Greetings Gasmii! We’re already on Hour 15 of this season! Can you believe it? We’re headed for the final showdown. This week, it’s all about infections. Larry gets a little of the “Bauer Believer” bug. Ethan gets terminal exposure to scandal! Olivia’s infectious bitchiness gets worse! And even Jack starts to display symptoms of pansy-pants sympathy for innocent victims!
Follow me as I recap it for you…after the JUMP!
It’s 10PM at the late Senator Mayer’s mansion, which has turned into a set from CSI: DC. Larry’s crew is dusting for fingerprints, and analyzing the ballistic evidence while Larry slowly walks around and takes in the scene. An agent informs him there’s no sign of Bauer in the immediate area, so Big Daddy Moss gives the order to widen the search.
Hey…look! It’s the Room Raiders spy kit!
Larry phones Ethan Kanin at the White House, who is hoping for the good news that Bauer has been found and taken into custody. Unfortunately, Larry’s news is not so sunny. He fills Ethan in on the whole “Senator Mayer: Dead. Jack Bauer: Still at large” business, and that they are operating under the assumption that Jack murdered the Senator. Ethan understandably flips his shit, and starts ripping into Larry for losing Bauer since they were supposed to keep him on a “short leash”. Larry is all “whoa! Back up the truck, Chuck! You TOLD me to let Bauer interrogate Burnett and I was totally against it!” Ethan has a moment of panic/stunned-silence and asks Larry to repeat himself, which he does. Poor Ethan has no choice but to admit that, yes, perhaps he’s the fall guy here. Larry, feeling bad, chills out a little and tells Kanin they are searching high and low for Bauer. Kanin says “just find him” before hanging up and slinking into his chair with an extremely pained look on his face. He is sooo screwed!
Ethan won’t forget his hemorrhoid pillow ever again!
Meanwhile, Jack is speeding toward the Port of Alexandria in his stolen pickup truck while chit-chatting with his boyfriend Tony on the phone. He fills Almeida in on the WMD’s at the shipping yard and the whole Starkwood/Juma/WMD/Terrorist connect-the-dots business. Tony wants to know who else knows about it, and Jack tells him that unfortunately nobody does, as he and the Senator were piecing it all together just before he was murdered. Tony has a better idea, which is cluing the FBI in and getting them involved in these crazy “WMDs at the port” shenanigans. Simple Jack doesn’t think that’s a good idea because Larry and crew don’t have the best track record of believing the crazy stories that the fugitive brothers have been floating all day. Bauer tells his boy he really really needs his help and asks if he’s with him. Tony says yes, and they make arrangements to meet at the Northern end of the port. Upon hanging up, Tony makes a face that shows he is less than enthusiastic about these new developments.
“Thanks, Tony! You’re the best! See your cute little tushy at the Port! Mwah!”
In the Oval Office, Madame Prez is on the phone with First Hubby! Yay! His 5 episode hour surgery was a success and he’s awake/talking on the phone. The Prez speaks too soon and tells Henry that it’s “all over” and the people responsible for the attacks, not to mention Roger’s murder, are all either dead or being prepared for prosecution. Oh yeah, and there’s one other bit of news! Little Lost Lamb Olivia is back in the fold! Prez Taylor tells Henry about how the attacks brought them back together and she “returned home” and is being brought on board as a special advisor. First Hubby is super happy about this news, or at least as happy as a man who was Neuro-muscularly paralyzed, attacked, kidnapped by Dubaku’s men, and shot in the lung can be. They sweetly end the conversation with a promise that Mama and Daughter will visit him in the hospital as soon as they can. Henry’s all: “No rush…I’m not going anywhere. It’s someone else’s turn to take up the imperiled loved one torch!”
“It’s one of those hospital gowns with a nice, big, breezy flap in the back for easy access…what are YOU wearing?”
While she’s finishing the call, Ethan comes into the Oval Office and Prez Taylor relays the good news that First Hubby is expected to make a full recovery. She wonders aloud if “maybe…just maybe” the no-good, terrible, very bad day will end on a positive note. Ethan’s expression is super somber, and Prez Taylor knows something is up, which is totally a downer. She demands to know what’s going on. He informs her about the murder of Senator Mayer and that all the evidence points to Bauer as the culprit. She is, understandably, confused since Bauer did so much to help them today and wants to know why he would do that?! Ethan tells her they won’t know anything for sure until Bauer is apprehended.
“Remember when you told me that nothing I could possibly do would make you stop loving me, and that I should always tell the truth, Mommy? Did you mean that?”
In light of the two big recent screw-ups, Ethan thinks it’s only best that he tender his resignation since it’s inevitable that the information will get out that he authorized Bauer’s release. The Prez fights him and expresses confidence that Olivia can kill the story a second time, but Ethan tells her the Senator’s murder is just too big, and that the damage to her personally and the administration will be catastrophic. It only makes sense for him to take the fall and her to accept the resignation. He failed her by not protecting her. She fights him a little, telling him she needs him and that he’s been nothing but a great advisor and even better friend. Ethan’s convinced, though. He knows the political knives will come out and he’s got a lot to answer for, as Olivia noted. He tells her what a great woman she is, and how he can’t bear the burden of sinking her next three years in office and compromising her agenda. She interjects that it’s “our agenda”, which he mournfully agrees. He tells her to “trust him” and that accepting his resignation is the right thing to do. They have a tender moment, and she sadly and silently nods her agreement. He leaves her alone in the office and tells her she’ll have his letter of resignation in the morning. She looks small and scared and all alone in the office. Awww…
“Who am I going to completely ignore and disregard the advice of NOW?!”
Back at the port, Jack meets up with Tony who is doing a little recon work and surveying the yard. They note that there are thousands of containers, and finding the WMDs will be like looking for a needle in a haystack! Jack tells Tony they’ll need to see a shipping manifest, and asks what the security situation is. Tony tells him he only saw one Port Authority guard, and Jack is surprised/troubled by this and thinks there has to be more.
I spy, with my little eye, the WMDs!
As they head out, we cut to that single solitary guard ambling along and chit-chatting on his cell phone with his pregnant wife. He tells her everything will be fine, and he’ll be home soon. She’s annoyed because she doesn’t like him working “double shifts”. He reminds her he didn’t have a choice and that they could use the overtime money and asks how the “girls” are doing. She tells him they are kicking like a chorus line and that dance classes will cost an arm and a leg someday! He asks what the Dr. has to say about that, and she says “to be thankful I’m not having triplets.” Haha. Just then, he hears a thud in a container and tells her he’ll call back later.
“Oooh! They are breaking into the reprise of ‘One’! You better get home quick!”
Guard Dude goes exploring the source of the noise and is about to enter an opened container, when Jack and Tony totally come up behind him and puts a gun to his back! Jack whips him around and tells him not to reach for his weapon, and that he’d like to see the port’s manifest, please! The dude is all “I’m just a PA cop!” And Jack puts the gun to his head and demands to know where it is! The dude tells him it’s in the custom’s house, and the two amigos and their little hostage head off to retrieve it as we cut to break.
When we return, Jonas Hodges is chilling at Starkwood talking to his man “Stokes” on the cell. Stokes informs him that they are at the Port, but are still waiting on Quinn. Hodges wants to know if they tried contacting him, and they inform him that he’s not answering his cell phone (probably because he’s dead dead dead) Hodges states the obvious, that if Bauer took Quinn out, it’s possible he knows about the Port business. Stokes asks if they should stand down, and Hodges tells him no…give Quinn five more minutes and then proceed with “caution.”
When he hangs up, Greg Seaton informs Jonas that the Starkwood Board is ready for him. Hodges notes that Greg looks worried, and Seaton tells him it’s really “tense” in that boardroom. They probably didn’t appreciate being called for the pajama party. Hodges tells Greg “They’re six year olds…they need to eat their carrots” before entering the board room. Now, I’ve been a fan of Hodges and his one-liners since he came onto the scene a few episodes ago, but that one was kind of a random “they’re children” joke. Here’s my equally un-funny re-write of the line…
“They’re chronic bed-wetters, Greg…they need some rubber sheets and bladder exercises!”
No sooner has Hodges entered the room, then he starts going into a spiel about how the day’s events are tragic. He immediately turns it around to Starkwood and starts cheerleading about how it’s even more tragic that they could’ve helped, but weren’t asked (uh…you were responsible, prick!) He’s all: The military is stretched thin, there’s no draft, we have the largest/most-capable private army…but they won’t ask for our help! Instead, we have this messy congressional hearing business and all of their contracts are frozen. He’s angry! He calls out board member Doug (Hank Jennings from Twin Peaks!) for brokering a deal with the government that was short-sighted. He thinks they should renege on the deal and stop cooperating with the investigation until the government realizes their supreme awesomeness and starts tossing billions of dollars at them again. Doug can’t believe Hodges called them in to ask the Board to risk a Federal Indictment, and thinks the whole cooperation route is the way to go. Hodges is all: No more cooperation! The administration wants to put us out of business! Hodges decides that he and Doug should hash this out themselves, so they take their leave of the boardroom and tell the rest of the Pajama Party crew to direct their questions to Greg Seaton.
Hank hasn’t been this pissed off since he found out Norma was screwing Big Ed the entire time he was incarcerated!
In the hall, Hodges tells Doug that his method was a mistake. Doug reminds him that Starkwood can’t survive and all-out war with the Senate Subcommittee and that they need to worry about Senator Mayer, as he’s got his “teeth in this” and won’t let go! Jonas doesn’t look all that unpleased to inform Doug that Mayer is dead, killed by a “rogue Federal Agent” not one hour ago and starts to walk away. Doug calls after him and says “tell me we didn’t have anything to do with this!” Hodges evilly asks if he’s accusing him of anything, and Doug says he wants a “personal assurance.” Hodges response: “Starkwood isn’t in the business of political assassinations, though maybe we should look into it.” He delivers the line with a smug/raised eyebrow, and turns to leave.
Does this look like the face of a man who is in the business of political assassinations?
Meanwhile, back at the port, Jack is searching around the Port’s shipping manifest while Tony stands guard at a window and the rent-a-cop sits tied up and muffled with tape. Tony asks Jack if there’s any luck yet, and Jack notes that there were two ships unloaded at the port today with cargo that could have come from Sangala. However, the information is password protected and unavailable. Jack rips the tape from the guards mouth (ouch!) and demands to know his name. It’s Carl Gadsen. Jack tells the guard that the terrorists responsible for today’s attacks are coming to pick up WMDs, and tells the guy he knows that’s hard to believe. The dude is all: Actually, I totally believe you. I am helping them out, but they told me the cargo was smuggled electronics from South Korea. All he had to do was open the gate, look the other way, make sure everyone else went home, and disable all the security cameras. Easy Peasy! By the way, he swears he had no idea they were terrorists…he’s not a BAD guy, just a desperate one.
“You can’t be serious?! A Bugaboo twin stroller costs $1,000?!”
Jack, convinced they’ve found the evidence they need, decides to call in the Feds, but all the methods of communication are jammed by the baddies! Just then, Stokes and crew at the gate radio Carl and Jack/Tony tell him to take the call. They want to know Where the heck he is and why he hasn’t come down to let them in yet. He just says “OK” and hangs up. Jack tells him he needs to go down and let them in, and that Jack/Tony will follow and call for help when they are outside the jamming grid. Carl is hesitant, and Jack tells him he’s a part of all this now whether he likes it or not. Tony pipes in that there are 8 hostiles, heavily armed, and three vehicles (likely with more men inside). Jack tells the dude again that he’s got to go let them in, and that’s that! The dude asks Jack to “promise” him that they will have his back (those promises work out great…just ask Marika!), and Jack does so (but with a sideways glance to Tony first, as they both know he’s likely dead meat).
“Maybe if I just close my eyes and count the 10, the two scary men dressed in black here in the trailer and the 10 scary men dressed in black at the front gate will just go away!”
Carl finally agrees, and they start wiring him up with a listening device. While they do so, he goes into a long-winded defense of his actions. He swears again he had no idea they were terrorists, that he was only doing it for the money because his wife is pregnant, and how long it and costly the process was to get her pregnant, and how insurance wouldn’t cover anything (Who cares?!) All he wanted was a family, dammit! Jack kind of ignores him and sends him on his way, telling him it’s just another day at the office…and we cut to break!
A couple weeks ago, I took the high road and refrained from making an anal sex joke on an image much like this one. These recaps are still all class, no crass. I’m refraining once again. No need to thank me…that’s just how I roll!
Five minutes later, Carl makes it to the front gate, and Stokes wants to know what took so long. Carl doesn’t answer and Stokes wants to know why he’s so nervous. Carl again doesn’t answer and tells them he needs the routing document to locate the container, as he opens the gate, they pass him the document and he tells them the location. Stokes keeps asking questions, this time about Carl’s wife and whether or not he told anybody. Carl says no, of course not. Stokes asks AGAIN why he’s so nervous, and Carl covers admirably by saying he thought this was going to be a simply pick-up and he’s freaked out by the small army they showed up with and doesn’t want to get caught. Stokes tells him nobody is going to get caught, orders his men to move out, and tells Carl he’s coming with them. Carl protests, while Jack and Tony eye each other nervously in the trailer. Stokes is insistent, and Carl has no choice but to play along/go with them. In the trailer, Jack says “dammit!” and Tony tells him to “forget” about Carl…that he was “dead the minute he stepped outside.” Ouch! Cold, Tony!
“What, me? Nervous?! No! This is my confident and relaxed face! I swear!”
Back at the White House, Ethan is packing up his office and checking out a funny picture of himself with the Prez. Olivia comes in to gloat a little tell him how very sorry she is to hear that he’s leaving (liar!). Kanin thanks her for the sentiment, if not the “sincerity”. Haha. She insists that, even though she knows this is right for Mama, she’s sorry to see him go. Kanin takes the high-road and apologizes a second time for accusing her of leaking the story, that he really thought she was trying to blind side him. She’s still playing nicey, and tells him that she’s not surprised he would think that, given her track record. Kanin asks if he can give her some advice, as someone who’s known her almost her whole life. She says “of course!” He tells her that ambition can be a great quality, but can also be very dangerous if unchecked. She gives him the stink-eye. He goes on…what he means is that she has the President’s ear now, and running a country is not like running a campaign. It’s about what’s right for the American people, not doing whatever it takes to win. She smugly tells him sometimes those two things are not mutually exclusive. Sensing that she’s a lost cause, he simply says “good bye” and leaves.
“Ahhh…that “Pull My Finger” joke NEVER got old on the campaign trail!”
No sooner is Kanin out the door, than Olivia is on her cell phone, calling Ken the reporter at CNB! She tells him he can go ahead with the story now (BITCH!) and that Kanin resigned. Ken presses her, because the plan was to let Kanin “twist in the wind for a while” (BITCH!). She tells him about Senator Mayer’s murder, and that Bauer was responsible. Oh yeah, and the story is all his exclusively for the 11pm news-cast! (BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH!) He thanks her for the story, and she tells him to uphold his end by making sure her Mom is not blamed for anything and that Kanin takes full responsibility. He asks if her Mom has any idea what she’s doing, and she says no and to “make sure it stays that way.” (SNEAKY BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH!) Ken asks when the two of them are going to have that romantic little dinner she promised him, and she says “maybe next week.” He says she’s always putting it off until “next week”, and she dismisses him telling him to get to work or he’ll miss his broadcast. (BITCH BITCH TEASE BITCH TEASE!) She hanks up and smugly smiles like a smugly smiling BITCH TEASE!
Far be it from me to advocate for violence against women under any circumstances…but something about Ol’-Evil-ia really gets under my skin. Where’s Chris Brown when you need him?
Four minutes later, at Senator Mayer’s house, Larry Moss is given the preliminary ballistics report and informed that “someone” was looking at files on the computer before the murder. Larry asks why there were slugs in the hallway/banister/doorway if the Senator was killed point blank at the doorway? The dude has no clue. Larry picks up his cellie.
We cut to Zombie Spice stewing in a holding room. An agent comes in and tells her she has Larry on the phone for her. She asks what’s up, and he tells her Mayer is dead and Jack is MIA. She asks him if he thinks Bauer did it, and he says “it looks that way.” She can’t believe it, and Larry is starting to come around as well. He tells her that the Senator was killed with a UMP 40 submachine gun, which would have been super duper hard for Jack to obtain whilst on the run. Also, there’s evidence of a third party (i.e. unexplained slugs, broken French Doors, a chair next to the desk). She wants to know what he thinks, and he says he can’t tell her until she tells him everything she knows. She is reluctant because if Jack is still “underground”, he must have a good reason. Larry rubs his head with frustration and tells her he’s trying to meet her halfway. Also, he mentions the files on the computer related to the Starkwood investigation and asks her what’s up with that and if Bauer mentioned it? She does her moody silence thing, and he grumbles “Renee!” He tells her that maybe he should have trusted her earlier, but gosh darn it, if she wants him to trust her now she needs to spill the beans. She tells him about John Quinn, the Starkwood Contractor that framed Bauer and how Jack thinks the company is behind Juma and all of the attacks. He says Thanks and that he’ll get back to her soon. She’s all: Whoa, wait a minute…let me help! Unfortunately, he can’t release her just yet. She shakes her head and hangs up.
“Renee want help Larry…but neeed braaains! Huuungry!”
At the port, the Baddie Team is getting ready to load the cargo container withe the WMDs onto a flatbed truck using a forklift. Stokes get’s word that the truck isn’t quite ready yet, so they set the container down and Stokes informs one of his men to run a diagnostic. Meanwhile Jack and Tony are slinking around and spying. Tony is all: Well, there it is, let’s go get ready to follow them! Jack, eyeballing Carl, is all “gimme one second!”
Stokes tells his man Cooper it’s time to “settle up” with Carl. He thanks Carl for his help and tells him “good luck”. Cooper, who missed the terrorist training class on healthy nutrition and portion control, tells Carl to follow him to get the money out of his truck “one aisle over.”
Geez…you’d think knowing he was about to take part in a covert act of terrorism would be enough to get Cooper into a gym. But you’d be wrong.
Tony reiterates to Jack that they should “get going”, and Jack says “no” before running to follow Cooper/Carl. In the next aisle, Cooper leads Carl in the opposite direction of his truck, which prompts Carl to ask WTF is going on?! Cooper pulls a gun! Carl maintains his innocence to Cooper, who could care less, while Tony and Jack debate helping Carl out. Tony tells Jack not to do it, that it will result in a 2 on 10 firefight. Jack simply says “2 on 9″ since he’s planning on taking fat-ass Cooper out. Tony gets pissed and reminds him that saving Carl could jeopardize thousands of other lives if the weapons get away and that Jack shouldn’t break his own rules! He wants to know if this is about the innocent people or Jack. Jack appears to change his mind.
Cooper tells Carl they’ve walked far enough and he needs to turn around. Carl tells him that if he’s going to kill him, he’s gotta do it to his face. Cooper says “okay!” and starts raising his gun. Just then, Jack takes him out! Tony is all “Dammit!” And Carl is all “Thanks!” as he runs away. It looks like Zombie Spice and the FBI are kind of rubbing off on Jack a little. He’s growing a conscience!
“Have you tried jazzercise? I’m telling ya, buddy…it’s like you aren’t even exercising. I put on the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack and just go to town in my own living room! It works!
Jack tells Tony they have about 30 seconds before Stokes and crew figure out what’s up…so the new plan is that they blast away at the nine remaining terrorists and create a big enough fire fight for one of them to steal the truck and WMDs! No sweat!
While Jack and Tony run back over to the other aisle, Stokes is informed that the container is secure and ready to go. He orders it loaded onto the chassis and radios Cooper to come back. When he doesn’t get a response, he sends his man Dolan over to check on him. Dolan finds the fat-ass’s dead body, and radios back to Stokes, who calls a code red! Jack is all “ENGAGE ENGAGE!”, and he and Tony start shooting the shit out of the bad guys.
I don’t know why they assume he was shot. Look at the size of that belly! It’s equally likely he dropped dead of a heart attack, or something!
In the ensuing fire fight, Jack takes out a dude on the forklift and injures the driver. We see the injured driver swing the sensitive container all over the place and bang the crap out of it! Hey, Forklift Dude, that trailer has WMDs! Don’t do that! While everyone keeps shooting at everyone, the forklift operator somehow manages to get the container on the flat bed. Stokes orders the truck driver to get the heck out of there, which prompts Jack to tell Tony he’s going after the truck, leaving Tony to take the rest of the baddies all by his lonesome.
While Jack climbs a few containers, Tony runs out of ammo and high-tails it himself! Stokes tells his men to fan out and find the 2 shooters! Jack sees the truck coming and totally jumps on the container! He heads to the cabin, opens the door, punches the crap out of the driver, tosses him from the truck, and takes off with the WMDs…yay!
The return of The Bauer 747!
Jack radios for Tony, but Tony doesn’t answer, he’s busy getting caught by the baddies! As Jack listens in, Stokes tells Tony he knows who he is and that he was on Emerson’s crew and Bauer is with him now. He asks where Jack is, and when Tony doesn’t answer, they knock him out! We cut to Jack busting through the fence of the yard and making off with the WMDs!
Hey Tony…that whole “reaction to getting pistol whipped” thing was just a TEENY TINY beat too fast. Better luck next time, buddy!
When we return from break, Jack is barreling along “highway 236″ and calls in to Larry Moss. Larry’s first question, “Where the hell have you been?!” Jack ignores it and tells him to scramble multiple teams and the CDC to a weigh station at Exit 29. Larry’s all: Why? And Jack tells him about the WMDs/Biological Weapon he stole from the Baddies. Larry’s all “From Starkood?” and Jack’s all “How’d you find out about that?!” Larry’s all: “Renee spilled.” Jack’s all: Larry, just send the teams! I don’t care if you arrest me, shoot me, whatever! Also, Tony’s being held hostage. Larry agrees to scramble all agencies and the CDC before hanging up.
In his rear-view mirror, Jack notices some kind of flashing red warning light thingy on the trailer. Uh-oh! He stops the big rig in the middle of the street to investigate. The whole bang-up thing withe the forklift ripped a giant hole in the trailer. Jack hears hissing and shines his light inside. Uh-oh! One of the gas containers is leaking! Jack gets a look of terror on his face and turns from the hole. He ponders what to do for a minute and looks at all the traffic filled with innocent folks up ahead. The answer is clear! He’s gonna stop the leak himself! Dangerous!
“Oh. My. God!”
Jack opens the back of the trailer and takes a bunch of deep breaths before going in and shutting down the gas leak! He runs back outside, gasps for a few breaths, and starts running back to the cabin of the truck! But before he reaches the door, he starts getting shot at! A frickin’ chopper and SUV filled with gas mask wearing baddies come up and Jack is forced to run away/take cover off the side of the road behind some boulders. The baddies keep Jack at bay by firing on the rocks while they get the WMDs out of the trailer and attach them to the chopper! They fly away with the weapons and the SUV follows.
Nice to see the whole “exposure to deadly bio-weapons” thing hasn’t hindered Jack’s hurdling abilities!
Stokes calls in to Hodges (we get a glimps of Tony bound and gagged in the back seat). He informs Hodges he’s got the weapons and on his way back. Hodges asks about Bauer, and Stokes tells him he’s on the scene, that he got away. Hodges tells Stokes they need to assume Bauer contacted the authorities…so they are on an “accelerated” timetable now. Stokes tells him he’ll be there in 10 minutes. Hodges says he’s got teams preparing for the arrival and smiles an evil sinister smile.
Back at the big rig, Jack calls Larry to let him know he’s still on the highway, the container was damaged and when he stopped to check it out. Unfortunately the baddies came along with a chopper, reacquired the weapons, and took off due West. Larry mentions that Starkwood has a large military facility there, and Jack is all “GOOD…send the cavalry!” By-the-Books Larry tells Jack he can’t attack a private facility without proof of the WMDs and stuff. Jack tells him to have the CDC sent to the rig and he’ll have all the proof he needs. Larry wants to know what that means, and Jack tells him about the leaky canister and how he was “exposed”. Larry actually looks sad to hear this, and tells Jack to sit tight…they’ll be there soon. After he hangs up, Jack sits on the step at the door of the rig, and looks down at the ground sadly/pondering his future as a bio-weapon exposed outcast.
Wah Wah Waaaaah
There you have it Gasmii! I struggled a little with this week’s episode. I think the last 15 minutes were great in a “hellz-a-poppin’ action” way…but the first 3 quarters dragged for me. I think maybe the show shot it’s load a little too quickly with the Starkwood reveal. Other than wondering what sneaky crap Olivia is going to get into next, where’s the mystery? The previews looked great, though! I’m looking forward to Next Week! It looks like the shit continues to hit the fan. Jack gets stripped and hosed in the middle of the street! He’s quarantined and becomes Bubble Boy! Tony is tortured! The Feds are going to attack Starkwood?! Sign me up!
What did you guys think?