Hey First Hubby! Kim Bauer called and she wants her ‘Imperiled Loved One’ shtick back!
Greetings Gasmii! The ’24′ buffet has offered up some mixed dishes so far this season, but things get tasty and action-packed this week! It’s smorgasbord of reunions, rescues, and a new mission for Bauer. And if that doesn’t sate your appetite…how about a severed finger for dessert?
Join me as I recap it all…after the jump!
It’s 3PM in DC and we open our episode in the alley behind the Korean Grocery across from Dubaku’s place. Renegade Secret Service agent Vossler delivers First Hubby (via the trunk of his car) to one of Dubaku’s henchmen. That Dubaku has henchmen all over the city! I find myself confused that he can afford to put all these dudes on his payroll, but still can’t afford decent transportation. Last week he took the metro and a bus, this week he’s on a stroll through the city at a leisurely pace. Everyone has known for hours that he is behind the attacks. Why isn’t there some kind of APB out on him and his picture plastered all over the place? I’m just sayin’!
“Mmmm…that Chai Latte was deee-licious! I wonder if I have time for a shoe shine before I go back to killing, maiming, and torturing people?”
Dubaku stops in front of a street meat vendor for a hot dog, but is distracted by a television set the vendor has in his cart. That’s another “What The F*ck!” moment this week…when’s the last time anyone saw a street vendor with a TV for their customers? At any rate, the set is playing a news conference starring President Taylor. She is informing the nation that the attack on the airlines and plant in Ohio were indeed acts of terrorism, but that the parties responsible are no longer a threat to America. She goes on to state that the order has been given to take down the Juma regime and reinstate the government of Prime Minister Ule Matobo. Before she can think to flash a picture of “the parties responsible” on the ol’ tube, Dubaku walks away from the stand and moseys on over to the Grocery store. He enters without a word to the owner and trots down to the basement of the grocery store, which has a sweet rec-room set up where four of his henchmen are casually watching a soccer match and drinking beer. Who knew international terrorism was such a chill profession?! It seems a lot like blogging!
Yo! Lady in the Beret! Turn around! That evil dude the President is talking about is standing right behind you!
In the back room of the basement, Vossler is keeping an eye on the bound and gagged First Hubby. Dubaku tells him he did a great job, and Vossler mentions he has a shift starting at 4pm and needs to leave. Dubaku lets him go, and mentions his money will be wired to the “usual account” which suggests Vossler has been on the payroll for a while. Now there is officially no excuse for Vossler’s horrendous haircut. Seriously. Super-Cuts is only $25 bucks!
Dubaku informs First Hubby that the room is sound-proof and that screaming for help will be futile, before ordering a henchman named Elimu to remove the gag. No sooner is First Hubby unmuzzled than he says “You Sonuvabitch! You were behind my son’s death!” I love it when dignified people like the President or First Gentleman get so worked up they have to say “Sonuvabitch!”…it makes me feel better about my own potty mouth. Dubaku takes credit for Roger’s death, and justifies it with “he was sticking his nose where it didn’t belong.” First Hubby, who must not realize how inept law enforcement has been all season, tells Dubaku that the good guys will be coming to save him any minute! Dubaku, who has been roaming our Nation’s Capital freely all day and is therefore unafraid of said “good guys”, tells him he should be concerned only with whether or not his wife loves him enough to call off the Sangalan intervention. He tells his Baddie Elimu to activate the “scrambling device” which I assume is for a phone call and not to prepare an omelette for their guest.
“Are you serious!? I’ve never heard of mayonnaise in a Western Omelette before.”
Back at the White House, President Taylor is wrapping up her statement. She assures the American people that the responsible parties will be brought to justice and reminds everyone to keep the victims in their prayers. In split screen we see Matobo, Bauer, Zombie Spice Renee, and Bill Buchanan being led through a secret underground passage into the White House. No sooner has Madame Prez stepped off the podium, than Ethan Kanin informs her that the A-Team gang has arrived. She immediately wants to know who these people are that rescued Matobo, destroyed the CIP device, and just plain did her job for her. Kanin informs her it was Bill Buchanan, Renee Walker, and Jack Bauer. The name Jack Bauer, of course rings alarms in the Prez’s head since he was one of the parties responsible for kidnapping Matobo in the first place. She says “it doesn’t make sense.” Obviously, she was very busy on Senate business for the last few years and never got around to watching seasons 1 through 6 on DVD. But couldn’t the last few Presidents have left her a little memo or something? I’m thinking something along the lines of: “Jack Bauer is the man! He will solve any problem you have. He is always right! The dude rules!” Anyway…she trusts Matobo, and he asked her to listen to what they have to say, so she agrees to let the little renegade gang into the Oval Office.
For the love of God, will someone please put this on President Taylor’s Amazon.com WishList?!
The Prez greets Matobo warmly, calling him by his first name Ule and kissing him on both cheeks. She tells him she’s oh-so-happy he is OK, but also sorry that he was subjected to such an awful ordeal on American soil. Saint Matobo tells her his primary concern is for Sangala and not his own safety and wants to know what the status of the invasion is. When informed the attack is underway, Matobo thanks her with all of his heart and tells her Sangala owes her a debt of gratitude. He also vouches for Bauer and Company, telling Madame Prez America owes them a debt of gratitude as well. She’s still skeptical, of course, but Matobo tells her “none of this is as it seems” and that they have come to explain themselves. He excuses himself to meet with his people about the post-invasion plans.
No sooner is Matobo out of the office, than President Taylor’s Happy Face is replaced by a stern headmistress face. She takes a seat and tells the gang she wants an to know “What the hell is going on?!” Jack steps forward and tells her all about how Buchanan “discovered” 6 weeks ago that key members of the government/administration were working with Juma and Dubaku to undermine American foreign policy (read: HER foreign policy). She asks if they realize that is an “outrageous” accusation, and Jack says “Yes Ma’am, but unfortunately it’s the truth.” He explains it’s also why all of her attempts to stop Dubaku in the last seven hours have failed. She gives Jack lots of stern looks, and then turns her attention to Bill, wanting to know why he didn’t come to her sooner. He gives her the old “I didn’t know who I could trust, so I chose to form my own rogue team to go undercover/infiltrate Dubaku’s crew and bring him down” excuse. Duh! He lets slip that Almeida is involved, and she calls Shenanigans. After all, Almeida is the one who put the device in Dubaku’s hands. Bill tells her that giving the sociopath international terrorist the means to inflict great harm on America was necessary to the undercover operation. Madame Prez reminds them that their actions resulted in hundreds of deaths on the airlines, which prompts Zombie Spice Renee to pipe in and tell her that she was part of the FBI detail tasked with recovering the advice and everything the men are telling her are true. She goes on to state that, in her opinion, the loss of life was tragic but it also resulted in saving thousands of other lives. Despite being skeptical of Bauer and Buchanan, the Prez takes Renee’s excuse making to heart, possibly because they are both members of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Vaginas, and asks “Where they go from here.” Bauer pipes in again and tells her that they have to find Dubaku in order to figure out who he’s working with in the government. Also, they have to continue doing it on the down-low and can’t involve the FBI or Homeland, as they are both compromised.
Nothing beats a great pair of L’eggs!
Just then, a secret service agent comes into the office and informs the Prez she has an urgent phone call, which she takes on Speaker Phone. The voice on the other end informs her that have a call from Ike Dubaku and he wants to speak with her about her husband. She is instantly concerned and the call is put through. Dubaku cuts straight to the chase and tells her that he has her husband, putting the phone to Henry’s mouth for confirmation. He tells her he is fine and not to let the terrorists use him as a deterrent in any way. He should’ve mentioned something about rogue agent Vossler, who still works for the Secret Service, but whatevs. Dubaku snatches the phone away and gives the President his terms. The American forces must be withdrawn immediately and permanently from Sangala and Matobo must be delivered to his men at the parking lot of a power plant by 4pm. (Don’t you just love how all of these deadlines fall at the end of the hour, providing for excellent cliff hangers?) He tells her that if any attempt is made to impede him or follow his men, her husband will die a slow and certain death. Her response: “You wouldn’t dare!” Matobo’s response (to his men) “cut off his finger.” As the President and Oval Office Gang listen in horror, a henchman grabs a knife from a meat/cheese platter conveniently sitting on the table and carries out the order. Henry cries out in agony, in part because his finger is being cut off, and also because it’s totally unsanitary to use a lunch knife for surgical procedures! Gross! President Taylor screams “Stop it!” Matobo tells her to meet his demands, or Henry will be delivered to her one piece at a time….with bologna and ham residue. Dubaku elaborates that any attempt to rescue Henry will be “known to him” quickly, so she should probably just start fulfilling his order now, mm’kay?
I guess First Hubby should just be grateful they weren’t using that knife to spread Salmonella Peanut Butter, eh?
No sooner has Dubaku hung up, than Kanin informs her he just got word from Henry’s last known location. They discovered the bodies of Samantha Roth, Agent Gedge, and the neuro-paralytic tranquilizer stuff. In short: Bauer and Co.’s story of corruption is confirmed. “Slimeball Surrender Dude” Kanin tells her, once again, that nobody will blame her for wanting to withdraw. She quickly puts Kanin in his place, reminding him of the approximately 300 Americans that died in the plane collision. She would be a hypocrite to cave when Henry’s life was endangered. She asks him “How can I ask the American people to make sacrifices I am unwilling to make myself?” Good point, Madame Prez! Once again, she’s proving to be a terrific example that calm, cool, collected professional women can also sport a pair of giant brass balls. It was the second best example of the old saying “appearances can be deceiving” that I came across this week.
Jack steps in to tell her that, even though she can’t trust her own law enforcement agencies, she can trust Agent Walker (who is supposedly dead) and himself because he no longer works for the government. She looks frazzled, but has the presence of mind to ask how she can possibly know where Bauer’s loyalties lie. Jack is totally surprised she never got that “Bauer is a Good Guy!” memo, so his response: “With all due respect, ask around.” He goes on to say that they will do everything in their power to find Henry. Meanwhile, she needs to go along with Dubaku’s orders. She finally agrees, and tells Jack “Find him please” in a soft voice.
Epic Wink Fail
Kanin escorts Jack and Renee to a secure office where they can start their sleuthing. Jack asks him for the Secret Service detail information on the First Hubby, and then tells Renee they will start by analyzing Gedge’s phone records. No sooner has he finished his sentence than some dude comes in and delivers the Gedge file. I choose not to be a cynic about the timing. Instead, I believe a female President has brought incredible efficiency to the White House. Renee mentions that the phone logs of Secret Service agents are highly classified information, and wants to know if Chloe can get to them. Jack tells her it’ll be a hell of a lot faster if they use someone that actually has security clearance, and she offers up her boyfriend boss Larry Moss. Jack is skeptical. Ol’ By-The-Books Larry isn’t exactly a “color outside the lines” kinda guy. Renee tells Jack she can probably persuade him to do just about whatever they need, and she trusts him because she knows him “pretty” well. And by “pretty” well, she most likely means she knows the key to Larry’s heart, and it lies behind the zipper of his trousers. Jack tells her to go ahead and try.
At FBI HQ, we see Larry pouring himself a cup of coffee. I would have recommended a soothing herbal tea for his anxiety/anger issues, but to each their own. He picks up his phone and Renee says “Larry, it’s Renee. I’m alive but you can’t let anyone know!” Haha. He has a weird look on his face. It’s one part relief, one part confusion, one part instant boner from hearing her voice. Both his relief and boner are short lived, however, when she tells him she’s working with Bauer and needs him to pull up Gedge’s phone records. Larry flips his shit, gets insanely jealous, and bangs his head against the wall.
That’s one way to get rid of a boner, Larry…but I find cold water works just is well and is a little less painful. Just sayin’!
She informs him of the secret mission, compromised Bureau, cloak and dagger stuff, and the whole “threat to First Hubby” thing. He agrees to help them out on one condition, he wants to see her first. (Stop obsessing Larry! It’s unbecoming a Boss!) She tries to protest, mentioning that they don’t have time, but he tells her it’s not negotiable. If they want his help, she has to meet him at the Capitol reflecting pool ASAP. We are treated to a split screen of Larry literally running to see his Lil’ Zombie honey bunch and Renee informing Jack they have to go.
Five minutes later, Agent D-Bag is watching a news report. In one of my earlier recaps, I thought the news anchor was Thomas Roberts. It is, in fact, Brian Bolter (a local Fox anchor is DC). Sorry Brian! Anyhoo, Ol’ B.B. is stating that the terrorists are no longer a threat and Matobo will be reinstated. This is, of course, news to the FBI. D-Bag is watching with his arms crossed and a stern look. Agent Erika DeadSlut comes sauntering up and wants to know what’s wrong. She literally follows him to his desk like a lovesick puppy. Sean is having a hard time with everything happening while the FBI is completely in the dark. Erika DeadSlut wants to change the topic and know if they are going to “see” each other later. And by “see”, she of course means play with his Lil’ Agent Dillinger. She’s obsessed! D-Bag is a total D-Bag…blowing her off and being cold. He tells her he has some things to work out, and when prompted for clarification, mentions he hasn’t seen his wife in a week. She calls him out on being distant, and he dismisses her…telling her he needs to get back to work. She walks away like a sad puppy, and Janis immediately comes up with her stern face. She intuits that something is up, because she has a lot of experience with females in heat (having lived with two cats for so long). She asks Sean if he could be any more obvious, and he tries to play dumb. She tells him to hang up a sign saying “Hey World, we’re sleeping together.” Haha…good one, Janis. Sean tells her he knows it’s all stupid and wrong, and he’s planning to end it. She tells him to do it fast before Larry finds out. Moss has a strict “one inter-office romance at a time” policy, and right now it’s all about the Boss and Renee. Sean asks where Larry is, and she says that’s not the point, he needs to make sure Big Larry doesn’t find out or D-Bag will be transferred to Juneau so fast, his head will spin. For a split second, Sean thinks about being assigned to protect the Governor of Alaska and all the teenage tail that could send his way. But he quickly decides he’d rather stay in DC, so he stews and pouts.
“Does she pucker like this when you kiss her? I’m just wondering…’cause the cats don’t kiss back unless I keep my lips completely slack. Weird, isn’t it?”
At the Capitol reflecting pool, Renee and Jack approach Larry. Larry gets his boner back and looks all kinds of relieved to see Zombie Spice. They stare longingly into each other’s eyes and Larry states he never thought he’d see her again. They stare and stare and stare and Larry actually smiles for the first time today! Jack comes up to interrupt the reunion, reminding them about the “saving the world” thing and those phone records. Larry tells them that over the last three hours, Gedge had been talking repeatedly to Agent Edward Vossler. He elaborates that Vossler is ex special forces and served two years in Sangala. Bingo! They ask if he brought Vossler’s files, and Larry hands them over to Renee. Jack inquires about Vossler’s family, and Larry looks confused. Renee informs him Vossler is married to some paralegal and they have an 11 month old son. Jack decides they need to split up and try to use his family against him. The threat to the family is the only way to get an ex special forces dude to talk (Jack has experience with this: See Seasons 1 – 6!). Larry says absolutely NOT! Renee seems skeptical too. She thinks it’s crossing a line. Jack reminds her she already crossed a line with her torture of Tanner. Renee makes the distinction that Tanner was a murderer but the wife and small child are innocent. Cheney Jack sternly lectures them about trying to “follow the rules” when dealing with terrorists who have absolutely no interest in playing along. He tells them they can either phone the president and say “Hey, sorry…our conscience won’t allow us to do what’s necessary” or just do what’s necessary. Pick one! To Larry’s chagrin, Renee chooses jack’s side and heads out to find the family of Vossler. Jack starts heading for Larry’s vehicle and Larry admonishes him to “look at himself!” Larry pulls the old “You’ve lost everything you had and loved” and he won’t let Renee follow along the same path. Jack says “Are you going to give me your keys or not.” ha. Larry gets an angry face and throws his keys at Jack. Larry calls after Jack to remind him “The rules are what makes us better.” Jack’s response: “Not today” before running away.
OK, so it’s technically a “half-smile”, but I’m counting it anyway.
In the grocery basement, the Baddies continue to watch soccer while Dubaku checks news reports on Sangala. A henchman informs him he can’t stop the President’s bleeding. Dubaku’s advice: Cauterize the wound with a blowtorch, but be sure to put something in his mouth to keep the screaming to a minimum…mm’kay? Man…that Dubaku keeps upping his bad-ass quotient week to week. I really wish they’d give him a decent ride or something. The sociopath stuff loses some of it’s oomph coming from a borderline homeless immigrant. Dubaku immediately shifts gears, accepting a call from his lil’ girlfriend Marika with a smile. Holy Crap! First Larry, now Dubaku? How are we supposed to keep the bad-asses and hard-asses on the show straight if they keep showing their “softer” sides? Anyway, Marika left work to attend to one of her sister’s “episodes.” Dubaku accuses her of being manipulated by her Sis, and she tells him to “be kind.” He tells her she’s kind enough for both of them. I doubt that! He’d need Mother Theresa as a girlfriend to offset the gaping black hole where his heart should be. She asks again if he’s coming to dinner, and he tells her he can’t but leaves out that he’s busy being an international terrorist, killing people, and torturing the President’s husband. Instead, he tells her he’s busy with work. She is disappointed, and says she’ll make extra just in case he changes his. he calls her “baby” and it’s all mushy and sweet. He tells her she’s too good for him, and she says “You’re right”, they both hang up smiling.
Is it just me, or do they look like they are talking each other through extremely difficult bowel movements?
After the call, Rosa, the sister, enters the room in a wheelchair and demands to know if that was “him.” Marika tells her sister she knows she doesn’t approve, but she loves “him.” Rosa argues with her. How could she love him, she’s only known him “four months.” We also find out Dubaku pays their rent, so maybe Marika is a gold-digging ho with a heart of gold? Rosa says she doesn’t know him, doesn’t know if he is who he says he is, if he’s an importer, if he’s in the country legally….yada yada…and she is only trying to protect her baby sis. Marika says she doesn’t need protection, and Rosa says “Yes, you do!” She starts to tell her sister “This man isn’t…” but doesn’t finish. Marika heads back to work and Rosa looks down at an envelope in her lap. We don’t get a look at the envelope, so it’s unclear if it was addressed to “Colonel Ike Dubaku, International Terrorist and All Around Bad Guy”, which would explain her protectiveness.
In the Oval Office, Prez Taylor, Kanin, and Buchanan are having a pow-wow. Kanin suggests pulling the forces out a little further to sea (giving the impression they are withdrawing) and launching the attack from there…but what to do about the whole delivering Matobo to Dubaku thing? They need Matobo safe. Bill suggests using a double to buy themselves time. The Prez goes for it and gives them the go-ahead and hold an open casting call pronto!
We cut to Jack in Larry’s car. Larry calls him up to let him know he’s got Vossler on the move heading south on the beltway to pick up a dignitary at Andrew’s air-force base. They discuss needing to intercept him before he gets to the base, or they’ve lost their opportunity. Luckily, Jack (in the heart of the district) knows a shortcut. His years and years of residing in Los Angeles have made him an unrivaled expert on Washington, DC streets! With any luck, Jack’s short-cut on Connecticut Ave will get him to Vossler just in time. So convenient! Larry inquires about Renee, and Jack mentions he hasn’t heard from her yet. Larry and Jack hang up and Larry gets his concerned Papa look.
What the interior of Jack “The Human GPS” Bauer’s brain looks like…
Renee arrives at a cute little house with a white picket fence and red door in the suburbs and knocks on the door. A nice lady holding an adorable little baby boy opens the door and asks “Can I help you?” Renee flashes her gun/holster and barges in. Mrs. Vossler asks “Who are you?” and Renee responds “Shut up, do as I tell you, and there’s a chance you’ll live through this” all while giving her meanest meany look possible! And we cut to break!
Five minutes later, Vossler’s little brat is wailing in his playpen. When Mrs. V attempts to comfort him, Renee pulls her gun and tells her not to move, or she’ll shoot her where she stands! Zombie Spice has totally gone over to the dark side! Mrs. V. can’t believe Renee would kill her for trying to comfort her baby, and wants to know “what kind of person” she is! Renee tells her to sit down and shut up, and maybe she should ask her husband about all of this. Mrs. V. insists Edward is a “good man,” and Renee tells her she must not know her husband as well as she thinks! As the kid continues to wail and scream in the other room, Renee forces Mrs. V. to handcuff herself to the coffee table. That doesn’t seem all that secure to me. Couldn’t the woman just lift up the table and slip the cuff off the leg? It’s not like coffee tables weigh thousands of pounds, right? Nevertheless, it seems to do the trick and Mrs. Vossler is now stuck in the living room while her kid screams. Somebody put a binkie in that brats mouth! I’m getting a headache.
Awww…Don’t feel bad, buddy! The ‘Yo Gabba Gabba’ dude terrifies me, too!
Jack and Larry are still tracking the screaming brat’s Dad, who is nearing the base. Jack is in hot pursuit, but running out of time, so he takes a shortcut down Baxter Ave, which is One-way! That’s dangerous Jack! As Larry counts down the 15 seconds before Vossler pulls onto the base, we see Jack swerving like a maniac through oncoming traffic. Just as time is going to run out, Jack catches Vossler and rams his car off the road (but not before Vossler gets to give an “Oh Shit!” look to the camera. Agro Jack heads to Vossler’s car, gun drawn, pops him in the head once and drags him into an apartment building, tossing him to the floor of a hallway. Jack demands to know First Hubby’s whereabouts, and Vossler insists he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. A kick to the gut still doesn’t sway him, and instead prompts a “F*ck You” face on Vossler’s part. Jack says “Fine, we’ll do this your way.” After Dialing Renee, he orders Vossler to “talk to your wife!”, which freaks Vossler out. Mrs. V. is all “Omigod! Who are these people and why do they wanna shoot me in the face?” His kid Connor is still Wailing away in the background. Renee heads over to the crib, blocking the view of the baby, which sends Mrs. V. into full-on panic attack. While everyone screams at each other and freaks out in general, Renee has the “sad-torturer” look on her face we first saw when she cut Tanner’s air tube in the hospital. Does this mean she doesn’t like hurting little babies and new mommies? What a weenie! Vossler gives in and tells Jack he’ll tell them what they want to know. Jack tells Renee to stand down. She delivers the baby to his mother with a weird look on her face. The mother tells her “You’re a monster!”
Actually, Mrs. Vossler, Renee is technically a zombie, not a “monster.”
Vossler tells Jack about First Hubby being held in the basement of a greengrocer at 12451 Arlington Avenue. (Ahem! The former DC resident in me wants to scream that there’s no Arlington Ave in DC!) While Vossler continues to provide the basement layout, how to get down there, how many gunmen, etc…Jack is distracted by some dude who wanders into the building. While Jack screams at the dude to “Get out of here”, Vossler kicks his gun away and attacks! Vossler pulls a knife out of his mid-life crisis hair and they struggle and flip around the hallway. Ed gets in one good kick to Jack’s ribs and backs him against a wall. Vossler gets his knife closer and closer to Bauer’s face and is about to carve “Eddie V Wuz Here” into a cheek. But wait! Jack pulls a maneuver and Vossler gets stabbed in the gut! So long, Ed! I hope they have salon service in hell!
Jack exits the building and a bunch of lookie-loos are staring at the car wreckage. When they see the scary man with a gun ordering them to get away from the car, they all scamper. Unfortunately, Larry’s ride is totaled, so Jack commandeers a nice Cadillac at Gunpoint and heads off to save the First Hubby!
Five minutes later, we return to the White House where Bill is briefing a small secret service detail on “Operation Matobo Double.” It was a quick casting job, it seems, because the dude looks nothing like Matobo. In fact, he looks like Tim Meadows in bad blackface with a bunch of pubic hair glued to his face. Methinks they just grabbed the first African American staffer they could find. Bill tells the gang and “double” that they need to stall as long as possible and should not get out of the car for any reason. The Matobo double pats the pubes on his face and says nothing. He’s too distracted by the itchiness and wondering why the hell he allowed himself to get into this.
Can you guess what’s on the double’s mind right now?
Renee is still in Vossler’s house where the baby has managed to calm down a little. Jack calls her and gives her the address of the store in DC, telling her to meet him there. He tells her he’s going to update Bill, and she should do the same with Larry. She asks about Vossler, and Jack tells her he’s dead, that he attacked him and had no choice. We are treated to a shot of moody silence on Renee’s part. She stares at Mrs. and Baby V. and starts to cry. Jack asks if she’s OK, and she says “No, I don’t think I am.” Jack, sensing that she is conflicted, thanks her for all the hard work and suggests that maybe she should get out of the operation. She tells him “Maybe I will…tomorrow.” I realize that Renee is supposed to be the conscience of the show this season. But if she’s going to pout and cry every time there is an ethical dilemma…this is going to be a LOOONG day. Suck it up Renee!
Back at the White House, the secret service detail and Matobo “double” check in with Kanin on their way out and he tells them they’ll be monitored by satellite. President Taylor asks Kanin how much time their little ruse will buy, and he says “10 or 15 minutes.” Then, Bill Buchanan comes up and informs her that Bauer and Taylor have the address and are en route. She asks again how long that will take and Bill says “10 or 15 minutes.” I look down at my watch and realize there is 10 or 15 minutes left in the episode, as well. How amazingly convenient! Guess what ’24′ producers…there is an exasperated eye roll coming from me…but it’s going to be in 10 seconds, not 10 minutes!
Wonder Woman’s with me on this one!
At FBI HQ, Agent DeadSlut delivers a flash to Sean from Homeland. This is a flash of the “news” variety and not of the nudity variety…just making that clear. Whatever is in the memo, it confirms his suspicion that they are being kept out of the loop. Sean snatches it out of her hand, thanks her, and walks away. She’s all confused and looks over at Janis, who giver her a “Ho! Stay away from the married man!” look. Erika DeadSlut gets a shamed and confused expression on her face and scampers off.
Sean delivers the flash to Larry. It’s about Homeland lowering the terrorist threat level. Sean is waaaay out of the loop. He thinks it’s odd that the threat level would be reduced when they still have no idea what happened to the CIP device. Larry does a poor acting job trying to play along and says “Yeah, I’ll talk to homeland.” He tries to walk away, but Sean stops him. He thinks something is going on behind their backs (duh!). Larry says “Like I said, I’ll talk to them” and gets a super secret phone call that he takes while walking away from D-Bag. D-Bag, of course, looks at him suspiciously. The call is Renee checking in. She informs Larry she’s on her way to try and save the First Hubby. He offers a SWAT team, which she rejects. There is another matter she would like to discuss however, and that is: Can he please help her cover up the Vossler death until everything is clear? Larry flips his shit!!! Again!!! For the 1 Billionth Time!!! He’s all jealous and demands to know what the hell she is doing with Bauer. After all, suspects are supposed to be brought in for questioning, not killed! Renee says “Pwetty Pweeeze!” She also reminds him that until the identity of the FBI mole is known, it has to be handled outside the Bureau. Larry is totally Pussy Whipped and gives in. He knows some dude at DC Metro police that will help him out. She thanks him and hangs up.
“Fine…I’ll do it. But you owe me! I get to be on top next time!”
In the basement, a henchman informs Dubaku that “according to their sources” a vehicle with Matobo has left the White House. Dubaku wants to know about the invasion forces, and the henchman tells him they are withdrawing. Dubaku doesn’t have long to gloat, because he gets a phone call from Rosa. He is confused as to why she would be calling him, to which she responds “I’m looking for you Samuel, or whoever you are.” Dubaku plays dumb and asks what she means. Apparently, she has a friend at INS and he ran his name for her. Nobody named Samuel Aboa emigrated from Sangala last year or in the last 15 years! He tells her she is mistaken, and she says argues with him to stay away from her sister. Unfortunately, Rosa is new to the blackmail game and totally spills all her cards by telling him that she hasn’t reported the incident or told Marika yet (dumb ass!). She orders him to break up with Marika tonight, and she’ll keep it to herself. When he hangs up, he grabs a gun and tells his henchman he needs to go take care of a “problem.” And that, Rosa my dear, is what you get when you try to negotiate with terrorists! Watch your back!
“I know something that you don’t want anybody else to know. I haven’t told anyone or made any effort to guarantee my own safety. You better do what I ask, or I will continue to sit here helplessly in my wheelchair and continue to do nothing! Got that?!”
Five minutes later, Renee arrives at the grocer while Jack is speeding down the streets swerving through traffic again. Bill calls him and tells him the vehicle is nearing the power plant and they are running out of time. Jack tells him he’s almost there and they will move in ASAP! Bill tells him “Good Luck.” and joins President Taylor and Kanin at a satellite monitor where they are watching “Operation Matobo Double” from the sky. The car has already arrived at the plant and has a visual on Dubaku’s men.
The Secret Service detail pulls into a clearing where 4 heavily armed gunmen in military fatigues are waiting by a black hummer. Once again, I’m hung up on the resources Dubaku has at his fingertips. Anyway, he Sangalan dudes have a mini stare-down with the Secret Service, and one of the guards says “bring him to us.” When the Secret Service don’t move, he phones Dubaku. Meanwhile, Kanin orders the Secret Service to hang tight. The guard informs Dubaku that they ordered everyone out of the car, but nothing is happening. Instead of asking a second time, which seems reasonable to me, Dubaku immediately senses the Americans have “played” them. He orders the car destroyed. The President has Spidey senses of her own and states it’s been more than enough time and orders them to retreat. But it’s too late! Another goon with a rocket launcher fires on the car and blows it to smithereens. Taylor, Buchanan, and Kanin watch on with sad faces. So long Matobo double! At least you don’t have to worry about a crab infestation from that pubic goatee anymore!
Back at the Grocer, Jack comes speeding up like a madman! He and Renee waste no time entering. Jack pulls his gun on the grocer’s head and drags him to the back room. He takes him to the locked basement door, orders him to open it and ask the men downstairs what they want to eat. He adds that if the dude says “one thing” he doesn’t like, he’ll blow his head off. The dude complies and asks the henchmen if they want anything to eat. They say “no” but they’ll take some cold beers. As the dude walks back towards Jack, he’s rewarded for his cooperation with a blow to the head that knocks him out cold. Jeez, Jack!
Conveniently, on the stairs leading down to the basement there’s a whole in the wall (where the men can see it all). Jack uses his handy dandy pocket mirror to survey the scene. Via sign language, he tells Renee to start descending.
As she makes her way down, one of the henchmen gets a call from Dubaku and he orders Henry Taylor killed. the nameless Baddie protests, saying that they’ll have nothing left to negotiate with. Dubaku who is still wandering around outside (c’mon this is just getting ridiculous!) tells him they already have nothing and the President was willing to let her husband die. He goes on to say that after they kill him, they need to pack up and move out. Before anything can be done, a 5th henchman notices Renee. As he pulls his gun, Jack takes him out and the other four scramble. There’s a shootout over cases of expensive imported beer! What a waste. Jack manages to take out two and Renee takes out two of her own. But one of the wounded henchmen starts hopping into the back room to finish the mission. Jack slides into the hallway and fires on him. But, as the Baddie is about to fall, he gets in one shot of his own that hits First Hubby in the abdomen and sends him flying backwards! It’s official! First Hubby is having the worst. day. ever. He is this season’s Kim Bauer. If he survives the gunshot wound, don’t be surprised if he gets attacked by a pack of rabid chinchillas at the hospital.
“I’m coming for you Henry!”
Jack enters the room and attends to First Hubby. Renee comes in and looks confused for a split second, so Jack screams “GET AN AMBULANCE!” at her and she goes scampering away.
And there you have it Gasmii! Another Bauer Hour of Power! Compared to last week’s weird episode, this one had me on the edge of my seat the whole time! I’m interested to see where things are going now. Dubaku doesn’t seem to have any legs left to stand on. Any predictions? Let me know in the comments.
Oh, and in the preview for next week, it looks like Janis and Chloe are going to meet! Who do you think is going to win the snark-off there?
See you next week.