I am fairly positive that we here at TVgasm were responsible for giving Charles Logan the moniker President Pussy, and with all due respect to Vincent Pastore, being a President Pussy makes you a really Big Pussy. Therefore, when it was revealed on last week’s episode of 24 that whole President Pussy thing might have been an act (at least during this season), and that he had been orchestrating everything since the first hour, it looks like we fell for the quivering lip, the weak handshake, and the wishy washy attitude hook, line, and sinker. Now that Logan is the Big Bad, I was hoping that somebody would have a plan to take him down. Luckily, Jack Bauer has a PDA, hoodie, and a gun, not to mention a messenger bag. It looks like there will be a priority delivery of some lethal justice coming our way soon. To paraphrase a great twentieth century songwriter: There’s something strange….with the President. Who You Gonna Call? JACK BAUER!After the shootout last week, Evelyn was hit and they lost Henderson. I have no clue how you can lose some fugitive when the whole city in on curfew, but I guess if the President is the brains behind your operation, you are going to have some sort of protection. Jack learned that Evelyn had placed the evidence she had on the President in a safety deposit box in Agoura Hills. I guess she thought that Westlake Village was too obvious, so she decided to go a little farther down the 101 to be safe.
Since Henderson is still out there, they can’t just take Evelyn to a hospital because hospitals ask too many questions, at least that is what Robert Duvall told me in Gone in Sixty Seconds. Instead, they take her to a motel where Jack takes a look at her injury and announces that he will have to clean out the wounds. He just needs to call up Audrey and have her upload the locations of all of the major arteries to his PDA. Jack can then punch Evelyn in the face and perform some vascular surgery.
Unfortunately, there isn’t enough time for surgery, and Evelyn says she is fine, so Jack decides to call Audrey for another matter. He is going to have this evidence that President Logan gave the order to kill President Palmer, but he can’t just throw that revelation out into the wind and hope somebody picks up on it. You know, because there isn’t one major news outlet that would release information damaging to the President without checking on the sources first. I guess if Jack had a recording of Logan having sex with Walt Cummings they would care, but evidence that he was complicit in the death of a former President? Whatever. If only Dan Rather was around, it might help, but then again, we can’t wait until Sixty Minutes II airs because we have less than half a day left.
Audrey can’t believe what she is hearing, but she does happen to know a high level source in the government that might be able to help them out. Yes, it’s the return of James Heller! Why haven’t we heard from him all day? Well, he was on his way back from a summit in Japan. I mean, you might think he would have set some time aside to be around for the big terrorism treaty considering he is the SecDef and all. It’s really nice to see Heller back because Audrey has been good, but this whole operation needs adult supervision, and with Bill Buchanan out of the loop, Heller is the guy. Jack tells Audrey to keep the details secret from her father to let him know, but to arrange a meeting with him as soon as possible. In the meantime, he needs to get around the checkpoints, so he does actually tell her to send all of that information to his PDA.
We can only speculate why Logan decided that he needed to do everything he did, but he knows that Henderson has to fix it. Henderson actually killed Palmer without Logan’s knowledge, but the fact that Logan knew a lot more about what was happening and sat idly by while a lot of Americans lost their lives means he will at the very least be impeached. Therefore, Logan places a call into Karen Hayes at CTU. He tells Karen that he wants to put a warrant in on Jack Bauer, and that apprehending Jack should take priority, even over capturing Henderson. This all seems strange to her(luckily, we all can relate), especially considering he only recently gave the order to reinstate Jack, but goes through with the plan and promises to keep the source of the order confidential.
This new directive to bring in Jack is the last thing that Karen needs. She is starting to realize that running CTU is not such an easy task, and the only thing she has done since gaining power is to fire the old CTU staff, and she is having second thoughts about that. Now she is getting this order and has no clue what is going on. Miles won’t hear any of this. In fact, he seems to be VERY excited that the new mission is to get Jack Bauer. Maybe if they catch him, Miles will get to do the interrogation himself! Yay! Latex gloves and Jack strapped down in a chair. Miles can barely contain himself!
Miles knows that if they are going to find Jack, the best way to do it is to watch his friends. Audrey updates Chloe on the plan and then tells Karen Hayes that she is going to leave to catch a few hours of sleep. If it seemed that Karen let Audrey go a little too easily, it’s because Karen had two agents place a transponder n her car with orders to follow Audrey and give updates on her location.
Jack and Wayne left Evelyn in the hotel room with a couple of bullet holes in her leg, but with her daughter Amy to look after her. They made their way to the house of manager of the bank with the safety deposit box where Evelyn had stored the evidence. Unfortunately, Wayne is no Curtis. When they got to the house, he started thinking like a politician and suggested that they just tell the bank manager the truth. I thought Jack was going to explode. The truth? The TRUTH? The bank manager can’t handle the truth! We need full compliance! It’s times like these where I wish that CTU were a soap opera. I can see it now.
Wayne “Jack, we need to tell him the truth. Think of it as opening a socket to his soul.”
Jack “Wayne, there is no time. The protocol says I open a VPN to his heart, but what does the protocol do when lives are on the line? Will the protocol bring your brother back?!”
Wayne “OK, fine, and I’m sleeping with your sister”
Jack “She’s a slut. Let’s do this!”
Don’t even tell me that you wouldn’t watch, that is some great shit. Anyway, they break into the house, but the bank manager is no idiot. He isn’t the manager of that Credit Union in Aguora Hills because he is a chump. He is lying in bed with his wife, about to give her another 5 to 10 minutes of pleasure, when he hears a noise. He gets out of bed to investigate, but Jack is there to stop him. Jack lets him know that he needs to get into his bank. He has Wayne tie his wife up with some neckties, which is probably the most excitement she has had in years, and they head off to Agoura Hills.
“Honey, has the Cialis kicked in yet? I have a hair appointment tomorrow morning. Let’s get this over with and we can talk next month.”
Meanwhile, Audrey has been able to reach her father. When she says that Jack is going to have evidence, he sounds really testy. I mean, he has his own private jet, it’s hours before he lands, what else is he doing that he can’t take a phone call from his daughter? Jack did save his life not too long ago, so this small favor shouldn’t be a big deal. Besides, if his son is still living in West Hollywood, maybe he’ll stop by and see him as well. The closest airport is in Van Nuys, and it’s only about an hour until they can land, so Heller agrees to meet Audrey.
Now, I know what you were thinking. If Audrey goes to the airport, those homeland security goons might follow her, right? Not so fast there. Remember, Audrey has Chloe on her side. When Audrey stopped for gas, Chloe instructed her on how to use a CTU walkie-talkie to search for any bugs. Audrey found the transponder, attached it to another car, and was able to leave undetected. She didn’t go unnoticed, however. Did anybody else think Audrey’s coat was quite fetching? I know she enjoys the CTU salon every now and then, but who knew that CTU had a Saks Fifth Avenue that was open all night? Man if they get that new CPK and Tower Records, I would work there myself. I might bring my own gas mask and staple my key card to my chest, but it wouldn’t be all that bad.
New from Dior: Intrigue overcoats for the Government Bureaucrat who needs to go from conference to club in one fabulous evening.
Besides this little problem with Jack, things are winding down for Logan. He has another press conference scheduled and is giving a great performance; good enough that people actually believe he is doing a great job. He has the first lady fooled, who is practically having an orgasm listening to him talk tough about terrorists. One person who isn’t fooled is Aaron Pierce. Ever since he met up with Wayne, things haven’t seemed the same, and Aaron calls Jack to let him know that there is now a warrant for his arrest.
Since Jack was already racing around breaking curfew, another warrant wasn’t going to do much damage. He makes it to the bank along with the bank manager and Wayne. The three of them go inside and open the vault. It’s a timed lock, so they have to wait a few minutes, and while that is happening Wayne tries to explain to the bank manager why they are there. The bank manager recognized Wayne’s face, and although he didn’t mention anything about the President, Wayne was happy to open that socket to the bank manager’s soul. After a few minutes, they go inside the vault and sure enough, there is the recording of Henderson and Logan, talking about the recent assassination of the President Palmer.
Wow! That was so easy! Now all they have to do is make their way to the Van Nuys airport to meet Secretary Heller and the job is done! Actually, if things were that easy, I probably wouldn’t watch the show. There are complications, like the whole Evelyn thing. Now I know that they couldn’t take her to a hospital because Henderson has all of the channels under surveillance, but if I have learned anything from other action movies, it’s that you can always take a sick person to the vet for human injuries. If the vet is an ex-alcoholic, even better. Instead, Jack thought it would be a good idea to leave Evelyn alone with only her daughter to watch after her.
What a great idea. Have a six-year-old who was painfully traumatized look after her mom who is possibly dying. I’m SURE she’ll do just fine under pressure. Or not. Amy goes to wash her hands because, well, blood is gross, and just breaks down and starts screaming. Evelyn hears her and tries to hobble over on one leg to comfort her. Instead, she learns she can’t walk, is a little woozy from the loss of blood, and falls, hitting her head on a table. Amy is scared, as she should be, and calls 9-1-1. She gives her mom’s name, which Henderson picks up. He arrives at the hotel just in time to shoot the two paramedics who are taking care of Evelyn.
There isn’t much sense in putting up a fight now, so Evelyn lets Henderson know where Jack is going. Henderson then puts in a call to Logan, who was just busy sucking face with Mrs. Logan. Martha was having hot flashes, but it wasn’t from menopause; she was getting wet just thinking about her husband signing another treaty. Ooh baby, that’ s how I like it. With a fountain pen? You soooo nas-tay. Needless to say, the phone call killed the mood, but Logan was happy to hear that they were going to get a hold of Jack within a matter of minutes.
That’s, uhh, gross.
When Karen and Miles heard that they lost Audrey Raines, they started to wonder what the hell was going on. She wasn’t a trained field operative, so she must have had help. That means that Chloe must know something as well. Luckily, they were able to find Audrey on satellite and were tracking her as she was driving towards Van Nuys. Chloe was busy trying to interfere with the transmission, but was forced to head to the server room when Shari was getting too nosy. So many things happen in the server room, so it’s always a special place for me, and the familiar startup sound of the Macintosh 512k Enhanced is always a welcome addition.
In the server room, Chloe does her business. She is able to add some interference to the feed right as Karen and Miles are tracking Audrey. When the signal goes out, Miles sees that Chloe’s desk is empty and heads to the server room, where Chloe is still furiously tapping away at the keyboard like she was Tom Cruise trying to remove Thetans from his soul. Miles makes it down, but there is no Chloe. Phew! But where did she go? When he turns around, there is Chloe, coming out of the bathroom. Miles demands to know what she was doing. I was really expecting her to say “If you really must know, I had KFC for lunch. It was number 2.”, but instead she simply stared at him with that wonderful Chloe gaze and said that if he really wanted to know, she could file a report. She would even title it “One crappy day.”
“Should I draw you a picture?”
But what I am doing? We still have to talk about Jack. As they were about to leave the building, Jack noticed that there were some cars outside. It had to be Henderson’s men. He made it back to the Vault and told the manager to sound the, uh, silent alarm. Henderson’s men may be there on the indirect request of the president, but if there weren’t police outside, then what they were doing wasn’t official. The LAPD would come, see this robbery, and come out guns blazing. Actually, the LAPD would come out guns blazing if it was a homeless guy running away from a Krispy Kreme with a boxed of glazed donuts, but you get my point. Henderson won’t want the cops to have the tape either because he won’t be able to control where it goes, therefore his men will shoot at the cops. In other words, the perfect diversion!
Well, it might have been the perfect diversion, except you know that this bank manager dude was so dead. When the cops arrive on the scene, everything is going according to plan. Although Jack tried to get the manager to stay in the bank, this guy suddenly felt a sense of duty, and after seeing Jack cap a couple more terrorists, thought he would be safe around Bauer and since black guys know how to use guns, the other guy can’t be half bad either. Jack should have given this guy the Slightly Faded But Nevertheless Useful Extreme Hoodie of Infiltration, because it might have protected him from some automatic weapon fire. The three of them make it to a police cruiser and are able to speed off. I feel sorry for the poor person who has to untie his wife and tell her that her husband is dead.
However! Everybody else is OK. Audrey is at the Van Nuys airport, and Jack is not far away. Secretary Heller will be there soon, and then Jack can take on his greatest challenge. He has stopped terrorists, assassinations, nuclear weapons, biological attacks, and nerve gas, but this may be his hardest task of all. Jack Bauer must take down the President.
What did you think of this episode? Did you like Audrey’s jacket? Where’s Curtis? How long can Wayne Palmer run around without getting shot? Is President Pussy looking any more like a mastermind this week?