24: Dick-notized, The Musical!

Greetings Gasmii! This week’s episode of ’24′ was very stylized and moody. There were a lot of intense, lingering shots of facial expressions meant to convey each character’s inner turmoil. The whole time I was watching, I imagined them bursting out into musical numbers during those very very very emotional moments!

So, without further ado…I present “Dick-notized, The Musical!”

Check it out…after the jump!

It’s 5PM in FBI HQ and Agent Mole-Bag is sitting around being his usual suspicious, mole-y self and glaring at Larry Moss and Chloe in the conference room. After the last notes of the opening overture, his little work fling Erika DeadSlut comes up to his desk. DeadSlut is waving a printout of the requests for warrants that sidelined Jack and Renee at the end of last hour. She found a footprint on one of the servers that showed the warrants originated at D-Bag’s desk and wants to know WTF is going on! Sean pulls her aside and says “Keep your voice down! Do you want US to get caught!?” Wh-what!? It’s a double mole operation, it seems…so that blind little critter from last week was right! Sean and his little DeadSlut were in cahoots! He owns up to sending the warrants and catches DeadSlut up on the Marika tracking business. He’s hoping the operation will be sidelined until Dubaku is long gone. She’s all nervous and wants to know why he didn’t tell her sooner. He goes into Misogynist-mode and tells her “because I knew you’d react like this.” He gives her a soothing green tea Vitamin Water, an emergency hysterectomy, and mentions that he was the one that recruited her into this terrorism business, and that he’s taking responsibility for getting both of them out. He escorts her back to her desk, tells her to sit there calmly like a good little girl, and he’ll keep an eye on Larry and Chloe…mm’kay?

Out on the streets of DC, Jack is bent over the hood of a police cruiser fruitlessly trying to tell the cops who he is and what they are doing. In split-screen, we see Renee doing the same. They are tossed together into the back seat of a cruiser, and Renee immediately starts harping on Jack for letting Marika get involved. She promised sister Rosa that she would protect lil’ Marika, and now Dubaku’s probably going to kill her! Jack says that they “didn’t have a choice”, for about the infidazillionth time this season. It’s official: “We didn’t have a choice” is the new “We’re running out of time!” Jack punctuates his point by stating that Marika was their best “asset”, which really upsets Renee. She notes that Marika is a human being, not an asset. Jack doesn’t have a good comeback for this, so the two of them stare intensely off into space…while the opening chords of ‘Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off’ begin to play.

Speaking of that little piece of asset, she’s still en route to her date with danger! Her car pulls into the alley where Sambaku awaits her. She tries to greet him warmly, but he gets aggro, grabs her arm, and pulls her from the car. He demands her cell phone, and she does her best to play dumb. He tells her he knows she was working with the FBI, takes the phone from her, and smashes it on the ground! Marika, realizing the jig is up, attempts to flee, but he grabs her and shoves her up against a dumpster. He demands to know how she could betray him like that, and she confesses that the FBI told her who he really is and what he is responsible for. He claims these are “lies” created by his enemies, and that he is actually a hero in Sangala. She starts to cry, and his tone softens (awww), he tells her not to be afraid, that he still loves her, is a forgiving man, and still wants her to come with him. She protests that she can’t go with him because she doesn’t know who he is! He says “You do…if you look past your fear, I’m still the man you fell in love with.” He performs a piece, set to the tune of Mariah Carey’s ‘Hero’, that totally does the trick. Marika, crying, has no other choice but to go with him.

Meanwhile, the DC cops have finally confirmed that Jack and Renee were telling the truth. They let them go with a little “sorry for the misunderstanding,” which I guess would be sweet if they hadn’t royally f*cked everything up. Renee checks in with Larry/Chloe, and is informed that the signal was lost but they are searching traffic cams for any sign of them. As Jack and Renee speed off in pursuit, Larry/Chloe catch sight of the grey jeep pulling out of the alley onto 11th street two minutes ago. Jack and Renee are in hot pursuit!

In Dubaku’s car, he phones Burnett to check on the airplane and is informed it’s fueled and ready to go. Burnett inquires about Marika, and Dubaku says she “had a change of heart” and is coming with him. Burnett flips his shit, because Marika was working with the Feds. Dubaku tells him it is not his concern and that he only needs to worry about getting Colonel Psycho-Pants out of the country. When he hangs up, Marika asks who he was talking to, and Dubaku tells her it was a bad, corrupt government official that had been working for him. He smiles sweetly at her and tells her he is looking forward to not having to deal with men like that anymore, and spending time with people he cares about (read: her). She smiles weakly back at him, but then looks out the window and the dread returns to her face.

“This isn’t going to end well…it’s like that time Rosa and I went to see the musical version of ‘Titanic’ and I forgot her colostomy bag!”

Meanwhile, Jack and Renee are closing in! Renee mentions that she sees the car turning left, which prompts Jack to take a little shortcut through a park! He narrowly avoids several park-goers but gets side-tracked by a T-ball game. He can’t help it, those little suckers are cute when the entire team chases after every fly ball. Renee reminds him about Marika, so he speeds out of the park and winds up a few car lengths behind Dubaku’s jeep. Dubaku’s driver catches a glimpse of them in his rearview, and we are treated to a tense car chase through the streets of DC where banners are flying promoting the “Washington DC Festival.” Unfortunately, during a hard turn, Jack and Renee are cut off by a yellow “Zippy Taxi” and crash! Jack tells Renee to get out and try to maintain a visual. In Dubaku’s car, Marika sees the crash behind them, and decides to take matters into her own hands! She lunges forward to play peek-a-boo with the driver and grabs the wheel! The jeep does a really strange flying flip through the air after hitting a puny little Ford!

Jack and Renee approach Dubaku’s vehicle on foot and call for an ambulance. Dubaku’s driver emerges from the windshield and Jack orders him onto the ground. The driver reaches for his gun instead. Stupid! Bang Bang Bang, Jack takes him out. Bauer pulls Dubaku out of the back of the jeep and drags him to the sidewalk, while Renee attempts to retrieve Marika. Jack notices the car is on fire and yells for Renee to get out of there! But she’s not having it…she’s still trying to free Marika! Jack runs to the wreckage and tries to physically pull Renee from the car, but she turns on him and pulls her gun! She tells Jack she “gave Marika her word” so he needs to back off or help out. Jack has a super pissed off expression on his face. He doesn’t like having guns pulled on him. At any rate, he helps her out, entering the vehicle and freeing Marika’s pinned leg. As the two of them drag her from the wreck, the car explodes! Jack rushes over to Dubaku while Renee begins to administer CPR to Marika. While Jack barks at Larry over the comm to get that ambulance, we see Renee kneeling over Marika’s body. The CPR is futile, as Marika is already dead. Renee performs a howling aria of lament in the middle of the street.

After a brief intermission, the curtain pulls back on Act II. Madame Prez is in the waiting room at “West Arlington Hospital.” While she belts out a verbatim cover of LeAnn Rimes ‘How Do I Live Without You’, Ethan Kanin is updating her on the progress of the invasion of Sangala. Unfortunately, she’s totally wrapped up in her performance and stares forlornly into space with tears in her eyes. Her final flourish ends just as Kanin delivers the last piece of info, that Kasanga province and it’s refuge camp has been liberated, saving thousands of lives! He realizes she’s not paying attention and says “Madame President?” She snaps out of it and tells him that the Kasanga Province stuff is very good news, but still has a mopey face and tears in her eyes. He asks if he can get her anything, or if she wants to “talk” about it. She’s having a pity party, and blames herself for not believing Henry about her son’s murder sooner. She thinks that, if she’d only listened to him, he wouldn’t be all shot up, they might’ve exposed the conspiracy, and the government wouldn’t be paralyzed. Damn! Beat yourself up much, lady? Kanin tries to make her feel better by saying he didn’t believe Henry either, that “no one did.” Madame Prez counters that she was his wife, and he deserved her trust.

The pity party is interrupted by Bill Buchanan, who comes in to tell them that Dubaku has been apprehended by Bauer and Walker, but that his condition is critical and he’s non-responsive at the moment. Kanin’s facial reaction to the news that Dubaku was captured was highly suspect, and I still think he’s a giant slime ball somehow involved in what is going on. The President asks if any hope of uncovering the conspiracy would be lost with Dubaku’s life, and Buchanan confirms that is the case. Given the current circumstances, Bill thinks it’s wise to high tail it back to the White House because she’s too “exposed” at the hospital. She of course, doesn’t want to leave Henry, but Kanin jumps on the Buchanan bandwagon and tells her Henry will be in surgery for many more episodes hours, and that she’s needed in the Oval Office. She finally relents and Bill takes off to make the arrangements and have her daughter re-directed to the White House. After Bill leaves, she wonders aloud how they are possibly going to run a government that has been so horribly corrupted, and Kanin says they’ll just have to hope that Bauer/Walker can get the names from Dubaku. (While, I assume, secretly hoping that Jack and Renee fail miserably.)

Speaking of Bauer/Walker, they’re still at the crash site. As Walker stares forlornly at Marika’s body covered in a yellow tarp, Bauer is barking at the paramedics that he needs to speak to Dubaku NOW because has information vital to national security. One of the paramedics relents and tells the other to give him a milligram of epinephrine, or “Wakey Wakey Eggs and Bakey” drugs, as it’s known on the streets. They administer the shot, and Zombie Dubaku (complete with eyes rolled back in his head) gasps to consciousness just as Renee did earlier this season! Jack starts hounding Dubaku. The gist of it is: The jig is up…give me the names, from one soldier to another! When Dubaku doesn’t respond, Jack threatens the life of his son in Sangala. Old torture habits die hard with Jack! This prompts Dubaku to say “don’t hurt my family.” If you weren’t already convince he really is a sentimental sort of terrorist, after all the Marika nonsense, this pining over his family stuff should do the trick. Zombaku starts to tell Jack about the list, but his eyes roll back in his head and the paramedics shout that his BP is spiking! Jack screams “Where is the list!?” It’s all super dramatic, and giving me a bit of a headache! He’s lying right there, Jack…stop screaming!

As Jack starts searching Dubaku’s clothes for “the list”, the paramedics start administering defibrillator paddles, but they aren’t working due to some kind of interference from a metal plate under Dubaku’s skin! This gets Jack’s attention, and he demands they open him up to get the plate out! They protest, and he pulls the “we don’t have time” card again, so they relent. They cut into the colonel with a scalpel, and Jack finds a small chip implanted in his skin. Cool, but gross! He finally lets the paramedics take Dubaku away, and calls Larry to let him know what he found. As he describes the chip and what it contains to Larry, we catch a glimpse of D-Bag listening in with a “Curses! Foiled Again!” look on his face. Larry asks Jack if he can upload the information, but Jack hasn’t seen this kind of chip before, so doesn’t know how. He asks a kindly, nameless helicopter pilot to take it to FBI HQ and put it Larry’s hands, and Larry’s hands alone!

Sean, who was listening in, flips out and takes off for the ladies room, where DeadSlut is washing her hands and performing a soaring rendition of ‘Saving All My Love For You’. When Sean storms in, she’s surprised because he was totally anti-quickie earlier today when she suggested it. She wants to know what’s wrong, and he tells her to just listen and not “overreact.” When he tells her about the database making it’s way to FBI HQ, she totally overreacts! Her instinct is to get the hell out of dodge, but he tells her he has a plan and he promises her it’ll be alright. This prompts her to bring up his other failed promises such as Dubaku getting out of the country and the whole “leaving his wife” thing. He calms her down a little with a creepy soothing voice and tells her his master plan is to crash all of the systems at FBI HQ. She calls this plan “crazy”, and he tells her it’s not. Once Chloe downloads the info, they’ll crash the system and reformat all the drives…wiping the slate clean and saving their asses! Easy Peasy! DeadSlut is still skeptical, so creepy D-Bag gets all complimentary. Telling her how she’s the best there is and yada yada…he puts his hand on her face, and she calms down, agreeing to do it. He tells her to go up to the server room and get started, and he’ll bring the reformatted drive she needs. Before she leaves, he says he loves her. She giggles like a school girl and says she loves him too. They kiss, he pats her on the ass, and she skips off happily. It’s official: Just as Larry is completely P*ssy-whipped by Renee, Agent DeadSlut is completely Dick-notized by Ol’ D-Bag.

Act III opens In a hospital where Zombie Spice is staring forlornly at the walls again. A cop comes up and hands her Marika’s personal effects, which she looks at sadly. Jack approaches the emotional wreck politely and tells her that Larry and Chloe got the drive, and that they should have something in the next few minutes. Agent Walker gets confrontational and says “That’s all that matters, right?” Back off Barbie! Jack doesn’t like what happened to Marika either, but it was necessary and she’s going to have to find a way to live with it. Renee sarcastically shoots back a question “How, pretend it never happened?” Sensing this conversation is going nowhere, Jack walks away, telling her he’ll let her know when Chloe finds something.

At FBI HQ, Larry delivers the drive to Chloe, who notes that it’s a “PX-1-7″ with an auto-erase function. Translation, they’ve only got one download! Ruh-roh! She pops it in, and the download starts automatically while she and Larry look on with concerned faces.

Down in the dark server room, Erika is fussing with cables and stuff when D-Bag comes in and hands her the drive she needs and starts watching surveillance cameras to watch out for Larry/Chloe. Erika gets to work and tells Sean it’ll just a few minutes while she bypasses security protocols. Just then, D-Bag gets a call from Burnett. Sean informs him that the FBI is in possession of the drive, and Burnett flips out, telling him he needs to take care of it. Sean assures him he’s working on it, and hangs up while Erika is grumbling “Damn It!” There’s a few tense moments while Erika works on the computer and spouts a lot of tech-babble about roadblocks she’s encountering while Sean looks on nervously. After a few frantic keystrokes and more grumbling tech-speak, the monitor chirps and whirs and a bunch of screens flash by quickly. Success?! Sean asks “Is that it?” and Erika gets a happy/satisfied look on her face and tells him the program is running!

Down in the conference room, Chloe starts to panic when she realizes the system is reformatting and they are going to lose everything! Larry tells her to stop it…but it’s too late. Chloe notes it’s a deliberate crash, and they need to get to the mainframe room ASAP!

Sean notices Larry/Chloe on the way, and tells Erika they need to hurry up and get out of there. She still has that satisfied smile on her face, and informs him that it’s done and there’s no stopping it! This prompts Sean to get all horny and say “Baby, I knew your could do it” while Erika giggles. He puts his hands on her face and starts backing her up against the servers for a little make-out session. At first, I was totally confused because he said they needed to get out of there. DeadSlut asks “Are we going to be OK?” and Sean’s says “We’re going to be fine.” They start making out. But then, a gunshot! Erika groans! D-Bag frickin shot her in the stomach! (I’m now two for two, with Sean being the mole and DeadSlut being a Dead Slut! I am available for Psychic readings for $1,000/hour. Leave requests in the comment section.) Erika slumps to the floor with a confused/betrayed look on her face and blood gushing from her mouth, while Sean just watches her creepily. He says “sorry”, shoots himself in the arm, and then slides the gun over to her just as Larry bursts in with Chloe behind him!

Larry orders Sean to the floor, and he starts with his ass-covering immediately. He says “Larry it wasn’t me.” Larry orders Chloe to start recovering the files while he tries to figure out WTF is going on. D-Bag does his best James Frey imitation and lets rip a harrowing tale filled with half-truths and fabrications. He blames Erika for everything and plays stupid. He says he discovered that she issued the warrants and got suspicious, and then hacked into her work station and discovered she was trying to crash the system. He followed her up to the server room to confront her, she shot him in the arm, and then they struggled and he “accidentally” shot her in the gut. Chloe informs Larry they lost everything as backup comes in. Larry makes a grumbly growly face, and we cut to break!

Act IV opens in the FBI Nurse’s office, which they had to put into HQ after Janis accidentally infested everyone with a particularly nasty case of feline lice. Sean is freshening up and changing into a fresh shirt, which he has kept a stash of handy in the office ever since he started doing sweaty sexy time with Erika in the supply closet. Larry comes in and asks for more details of Sean’s pretend sting operation on the Dead Slut, and Sean continues to play dumb…demanding to know what is going on. Larry finally spills the beans about how the government has been compromised by Dubaku (including the FBI), which is why he brought in Chloe. Sean tells Daddy Larry that he wishes he would have trusted him with that information, and Larry repeats the ’24′ chorus: (all together now!) “I didn’t know who I could trust.”

Just then, Chloe calls Larry on his cell and says “Don’t ask me how, but I recovered Dubaku’s files!” Larry asks her how, and she tells him that she was running a “mirror server”, which she does when dealing with sensitive information (or back asswards systems like the FBI’s). Bossy Mossy is, of course, super pleased with this information, and tells her to start cross-referencing for FBI personnel. Someone not so pleased: D-Bag Dillinger. When Larry tells him the “good” news, there was a gong sound effect while a look of terror struck his face. He’s all sweaty-nervous, and tells Larry he’s going to get to work on a statement about the incident. Larry tells him he should go talk to the FBI shrink afterwards, since he shot a fellow agent and all.

Sean heads out into the cubicle farm and makes a bee-line for his desk. Janis intercepts him, and wants to know WTF is going on with the whole system crash and locked server room thing. He blows her off, telling her he needs to go run an errand. She can’t believe he would be leaving at that moment, because she is clueless about what’s been going on! I also noticed, during this scene, that Janis is wearing purple tights to match her purple shirt. The monochrome theme combined with her tiny stature is totally reminding me of a strawberry shortcake character, or something.

There are worse things I could do

Than cause an innocent death or two

Even though the neighborhood thinks I’m a torturer and no good

I suppose it could be true

Rosa wants to know where her sister is, and Renee has the unfortunate task of informing her that Marika didn’t make it, there was an accident, but she was totally a hero for helping them catch the bad guy! She finishes her sad little story by handing Rosa the bag containing her sister’s jewelry, and Rosa flips her shit big time! She really rips into Agent Walker for promising to protect her sister and then failing. If only Rosa had heard the heart-breaking number Renee just finished, she’d realize that Renee is actually very very sad about Marika’s passing. At any rate, Walker can’t really do anything but stand there and cry while Rosa unloads on her.

How can people be so heartless

How can people be so cruel

Jack, sensing Renee is in trouble, calls her away from the howling woman in the wheelchair. He informs Renee that they uncovered the information on the drive and that arrests will be made within the hour! In other words, “it’s over.” Walker, still crying after both the handicap harangue and her emotional solo from earlier counters with “It’s not over for Rosa!” Jack does his best not to roll his eyes in front of the emotionally unstable woman, and tells her AGAIN that the “didn’t have a choice” and they saved thousands of lives, so she’s just gonna have to suck it up!

As he walks away, Renee decides to push his buttons and tells him she read her file and wonders if that’s what he told himself after his wife died. Bad move, Renee! Jack gets angry and demands to know what she wants from him! She tells him she wants to know if he feels anything at all. To test him, she slaps him, twice, while demanding to know if he felt that! On her third attempt, Jack catches her hand, and she collapses into him in a sobbing mess. He tries to tell her she’ll get used to the “making painful sacrifices” thing and that she’ll find a way to live with herself. She asks what if she can’t, and he tells her to quit! On his way out of the hospital, he tells her that he really didn’t appreciate the whole “having a gun pulled on him” thing, and that next time she pulls a stunt like that, she better be ready to use it! Her response: “I did.” Mournful music plays as Jack makes his exit.

He’s a little depressed that this is the most action he’s gotten in a couple of years.

Act V opens in the White House, where the Taylor women are reunited. First Daughter Olivia immediately wants to know what happened to her father, and Madame Prez informs her about about the government plot and how Mr. Taylor uncovered it. Olivia wants to know who these people are, and see her father. The President, of course, can’t share this information or allow Olivia to leave the safety of the White House…so First Daughter gets all Sassy-pants with her. The women get into a battle of wills and burst into a spirited cover of ‘Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better’. We, the viewers desperately need a little of the back story here, because Olivia in in danger of becoming the new annoying character that we all love to hate.

Yes I can. Yes I can. Yes I can.

No you can’t. No You can’t. No you can’t.

Thankfully, Madame Prez is called out of the office by Bill Buchanan. He informs her that the database has been retrieved from Dubaku and that in contains the names of about a hundred corrupt individuals within the government. This is exactly what they had been working towards! President Taylor is super pleased by this news, and after being assured the FBI has already begun acting on the information, tells Bill she owes him a debt of gratitude. Bill takes the opportunity to advocate for Jack, telling her she owes Jack gratitude as well, and he believes the Senate hearings are a witch hunt and personal crusade on the part of Senator Red Forman Blaine Mayer. He asks her to please speak with the Senator on Jack’s behalf. And she tells him she’ll think about it. Bill, satisfied with this answer, leaves her in the Oval Office where she ponders the events of the day thus far.

We cut to Jack, who is relaxing on the steps of the Capitol, enjoying a glorious sunset behind the Washington Monument, and patting himself on the back for a job well done. C’mon Jack, you’ve done this 6 times before…it’s only been 10 hours, something else has to come up!

This isn’t a funny screen capture, per se…I just thought it was a gorgeous shot of the town I used to call home. I can put anything I want in these recaps, so sue me! Actually, I probably shouldn’t have said that. The whole town is crawling with lawyers. I meant…Oh, nevermind…I’m shutting up now.

Just then, Tony Almeida comes and joins Jack on the steps. Jack is a little pissed off at Tony, because he was supposed to turn himself in after everything was over. Tony tells Jack “it ain’t over yet.” Apparently, Almeida has been following up on a lead through another member of Emerson’s crew. He has excellent intelligence that another attack is imminent, this time spear-headed by General Juma! Jack wants to know why Tony doesn’t just pass this information along to the FBI and call it a day, and Tony tells him that the attack is going to occur within the hour, and the FBI, with it’s sprawling infrastructure and resources, just won’t be able to react in time. Stopping this attack on a “high value” target is a two-man operation. Almeida also tells Jack that Ryan Burnett, who happens to be Senator Mayer’s chief of staff, is involved in the planning. As Tony takes off to save the day, he places his hand on Jack’s shoulder and tells him he needs his help. If Jack is in, he should meet Tony on the corner of First and Constitution. Is Jack in for another “Saving the World” operation today? Hmmm…I wonder!?

For good times

And bad times

I’ll be on your side foever more

In a split-screen, we see Ryan Burnett working away at his desk, while Larry Moss informs his tribe about the government infiltration business. Ryan gets called into the Senator’s office, and told that President Taylor is calling him to the White House to discuss Jack Bauer. The Senator tells Ryan to grab his laptop and come along for the ride. As he prepares to leave with Senator Red Mayer, Burnett gets a text message saying “Units in Place…Operation on Schedule.” This prompts a huge “Oh Shit!” look to cross Ryan’s face, because the target is totally the White House!

Ba-Bum-Ba-Bum-Ba-Bum-Ba-Bum!

And there you have it, Gasmii! I thought this was the third strong episode in a row. I had a few issues with the bizarre lingering facial expression shots with all the moody staring off into space. But at least it gave me something to make fun of! I’m excited to see what happens. Any predictions? Other than Tony still being a bad-guy and Kanin somehow being involved (notice how he REALLY wanted Prez Taylor back at the White House?)…I don’t really know where things are going. And, you know what? I kinda dig that! I like surprises. The first third of the season was a little predictable. Let’s see what’s up next!

“I thought your recap was dreadful! A lot of the musical references were forced, and I think you are a wanker!”