Insane in the Wayne Brain

I had a dream last night wherein I was almost attacked by a swarm of angry bees. An online dream dictionary informs me that this signifies “good luck, harmony, and bliss.” I can’t say the same for our dear Jack Bauer. He was stung by an actual bee, and that bee’s name is Cheng. And it’s all for his sweet honey, Audrey.

Wow. I guess I didn’t get much sleep last night after all.

Hey look! A 24 recap!
Mike “I like Tinkertoys” Doyle patches up Jack, saying that he should really be in a hospital. Yeah, and Jack should also be President of the Universe, but we can’t always get what we want. The military has taken over, and the Marines are coming to get rid of the bombs. We then get an Oprah Moment with Mike, who thanks Jack for all he’s done today. Everything I know is telling me to hate Mike, but it’s times like these, when he shows undying respect for The Bauer, that I have to appreciate him. You’re all right, kid (sometimes).

Jack scampers off to call his beloved. Cheng picks up and teases him in that infuriating voice of his. Jack offers to give himself up, but Cheng points out that a man who will not break is of no use to them. Hehe. Jack wins the silent treatment contest! Cheng instead wants the component from the triggering mechanism of the Russian suitcase nukes. With this, the Chinese will have access to all of Russia’s defense technology. Science! Simple exchange: the chip for Audrey. “If you refuse, I kill her!” Cheng cheerfully chirps. I guess he is kind of a fun guy.

“Jack! I sure could use a shower!”

Jack says for the 1,455th time this season that this will cause World War III and that there’s no way he can do it, but Cheng correctly insists that he will find a way. Jack asks to speak to Audrey, who apologizes for everything. Cheng steals the phone away and tells Jack that he has an hour. HOW CONVENIENT!

A very comatose-looking President lounges in his bunker chair while Tom sneaks in to suggest that he maybe go to medical. You know, because he should be dead by now. Wayne says he can’t do that, because it will give Daniels another reason to make a swipe at the presidency. Tom coyly assures him that that won’t happen. Oh, Tom. A woman’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets. Wayne presses and Tom finally caves and tells him about the recording he has of Daniels conspiring to commit perjury. Karen flits in to inform them both that CTU has recovered the two remaining nukes and that Fayed is dead. She neglects to mention the awesomeness of death by chain hanging, but whatever. Wayne declares that he will address the press from upstairs, as “There’s no need for us to be hiding underground for a minute longer.” Well! Nothing ominous about that!

“Sir? Are you dead yet?”

Bill is briefing his minions on what’s going to happen next, and congratulating them for a job well done. Chloe gets a phone call, and of course it’s our boy Jack, once again trying to convince her to break the law for him. He explains the Audrey situation to her, and she is wowed and says they have to tell Bill, who by now is probably launching into some sort of “There comes a time in every man’s life…” speech. Jack says he’ll never go along with it. Chloe makes The Face and sneers, “Go along with WHAT?”

He tells her his plan and she of course refuses but eventually caves. He needs the schematics for the bombs, which happen to exist solely on Morris’ computer. She sneaks over to his terminal, pulls up the files, and starts sending them to Jack’s phone. It takes an excruciatingly long time. Morris is still in rapt attention over at Bill’s “I have a dream” speech. The file is still transmitting when the meeting adjourns, Bill screaming “Ask not what your country can do for you…” as his minions disperse. Morris is just about to arrive when the file finishes loading. Phew! That was almost mildly exciting! (Honestly, who fears the wrath of Morris?)

Wayne is back in the Oval Office, staring at a picture of his deceased brother, with strains of “You’ll never be as awesome as me” echoing throughout his subconscious. Daniels shows up and Wayne first thanks him for everything he’s done, then asks him to resign. Hehe. Wayne puts on this buddy-buddy voice and tells him that since their partnership has always been a “marriage of convenience” and now that their relationship has really been strained, it’s going to be impossible for them to work together anymore. Daniels gets all offended and refuses. He goes to leave but Wayne snaps, “You don’t want to walk out that door!” There are ninjas out there!

“I don’t understand, sir. Sanjaya is gone. What more do you want?”

Wayne tells Daniels that he knows about the tape, and he’s willing to do horrible things with it if Daniels doesn’t obey his wishes. He asks for his resignation yet again, not immediately, but sometime in the next week “will do just fine.” Daniels is totally licked, screaming “Blackmail! My only weakness!” Wayne dismisses him and slams the door with a rather sassy hand flip.

You go, girl!

Morris is tinkering around his computer and discovers that someone has hacked onto his computer and downloaded the schematics. He goes to call security when Chloe stops him. She tells him it was her, but she can’t tell him why right now. Then she runs away. He follows her and demands to know what’s going on. So she tells him. Wow, Chloe wouldn’t even have needed a power drill in the shoulder, a small nudge on the elbow and a “come onnnn” would be all it took for her to cave. She explains Jack’s situation and Morris becomes incredulous, saying that it would be terrible for Jack to give them the chip. Chloe reassures him that the Chinese will never actually get it, because Jack gave her his word. This isn’t enough for Morris, presumably because he’s never been to Jack Bauer University and is therefore unaware that Jack’s Word is irrefutable law.

He says he’s going to tell Buchanan. She protests. He walks away, chanting “I’m gonna do it!” Hehe. What a brat. She stops him and says she’ll do it herself, then walks up to Bill’s office with a Very Sour Face. She tells him there’s something he needs to know, and then the camera cuts away. So I’m almost positive she’s not telling him, and is instead informing him that he can save 10% by switching to Geico or something.

Jack, meanwhile, is climbing all over the warehouse and sliding down stripper poles and whatnot. He eyes the suitcase nukes and approaches the marines who are guarding it, telling him that he’s a CTU agent and he has been ordered by the President to remove the circuit board and transfer it back to CTU. The Marine refuses to let him in. Jack snaps, “Are you countermanding a Presidential order? How dare you, Sergeant?” You have offended The Bauer’s delicate sensibilities! You cad! Jack starts yelling and asking for the Marines’ names, so they get pretty scared and open the door for him. See, yelling always works.

Wooo! Take it off!!

Jack uses the schematics on his phone (which has a groovy-looking background, by the way) to carefully remove the circuit board. Suddenly, Mike appears, gun drawn, and demands that he step down. Jack points his gun as well and refuses. Eventually the Marine catches on, clocks Jack in the head with the barrel of his gun, and puts him under arrest. So I guess Chloe told Bill after all. There’s egg on my face.

Mike gets Bill on the horn and gives the phone to Jack. Jack tries to justify his plan to Bill, but Bill can’t let him do it. Jack, Master of Persuasion, keeps at it, but Bill won’t budge. Jack finally asks to make one more phone call. “Get me the President of the United States!” he shouts. Well, that’s the way I see it happening. In actuality, Jack just sort of whimpers it.

Wayne is in the Oval Office, watching CNB News on his sweet flat screen. What, no FOX News? What’s going on here? Wayne gets the call, and on the other end Mike hands the phone to Jack. “It’s the President,” he sneers. What crawled up Doyle’s ass? Jack explains the situation to Wayne, who is shocked and pretty much refuses. Jack again gives his word the the circuit board will NOT end up in Chinese hands. Wayne says that under most circumstances his word would be enough (hey, he’s learning! David’s photo smiles approvingly), but this time he’s going to need details. Jack says that if it becomes necessary, he will destroy the circuit board with a concealed charge of C4. Wayne points out that this will destroy anything in the vicinity of the chip, then realizes that Jack is willing to sacrifice himself for Audrey. He says he can’t authorize Jack’s suicide, but Jack points out that they were willing to kill him a few hours ago, why should things be any different now? They owe him. Well, that’s good enough for Wayne! “Knock yourself out!” he happily agrees.

Mike nastily removes Jack’s handcuffs, and Jack asks him to help out during Audrey’s exchange. Mike hesitates but agrees, and Jack says that once he gets confirmation that Audrey is safe, he’s going to destroy the circuit board and make sure that Cheng gets out alive. Hmm.

Morris asks what happened, and Chloe tells him that the president authorized Jack’s plan. Morris isn’t happy about this, but he still insists that telling Bill was the right thing to do. Chloe points out that he should have trusted her. Morris counterpoints that she hacked onto his system. Then they start throwing water balloons at each other. Morris whines, “So, you’re going to hold this over my head now, aren’t you?” Chloe shoots back, “Yeah. For a long time.” Oh, young love.

“I need a drink!”

Milo, in his blessedly short one-liner of the episode, puts Mike on the phone with Nadia, who affirms that the tracking device on the circuit board is online and running. Jack calls up Cheng, who directs him where to go. He has a half hour. Oh, great. So we’ll have to wait until next week to see how this plays out. Until then, Mike keeps whining to Jack about how risky this is and questions whether this is all worth it for a woman. Jack sternly puts Mike in his place, saying that her name is Audrey Raines and she served this country well, and they owe her. Mike still looks dubious. Looks like someone is cranky from missing his afternoon nap.

Daniels tells Lisa the Fembot about the conspiracy recording and his forced resignation. She robotically apologizes for her role, and he takes her hand. “Ah, hell. At least we’ll have a lot more time to spend together,” he coos as her strokes her face. EW. He says that even though Wayne is giving him a week, he wants it out of the way, and signs the letter right in front of her. I think she’s a little turned on.

Wayne begins his press conference. He says that the nuclear devices have been recovered and Fayed has been killed. He thanks everyone, expresses condolences for the lives lost, we’re going to rebuild, yada yada yada. The CTUers watch on FOX News. Phew. For a moment there, I thought we were in Bizarro 24 Land. He concludes his speech and begins to take questions from the press. He calls on a reporter and refers to her as Andrea. “Robin,” she corrects him. He apologizes. She asks what’s to be done about the Muslim-American detention camps, and he says that he has already ordered them to be dismantled once the crisis has passed. Huh? “I’m sorry, NOW that the crisis has passed,” he corrects himself. Uh oh. The President’s brain is leaking. He starts mumbling and stuttering and repeating himself, then calls the woman Andrea again. He eventually loses all capacity for normal human speech, winces, has a brain attack, and falls to the ground. It’s totally like that scene in the cockpit in Airplane, when the doctor is describing the symptoms and the captain is exhibiting them all and eventually keels over in his own drool and feces. It’s EXACTLY like that.

“Narf!”

Everyone tends to the fallen president as Daniels and Lisa glower over in their little corner. Daniels discretely puts the letter of resignation back in his suit pocket. Haha. You dog, you.

“What, this? It’s just…uh…a permission slip. For my daughter. For her school field trip to the…candy factory. Yeah, that’s it.”

After the commercial, everyone is assembled in the Oval Office. Dr. Doctor informs them that Wayne has suffered a cerebral hemorrhage. Daniels is quick to point out that this is all Karen’s fault. Karen stands by her decision and says that even after everything that is happened, she is confident that Wayne would have wanted it that way. Dr. Doctor says that the damage is severe (though they’ll know more after an MRI), and he probably won’t be regaining consciousness anytime soon. Lisa pipes up and clarifies that Wayne is, in fact, incapable of serving as President. Dr. Doctor leaves, and Daniels tells Karen to notify the rest of the government of the transfer of power, and tells Tom to stick around and go over Wayne’s agenda with him.

My God! Tom Lennox is in fact a monkey! Someone inform the President!

Lisa again jumps in to say that there’s something funny on the agenda, something about Wayne authorizing Jack Bauer to hand over Russian nuclear secrets to the Chinese. You know, standard procedure. Karen and Tom explain the situation, but Daniels goes ballistic anyway and demands that they tell CTU to stop Jack. The photo of David Palmer frowns.

Karen and Tom scamper out into the hallway, complaining to each other about what just happened. Tom heads off to the hospital, while Karen calls up hubby Bill and tells him to cancel Jack’s mission. Oh, these two. I hope that one day I share the love that only two governmental employees who will soon team up to take down the president they hate can share.

Bill informs the CTUers of the new plan. He asks Chloe to stand down on this, because he can’t trust her. Ouch. He calls up Mike, who’s currently in the car with Jack. Mike answers the phone and surreptitiously goes over the new plan, which involves pulling off at a different exit and disarming Jack as quickly as possible. He hangs up and gives Jack some baloney about how the winds have changed and they have to change their route because of possible fallout. Oh, Jack is SO not falling for this one. Sure enough, Jack draws his gun and points out that he killed his partner a few hours ago to do what he had to do, he certainly won’t hesitate to do the same thing to Mike. Righteous!

“I said I wanted BLACK CHERRY VANILLA COKE, not DIET COKE WITH LIME! For this you die.”

Jack makes him pull over to some random field. He pulls Mike out of the car and backs him up against the fence. Mike yells, “This is going to end badly, Jack! You can’t go against the White House!” Jack is all, bitch please, gets in the car and drives off. Mike is then devoured by coyotes.

Well. This was an interesting episode. Couple of nice plot twists there at the end. I really enjoyed Wayne’s 100-point freakout. And awkwardness between Chloe and Morris is always fun. Plus, Milo and Nadia were barely there this week. So all in all, a success. Thoughts? Comments? Ever handed over Russian nuclear secrets to the Chinese?