some sense into her, which Kanin has already tried to do 1 bajillion times today. Ol’ Pansy-Pants Slimeball agrees, noting they simply have to get through to her. Woods wants to know how he proposes to do that, and Kanin implies that the only man she’ll listen to is her husband, and they have to get him on their side.

Don’t worry Kanin…he’d be a pretty captive audience right now…

Conveniently, we cut away to first hubby, who is still neuro-paralytically paralyzed, or whatever, in Samantha Ross’s apartment. The drugs haven’t affected his eyes, because he’s shooting daggers at his former Lil’ Buddy Brian who is now sporting the newest look in Psycho wear, arm-length plastic gloves. Patrick Bateman would be Soooo jealous. He had to wear a crappy raincoat on his killing sprees. Brian is cutting cable chord out of the wall, for some nefarious purpose other than stealing the Spice channel, it seems.

Tim Gunn’s Guide to Psychopath Style: 1989 vs. 2009

Just then, Samantha Ross and the other agent arrive outside the apartment building, which by my calculations is just under 1 hour after they originally left the café. She must have begged him to stop off somewhere. My guess is a quick stop to get her eyebrows done and another for a Jamba Juice. After Samantha exits the car, nameless dude calls up to Brian, who is fondling the cable and staring at the rafters in the loft apartment. So, either Brian is planning to hang First Hubby, or he’s getting ready to practice his audition routine for Cirque Du Soleil. He tells his nameless partner to keep watch until he’s “done.” He doesn’t strip down and change into a purple unitard, so my official guess is that he’s going to hang First Hubby! Oh-No!

The trip to the building took forever, but luckily the elevators are super fast, because as soon as Brian hangs up, Samantha steps off the elevator and walks over to the apartment. She lifts up the door mat and removes the key we saw Brian break in with earlier. At first, she doesn’t notice First Hubby, but he’s desperately trying to scream “Danger!” with his eyebrows. Silly First Hubby, if she sees that, she’ll just think he’s making fun of her wax job. After a few moments sorting her mail, pulling out a wedgie, checking her teeth in the mirror for leftover spinach, and letting out a colossal belch, she enters the living room and notices Mr. Taylor!

She is initially startled but then starts telling him about the nice agent that brought her by, how the Redskins totally screwed up by missing the playoffs again, and the awesome Jamba Juice she just finished. It takes her ages to realize something is off with him. Narcissist! When she does catch on to his wildly gesticulating eyeballs, it’s too late. American Psycho Brian is already behind her and stabs her in the back! And by that, I don’t mean he makes snarky comments about her eyebrows, I mean he LITERALLY stabs her in the back. She asks the nice paralyzed man to help her, but he can’t. Gedge rolls her over with his foot and finishes the job with a stab to the chest. (Death Count 274!)

Does this look like the expression of a man who gives a shit what you had for lunch?

Before he can remove the knife, Gedge’s phone rings. It’s Slimeball Kanin and he wants to know where the First Hubby is so he can get him on board with Operation ‘Stop the Invasion’. Gedge informs Kanin that he can’t speak with the First Hubby because he is currently “meeting” with Samantha Ross in her apartment. Kanin flips his shit. After all, he explicitly told Gedge to keep First Hubby away from her. Furthermore, why didn’t he stay with him? Gedge apologizes and Kanin tells him to get up there and have First Hubby call him as soon as possible.

After hanging up, Gedge removes his knife from Samantha’s chest and approaches First Hubby. He puts the knife in his hand for prints and First Hubby tries to mutter something. Gedge tells him not to try to speak, as there’s “nothing left to say.” As Gedge walks away with the knife, the First Hubby realizes he can move his fingers and gets a wild-eyed look on his face as we cut to commercial.

When we return, we see Almeida placing the Matobos back in the short bus. Mr. Matobo tells Tony “We will wait here.” If you ask me, that is a totally helpful suggestion, as the other van with a cage in back for captives is all the way over in hangar number eight. Bill informs Tony over their com devices that the car is coming. Tony wants to know how many people are in the car, and Bill informs him that the windows are tinted and he can’t tell. When the car pulls in, we see that in addition to cool tinted windows, Nichols’ crew is rolling in a swanky black Cadillac SUV. This group of Baddies are Ballers, for sure! Four dudes pop out of the car, answering Tony’s question from 20 seconds ago. The Big Bad Ballin’ Baddie crew are all dressed in Baddie Black, except for one gent who opted for a grey T-shirt under his sweater. In every operation, there’s always one grey sheep. Also, it should be noted the guy in grey is sporting a seriously receding hairline, which probably explains his sartorial choices. Dudes that are self conscious about their hair will do anything to distract from it…even dressing unconventionally.

“I wonder if this Grey T-shirt makes my hair plugs look fat?”

Nichols tells Tony it’s good to see him, and how glad he was to hear he was back with them. And, oh yeah, by the way…where’s Emerson?  Tony informs him that he won’t be dealing with Emerson today, as he decided to off him, Litvak, and Bauer. He says they are in back if Nichols wants to say “Hi.” Hey Tony, stick to saving the world and leave the humor stuff to the pros, deal? Nichols is confused and wants to know what happened. Tony informs him that he killed them all because he didn’t want to share the cut, and that he was a little bummed about being left to “rot” with the FBI. This shuts Nichols up, and he asks to see the Matobos. Tony wants to see the Diamonds first, which they supply. Tony heads over to check out the goods with his little jewelers scope. Who knew Tony was an amateur gem-phile? Nichols again demands the Matobos, and Tony tells him they are in the short bus. The balding dude is sent over to get them.

Nichols tells Tony thanks for doing such a bang-up job, maybe they’ll call on him again someday. He then nods completely obviously to the dude behind Tony who pulls his gun. Luckily for Tony, Jack is in the rafters with a sniper rifle and takes the dude out (Death Count 275!), Tony in turn elbows the dude next to him and takes out the balding dude (DC 276!). Nichols knows he’s got no shot, so he lowers his gun and Tony takes it from him. He says “OK then, we’ll put that behind us. You got what you want, now get out of here.” OK, so THAT one worked Tony. I’ll cut you some slack. You’re still allowed to make little jokes every now and then. Nichols doesn’t move fast enough, so Tony barks “Now!” and sends him off with the Matobos. As they pull away in their swanky Caddy, Jack checks in with Chloe and she informs him that the transmitter is working.

“Hey you…nameless henchman behind Almeida. See me raising my eyebrows, nodding, and staring straight at you? That means it’s time to kill Tony!”

Back in Samantha’s apartment, Gedge is dragging First Hubby upstairs to hang him with the cable coil he illegally removed from the wall. As Gedge prepares the noose, First Hubby mumbles “Gedge” under his breath and flexes both fists. The drugs are wearing off!  It’s a good thing Samantha stopped at Jamba Juice, afterall! First Hubby Implores Brian not to do it, but he doesn’t listen, he picks up the first hubby and hauls him over to the railing. But, before he can get the noose around First Hubby, Mr. Taylor goes in attack mode, strangling Gedge! They struggle and both fall over the railing. Gedge lands on the dining room table, and First Hubby comes thudding down on top of him! Once on the floor, First Hubby continues to strangle his former Lil’ Buddy until he’s dead dead dead! (Death Count 277!)

The All New Turbo-Charged 2009 First Hubby! It goes from Zero to Completely Un-paralyzed in less than 60 seconds!

We close out the hour with a quick split-screen glimpse of everyone brooding while First Hubby lays panting on the ground. The camera finally settles on Colonel Dubaku who is on the phone with Nichols. He informs Nichols that the White House hasn’t complied with withdrawal demands yet. The president is not just stubborn, she must be insane. Nichols asks what he wants to do about it, and Dubaku says “exactly what we promised.” He turns to the nameless Baddie manning the computers and discusses their “target”, which is a processing plant in Kidron, Ohio. Yay Midwest! We’re calling you off the bench and into the game. It’s finally your turn to take one for the team. The Coasts have had enough. The kid informs Dubaku that casualties will be high, about 18,000 and Dubaku nods and tells him to “begin.”

Ba-Bum-Ba-Bum-Ba-Bum-Ba-Bum!

And there you have it Gasmii! This week was a bloodbath! Were you surprised by any of the deaths? I had a feeling First Hubby was going to make it, and of course I called Litvak last week. I was a little surprised they offed Samantha so quickly, but I feel like they shot their load with that character when she spilled all of the details of the Roger cover-up in a single meeting with First Hubby. I’m just glad all of Janis’ cats made it through the week safely! Continuing the resurrection theme from this week, who do we think isn’t dead yet? My guess is Emerson. I bet Tony stashed him somewhere to “pay him back” for saving him years ago. Oh yeah, and what do you think of Chloe confirming she had the baby? Let’s hope it doesn’t look like Morris!

See you next week.