Aside from the “3AM” reference and Rob Thomas being a textbook example of “GayFace”, this image is perfect because of the Ginger band member…he’s TOTALLY checking out Rob’s ass!
Hey Gasmii! It’s 3AM in 24 World…but nobody’s lonely! They’re all too busy participating in the gayest episode ever! Shirtless men, check! Dudes sharing a bed, check! Passive aggressive bitchiness, check! Chemical dependency issues, check! Overly dramatic diva-turns, check! Follow me as I recap it all for you after the JUMP!!
It’s 3AM and we open with a lot of random shots of carnage/aftermath at the apartment building bombing before cutting to Jack in the back of an ambulance. Dr. Macer is treating his latest seizure and Renee saunters up. Though the good Doc encourages Jack not to speak, as his vocal chords are paralyzed, he does his Bauer-Best to answer Renee’s “WTF is up?!” questioning by telling her to “Stop Tony…He…Second Man!”
“Jack, you bastard! It’s your fault I’m a zombie to begin with! Why do you have to do a cruel impression and rub it in my face?”
Renee totally understands Zombie-speak, and immediately calls in an APB while we get to watch Tony kill a couple more random FBI dudes and steal their ride, making sure to rip the GPS system out of the car and toss it out the driver’s side window first!
Back in the ambulance, Macer gives Renee another pack of Jack’s “No More Shakey” drugs and takes off. When they are alone, Jack explains that Tony was working with Galvez all along and totally pw3nd the FBI! Renee wants to know if that means Tony killed Larry, which Jack confirms. She’s pissed! He apologizes for vouching for his old buddy, since it blew up in all their faces. Renee gets a call on the radio that two more agents are dead, ride is stolen, tracking device deactivated, and they’re all screwed! Jack tells her it’s probably a good time to bring the White House up to speed.
“No want more screw ups. Want braaaains. Want baaaath. Want sleep.”
Tony arrives at a No-Tell-MoTel the second the scene w/ Jack and Renee finishes. Either the Motel was literally next door, or the production is taking a ’24′-esque leap of timeline faith and sensibility. Anyhoo…Galvez and Tony chit-chat in an entirely uncomfortable way. Galvez wants to know whassup w/ the selling of the canister biz, and Tony just wants the damn WMD bio-weapons, Thank you very much! Galvez inquires after his money first, and Tony supplies some card w/ a number to call verifying money has been wired to Galvez’ account. Satisfied that his money is there, Galvez tosses the knapsack on the bed. While Tony opens it revealing there’s only a frickin’ phone-book inside, Galvez stands behind him and pulls a gun. Stupid Galvez! Tricks are for ex-CTU para-military mercenary types…not hired hands.
“A few ground rules before we get started: 1) I don’t kiss on the lips…”
It all ends just about as you would expect…Tony scoffs at Galvez’ amateurish extortion attempt before beating the shit out of him and suffocating him with a shower curtain.
“Dude! Not cool! I told you rough play cost extra!”
Prez Taylor and Tim Woods are in the Oval Office having a ’24′ Exposition Heavy “catch-up” conversation explaining what happened during the last hour. Tim Woods informs Ma Taylor that Jonas Hodges survived his suicide attempt thanks to the intervention of his Marine Corps escorts (Hoo-ra!), that the pill probably came from the imposter NOT-Patty fake lady lawyer (body of real Patty found), and that everyone is surprised Jonas pulled through. Prez Taylor’s priceless response: “That’s because they’ve never met the Sunovabitch!” Haha.
Jack and Renee phone in with the regrettable news that the canister slipped their grip, and Madame Prez is NOT HAPPY. They spill the Almeida Mexican jumping beans about Tony double crossing everyone and Jack apologizes (yet again) for being played. Tim Woods and the Prez smartly move on to the more important challenge at hand: Figuring out WTF the plans for the canister are now that it’s slipped their grasp?!
What the opening credits of The Brady Bunch would have looked like if Alice was a terrorist and the gang kept missing their opportunity to capture her.
The FBI and Bauer are clue-less, but the Prez has an idea…she mentions Hodges’ rant about the bigger conspiracy. And, as luck would have it, they happen to have a post-suicidal Jonas in their clutches ripe for interrogation! Jack is all “Lemme at ‘im!”, and the Prez reminds him she’s not down with OPT (Other People’s Torture). Jack tells her that they won’t need to beat the living f*ck out of Hodges for intel, because if Proud (Mary) Jonas tried to kill himself, it’s because the Bigger Baddies are holding something over his head (likely his family). In other words, if the Government can entice Jonas with a sweet little offer of witness protection and “proof” of his death to satisfy the baddies, he should sing like a megalomaniacal canary!
Back at the Motel, NOT-Patty arrives at the room, sees dead/bloody Galvez in the bathroom, and gives Tony a cute little “Oh, You cad!” look. Tony tells her it was all necessary and that Galvez tried to extort them for more money. I would also like to note that Tony neatly re-hung the shower curtain. So nice of him! Anyhoo…NOT-Patty wants to go deliver the canister (which Tony discovered in the AC Vent) to the Bigger Baddies, but Tony takes a moment to advocate for using it NOW! Afterall, Hodges may have been a crazy bastard, but he provided NOT-Patty’s “group or gang or whatever” a unique opportunity to strike while the US Government/FBI are reeling! Patty agrees with him, strokes his face, but doesn’t think the “others” will be on-board. He advocates for trying anyway, and she agrees to do it. Tony starts stripping down, as we cut to break.
Maybe Tony’s skin looks so oily because he keeps letting everyone touch his face? He must spend a fortune on ProActive.
When we return, Agent Aaron Pierce (Hey Aaron!) is leading Ho-Livia into the Oval Office. She peppers him with questions, like the sketch-ball she is, about WTF is up w/ the whole FBI Operation/Being called into the Oval Office business. Aaron awesomely tells her he’s got no clue, is just following orders to deliver her to Mama Taylor, and he’s sure the Prez will fill her in.
Ho-Livia storms into the Oval Office asking all kinds of questions, and Tim Woods helpfully informs her the canister is officially out of their grasp. Olivia wants to know what the plans are to get it back, and Madame Prez sends Tim away so she and her daughter can have some alone time.
“Alright…I’m here. Let’s make this quick, I’m on my way to blow a bunch of bloggers so they’ll stop referring to me as Ho-Livia!”
Once it’s a Taylor Girl Power Party alone in the office, the Prez tells Ho-Livia she wants her to call the Attorney General and draft a little “Witness Protection” agreement thingy for Jonas Hodges. Ho-Livia is Ho-Livid! Hodges is a traitor! The Prez calmly explains her rationale: Hodges asserted he was a small cog in a big wheel, and this is the best way to get him to tell them what he knows. Olivia would rather designate the old bastard as an “enemy combatant” and torture the f*ck out of him. Prez Taylor puts her foot down and says they don’t “do that” in this “administration”! Dammit!
Evil, Entitled, Bitchy Ho-Livia has big brass balls enough to ARGUE with her mother (the President!). She plays the dead brother/dead civilians card and wonders what “Dad” would think about all this. Mama Prez shuts her down with a teary/emotional rant about how Roger was her son, but she’s the President and she swore to uphold the constitution (which says no torture, FYI), and yada yada yada. She orders little Ho-Livia to STFU and do her bidding. Olivia: Not Happy about it!
Tonight on Desperate Emotional Taylors:
“I can’t believe you called me fat! Low Blow! I’m just stress eating a little!”
“Whatever…MOM! How do you think I felt when you told me my blouse looked like a clown threw up on my chest?!”
“I started it?! YOU were the one who told me wearing red made me look ‘post menopausal’. Remember that?!”
Back in the Sleazy Motel, NOT-Patty is leading a lively group chat over the internet with a bunch of shadowy co-conspirators. When I say “shadowy”, I mean SHADOWY! These random men and women are shown in obscured lighting and weird camera angles. Sometimes we catch a glimpse of eyes, sometimes a mouth. The only two participants we see full shots/reactions from are NOT-Patty and her CPA-looking bald boss dude from last episode. The long and short of it: NOT-Patty wants to use the germies! The Shadowy co-conspirators, not so much! They don’t trust the lack of planning and this Almeida dude. For all they know, he’s bringing them a test tube filled with Swine Flu and a bunch of pipe dreams!
The Shadow Gang all have their individual reasons for employing weird lighting in their own homes:
Ricky “The Raccoon” Roberts can’t bear to see the effects that years of cocaine abuse have had on his septum…
Linda “The Lush” Loeb has been obscuring one half of her face with a wine bottle ever since her family embarrassed her on the A&E Trainwreck Intervention.
NOT-Patty has a Patsy lined up. He’s a stock Arab dude straight from central casting, and they’ll totally pin the whole thing on him with fabricated emails and documents. The brain trust is still skeptical, so Patty IM’s her balding buddy and begs him to “weigh in” for her. He IM’s back that he sorta/kinda/maybe agrees with what all the smart semi-hidden shadow people are saying. An impromptu attack on the nation just kinda smells like a bad idea!
NOT-Patty IM’s back a “Pwetty Pweeze” since Tony totally delivered for them. NOT-Patty’s boss is swayed by that. He weighs in and tells the group Crazy-Pants Jonas Hodges handed them a “gift” in bringing the nation to the brink, and they need to take advantage of it! That’s enough for the shadow group…one-by-one, all 12 weigh in with a “go for it” vote. Self-satisfied NOT-Patty, calls out to Tony and his nipples, emerging from the shower (with corpse next to it) and tells him all their dreams are about to come true! He rewards her for a dirty terrorist job well done by making out with her, as we cut to break!
Double Nip Slip!
Five minutes later, at FBI HQ, Janis leads Jack and Renee into Crazy-Pants Jonas Hodges “interrogation/hospital” suite. While Jack storms into the room, Plum Puddin’ Janis keeps Renee in the hall for a moment to inquire after Jack’s well-being. After all, he’s infected by some pathogen, full of “anti-shakey” drugs, and his BFF just betrayed him. Renee kinda shuts Janis the skeptic down, telling her Jack’s the M-A-N, and they both head in.
We cut to Crazy-Pants on a hospital style bed, ranting to the cameras/monitors around him that they didn’t “save” him, they “killed” his family! Behind a two-way mirror, Jack/Renee/Janis note he’s hooked up to “bio-metric” monitors that will let them know if he’s lying and that the President is watching! Jonas implores one of the soldiers guarding him to let him have his gun and finish the job! The soldier looks at him like the crazy-pants he is and ignores him! It’s all super-dramatic!
He’s normally a harmless Old Coot…but when the Hospital staff forgets his 3AM Puddin’ Cup, he loses his shit!
Jack comes into the interrogation room and tells Jonas to relax, he’s “already dead”. Haha. Jack sorta explains the deal (while in split-screen Ho-Livia storms out of the Oval Office in disgust). Jonas notes the President wouldn’t have the stomach for the “deal” they are proposing, but Jack notes that HE sure as hell does. Somehow, this gets Jonas talking. However, he doesn’t know much. It was all very anonymous. Basically a group of “like minded” government-contractor types were going to stage an attack “early next year”, framing “Muhammed this, Achmed that” (racist!) and when the citizens of the US saw how useless the government was…the cabal of evil contractors would swoop in and take over. Easy Peasy!
“And don’t you DARE bring me any of that tapioca shit! Chocolate or vanilla is preferred. Banana is acceptable.”
Jack presses and taunts the old coot…while Jonas tries to defend himself, saying he and Jack are alike as they have the balls to do whatever’s necessary (a few innocent lives here and there be damned) to save the country! Jack gets all indignant, swearing he and Jonas are nothing alike, and that he WANTS. THE. NAMES! Jonas claims not to know any of them, so Jack fakes a call to a Washington Post reporter (actually Renee behind the two-way glass), and is about to make a “statement” about how Jonas is still alive. Jonas freaks out, and tells him he swears he doesn’t have any of the other names! Everything was handled by an intermediary chick (the same one that gave him the poison). His truthiness is confirmed via bio-metric monitors and some morse code tapping on the two way glass by Renee.
“Puddin! Puddin! Puddin! I ain’t talking till these cheeks are full of puddin’!”
After taking a parting shot at Hodges (“Traitor!”) Jack heads behind the glass and phones the White House. The President is, of course, skeptical of old Crazy-Pants, but Renee tells her that the biometrics don’t lie! Jack starts talking about how the attack is imminent, and Tim Woods is surprised since Jonas said “next year”! Jack tells them his brilliant theory (all true, of course) that the evil shadowy folks will likely seize the opportunity/chaos created today to use the canister now. Oh-No! They all agree the best course of action is to check databases in the old CTU servers for the “Mohammed this, Achmed That” Hodges was talking about earlier. The Prez recommissions CTU! (Sorta, their servers at least). Renee heads out to grab them from the Dept. of Justice “on the third floor”, while Jack calls the one person who will cut through those servers like a hot knife through buttah: Chloe!
Chloe’s sleeping soundly in a comfy hotel bed with her boy Prescott while Morris (still in the doghouse because of the “selling Jack out business”) is on the sofa-bed. Chloe wants to know WTF!? is up, especially w/ the rumors of Bill Buchanan’s demise. Jack regretfully informs her it’s all true, but that he needs her help to stop a biological attack using the CTU servers (helpfully re-commissioned by the Prez). Chloe sniffles a little about being called back to action/Bill’s death, but agrees to do the job anyway. She kisses little Prescott on on the head and wakes Morris to tell him about the impending biological attack. His instinct is to flee, but Chloe tells him she’s gotta answer the call of duty for the FBI (even though they arrested her and treated her like crap yesterday). She implores him to understand and get the hell out of Dodge w/ their baby boy, before grabbing her things and heading out…as we cut to break!
Chloe hit her rock bottom and realized her coloring addiction was out control when she found herself subconsciously reaching for crayons at the most inopportune times!
When we return, Junkie Jack gets a quick fix before heading into the FBI conference room for a briefing meeting. Jack and Renee take charge of the meeting and bring the FBI gang up to speed on the “theory” that an attack is imminent. They don’t know the target. They don’t know who’s involved (other than Tony and NOT-Patty). But gosh darn it, it’s happening! Some dude named Tim Moran from Field Ops asks a lot of sketchy questions, as does Janis. Jack gets passed a note and skips out of the meeting leaving Renee to handle the skeptical-pansy-pants crew. Janis’ chief concern is using the CTU servers (“illegal! What are we, CTU-Lite?”). Renee gently tells her to STFU and continues the briefing.
“I know it’s wrong…but I’ll quit tomorrow, I swear! Plus, it’s not like I’m COLORING or anything!”
Jack and Chloe meet up in a hallway and embrace. She notes he “looks like hell”, but he assure her he’s fine. Liar! They discuss the ins and outs of the CTU server stuff, but Jack takes a moment to fill her in on Dirty Tony’s involvement in everything. Chloe is, at first, skeptical. Jack explains that Tony is working for a group of shady military-contractor types trying to seize control of the government, and that he played all of them…and tried to kill Jack! Chloe is keeps holding out hope that “it doesn’t make sense…there must be a reason.” Jack shuts her down, telling her the Tony she thinks she knows doesn’t exist anymore and he needs to know if she’s “with” him. Of course, she’s on Team Good Guy. Yay!
“Dilated pupils, sweaty, jumpy, twitchy…he’s totally got a stash of coloring books hidden away somewhere! Note to self: Find them!”
Tony and NOT-Patty arrive outside the apartment of Jibraan Al-Zarian…some 27 year-old Muslim patsy with no ties to a known terrorist organization that they plan to frame for their evil deeds. The poor dude is a loner illegal-immigrant who’s parents were killed by US air strikes on the Pakistani border back in the day. Perfect! They’re going to create a bunch of fake emails making it look like he’s behind everything because he fits the “psych profile”. Cold!
In the apartment, Jibraan is watching the news and preparing a nice early-morning breakfast for himself and his little brother. They share a nice little moment together in the kitchen where big brother Jibraan tells his little brother to hurry home after work, it’s not a “good day to be a muslim” because of all the terrorism funny business. The little brother laughs at this, since Muslims weren’t involved in the attack and most of his colleagues assume he’s “Puerto Rican” anyway. Haha.
He DOES sorta look Puerto Rican…just sayin’!
Back outside, a couple more Baddies arrive and impatient Tony notes it’s about time. The gang of four, all decked out in Baddie Black (technically NOT-Patty would be in Bitchin’ Black?) saunter purposefully toward Jibraan’s apartment, as we cut to break!
Five minutes later, in the White House, Ho-Livia is pouting in her office and reading something when Aaron comes in. The Attorney General is waiting for her to “sign off” on something, and everyone is looking for her. Ho-Livia wonders aloud if Aaron knows what’s up, and then answers her own question by noting it’s all highly classified and he wouldn’t be in the loop. She loops him in anyway, because she’s a stupid little brat, and tells him all the super-secret inside scoop stuff regarding Hodges being alive and being offered a witness protection agreeement. She’s got her pissy-pants on because all of the sudden she’s revenge-hungry for her brother (oh yeah…and those other innocent victims too, I guess). Aaron does his best to paternally offer some advice to the little brat. The gist of it: Life isn’t always fair, Your Mom is a great lady, STFU and do your job. She seems to accept the advice, and on his way out Aaron asks if there’s anything else he can do for her. She sorta half-jokingly wonders aloud if he could klll Jonas Hodges for her. Aaron doesn’t appreciate the humor and looks at her sternly/wordlessly. She apologizes and tells him she’s just venting.
Sorry, Aaron! All the disapproving looks in the world aren’t enough for Ho-Livia. If you’re going to be her Daddy Figure, you might want to think about Corporal Punishment.
When Aaron leaves, Olivia has some kind of internal debate with herself and nervously picks up her cell phone. She calls an attractive, fit, half-naked middle-aged dude named Martin who is asleep is his tastefully modern bedroom. They exchange a few pleasantries about being woken at 4AM and getting fired from jobs. Martin describes his tactics as too “hardball” for his most recent employer. Some younger half-naked dude rolls over in the bed next to Martin when he hears the word “hardball”. It’s probably a member of his softball team that lives all the way across town, or something? It was sweet of Martin to let him crash at his pad instead of driving all the way home after the big game.
$20 says that Martin’s the catcher on that softball team.
Martin gets out of bed to speak with Olivia in the privacy of the hallway, lest he wake his sleeping teammate. Ho-Livia and Martin reminisce about fun times on the campaign trail. Specifically, they discuss a fun drunken conversation they had shortly after Ma Taylor picked VP Hayworth as her running mate. Apparently, Hayworth had a nasty little prescription drug habit and a local reporter was getting to be a problem. Martin mentioned something to Olivia about how there was no problem that couldn’t be fixed or “eliminated”. Oooh. She clearly wants to discuss said “tactics” in relation to her Hodges problem. They both agree that this is a conversation best had in person and not over the phone, so Martin agrees to toss on some clothing and meet her at the White House in 15 minutes. When she hangs up, Ho-Livia shudders and looks nervous some more. She’s wading further into the deep end of hardball tactics! Sleeping with reporters was all well and good, how about a little murder thrown in the mix?
I guess it’s nice for Olivia that her heinous actions can still surprise and shock herself. The rest of us wrote her off hours ago…
Back at FBI HQ, Chloe and Janis are together again attempting to get the CTU servers back online. Chloe passive aggressively orders Janis around, who asks if Chloe wants to just take over. Chloe awesomely says “only if you want it to work right.” Haha. Janis gives her the look of death and continues bitching about the Bill of Rights and stuff while Chloe works. From across the room, Jack tells Janis they’ll let her leave the building before they trample on said Bill of Rights. Haha. Chloe gets the server up, and Janis makes another dig saying “Hello Big Brother!” Jack loses his shit and bitches Janis out for being a pain in the ass cry-baby and asking her if she thinks her need to complain is more important than saving a bunch of lives. Oh yeah, and in his impaired state, he refers to President Taylor as “President David Palmer.”
OMG! It’s like the World Championships of Passive-Aggressive Bitchiness!
Janis shuts up and Jack walks away with every eye in the room on him. Chloe is worried that something is “really wrong” with Jack because he said “President Palmer” twice! Was that your first clue? What about the shaking/sweating and stuff? Hmm
Back in the Al-Zarian apartment, the brothers are cleaning up after their little breakfast when the power goes out! The incorrectly guess it’s a fuse and not a bunch of evil para-military types. While Jibraan checks the fuse box, his bro Hamid is drugged and knocked out by one of the baddies. Jibraan comes back in the room just in time to see the baddies toss his little bro over their shoulder like a laundry bag and Tony pulls a gun to his head. Jibraan wants to know WTF is going on, but Tony tells him his options are to shut up and stay alive or take a bullet in the head!
There you have it Gasmii! We’re getting down to the wire! I think we got a lot of questions answered this hour, and a whole hell of a lot more that were brought up! Four more hours to go! Predictions?
See you next week.