24: Dr. Quinn, Bad Medicine Man!

  

Greetings Gasmii! This week, ’24′ has the remedy for whatever ails you. Bored? Well, how about a bunch of shit blowing up and people getting shot left and right? Confused? Maybe a little back-story tonic and future relationship foreshadowing will do the trick? Tired of the Sangala plot line? Well how about an in-depth look at the new Big Baddies?

Whatever your ailment…Dr. Quinn is here to make it better. Let her check you out…after the jump!

It’s 8PM in Vice President Hayworth’s bunker, where he and his gang are watching news footage about the hostage situation in the White House. Little piggy aide David tells the VP that Bid Daddy Larry Moss is still requesting authorization for a tactical strike to re-take the White House. Ass-Coverer Hayworth, however, is still not hearing it. He needs confirmation that Madame Prez is either safely in lock-down or in the hands of Juma before he makes his decision.

Back in the White House, Ma’ Taylor and Lil’ Olivia seem to have finally made peace while crouching in a corner cowering from the terrorists. There’s nothing like impending doom to bring a lost little lamb back into the fold, eh? We get a little of the back-story (finally!), and it turns out that Olivia turned her back on her Mother after being fired from the Presidential Campaign. Olivia admits to her Mother that it was silly and stupid of her to have reacted like a spoiled little bitch, and Ma Taylor tells her she forgave her a long time ago. She also whispers in Livvy’s ear that they are going to survive this mess, but she needs to be ready and keep her eyes open. Madame Prez must have whispered a few other family secrets after the audio cut out, because Olivia’s reaction to hearing they are about to be rescued is stunned terror. What’s up with that? As they hug and cry together, one of Juma’s men comes to take Prez Taylor away.

Over in the main hostage huddle, Jack lets Bill in on a little plan he has to save the President. Apparently, the safe room had five canisters of CH-4, which Jack opened before they exited. The lock-down room is currently filling with natural gas and becoming one big Kaboom waiting to happen! All he needs to do is act like a crazy man, run towards the room, and draw the terrorists’ fire, which should set the whole thing off and take out most of Juma’s men! Easy Peasy! Bill notes that it sounds like a suicide play, and Jack flips through his little note-pad with over-used ‘Jack-isms’ for a response and settles on “we don’t have a choice!” Bauer also tells Bill that Madame Prez is aware of the plan and will be ready for Bill to swoop in and save her after the explosion.

Semator Pansy-Pants-Dick-Head Mayer buts in and wants to know what the super secret plan is. Bill tells him he’ll find out when the rest of the viewing public does, but this isn’t enough for Dick-Head! He wants to know now. Jack turns to Pansy-Pants and awesomely says “Senator, Shut Up!”

On the other side of the foyer, General Candyman Juma is handing some prepared remarks that he worked up with his little speech writer, in which the Prez will admit to the “atrocities” committed by the Americans against Sangala today. Madame Prez knows the way this game is played, and tells Juma she’ll read the statement as long as he releases all the other hostages. After all, he got the President and isn’t that what he wants? Juma agrees to release “one” hostage as a sign of good faith. Juma selects one poor schmuck from the mass, brings him over to the President’s sight line, and shoots him in the head! Ouch!

Juma walks back over to Taylor, and sweetly asks if she wants him to “release” anymore hostages? She looks him in the eye and calls him a “Sonuvabitch!” He tells her to read the statement or he’ll kill every other hostage, starting with her daughter. She has no choice to agree.

One of Juma’s men informs him the “uplink” is ready, and Prez Taylor shoots a look over at Jack, who shakes his head at her, probably as a way to warn her that the “Kaboom-y” stuff is not quite Kaboom-y enough yet. With no other option, Prez Taylor starts to read the statement. Standing in front of a Sangalese flag, she tells the “world” via YouTube, or something, that the invasion of Sangala, which she ordered 6 hours ago, was an illegal/criminal act without provocation, meant to increase American influence around the world.

In his little VP bunker, Hayworth flips out! He wants the video feed shut down immediately. Apparently, he underestimates the intelligence of the web surfing community, which is likely also aware that the White House has been overtaken by Sangalese forces and that the President is giving this statement under duress. Piglet David explains the futility of trying to contain or shut down a viral video once it’s out there. The production values of this little speech are light-years better than “The Bauer Report” that ran on TVGasm a few weeks back. In short: People actually want to watch this video! There’s no stopping it.

Anyhoo, their little debate is inturrupted by Big Daddy Boss Moss and his number 1 Zombie Spice Walker via satellite phone from their van. Moss wants to know if the VP has checked out the YouTube clip yet and if it changed his mind about forcefully re-taking the White House. The VP is still being a Pansy-Pants, so Moss let’s him in on his theory that Juma intends to humiliate the President and then stage a public execution! VP is all “How can you be sure?” Maybe they just want to be left alone and have demands? Larry flashes his first “frustration with superiors” look of the season which is weird for two reasons. 1) He licks his lips and 2) He’s usually the nay-saying Pansy-Pants, Dammit!

Renee pipes in, and tells the VP they have a two-pronged plan in place, but time is of the essence…they need to initiate NOW! Scumbag VP, of course, says no. He’s still hung up on the “not authorizing any action that results in the death of Madame Prez” thing. He tells them to keep trying to get Juma on the horn, and he’ll keep the channels of communication open.

In the White House, Jack warns Bill to “be ready”. But Bill has another idea. He tells Jack about that satellite phone call Juma made to Jonas Hodges at the end of the last episode, and how Juma DEFINITELY had real-time intel and help/a man on the outside (ya think?) In other words, taking out Juma and his crew does not guarantee the threat to the President is over, and Jack is the only man ALIVE that can get to the bottom of all this. Before Jack can protest/figure out what the hell Bill is saying, Buchanan takes off! He runs to the entrance of the safe room, tackles one of the men, and fires a shot over his head that sets off the explosion. KABOOM!

In the FBI van, Moss tells Hayworth about the explosion. Hayworth is all: “an explosion?” Moss is like, “Yessir, and we’re going in now under my authority! Smell ya later!” As Renee and Larry run off to be heros, Hayworth protests over the video feed to nobody in particular. “No…don’t do it! I didn’t authorize this!” Blah Blah. Shut up Hayworth!

While the Feds storm the White House, Jack is holding things down in Hostage Central. In between gunning down bad guys, he tells the wounded Aaron Pierce to go save the President. Pierce grabs an automatic weapon from one of the terrorists and escorts the Prez and First Daughter out of the line of fire, while Jack and the Feds take out more and more members of Juma’s crew.

Across the room, a wounded Juma tells his man Ngozi to kill all the hostages and says “The President is Mine!” As Ngozi enters the room. Dick-Head Pansy-Pants Senator Mayer is useful for the first time when he scream “No!” like a little girl. Jack, hearing the disruption, takes Ngozi out and then heads over towards Juma, gun drawn. Jack barks “Don’t Move! Don’t.You.Move!” What does Juma do? Why he reaches for his gun, giving Jack the green light to pump him full of hot lead. Sayonara Generale! The African crew is no more, and we’re on to white bad guys now!

While the Feds continue to sweep into the Hallway and secure the White House and President, Jack notices Bill lying prone in the entrance to the safe room. As Jack walks towards Bill, Larry and Renee sweep into the White House to take control and make sure the President is safe. Renee notices Jack, who slumps to the ground next to his dead buddy and fights back tears. Renee looks at Jack sadly, Larry barks for her to keep moving, Jack continues to fight back tears, hostages are escorted to safely, and we get a truly gruesome image of Bill’s corpse as we cut to break with a silent clock! Bye Bye Bill!

When we return, President Taylor is moodily staring off into space while some storm-trooper dude comes in to update her. I’m not sure what agency he’s with, but he has a giant american flag decal on his shirt, so he’s the Captain of Team America (F*ck, Yeah!) Captain America tells the Prez they are still making sure the building is secure, but once they know it is, she and Olivia will be transported to Andrews AirForce Base in order to ensure their safety. Lady Ballz Prez is having none of that! She tells Captain America she’s staying put! The American People need to know that their Prez is in the White House. So can he be a good boy and make it happen/keep her safe there? She dismisses Captain America, telling him she wants to speak personally to the families of all the victims, and also wants an update on First Hubby.

When he leaves, Olivia comes over. They smile at each other and Madame Prez asks how Agent Pierce is doing. Olivia says fine, and Ma Taylor asks “What about you?” Olivia is doing OK, all things considered, but is pretty damn shaken by the experience. Madame Prez offers some stoic words and reminds her that they have a lot of “brave” people to be thankful to. A random dude comes in to let the Prez know they have VP ScumBag on the horn, and before she heads off to take the call she asks Olivia if she meant what she said about putting the past behind them. Olivia says yes, and the Prez says “I don’t ever want to lose you again.” Olivia says “You won’t” as the Prez takes off to talk to the VP. In a completely odd change of tone, Olivia and Aaron make eye contact across the room and kinda wink at each other.

Jack is still pining away over Bill’s dead body, when Renee comes up to let him know the President is safe and offer her condolences. Jack tells her how the original plan had him taking the CH-4 bullet and Bill saving the day, and Renee tells him Bill died a hero…protecting his country. Jack finally gets up off the ground and tells her “This isn’t over yet!”

With Renee in tow, Jack heads over to Bid Daddy Larry and fills him in on Bill’s intel about Juma not working alone. Larry, ever the skeptic, asks Jack if he’s sure. Jack is all: “Damn Straight!” He tells Larry they need to interrogate Ryan Burnett again. It’s their only lead. Larry offers to do it himself, and Jack is all “Bitch, Please!” He tells Larry the President offered Burnett immunity and he turned it down, so he’s their only shot. Larry is all “What ya gonna do? Torture him again?” Jack is all “Bitch, Please again!” Jack doesn’t need to touch him, just scare the bejeesus into him. Larry thinks it all sounds fine and dandy, but is operating under outdated orders, and has Jack placed in custody!

Renee steps in and tells Larry that she thinks he ought to listen to Jack. Larry, still totally jelly-jealous, asks when she’ll stop defending Bauer and then blows her off and walks away. Renee, not liking that answer, approaches Captain America, who’s name is given as Agent Reynolds. She tells the good captain she needs to speak with the Prez. He tells her the Prez is secure, and she’ll have to go through Ethan Kanin, who conveniently just arrived after missing out on the whole attack thing.

We cut to Kanin, walking through the halls of the White House with an agent while the lights come back on! They discuss attack stuff, and then Zombie Spice Renee intercepts him in the hall and tells him she needs to talk to him and it’s super duper urgent! He gives her a moment, and she tells him about the sat phone/Juma getting help thing…yada yada. Kanin looks into space intensely.

We cut to Starkwood (a thinly veiled BlackWather reference?) Headquarters where Hodges is still hanging out in his awesome office, watching the news, and smelling his fingers again. His man Greg Seaton comes to the office (Hodges sees him on a super secure video screen), and updates him on the whole “President: alive, Evil General:dead” business. Hodges asks what happened, but Seaton doesn’t have an answer. Hodges says: “Well, you’ve gotta admire the damn bitch. She doesn’t give up easily.” Haha. Greg starts fumbling and apologizing for the screw up, saying they didn’t have enough control over the situation. Hodges tells him to take a Relax-i Cab to Chilltown and have a drink. While Greg pours said drinky, Hodges notes that the shipment of weapons is still on the way, so everything is going as planned as far as he’s concerned. He leaves it with “Get Chapman on the phone, I want to nail down some targets.” And we cut to break!

When we return, Larry is about to have Jack shipped off to FBI HQ, when he gets a call from Ethan Kanin. Kanin tells him: About the whole arresting Jack thing, let’s put that on hold! He elaborates that Walker told him about the plot, and Larry looks super duper pissed! Kanin goes on that he thinks it’s a good idea if Bauer interrogates Burnett. Larry tries to fight him using the “he almost killed him last time!” argument. But Kanin is not deterred. He tells Larry it’ll be a “controlled” interrogation and it will proceed under his authority. Larry protests again, calling Jack a “wild card”! Oooh, good one Larry, Burn! Kanin finishes it all by acknowledging the risk and telling Larry it’s under his authority and not the President’s. Her hands will be clean if something goes wrong (read: something will go wrong!) Anyhoo…Larry protests again and Kanin shuts him up, telling him it’s a direct order. Larry, always the rule follower, has no choice but to make a grumbly growly face and agree to it all.

Meanwhile, the Prez is meeting with an underling named Patrick and giving him orders regarding contacting the families of victims and meeting with her speech writer to start drafting a message to the public. Patrick is taking it all down, but looks like he wants to cry! The Prez asks if he’s OK, and he says he will be…but focusing on work will help in the short term. Her mouth says “I understand” but her expression says “You are such.a.p*ssy!”

Luckily, they are interrupted by Kanin. The Prez and Kanin greet each other warmly with a hug and intense look into each other’s eyes, which made me wonder if there was something going on there. After exchanging a few lines about how “being attacked and taken hostage totally sucks”, the Prez gets down to business. In short: They lost a lot of good personnel tonight. Also, she and her daughter are besties again, so she wants to bring her into the administration as a “special advisor.” Nepotism rocks! Kanin does his usual job of shitting all over the President’s ideas. While he understands that the emotional thing is strong after the attack, he reminds her that Olivia is a “political liability”. Apparently, Lil’ Olivia is kind of a bad ass and purposely leaked damaging information about the President’s opponent during the Presidential campaign, which is what got her fired. There’s some back and forth, with the Prez defending her daughter and how she’s “changed” and Kanin telling her it’s a mistake. The Prez finally says out loud what she’s been doing in action for the entire season. She barks “I don’t care what you think!” Kanin looks like a sad puppy. Anyhoo, the Prez tells him she didn’t really mean that, but she is dead set on Olivia joining the administration, so it’s important to her that Kanin make peace with her, and he can start by delivering the “good news.” He has no choice but to agree. On the way out, Prez Taylor asks what was up w/ that Agent Walker business, and he lies to her that it was “procedural” stuff and he took care of it.

Outside, a chopper arrives and Jack is placed in it to go torture interrogate Burnett. Jack and Larry totally have a stare-down/eye-f*ck moment.

Renee comes running up to Larry sporting the hugest guilty look ever and says “You wanted to speak with me?” Haha. Larry rips into her for going behind his back, and she defends her actions saying he “didn’t give her a choice!” Larry, of course, responds that she could have chosen to follow orders. Renee, who has totally been baptized into the church of Bauer by this point, tells Larry she’s seen Jack do some CRAZY shit, some of which she can’t condone…but that he’s always right! Duh! Larry needs to check out those Season 1 through 6 DVDs, as well. Walker tells Larry that she’s sorry for going over his head, but wait’ll he sees the results! He tells her she’s nuts and they are totally breaking up! He orders her back to FBI and tells her to clean out her office! She’s suspended indefinitely. What?! She protests, of course, telling him “this isn’t over” and he’s going to need her! What Larry needs is someone he can trust (read: not her) and a new Girlfriend, STAT! Conversation over. Jack, overhearing the whole thing from his chopper kinda rolls his eyes at Larry’s lame-ness.

Larry jumps in the chopper with Jack and, as they fly away, starts venting his frustration. He tells Jack he’s going to keep a watchful eye and short leash on this interrogation. Jack tells Larry he should lay off Renee because she was just doing what she thought was right. Larry tells him she might lose her job over this, and Jack reminds him she’s the best agent he’s got! Larry says he can’t let her go unpunished for circumventing his authority. He further vents that he’s known her for nine years and has never seen her do the kind of tricks she’s done in the last nine hours. Jack kinda gives him a knowing/exasperated look as we cut to break.

When we return, Hodges is getting an update from some dude (Chapman?), who informs him they’ve narrowed down their search for targets to 12 surrounding the “base”. In each target zone, there are approximately 10-15,000 people and the kill ratio will be 80%! Hodges says “let’s hope we don’t have to find out”, which means he’s probably on some kind of black-mail play. I’m sure that’ll turn out great! Anyhoo, he tells his man to get the info down to his tac-ops people and start gettin’ ready.

Greg Seaton comes in and tells Hodges that he just got word Bauer is on his way to Kennedy Hospital to interrogate Burnett! Hodges is surprised, since Bauer was under arrest and all. He kvetches that Burnett is going to spill everything and ruin their dastardly plans! Seaton tells him not to fret, he already sent someone to take care of Burnett, and this person can take care of Bauer too. Hodges asks who he sent, and he says “Quinn”. Hodges response: “Oh, Quinn’s good. Bauer’s good too.” Haha…I kinda like Hodges.

Meanwhile, Jack and Larry have already arrived at the hospital and are being briefed by some nameless Agent. He tells them it’s going to take a few minutes because Burnett needs to be revived. The doctors had to sedate him because he was such a wreck when he showed up. On cue, the doctor shows up and gives them a hard time for “brutalizing” his patient and says he won’t let it happen again. Jack gives him a “Bitch, Please!” look and tells him about the whole complicit in a terrorist attack stuff. Pansy Pants Doctor!

Before Jack can really go off on the Doc, Larry steps in and tells him it’ll be a controlled interrogation, and they won’t harm Burnett. The Doc kinda purses his lips and then takes off to administer the “Wakey Wakey Eggs and Bakey” drugs that’ll bring Burnett back.

We cut to somewhere else in the hospital, where a mean looking dude in scrubs is strolling intensely with some kind of backpack. This must be Dr. Quinn!

Dr. Quinn enters a random room and starts talking to the Werther’s Man, Robert. He asks a bunch of questions that seem benign such as “Do you have a wife/children/grandchildren”. The poor sap, not realizing he’s dealing with some kind of weird sociopath that only kills lonely people, tells him there won’t be anyone to mourn his passing, so Dr. Quinn totally suffocates him with a pillow! While the poor lonely old dude flatlines, the nurses rush into the room and leave their station unattended, giving Dr. Quinn a chance to download the security schematics of the hospital onto his handy-dandy PDA! Once he has Burnett’s location down, he enters a storage room, and climbs into the ceiling crawl space. These ’24′ Villains sure love crawl spaces!

“Where’s my butterscotch puddin’?”

Back at the White House, Olivia strolls in to check on Aaron. She’s had a definite attitude twist and is not acting at all like the spoiled bitch she has been thus far. In fact, she’s totally sweet! That combined with Aaron’s toplessness (Dude! Wax your shoulders!) gave the following scene an oddly flirtatious tone, that I found unsettling. She asks how he is, he asks how she is. They say “fine” and smile. She thanks him for saving her life, and he tells her no thanks required…just doing my job! She reminds him it’s not really his job anymore, since he retired, and asked if his retirement had anything to do with Martha Logan. He tells her he was close with Martha, but resists her attempts to pry further by telling her he doesn’t want to talk about it. (Stupid Olivia! Never bring up the exes on the first date!) At any rate, she apologizes, and he tells her she doesn’t have to. She tells him not to be a stranger, and calls him Agent Pierce. He tells her to call him Aaron. They smile at each other and she leaves. Aaron’s totally gonna score with the younger chick! Go Aaron!

On her way out of the room, Olivia is intercepted by Kanin who wants to have that little chat he was ordered to have with her. They sit down and he bluntly tells her that the administration has suffered many losses and they want to bring her in as a special advisor. Olivia is surprised…not that she’s being asked, but that Kanin agreed to it. He tells her that, liker her mother, he’s ready to put the past behind them. This prompts a sincere apology from Olivia for “overstepping her bounds” during the campaign fiasco. Kanin is glad she sees it that way, and is about to leave, when she stops him and goes into full-on bitch mode! She doesn’t care about the past, she wants to talk about how Kanin and her mother’s administration have failed her terribly with the whole corruption/terrorist attack thing! She basically blames Kanin for everything, and tells him she’s surprised he hasn’t tendered his resignation yet. Kanin, of course, bristles at this…telling her she has no right to speak to him that way! He calls her out on being a pissy bitch and tells her she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, nor have facts. Bitchy Olivia: Doesn’t care so much. She tells him it’s going to be her mission to find out who failed her mother and make them pay. As she storms away, Kanin looks exasperated. This must be that “political liability” stuff he was talking about earlier.

When we return, it’s interrogation time at the hospital! As Jack heads to Ryan’s room, Larry stops him with a firm hand to the chest. Party Pooper Larry tells Jack he’ll be watching and if he lays “one finger” on Burnett, it’s all over. Jack looks down at the five fingers Larry is laying on him, which shames Larry into pulling his hand away as Jacks says “right” sarcastically. haha.

In Burnett’s room, the Doc informs Jack that he’s coming around and head out. Jack closes the door, while the Feds gather around monitors to watch. Jack kinda hovers over Ryan and tells him to wake up. He asks “remember me?” and Ryan freaks out! He wants to know what Jack is doing there! Jack tells him that the attack on the White House failed, the President is safe, but a lot of good people died…including his good friend Bill Buchanan. Ryan tells Jack to stay away from him, demands a lawyer, and is his usual Pansy-Pants self. Jack hilariously starts taking off his tie, wrapping it around his hand ominously, and tells Ryan everyone is done talking…that’s why they sent him. Ryan’s response: “I’ll tell you everything!”

Above the room, in the crawl space, Dr. Quinn Bad Medicine Man cuts out the audio feed and the Feds freak out mildly and wonder what’s up. He hacks the video feed as well, and drops a little metal pellet into the room with some kind of nerve gas! Jack and Ryan both convulse and Jack drops to the floor, foaming at the mouth and paralyzed!

Quinn drops into the room with a gas mask on. He jams the door lock with an oxygen tank, and busts a piece of glass while the Feds watch an incorrect audio-less loop! He gets Jack’s prints on the glass, and then totally slits Ryan’s throat with it and jams it into his chest!

He wipes the foam off Ryan’s mouth with a towel and walks away from the bed and climbs back into the ceiling just as the live feed comes back. Ryan’s monitor flatlines and the Feds see him lying in bed stabbed and dead dead dead! As they race to the room, Jack awakes from his temporary paralysis and realizes what’s going on!

Rather than deal with Larry and the other Feds directly, Jack decides to run for it and climbs into the ceiling crawl space that Dr. Quinn escaped to moments ago.

In split screen, we see Renee packing her desk, the Prez and Olivia brooding, and Jack escaping while Larry kicks at the door! Larry and the Feds finally bust into the room and see Burnett’s corpse. Larry calls in a “high priority APB” on Bauer…all agencies! No Recalls! No Take-Backs!

As Quinn casually strolls through the parking lot outside, we see Jack creep behind a security guard. He knocks the poor dude out, sending him to nappy land, and totally steals a security DVD and iPhone!

At Starkwood, Seaton gets the call from Quinn that “it’s done.” He lets Hodges know the good news that Burnett is dead and Bauer has been framed for it. Hodges says “Good. Now we’re having some fun!” Still loving Hodges!

In the hospital, Larry gets a call from Jack (using the stolen iPhone). Jack tells him the likely story about the scary man coming down through the celing after neutralizing him with gas and doing the deed/framing him. Larry tells him to “come in” so they can “talk” about it. Yeah, right! Jack tells Larry he can’t do that, and the bad guys want the Feds distracted with Bauer so they can go about their nefarious business. As Jack hangs up on him, Larry growls “damn it!” and gives his best angry face. Meanwhile, Jack runs off into the night to solve everything on his own.

Ba-Bum-Ba-Bum-Ba-Bum-Ba-Bum!

Wow! Another really crazy/action-packed episode. It’s getting hard to recap every week because it’s just.so.damn.action.packed! We’re finally off the Sangala stuff, and onto the Big Bad Private Security Firm threat thing that has been teased since ’24′ Redemption. What do you guys think that group is up to? Some kind of privately funded coup to install Ass-Coverer Hayworth in the Oval Office? Only time will tell! Until next week…