Best Coma-Over Ever

Hey, whatever happened to Chase? Last we heard he had settled in Valencia, so now he’s either dead or a nuke zombie. Or maybe, just maybe, he moved on to bigger and better things. Maybe he’s found himself a shrink to shack up with like little Kim did. Maybe he landed a part in a Broadway musical. Maybe he and T-Bag from Prison Break have joined forces and now entertain children’s birthday parties as Stumpy Clowns. Chase doesn’t actually have anything to do with anything, I just thought I’d talk about him for a while because he’s a main character from the past that is not dead, and those are in short supply these days. Oh well. 24 recap!

In the aftermath of last week’s shootout, Drone Dude, whom Jack specifically instructed medics to keep alive, dies. No surprises there. Mike “I like to play on the swings” Doyle fills in Jack on the outcome of the drone crash and the subsequent radiation leak. Jack calls Bill, who also fills him in on the situation with the trigger-happy VP. “What is he trying to do, start World War III?” sneers Jack. Sorry, Jack, everyone else has already made that joke. Try again. Jack says they need to find Gredenko in order to stop the strike. Um, would that really help? I guess Jack just needs something to do. I bet Jack is one of those people who goes to events like the fifth annual Cream Cheese Festival because “it’s something to do”. What do you mean, I’M one of those people? Do you have photographic evidence of me eating a piece of the world’s largest cheesecake? No? Then quiet, you.
Gredenko is calling Dead Drone Dude, though for all we know he could be trying to reach his stylist. Fayed sneers that DDD is dead, and that since the bomb was supposed to hit San Francisco ten minutes ago, the plan has failed. Fayed blames the failure of the plan on the Russians, but Gredenko insists that since they still have two bombs, they can still do some damage. Fayed just wants to bomb some more things by himself, is that so much to ask?! Gredenko points out that he’s the only one who can get the targets. So Fayed relents and goes off to his corner to pout.

“Vladimir? Thank God! Should I gel or should I mousse?”

Somewhere, a man exists. He is scrambling eggs. He gets a phone call from Gredenko, who identifies him as Mark Hauser. Apparently, he got some information for Gredenko from his employer, but since security has been stepped up that information is no longer good and Gredenko needs the new stuff. Mark promises it in a half hour, then returns to to what he was doing. And what he was doing was making dinner for his autistic brother. Hoo boy. Here’s a topic I never in a million years expected 24 to breach. But here we are. Mark seems like a nice guy, and appears to treat his brother pretty well, so we Feel for him. No doubt he’ll meet a bloody demise.

Brady yells “You take care of me, Mark!” as Mark gives him the eggs. Oh man. I just can’t help but laugh at this. Not that I find autism funny, but it’s just so unexpected on this show that my mind literally cannot comprehend it. Plus I just keep having Riding The Bus With My Sister flashbacks, and Rosie’s screaming “YOU’RE THE HIPPOPOTAMUS!” is just sending me into fits. Whew. Okay, pull it together. Mark asks Brady to go into the other room and access some files from the mainframe. So maybe Brady is just a nerd? That would explain a lot. Either way, he really looks like Mike Doyle’s pudgier, stupider, less homicidal twin.

Throw Andy Richter in there and we’ve got ourselves a set of triplets!

Milo is having a hard time accepting that Nadia may have streamed information to the terrorists. To be fair, Milo also has a hard time accepting that Kermit is not a real frog. Chloe somehow tracked the connection between Mark and Gredenko (probably through Facebook or something), and tells Bill that Mark does security consulting with connections to over a dozen chemical companies. Or something like that. The phone call was scrambled, like so many Hauser family egg dinners, but she is able to get his address, which Bill quickly relays to Jack. 8613 Bianca Drive. Not as magical as Hillcrest, but still quite lovely. Gotta keep something light and happy on this show, and it might as well be street names.

Over in one of CTU’s deadlier looking rooms, a Shady Man pulls Mike aside to inform him that Drone Dude used a remote access module to gain access to CTU. He got through via a radical website that Nadia had been tracking, so her system was compromised and she didn’t even know it. Mike looks extremely disappointed to hear this. Shady Man rubs a little salt in the wound by pointing out how stupid Mike’s going to look, since he led the witch hunt, and that he’s probably going to take a few hits because of his racist ways. Mike insists he was just following standard protocol, which I kind of have to agree with, he was. Except that he jumped to the immediate conclusion that Nadia, the Middle Easterner, was the culprit. Yeah, sucks to be Mike. I mean always, in general. But now it just sucks a little more.

Shady Man tells Mike to relax, since apparently Mike took care of him in Denver and he owes him. What the HELL happened in Denver? Was there some sort of CTU ski retreat that ended in an avalanche and they had to resort to cannibalism? I must know. Jack barges in to inform Mike that they have a new lead, but Mike decides to stay behind. To eat a colleague?? Maybe.

Sandra Palmer is standing outside her brother’s bunker hospital room. She’s rocking the Look of Concern, which I’m becoming more and more certain is the only facial expression in her repertoire. Karen sneaks up behind her and asks how she’s doing. “I can’t believe this is happening,” Sandra cries. “AGAIN!” she fails to mention. Karen sincerely apologizes, than gets that look in her eye that seems to say, “Hey Sandra, want to do something CRAAAZY?”

“Let’s flash the Joint Chiefs!”

She tells her all about Daniels’ plan to nuke Iraqistan, and that Sandra is the only one who can wake up her mostly-dead brother so he can put a stop to the whole thing. Sandra puts up some resistance, saying she doesn’t want to lose another brother. Oh Sandra, with the way mystery siblings are popping up this season you probably have five more where that came from. But Karen is dead set on brain damaging the president. She throws “give him the chance to do what he believes in” around a lot, and asks her to think of what Wayne would want. Um, Wayne would probably want to live, Karen.

General Walsh informs Daniels that the nukes can be deployed in about forty minutes. “So in less than an hour, we will have made our point to the enemy,” growls Daniels as he salivates all over the Presidential Bunker Table. Walsh assures him that the message will be “loud…AND clear.” Oh. AND clear. Not just loud? Daniels asks Tom for the casualty estimates, but Tom is off in his own little world. Someone shoot a spitball at this kid. He’s probably dreaming about the time he was locked up in the Room of Many Pipes and wishing he was still back there. Or maybe he’s just still thinking about that time he zinged Karen and her ineptitude.

Daniels snaps him out of it, and Tom starts to read from his report. Lisa steps in and hands Daniels a note. He reads it, then stands up to excuse himself, demanding that Tom continue reading to the rest of the room. Tom does continue, but with a peeved look and in a monotone voice this time, like he can’t believe he got stuck with Presidential Story Hour. Hehe. I do love me some Tom Lennox. Outside, Daniels fumes over the whole coma fiasco. He suspects Karen Hayes, but Lisa says, “I don’t know sir, I’m just a robot.” Not actually that last part, but seriously. The girl’s a frackin’ toaster!

Dr. Doctor has reduced the drip, so Wayne may or may not regain consciousness soon. He receives a phone call from Daniels, who barks “I’ve just been told you’re trying to rouse the president out of his coma.” This sends me into hysterics for a solid minute, because it just sums up the ridiculousness of this whole situation. Reread that sentence – everything about it is funny. The president! Is in a coma! Let’s wake him up to stop a nuclear war! IT’S TOTAL MADNESS! Oh, 24. You never fail to amuse. Daniels orders the poor doctor to stop what he’s doing, but Dr. Doctor refuses to be bullied, insisting that he has to honor the wishes of the family. Good for you! Someone give this man a position in the cabinet!

“Domino’s has never taken such a harsh tone with me before.”

Jack and his boys are staking out the Hauser’s house. Chloe sends him a picture of Mark and Jack makes a positive ID, so he orders the charge on the house. They burst in and Jack shoots Mark twice, once in leg and once in the back. Brady cowers in the other room and calls out for Mark as the agents subdue him. Jack tells them to stabilize Mark and shoos them out of the room so he can be alone with Brady. Aww, it’s the Jack Bauer Diversity Hour!

Jack starts to question Brady, and IT’S. SO. WEIRD. He acts like he’s talking to a child, which he essentially is, but it’s just so strange to see Jack speaking gently and smiling while interrogating a suspect. I keep waiting for him to start screaming and pulling apart a floor lamp for a little electrocution, but he’s just being so nice. It’s truly disturbing. Jack asks him what he was doing on the computer, so Brady blurts “Getting files!” “What kind of files?” Jack croons. “I don’t know. Mark asked me to get through the IBC firewall to set up a proxy server.” Haha. Nothing’s funnier than sudden and out-of-nowhere lucidity.

Jack interrogates Mark out in the hallway. He tells him that the Justice Department is going to go after Brady for treason unless he intervenes, so Mark has to give up Gredenko if he doesn’t want Rain Man to go to prison. This all seems somewhat improbable to me, but then again if I were objecting to gaps in believability on this show I’d never get past the opening credits. Mark confesses that he was leaking security specs to the Edgemont Nuclear Power Plant. So, detonating a nuclear bomb at a nuclear power plant – wouldn’t they just cancel each other out?

Mike introduces Bill to Shady Man, who gets a name – Johnson. Hehe. Apparently he’s on loan from District. Great, because we all know those always work out perfectly. He runs off to run more data or something, and Mike asks Bill about Nadia. She’s being transfered to holding. Mike says nothing, then skips off. Jack calls Bill and informs him that Gredenko is coming for the information in about twenty minutes, and that he’s going to use Brady for the transfer. Oh, this can only go well.

Back at the Hauser Haus, Jack is still cooing to his new pet. I just keep feeling like at any moment Brady and Jack are going to take off together and this is going to turn into a hilarious buddy cop movie. Brady, who appears to have taken mentally-challenged acting classes from the Leonardo DiCaprio School For Kids Who Can’t Think Good, is asking all sort of questions about whether his brother is in trouble. Jack tries to assuage his fears by escorting him over to Mark, who is bleeding profusely from a gaping hole in his chest. Nice work, JACK. Mark tells his brother to trust him, and to do whatever Jack says. Okay, so Mark has an ounce of intelligence after all.

“GILBERT!”

Jack uses Mark’s phone to dial Gredenko. Mark makes up a story about having to go into the office, and tells Gredenko that his brother will be giving him the specs. Gredenko makes a hilarious “Brady? BWA?!” face, but since he has no other choice he agrees to meet him in the parking lot across the street in twenty minutes. Mark is carted off to the CTU infirmary, where he will likely perish.

Milo is filing some papers or something when he is interrupted by Johnson (hehe), who introduces himself. He tells him about the whole Nadia thing, and that he gave Mike the evidence that she’s innocent but Mike still hasn’t logged it in. Of course, Milo goes nuts and proceeds to make a fool of himself, swinging at Mike and yelling all sorts of accusations. Are we supposed to harbor any sort of emotional attachments to Milo? Because not once have I ever felt a twinge of anything except pity at his ugliness. Morris conveniently pops up at this moment to tell everyone that Mike gave him the remote access module ten minutes ago and he’s been examining it, and it’s definitely real. Oh Morris, always with his drunken stories.

Johnson is gay for Milo!

Mike says he didn’t tell anyone because it came from an unreliable source and he didn’t want to submit it as evidence until he knew for sure. Bill yells at everyone to get back to work. Milo slinks away with egg all over his face. But not before awkwardly apologizing to Mike, who pats him on the shoulder. Mike is gay for Milo too? Has the whole world gone CRAZY?!

How about a slice of humble pie as well, MILO?

Mike stalks over to Johnson (hehe) to tell him that he’s screwed with the wrong guy! For the last time! PAL! He storms off and Johnson looks after him saucily. Now Johnson is gay for Mike! So the Mike-Milo-Johnson love triangle is off to a great start (I’m beginning to guess what may have happened in DENVER). Someone should perhaps inform them that CTU inter-office relationships often end badly and/or in death. When will you fools learn?!

Mike and Johnson, about to share a beautiful moment.


“I am sufficiently aroused.”

Nadia, still shackled in the interrogation room and perhaps contemplating a new career in baking, is finally released by Bill. He tells her about the evidence and that she is cleared, and apologizes for what happened. He asks her not to quit, because they truly need her. Bill is gay for Nadia! Wait…no.

Chloe is chatting with Milo about how awkward it’s going to be when Nadia comes back. CHLOE worrying about an awkward situation? Isn’t that just the default setting her LIFE is set to? She says it’ll be worse for him, since his feelings for her “aren’t exactly secret.” “Thank you for pointing that out,” he sighs. And I myself would like to point out that Chloe has just turned a conversation about awkward conversations into an awkward conversation. I rest my case.

Milo sets Nadia back up at her workstation and tries to talk to her, but she blows him off. Atta girl! She storms away and he chases her. She tells him that if he thought something might happen between them, he was wrong, and that CTU isn’t exactly the best place to start a relationship. See, Nadia knows what’s what! Milo responds to this by smearing his ugly pubic facial hair face all over hers. EWWW! I don’t know what happens next because my television has burst into flames, for such a thing is too hideous to behold.

After a quick trip to Best Buy, I settle in for what is sure to be a riveting scene between Sandra and her comatose brother. Karen brings her some coffee, and Sandra says that she hasn’t heard from the doctor, which is odd since he’s been giving them regular updates. I immediately take this to mean that Dr. Doctor has died in a spectacular fashion, perhaps gunned down on the toilet by one of Daniels’ goons or something. But no, there he is, very alive. You see what this show has done to me? I always assume death. Even in life, if someone is late I immediately conclude they’ve been ambushed by terrorists. Dr. Doctor says that there has been an increase in intercranial swelling, and that if it continues it could cause permanent brain damage. Then he and Brady could be friends! They could go around saying “Are Wayne and Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?” It’s perfect! Sandra objects to putting him back in the coma, since all of a sudden she’s a huge fan of Karen’s plan. Then Wayne starts crashing and everyone stares in horror.

D.B. Woodside’s acting in this episode is the best it’s ever been.

Jack, clearly conflicted about putting Brady in the line of fire, gives clear instructions to the team. He says they have no other options. He mutters a quiet “dammit.” A 24 first! A Dammit under 200 decibals! Jack gently tells Brady that he needs to put an earpiece into his ear so that they can communicate. He explains how it works, then emphasizes that “we don’t want Mr. Gredenko to hear me,” so Brady is going to have to pretend not to hear him. I think I saw this on COPS once. It ended poorly.

Jack sends his little minion off to the parking lot, assuring him that he’ll be watching the whole time. He rejoins his team and reminds them to do everything they can to protect this “kid”. Heh. After a minute, Gredenko pulls up. He gets out of the car and Brady gives him the thing. Charlie Unit can’t take their shot at Gredenko because Brady is in the way. Gredenko starts downloading the files to his computer, while Brady stares at him nervously and repeatedly mumbles “Boxers from K-Mart” under his breath. Gredenko says something in Russian to his goon and Jack understands that it’s an order to kill Brady as soon as the transfer is done. Charlie Unit still can’t take their shot! Jack tells Brady to get down on the ground as soon as he gives the order. The files finish downloading and Head Goon puts his gun to Brady’s head. At the last moment Brady ducks, Gredenko is darted with a tranquilizer, and the team takes out the rest of the goons. So…Brady is safe, Gredenko is captured, and the rest of the bad guys are dead? This mission went off without a hitch? Another 24 first!

Aww, Jack made a friend.

Jack sends Brady off to see his brother and tenderly tells him that he did great. Maybe Jack is thinking about giving Brady a job at CTU. I’d argue he’s a lot more intelligent than most of the yahoos they got working there these days. Or perhaps Brady is actually another one of Jack’s illegitimate sons. You never know! A random agent informs Jack that Gredenko has woken up and that Jack may have at him. This should be amusing. I actually like Gredenko, I think he’s one of the more personable villains we’ve had in a while. I enjoy his beard as well.

“Smiles! They burn!”

Jack stalks in and asks if Gredenko knows who he is, which he does. He demands to know where the bombs are and then threatens to send Gredenko out on the first plane back to Russia. Gredenko tells him that Fayed has the bombs, but he can help Jack find him since Fayed is waiting for his call. But Gredenko refuses to call unless he is granted amnesty from the U.S. government and a guarantee he won’t be returned to Russia. Jack continues to stare at him, promising nothing. Greddy reminds him that Fayed is expecting his call, so they better come to a decision. NOW!

Back in the bunker, Walsh informs Daniels that the forces are seconds away from optimal launch position. Tom hurries in to tell the VP that Gredenko has been taken into custody and that Jack is questioning him. Meh, Daniels doesn’t care. He tells Walsh to proceed with the strike. Tom gets fussy again and protests, but Daniels refuses to delay the launch. Even if Jack does find the location of the bombs, Daniels considers the attack a retaliation for the American lives already lost and a way to demonstrate that there are consequences to picking on the poor little U.S.A. Tom looks incredulous. Lisa looks suspicious. MOLE!

General Walsh is about to call in the go-ahead for the launch, but then tells Daniels that the troops have been ordered to stand down. Daniels is all BWAA? By whom? “President Palmer,” states Walsh. Daniels looks like he may have swallowed a junebug. His phone rings. It’s Wayne! Looking chipper and fresh as a daisy, I might add. Maybe brain swelling is a good thing? I just may schedule myself for an appointment with a falling piano later on today.

“Men. Always want the remote.”

Palmer and Daniels exchange hellos, pleasantries, how’s that massive head trauma treating ya, etc. Daniels tries to make a case for the bombing, but Palmer is having none of it and reminds him that the decision is his. He is resuming his position as Commander in Chief and there is to be no hostile action taken without his authorization. Meh, Daniels still doesn’t care. He tells his Bunker Audience that the President is still suffering from the effects of the his brain owwie and isn’t thinking clearly. Therefore, he has no choice but to relieve him from power. “Get me the Attorney General!” he barks to his minions. “Get me a sandwich!” I bark to no one in particular.

“I taste ice cream!”

I don’t for one second buy that Palmer is remotely qualified to operate a toothbrush, let alone the United States. So I can’t blame Daniels for doubting him. On the other hand, he just wants to blow shit up, so I can’t say I agree with that either. I’m just happy that Jack found a Special Little Buddy. And Karen Hayes found her inner homicidal tendencies. And Milo and Mike and Johnson found…each other. Thoughts? Comments? Ever been to Denver, the secret homoerotic love tryst capital of the world?