Give The Chinese An Inch, And They’ll Take A Milo

Right before 24 started this week, I received the unhappy news that my rent might be going up next year. Now, this is grossly unfair because a) I’m more or less broke, b) the lease ends at the end of May, which would only give me a couple weeks to find a new place, and c) I’m pretty sure that less than a month’s notice is illegal or something. So, my fellow 24 fans and I decided to be inspired by Jack Bauer and come up with fun ways to defeat the landlord. We could bite out her jugular. We could snap off her fingers with a cigar cutter. We could pop out an eyeball or two. We could hang her with a giant chain. Or, my personal favorite, electrocute her with a floor lamp. Oh, the possibilities! She’ll cave in no time!

This week, after a solid two minute and fifty second recap of previouslies (soon the entire show will be one big recap of the season), we begin where we left off, with Jack in holding. He’s making that sad, “My life is so hard” face that makes me want to cuddle with him until everything is all better. Nadia conveys the happy news that not only has Secretary Heller taken Audrey home with him, but he’ll also be filing a restraining order against Jack. Yeah, that’ll work. Jack can waltz in and out of consulates like it’s his job, you think a little bit of paper is going to stop him from snuggling with your daughter? HA. I laugh at your ignorance, Mr. Heller.

“I think I left the oven on.”

Nadia tells him that Audrey’s information did in fact pan out, that teams are getting ready to storm the copper refining facility that they believe to be Cheng’s base of operations. Jack says he wants to go with them, because he knows how Cheng thinks and he can track him better than anyone. I think this is a perfectly good argument, but Nadia is all hung up on these so-called “laws” and “due process”. She says that he “willfully disobeyed a presidential order”, which, hello Nadia? Do you even watch this show? He does that EVERY YEAR. Some people file their taxes, Jack disobeys presidential orders. IT’S TRADITION.

Jack keeps begging and puts forth all sorts of good arguments like this is a mess that he should be cleaning up, give him a chance to keep his word to the president, he wants revenge on Cheng, he loves the smell of floor lamp electrocution in the morning, etc. Nadia still says no. Nadia is the worst CTU director ever. Well, not as bad as Samwise Gamgee was, but she’s still making terrible decisions. Jack, defeated for the moment, sits down quietly and asks if he can help from here. Nadia reminds us all that there is a replacement director coming soon, so she will take it up with him. Which brings me back to trying to figure out who the replacement director will be. Kim? Zombie Tony Almeida? BEHROOZ?!

We then flash over to the main CTU room, and Chloe is RIGHT THERE! How DARE they make us think she was slitting her wrists?! Milo asks her for something, and she relays the information in a monotone, annoyed voice, which is how she always talks, but Milo asks her if something is wrong. She says no, but Morris pipes up to say that she’s pissed about their relationship, and that Milo should probably stay out of it. Milo agrees.

Nadia is briefing Mike “I like popsicles” Doyle and his team on the mission. She informs them that LAPD has set up a five block perimeter, so they should pretty much just be preparing for immediate failure. She dismisses them and wishes them good luck, then Mike pulls her to the side and tells her she’s doing a good job. She tells him to be careful. Sparks fly, I guess. She watches him leave the room, and of course, there’s Milo watching them, scheming and cackling and twirling his moustache.

“Hi Nadia! I’m plotting to kill everyone you’ve ever met! Call me!”

Cheng and his resident Nerdy Hipster are chatting it up. They’re outfitting a team of guys for a mission, and while Hipster is somewhat doubtful about them, Cheng says he’s used them before and they’re quite good. He calls the Asian equivalent of Mike Doyle over and tells them that they’re going to be attacking the target in fifteen minutes. I don’t watch previews, but I can still predict with near-certainty that that target is going to be CTU.

Josh and Marilyn Bauer are still chillaxing in the CTU Family Room, watching the news. Jesus, get the kid an XBox or something. His dad blew up an entire city and he’s got Fox News? No wonder he’s going to snap soon. He tells his mother that he wishes he had never been born into this fucked-up family. Marilyn, probably worn out from also doing double-mother duty over on Heroes, tells him that he is not his father and that they’re going to be okay. He whines a little more anyway. He certainly is his sister’s brother.

It’s like an entire family of elves.

Marilyn tells him to get some sleep, while Chloe materializes outside the room. Marilyn goes over to her, and Chloe tells her that she needs to sign her statement. Oh, and Audrey Raines is actually alive. Marilyn is all Bwah? and curses the fact that it’s now going to be that much harder to get into Jack’s conflicted pants.

Mark Bishop gets a friendly call from Lisa the Fembot. She tells him that they had a crisis with the Russians, but it’s been averted, so now she’s up for a little more sex. But Bishop snarks, “Isn’t Daniels going to want you to stick around so he can paw you every chance he gets?” This is awkward for many reasons, but mostly because Daniels is listening in on this conversation. Though I’m surprised Tom didn’t get a little chuckle out of that or mutter “Good one!” to himself. She tells Bishop she’ll be there soon, and then they exchange “I love you”s. Daniels looks ill. Tom smirks and tells her that sounded “genuine enough”. GOD, I love Tom.

SOMEone woke up on the wrong side of the fembot.

Tom gives her instructions for what comes next: she’ll go back to Mark, and somewhere amidst the groping session, she will excuse herself. That will give Bishop a chance to upload the files from her PDA, and he will find one that says that the Chinese agent who was trying to smuggle Russian technology out of the country was taken out. Bishop will then tell his people, and the Russians will call off the strike, at least for the time being. Great plan, except now Lisa is saying she doesn’t think she can go through with it. Dammit, woman! You damn well better let that man grope you for as long as it takes! It’s for the good of the country!

“Why yes! I AM this awesome all the time!”

Marilyn barges into Jack’s holding cell to apologize for telling him that Audrey was dead, then asks if she’s going to be alright. She continues to blast him with a barrage of questions, but poor Jack just really doesn’t want to talk about it. Way to make him feel better, MARILYN. You’re not going to get any more illegitimate elf babies out of him that way. She tells him that she and Josh are going to be leaving in the morning, and she’ll be bringing Josh by to see him. And also, when all of this is over, she’ll be there for him. IN BED.

Apparently Chloe was missing for a short time last week because she was busy becoming a MAN.

Okay, back to the action. Shots of Cheng and his men planning their mission are interspersed with shots of Mike and his team surrounding the copper facility. They get faster and faster, and at this point it’s pretty obvious, to me at least, that Team Cheng is not in that building. But we’ll humor them anyway. Cheng tells Asian Mike that all he needs to do is obtain “the package”. Ooh Cheng, you saucy devil. Team CTU blows the door and storms the building, which of course contains…no one! I high five myself. Team China, meanwhile, drops down into a sewer, perhaps to go enlist the help of some friendly neighborhood Ninja Turtles.

The only thing Team CTU finds is a giant pile of empty weapon crates. Mike calls Nadia to inform her that there’s no one there, that they probably escaped before they set up the perimeter. A too-late perimeter? ON THIS SHOW? He also tells her that wherever the Chinese are, they have an arsenal of enough weapons for a small army, and that they’re probably planning a major assault. “Assault on what?” Nadia asks. Cut to Team China splashing around the sewer. Asian Mike calls Cheng, who tells him to head directly east, which will put him directly under the entrance point of…CTU. Called it! I high five myself again. But then I become angry. What happened to the days of total surprise on this show? I have correctly predicted every single thing that has happened in this episode so far. They better throw something crazy at me later, OR ELSE.

Morris and Chloe are still squabbling about something or other. She stops what she’s doing and tells him once again that she’s sorry and she didn’t mean what she said. He tells her that he didn’t break up with her because of what she said, but rather what he did – he thinks she’ll never be able to get past that and it will always be in her mind. She says he’s wrong but blah blah blah, I’m getting really sick of this plotline. I miss the old Chloe who didn’t give a shit about anything.

Tom is briefing Lisa once again outside her apartment. She looks hesistant. “I’m frightened,” she says. “You should be,” reassures Tom. “If this thing doesn’t work, you’ll be facing treason charges.” OMG I LOVE TOM. I hope Tom somehow finds a way to also get inside the apartment so that when she runs off to the bathroom at some point, he can pop out of the bathtub and yell “DON’T SCREW UP!” What a delightful imp. He hands her a bag with a camera in it, then sends her off to meet her doom. Better grow a pair, Lisa. You can’t go in there crying like you’re Meredith Grey during sex. Or every single character in Spiderman 3.

Bishop opens the door and kisses Lisa. Right off the bat she seems distant and weirded out. This should go well. She makes her way inside and sets up the bag in a good place. He asks if she’s okay, and she brushes it off and says that she’s just tense. He says he can loosen her up. You know, with vicious sex. He starts to rub her shoulders, then she says that she needs to go freshen up. But he won’t let her leave. He goes back to the kissing, then tells her that he may have to strap her to the bed. Meanwhile, Tom is listening to this drivel from the van outside, and is moving his finger in a rolling gesture and, clearly perturbed, starts begging out load that she leave Bishop alone with the PDA. Tom just wants to go home and write some more ineptitude-tripping jokes to unleash on Karen, is that so much to ask?!

Lisa tries to escape yet again, but Bishop pulls her right back. Jesus, Lisa. Just tell him you got your period, he’ll practically throw you into the bathroom. Instead, she tells him that she’s really stressed. He almost catches on for a minute, saying that he thought the crisis was averted, but she says that it was and that she’s always stressed. Good one. So he throws her on the bed and gets right down to Nakey Time.

Team China is just about ready to blow the sewer grates under CTU, so Nerdy Hipster starts to override and disable the CTU security system. Meanwhile, Milo, whose hair has clearly grown a couple inches over the course of this “day”, asks Nadia if they’ve heard anything from Mike, which they haven’t. He is about to say something else, then changes his mind and walks away to stare off into space. Nadia, who is onto this emo Milo act by now, tells him that she knows that he’s upset about the Look that she and Mike shared. Milo says that if her feelings for him have changed and that she likes Mike better now, it’s okay. She says she honestly doesn’t know what she feels and that she needs time to sort it out. Because it’s simply too hard to choose between the psychotic man-child who tortured her just a few hours ago and the greasy, needy bumpkin standing before her. Sigh. Remember the days when the Tony-Michelle office relationship was all we needed, because it was awesome? Now we get this terrible excuse for a plotline – Nadia having to choose between two asshats? If only there were some radical way to resolve this quickly and bloodily…

Chloe is able to find security footage of Cheng’s vehicles leaving Bloomfield. Nadia goes to relay this to Mike, but she can’t get him on the line. Team China blows the sewer grate, as CTU scrambles to figure out why the phone lines are dead and they can’t access any servers. Hipster downloads all of the CTU security camera feeds to Asian Mike’s PDA, so Team China starts making their way inside. Milo gets off the phone with security, and casually says that all of the surveillance cameras have gone out at once. Nadia tells Chloe to activate a Code Red. Huzzah!

Team China bursts in and starts killing random security guards while Jack, Marilyn, and Josh listen from their respective rooms. Nadia yells at everyone to get to their assigned safe rooms, but before anyone can leave, the gunmen make it into the main room and start firing into the air and forcing everyone onto the ground. Jack is yelling at the security guard outside his room to let him out. The guard, apparently one of the smarter ones on the force, decides to listen to Jack, who tells him that they need to get upstairs because there are civilians there. Also, he’ll need a weapon. “Yours will do,” I would have Jack say if I were writing this episode. The guard gets shot, and the gunman doesn’t see Jack there, so he kicks down a door and runs off. A fatal error, indeed. Some more men show up shooting, and Jack shields himself behind the guard, who might have only been injured before, but who is now surely dead. Jack shoots at the men and breaks a lot of glass. CTU’s emergency glass replacement bills must be through the roof.

“Fuck you, door! I’m a badass!”

Asian Mike is shouting instructions at everyone and tells them to turn off the alarm. Jack is still running around shooting people. In fact, he hides behind a staircase and appears to shoot this one guy in the ASS. It’s awesome. What an honor. Jack shoots out some more glass, then upgrades to a bigger weapon. Nice.

Asian Mike asks, of the CTUers on the floor, who is in command. Nadia, scared out of her mind, doesn’t say anything. Asian Mike asks once again, and just as she’s about to stand, Milo pipes up and says that he is Acting Director of CTU. Asian Mike makes him come closer, then SHOOTS HIM IN THE HEAD. Damn. Milo Pressman, ladies and gentlemen. He finally redeemed himself by saving the woman he loved, then died five seconds later. I think it would be really funny if the replacement director came in at this moment: “Okay everybody, let’s get back to — WHA??”

No silent clock for you, MILO.

Marilyn and Josh see gunmen coming towards their room and decide to barricade the door with a couch. You stupid woman. The walls are made out of glass. The men have guns. But I guess no one seems to realize this, because the men still force their way in through the door instead. Team China needs a lesson in efficiency. Anyway, they radio back to Asian Mike that they found Josh, and he tells them to bring him back. Huh?

Jack of course interrupts and saves them, while Marilyn asks what they want with Josh. Jack, confused for once, tells them to follow him and they all run off. He leads them upstairs to a room with a large heating duct fan. He shoves his gun into it and stops the blades from spinning, then shoves Josh into the heating ducts. Marilyn is just about to follow him, when the bad guys burst in and start shooting. They make Jack put the guns down, then radio back to Asian Mike that Josh got away, but they have his mother and Jack. Jack and Marilyn are sent down to the main room, while Josh continues to crawl around the ducts. Poor kid.

Downstairs, Caucasian Mike is calling. Asian Mike looks at a computer to find out that Nadia is in fact in charge, then calls for her to come over to him. Nadia hesitates yet again, and I half expect Morris to stand up and say that he is Nadia Yasser. But eventually she comes, stepping around Milo’s corpse as she does so. He tells her to talk to Mike and tell him that there was a problem with the communications system, and that everything is fine now. Which makes me wonder, if Asian Mike needed the Director to make that call, why did he shoot Milo in the first place? Again, Team China needs to work on their planning skills.

Nadia gets on the horn with Mike and tells him that there was a problem but it’s fixed now. Mike starts to yell at her, asking why they don’t have anything more on Cheng, but she makes up some bullshit answers and is able to get rid of him. But Mike looks suspicious.

“Did I sit in something wet?”

Jack and Marilyn are brought into the main room. Asian Mike picks up the PA system and tells Josh that they’re not going to hurt him, they’re only going to take him to a safe place. Marilyn yells out for him, so Asian Mike goes on to tell Josh that if he doesn’t show himself by the count of ten, he’s going to shoot her. He begins to count, and Josh starts crawling as fast as those little nubs can carry him. Somewhere between nine and ten, Josh yells out and one of the goons says he can hear him. Asian Mike radios over to Cheng and tells him that they have the boy.

Time for the Fuck You! (By the way, Lisa and Mark Bishop are totally doing it, as we see in the split screen.) Cheng calls up the Elder Bauer and tells him that they have his grandson. Cheng thanks him for the CTU security codes, then asks if he’s done repairing the circuit board. Phillip says he’s almost done, and he will give it to him when they bring his grandson. Cheng says they’ll meet at the rendezvous point. Phil says to call back when he can talk to Josh. What the hell is so special about Josh? He’s got a diamond shoved up his ass? He’s the final Cylon? He’s the only elf that shows promise in the field of dentistry? What?!

So yeah, that’s it. As I said before, I thought this entire episode was rather predictable, with the exception of the very end, with Milo’s death and the kidnapping of L’il Kim. I have to say I’m not all that broken up about Milo. I know he has some fans out there, but he always annoyed me and his sniveling ways were really becoming unbearable. That said, he served our country well. Or something. Thoughts? Comments? Would you know Milo’s name if you saw him in heaven?

Farewell, Milo. I’ll miss your greasy hair, your pubic moustache, and your incessant whining.