50 Cent: The Money and The Power

***Please welcome our newest recapper, miss CHERIE!

50 cent is giving fourteen would be entrepreneurs a chance at $100,000.00 from his own bullet riddled pocket. All they have to do is survive 9 gunshot wounds and a stabbing or two. Ok not really. They have to compete against each other and prove they have what it takes or as 50 Cent so eloquently puts it, “Get the fuck outta here”.

What a charming young man!

50 tells us that in life, you can trust no one. You have to choose your crew wisely. I couldn’t agree more. Mainly because I am not stupid enough to disagree with someone who survived being shot 9 times at close range. It’s just common sense.

Lets meet the first group.

Larry is a financial consultant from Tampa Florida. 50 tells us he has real world experience but that doesn’t mean he will have real world success. Larry’s father was killed when he was four. Its what motivates him to succeed. I’m betting Larry’s wound a little tight and we will see some fireworks from him quickly. Or he’ll be boring as crap. Hey I just met these people I don’t know.

Ryan is listed as an Internet Dreamer from Lancaster, PA. Amish country. As soon as he starts speaking I am convinced that the Amish will deny this. That dude is so not Amish. But 50 said he was from Amish country so I ain’t arguing. And just what the hell is an Internet Dreamer?

The Amish ain’t what they used to be.

Joanna is from LA and is a retail manager. Please. She works at the Gap. She’s got style and energy, but will it be enough? Oh I see. She’s the resident hoochie. Three of her last 5 ex’s have been managers of hers. Look out 50 she plans on making you number 4. She says you just gotta know how to play the game. Since she has 5 ex’s and still works at the Gap I’d say she needs to read the play book again.

Nikki is a Marketing Rep from Aurora, IL. 50 tells us she has more passion than anyone he usually deals with. Haha that means she’s a nut. She tells us that she is competetive and if there is a last Rice Krispy Treat on the counter and someone else wants it, she will have it! I love her already.

Cornbreadd, aspiring music mogul, Houston, TX. My first impression is that this dude is toast. Oh sorry, Cornbreadd. That’s right. He spells it with two d’s. And his hat is all crooked over his eye. He tells us he’s a mover. A shaker. A candlestick maker! Pretty sure he will be the resident asshole.

Needds.Nno.Captionn.

DaJuan, Independent Promotor, Gary, IN. 50 tells us he’s hungry and determined to find success by any means. He has no plan B. And that could be his down fall. Precious, Small Business Owner, Lancaster, CA. I had a cat named Precious one time. She was a bitch. Musso. Bartender, Brooklyn, NY. First impression….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

They are all standing outside on Roosevelt Island, New York when 50 pulls up. He informs them that he chose them because they are the best of the best. Seriously? Okay, I’ll play along.

He wants someone who can hustle like him, think like him and get their money like him. And if he thinks for one second someone ain’t pulling their weight, he’ll bust a cap in their ass. No not really, he’ll have one of his “associates” do it. Ok seriously he just makes them leave the show. Wouldn’t it be great if he got to shoot them instead? I vote Cornbreadd gets shot first.

50 explains that they are on Roosevelt Island sandwhiched between his hometown Crazy Ass Queens and Money Making Manhattan. I’m gonna need a map. He wants the skyline to be their inspiration and officially starts the craziness with “Let’s get started”.

Thanksgiving. My house. Bring a pie.

50 is the Boss. Tony Yayo is the Under Boss. Tony is perfect because he can take orders, execute them perfectly and be his own boss at the same time. Tony and 50 are going to pick groups and each group will have a Boss.

50 picks Joanna first. She tells us she knows how to lead people. She should. She’s been with enough of them. Tony picks Ryan because he says he looks confident. He looks like a scared little white boy with corn rows to me but ok.

They get colored doo rags. Black stands for Team Power. Green is Team Money. Joanna and Ryan’s doo rag has a big B on it for Boss.

First Lesson: Choose Your Crew Wisely

Ryan chooses Derek from Plant City, FL.

Joanna chooses Cornbreadd. (I bet they lose)

Ryan chooses Rebecca from Sunny Brook Farm….sorry. She’s actually from Santa Monica, CA. But seriously she looks like if you said BOO! she’d shit her pants. And she’s a yoga instructor. A wandering mystic.And she’s devoted her life to humanity and the greater good. She’s batshit crazy.

No one who uses a rock as deodorant should be in business.

Joanna chooses Nikki.

Ryan chooses Mehgan from TX who grew up with out a father. Or a mother. She was raised by squirrels in a pecan tree. Or maybe her Grandma. She’s a business major

Joanna chooses Jenn from San Diego. Another for real white girl. She says she’s a girly girl and that there’s nothing 50 could throw at her that she wouldn’t do. That means she’s a whore.

Ryan chooses Musso. Joanna chooses Larry. Ryan chooses DaJuan. Joanna chooses Nima. An Ad Rep from L.A. He’s extremely different from everyone else because he wants to make a lot of money. Without anyone being his Boss. Yeah that’ll work.

Ryan chooses Nathan from Calhoun, GA! Since I too am from Ga I really hope he doesn’t do anything too stupid. Nevermind. Too late. He’s got more ladies than 50′s got Mercedes brutha! Did I say I was from GA? I am from outer space. I take that back. I am from GA he’s from outer space. Planet Nerdlandia.

MC Cracker

Joanna chooses Precious. And Precious is pissed that she was the last one picked. She wanted to go through the roof but since they are outside she decided to just pout instead.

Finally the first test! Each Boss must lead their team on a five mile foot race from Roosevelt Island to Camp Curtis, their new home. All they have are instructions and the wit of their crew. The first team to open the door wins.

Simple no? NO! There’s a twist. Yesss! Out comes Tony with what looks like a harness and some heavy ass chains. The teams will be bound together! Cut to Precious being bleeped (I think she said something about Fornicating Under Consent of The King) and saying “Oh hell no”. Hahahaha oh hell yes!

Only the teams will be chained together. The Bosses will be free.

Apparently they can’t even chain themselves properly or fast enough causing Tony to yell “Hurry the bleep (pretty sure he said fudge) up. Y’all are keeping the boss waiting. Then 50 adds,” This ain’t no high school reunion. Shut the fuck up”. I want Tony and 50 to come to my house for Thanksgiving.

Final words of advice from Tony. “Don’t fuck it up!”. I just love him. And they are off! Gee I hope nobody falls down.

Ho Down!

Sadly Rebbeca busts her ass almost immediately. And when I say sadly I mean hilariously. To her credit she kicks off her heels and keeps running barefoot. Over rocks. Then again I didn’t own a pair of shoes until I was 15 so suck it Rebecca.

Joanna and Team Money is in the lead as they cross into Brooklyn. Ryan of Team Power is worried since he has no clue where he is going. Other than the DIRECTIONS he was given. Dumbass.

Oh hell! Old lady down! DaJuan just plowed down an old woman in the street. She got caught in the chain. DaJuan doesn’t give a shit and wants to keep moving. DaJuan is an asshat.

I’m tellin’ ya, that old lady had it comin’.

Rebecca decides she’s staying with the old lady, who is still on all fours. Only in the next frame you see Rebecca still chained to the team and no old lady in sight. It’s the thought that counts. She thought about helping the old lady, but said screw it.

Team Power is behind and they are starting to turn on each other. DaJuan, the old lady killer and Derek start bleepity bleep bleeping at each other and DuJaun keeps putting his hand in Dereks face. Derek finds this objectionable and tells him he has one more time to do it. DaJuan does it again. Nothing happens. Way to build street cred there Derek. What are you gonna do next? Count to ten?

Boss Ryan steps in and breaks it up. So little white boy with corn rows has some balls? That almost makes up for the fact he can’t read directions. Almost.

Still not sweating? No?

Team Money is still in the lead. Cornbreadd tells us that he wants to ask everybody he passes for directions. He doesn’t trust that New Yorker’s won’t give him false info just for kicks. That is a great idea. Ryan realizes that since he is not chained to Team Power he can move faster than they can. Next Ryan will realize that since he has lungs he can breathe. Dumbass.

Team Money finds themselves lost. They missed a turn. Precious is not happy with this turn of events. Precious is a bitch. And I am not referring to my cat this time. Team Power lead by Ryan the Dumbass actually win! So why am I still calling him a dumbass? Cause I’m a bitch. That’s why. Sue me.

While Team Power celebrate their victory, Team Money finally shows up. Looking like drowned rats. While they were lost there was a thunderstorm. May I just say hahahahahaha!

As the soaked Team Money enters Camp Curtis, Team Power graciously welcomes them. Not really, they do a little happy dance and yell nanny nanny boo boo!

Enter 50. He congratulates Team Power on being able to read and plowing down any and all obstacles. Namely a little old lady.

I was thinking he’d have some subtle art. Like flowers. Or Anne Geddes babies.

50 tells Ryan as the winning Boss he is safe from elimination. Ryan squeaks out a thank you and 50 tells him to grow a pair and speak the hell up. So Ryan deepens his voice and manages a “Thank YOU Fiddy!”.

50 turns to Joanna and the losing Team Money. She is NOT safe from elimination as she sucks ass at being a Boss. There will be consequences. He will tell them more tomorrow. This is the part where Cherie would sneak out the back door and run like hell. I have anxiety issues.

50 goes on to welcome them to Camp Curtis and tell them about the place. Camp Curtis by the way is basically an empty building. Actually its a shitty looking place. Martha Stewart would kill herself before entering this building.

Home Sweet Home

Each team has a war room. They will use that room to strategize for their tests. There is also a Common Room. 50 tells them they can kick back, relax or plot some good old fashioned revenge in this room. There’s a pool table and kitchen area in the common area.

There is also a VIP Unit Lounge. Next to that is a Players Retreat. Basically a rooftop golf course, patio area with grill. The patio area is actually a rusty old shed. 50 has a sense of humor!

Team Power gets to have dinner on the patio with 50 and Team Money goes with Tony to make their beds. Out on the patio, 50 asks Musso what he would do with the money. Musso said he wants to start a Booze Cruise. 50 actually spits out his drink. I thought all cruises were basically booze cruises? Except Rosie’s. Those have a little something extra.

Tony takes the losers to their sleeping quarters. He’s very rude to them. Which causes me to laugh endlessly. He also informs them that they will be sleeping on army cots and that they have to make the winners beds. God I love that dude.

Cozy, no?

Joanna tells us that building those beds was the worst experience. I just wish she’d said that to 50. And he had shot her.

Remember when I was hoping that Nathan wouldn’t embarrass the hell out my home state? 50 tells him he heard he can rap. 50 heard wrong.

Exhibit A- “Yo my name is Nathan, I want to work for Fiddy…I am white and I ain’t black but still I can sing like a rapper” …….mumble mumble bleep bleep. 50 is amused by whitey. I am not.

It gets worse. Nathan tells us that here he is a “white GA cracker and he’s eating BBQ with 50 Cent. Awesome.” I am sure 50 is thrilled to pieces to be eating with a self proclaimed GA cracker. Kill me now.

Much later the teams are awakened with bright lights and God. At least Precious thought it was God because it was a loud voice through speakers. Isn’t that how God talks to everyone? Twit.

Are you there God? Its me, Precious.

They are ordered to the common room. There they find a board on the wall in the shape of a giant name tag that says Hello My Name is Blackmail. Written on it is a message for Ryan that he has to pick two people to join Joanna to be up for elimination. And he has to keep it secret until tonight.

Ryan has a chat with a few people to try to help him make his decision. Then suddenly Precious helps him to make that decision by having a full fledged bitch fit. She’s yelling at some dude for being unemployed and then, THEN, she yells at Nikki, who is Asian, that she should come do her nails.

I KNOW!

Ryan finds this to be a racist statement and Precious just keeps bouncing around the room digging that hole deeper and deeper!

So, you gonna do my nails or what?

Nikki tells us that Precious telling her to go do her nails would be like her calling Precious the “N” word. Not exactly but I get her point. It’s offensive. And hilarious. Don’t even act like you didn’t laugh at that.

To the roof top for elimination. 50 tells us this is his favorite part. He gets to cut the dead weight and lighten the load. He tells Joanna to step forward and explain herself.

Let me stay and I’ll show you my ping pong ball trick.

She rambles on about maturity and blah blah blah. 50 ask Ryan who the other two are that are going up for elimination. Ryan chooses Larry. For strategic purposes. 50 approves. And loser number two is……commercial break! #%$^&%!!!!

Finally loser number two is…Precious!!

Larry believes Ryan did the right thing by picking him and Precious says everyone is intimidated (scared shitless) by her and she’s opinionated (bitchy) and she’s not going to change her mind (stupid).

It’s true. I sucked.

50 gets a kick out of this is calls her the “Poor man’s Lil Kim”. Hahahahaha! Poor Lil Precious looked like she wanted to say something back but thought better and bit her lip. 50 tells Joanna she is whack as a leader and she has one more chance to convince him not to pitch her over the roof. She blames everything on Precious, who rolls her eyes Linda Blair style.

50 tells Larry he wasn’t a team player. Larry blames Joanna. 50 tells Precious that she is hateful and crazy. What was she thinking? She admits she wasn’t. Turns out 50′s investment banker is Asian so he didn’t think it was so cute that Precious told Nikki to do her nails.

When asked his opinion, Tony says Precious says stupid shit and couldn’t take a meeting, that Larry thinks he’s all that because he wears a Donald Trump tie and Joanna ain’t no kind of boss. He says all three should go.

I would shoot all three.

50 says he ain’t looking for an assistant, or a half assed apprentice. He’s looking for a hustler with serious ideas. He is not impressed with any of them. He steps up into Precious’ face. So close that I really hope that girl had a tic-tac.

Whatchu have for lunch? Tacos?

Suddenly 50 looks to the side and tells Joanna she has been dropped! There is no way in hell he would trust her with his money. And my all time favorite line ever..”Get the fuck outta here!”

Thank the Lord! Precious is a bitch but she’s entertaining as hell.

Hey ching chong, could I get a egg roll before you go?

Joanna sadly tells us that she wishes she had done better and stepped it up. Yeah uh, duh.

50 tells the rest that they better learn their lessons and use their brains or he’ll kick their asses to the curb just like he did Joanna.

Then he tells them to “Marinate on that”.

So what do you think? Would Trump approve? Would 50 give a shit if he did? Check back next week when Precious tells the GA cracker to go pick some peanuts.