50 Cent: Truth = Ass Whooping

This week is all about truth. Truth for me usually meant an ass whooping when I was a kid. I never got money. “Just tell us the truth and we won’t be mad”. Liars! I told the truth and not only did my parents get mad, they got the fly swatter, belt, shoe whatever was handy. And I got whooped while my sniveling ass brother laughed his ass off because he knew what I didn’t. Always lie to the parental units. But since this is 50′s show I’ll play along.

Lesson 3: Truth = Money

50 walks into Camp Curtis to have a little sit down with Cornbreadd. I don’t want to like Cornbreadd but dammit he’s being all likable. 50 asks him whats up with all the shirts that say Cornbreadd? He says he’s been wearing those for 2 years now. He has 37 of them back at home and 15 here with him. Normally I would make a crack about how he puts his name on all his clothes because he’s too stupid to remember his stupid made up name, alas I just don’t have the heart to do it.

I’m yellow y’all.

Cornbreadd has been rapping since he was in the 6th grade and nobody has ever told him he sucked. He finds that encouraging. And he tells 50 that he calls himself Cornbreadd because he’s from the south and he’s yellow. He goes with everything. That’s the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Ok he’s back on my shit list. Tard.

At breakfast Jenn overhears a lot of rapping and is frightened. She realizes that she is living in a house with black people. She burrows into the couch in hopes that the scary black folks will just sniff her and move along.

Be very very still.

Its time for the Boss/Under Boss selection! Everyone goes to their war rooms. Sitting on the tables are chains, the kind you wear. The Boss’s has what looks like a radio pendant and the Under Boss is a cassette tape. Team Money’s Jenn tells Cornbreadd that if the task has anything to do with music he should be Boss. Cornbreadd is immediately all hell NO! He tells us he does not need to be Boss to save other peoples day and get them another day in this house. Sounds to me like he’s too “yellow” to be Boss.

I’m number one!

Team Power decides on Musso for Boss and DaJuan for Under Boss.
Team Money keep going back and forth and finally decide that Precious should be Boss and Precious picks Nikki for Under Boss.

Nikki smells a rat. And this time its not Cornbreadd’s feet. She says she thinks Precious picked her because she wants her eliminated. And Nikki doesn’t think Precious should be Boss because “How can you control other people when you cannot control yourself?” Easy you act like you are insane and people like you pee your pants every time I look at you. I mean Precious. Every time Precious looks at her. Anyway, Nikki’s voice makes me want to poke sharp sticks in my ears. And she’s paranoid as hell. She says her team is setting her up. They want her to fail. She’s slams the chain over her head and calls them all shady and then whines because the team is not being a team and working together. Shut it whackadoo. Your team made you Under Boss and then you lost your shit. Take your meds and play the game.

Shady fuckers!

50 calls the teams together to tell them about todays test. He says a lot of rappers have been exposed as frauds but that was never a problem for him. He’s always been true to who he is. Not me. I lie all the time to myself. It makes life bearable. Back to 50. He says the fastest way to the money is through truth. (my ass says different)

50 says people want authenticity. They do not want to be lied to. That’s crap. LIE TO ME. The truth sux. It’s unnecessary. Lying is the only way to live.

50 goes on about truth equaling money and tells the Campers that the Boss’s today will take on the role of talent manager. Precious is thrilled because marketing is her thang! She is convinced they can win this and even Nutty Nikki is nodding her head like she agrees.

We are so gonna win!

For this test the Boss has to pick someone from their crew to be a rapper. Damn! Nathan’s gone and surely he would have been the bestest at this!

The Boss, furthermore cannot be the rapper. The Boss has to present a brand stategy for said rapper. They will be judged on..
1. Clarity of thought. (hahahahaha)
2. Showmanship
3. Marketability of Brand
The chosen rapper’s will be performing for 50 and a few guests. And as always the losing Boss/Under Boss will be up for elimination.

Seriously, shouldn’t he be in a coffin?

Musso, of Team Power, who looks like he escaped from a morgue, tells us that he’s a little nervous. He should be. With Precious and Nikki running things for Team Money, there’s no way for Team Power to win. I’m sure of it.

Precious has a thought. Since Cornbreadd is the obvious choice, why not do something a little different? Like have Jenn do a Hannah Montana kind of thing. Please, please, please let this happen. Larry looks at Precious like she’s totally lost her mind but tries to go the rational route. He explains slowly to her that this test is about truth. And what could be truer than Cornbreadd’s lyrics and the fact that he’s from the south? He’s authentic. Precious immediately falls apart and agrees with Larry. She tells us she should have been stronger but well, she sucks. Agreed.

Team Power’s Musso decides that he will have Derrick write some lyrics. Mehgan will be the rapper. DaJuan will be the beat guy because his lyrics suck ass. Ryan will be in charge of wardrobe and he needed to find something for Rebecca to do to keep her busy and as far away from him as possible. So he tells her that she is his adminstrative assistant. I would have told her to go examine peoples aura’s on the street and report back when she finds a purple one. Bitch would be gone for days.

Clouds are like pillows of love.

Mehgan tells everyone that rapping about her life would be real. Ryan says lets make this a positive role model rapper. And DaJuan says they could tie in cell phones for the marketing. Because texting is all the rage right now. He tries to make a rap about that but basically just mumbles “texting….mumble, mumble, mumble texting”. Yeah good call Musso. He does suck. DaJuan tells us that he came up with the whole idea because texting is catchy and something everybody could use.

It was all my idea. Unless we lose.

Mehgan decides her name will be Two-Way. The company will be called Money Mobile. And her hit song will be called Text Me. Musso thinks it’s a little pop-y but it works for the task.

Back to Team Money. Cornbreadd says he can rap about anything. Nikki basically screeches “You are relatable”. Settle down Nutty Nikki. No one is deaf. Yet. Cornbreadd says he’s the “everyman rapper”.

Musso is telling Team Power that he doesn’t think Team Money is smart enough to come up with a decent idea. That may be true but shouldn’t you be concentrating on your own freakin idea there morgue face?

Cornbread meanwhile is telling his team that they don’t need fancy slogans or clothes and he should just wear a plain black t shirt, hat, doo rag, black shoes, and black pants. Who is he supposed to be? Hip Hop Johnny Cash?

Team Money says they don’t need to promote anything. All they need to promote is Cornbreadd. Don’t ya just love it when these people re write the tasks? I am sure 50 won’t mind at all.

Cornbreadd tells us that 50 has seen his ass enough in his cute little shirts and now he’s going to show 50 another dimension of Cornbreadd. What would that be? Your Cornmuffinns? Eew.

We cut back and forth between Cornbreadd practicing his rapping on the roof and Mehgan in the war room.

We have Blackmail!
The message says that the ones who are old enough will be going out to a bar and the under aged saps will be staying home. Everybody cheers. Yay nothing like going out and getting drunk off your ass when you have a task to do.

11 hours before the presentation and Jenn, Cornbreadd, Musso, Ryan, and Larry head out to the bar. Cornbreadd has a towel around his shoulders. He does that a lot. Is he afraid he might have to take an emergency shower or something?

Ya never know when ya might feel moist.

DaJuan, Precious, Derrick, Rebecca, Mehgan and Nikki stayed back at Camp Curtis. DaJuan tells us that he could have stayed home in Indiana to drink. He was here to win. So he stayed to make sure Mehgan felt confident. I am not used to reality contestants making actual sense. I don’t like it.

At the bar many a drink was had. Larry explains to us that Musso needing and wanting alcohol just proves that life rattles you. Shut up Larry. Cornbreadd opines that Musso looks like a kid on Christmas morning with alcohol and he has no idea what’s gonna happen when Mr. Musso talks to his friend alcohol. There should have been an evil Muwahahahaha inserted right there because Cornbreadd is hoping for trouble. So am I.

Alcohol is your friend.

6 hours before presentation and Musso is half naked and dancing on a pole. Seriously. And its gross. If you have a potbelly stay the hell dressed. No one needs to see that. At least that’s what my neighbor said to me that time I got drunk and climbed their tree.

That’s the ugliest stripper I’ve ever seen.

Jenn just keeps rolling her eyes as Ryan laughs. Musso is now down to his undies and humping the stage. I am not kidding when I say baaaaarffffff!

Seriously, that’s gross dude.

Rebecca tells us that she hopes that as their Boss, Musso will be able to perform tomorrow. Sure. Why the hell not. Nothing spells success like puke breath and a hang over. Dumbass.

Last one I swear.

1 hour before presentation and Mehgan goes running into Musso’s tent yelling that he has 10 minutes to get ready. He jumps like his Mom caught him whacking it. It occurs to Musso that getting drunk was not the best of ideas. Cut to a slo-mo of Musso belly bumping and burping. Gee I hope 50 doesn’t hear about all that foolishness.

We see an outside shot of Krystal’s Gentleman’s Club. Ok people give it up. Stop calling titty bars Gentleman’s Clubs. If you are at a place that serves chicken wings and there are naked girls on poles, chances are there are no gentleman to be found. This concludes the ranting portion of this recap.

Titty bar.

50 comes into the club and tells Team Power that they are up first. Mehgan is afraid that Musso might just fuck this up. Out comes Team Power to so so applause. 50 introduces his guest judges. Miss Info, radio personality. D.J. Whoo Kid, G-Units D.J. And of course 50′s very own Under Boss Tony Yayo. 50 explains the task to his guest judges. Emphasizing that truth will set them free.

Where are the naked chicks?

Musso steps up to the mic and says “How’s everybody doing tonight?” Crickets can be heard snoring. 50 says “I heard you were pretty sauced up last night.” Morgue face has no answer so 50 says “Let’s go!”. To which Musso replies “Uhhhhhh”. Finally he gets his shit together and tells the crowd that he wants to bring back the days of positive hip hop. And he will do this with his creation Two-Way. Also known as Mehgan. He tells them that Money Mobile is his company and Two-Way’s hit song Text Me basically cross promotes both brands. He actually comes across as half way coherent and gets nods of approval from the judges.

And Mehgan begins. Maybe its just me but she sounds a little, lame. I can’t understand all the words but the phrase “text me boy” is used a lot. 50 and the other judges are either really liking this or they are laughing their asses off. DaJuan is onstage as well as Derrick and Ryan. Poor little Rebecca is off to the side sitting on a speaker looking quite lost. Musso ends the performance with a statement. “The game done changed today.”

I’ll just sit and watch.

50 begins to question Mehgan about what the brand actually is. She says her brand is a “intelligent, smart, determined young girl out here trying to make it”. Ok, I thought it was a cell phone? 50 wants to know how this is true to what Mehgan is? Mehgan says that they used all of her thoughts and ideas and intellect in order to sell something. And as she says this she looks down at her boob like it spoke to her.

50 moves on to DaJuan who says he came up with the beat. He wanted something that was diverse. He takes credit for the cell phone idea saying that not every body has time to talk so they text because time is money. 50 likes this and asks him if he wants a job. He thinks DaJuan had a good idea.

Miss Info loved it. She says retro is really in right now and the cross promotion was great. Whoo Kid agrees. Tony Yayo wants to know why Rebecca was sitting on her ass and not a part of the act. He asks Musso if that was his choice. Musso says he didn’t want it to be fake and that Rebecca is not a hip hop fan. 50 says she should have been in on the act and if she doesn’t care why should he give a fuck? This whole time Rebecca has just sat there saying nothing. Looking off into space. Musso chimes in with “At the end of the day, I am the boss, the mistakes fall on my shoulders”. Very gallant. And stupid. 50 says nice job and sends them on their way.

Team Money is backstage congratulating themselves on winning, just one minor detail. They haven’t performed yet. Nutty Nikki did that last week too. And lost. Aren’t delusional people just so much fun?

Yay we won!

Team Money hits the stage. Precious starts talking nonsense immediately. She actually says “And now. We will UN-release an explosion of talent. We currently have a product ready for harvest. In order to water our products growth (I am not making this up) we have one nutritional plan. Internet, street teams, and grass roots. (didn’t she say one?)

The maximus glutamus of the internal revenue…

In the back ground by the way, Jenn and Nikki are dancing? Sort of. Although Jenn looks more like a chicken having a seizure. There is also a beat going on while Precious is blathering. Cut to Nikki telling us that Precious is fake and doesn’t know what the fuck she’s talking about. Back to Precious, “And to maximize our internal revenue we will use minimal expenses.” Cut to Jenn who is now saying that Precious has no clue and has stuck her foot in it.

Precious backs her confused self up and Larry takes over the bullshit routine with, “Where’s tomorrow?” (oohh I know this one. Tomorrow’s just your future, yesterday!) He continues “Uh well, tomorrow’s actually right here, today!”. (Now I am totally confused)
There’s more people. “Integrity and truth, that’s what we’re dealing. Without further adue, we’d like to introduce Cornbreadd!”. And Nutty Nikki pulls down a flag to reveal Cornbread. Yay!

Hip hop Johnny Cash

He starts to rap as 50 smiles on. It was short and sweet.But there is no product. Nothing to promote. Just Cornbreadd dressed all in black, rapping. 50 tells them to each step up and explain their contribution. Nutty Nikki jumps up first with her annoying there’s never a period in any of her sentences rambling to say that all of it was her idea. The marketing anyway. She found out the “demographics, the psychographics, and the strategies to launch this campaign and further his career”. (what the hell is a psychographic, a picture of someone insane? )

50 says “OK I like that”. I am so glad she makes sense to someone. Precious is up next as the Boss. 50 says what the hell were you talking about bitch? She says this ” See my plan was, I figured, if we give them a piece of the profit, and we tell them we will give them 700 or $7.00 so we are not coming out of pocket first. And so we’re giving them some of the expenses for what they actually do.” 50 tells her to get the hell back in line you psychotic nutjob. The other judges laugh at her.

Say what?

Precious tells us that she does not agree with it, “I stepped up as Boss and everybody is trying to knock me down”. We’ll maybe so there Precious but you are handing them the bat to knock you down with.She continues with “ya know I ain’t having that. I ain’t having it!”.

50 asks the judges what they thought. Miss Info says she thinks they were using big words to sound impressive but since they are retarded it didn’t work. Whoo Kid says they needed a strong artist so their team could work. And poor Cornbreadd tells us that he wanted to commit suicide.

Kill.Me.Now.

50 wants to know why Cornbreadd didn’t market himself by wearing one of the 90 Cornbreadd shirts he owns. Because that way when everybody left they would remember one thing CORNBREADD.
Duh.

Cornbread says to us that he doesn’t know why he made that decision. That he made a mistake. Damn he’s making me feel sorry for him. A little. 50 sends them off stage so he can discuss things with his judges. They talk very little and then call the teams back in. And the results are……not yet. First 50 wants Precious to explain why she went all Jessie Jackson on crack on his ass. Actually he wants to know what she thinks his answer is going to be. Precious says “I feel like we were trying to take more of the educated route (Meanwhile Nutty Nikki is trying to get Precious to shut up by whispering behind her hand, cause ya know nobody can see you as long as you have your hand up over your mouth) opposed to………. what people….”. Blessedly she trails off as 50 says “what actually matters?” Haha that shut her up. He tells Precious that her team is making no sense. Nutty Nikki agrees and nods her head up and down.

Are we being Punk’d?

Team Power wins! And Team Money as the losers have to stay there and clean up the club. I would rather go back and clean out the stables again because you know what happens at those places. Seriously I would have a black light and if it glows I goes. Just saying.

Don’t think that’s dried mayo.

Larry is yelling at Precious that this ain’t no game and you have to have content behind what you are saying. He’s really getting pissed and yelling and cussing. Precious is just yelling about education and Cornbreadd joins in on the Precious sux rantings. Now she’s in Cornbreadds face, spit flying all over the place and Cornbreadd starts barking at her. Or screeching. Actually we have a clip. Behold the awesomeness of loser rage.

Back at Camp Curtis, Team Power is treated to champagne. While back at the Gentleman’s Club (titty bar) all is not well. At least they are wearing gloves while they clean. Cornbreadd tells us that he found himself cleaning the dirtiest strip club he’s ever seen in his life. “Ain’t no tellin where that floor been”. Haha I am starting to like Cornbreadd, again.

Ffffffffuuuudge

Cornbreadd says Precious’s mother did a horrible job raising her. Nikki tells Precious to get the hell out of her face. Precious dosen’t want to take the blame and Cornbreadd says “Take a loss, pay the cost”.
Back at Camp Curtis Larry realizes that losing every challenge just might hurt him. He says 50 doesn’t want a loser. And that he’s not loser. Well let’s see, there have been 3 tests and you have lost all three. Yep I do believe that makes you a LOSER.

50 calls Musso up to his office. This concerns Musso since the last time someone was called up there, they didn’t survive (Nathan’s dumb ass) 50 asks Musso if he’s thought about who he would put up for elimination alongside Precious and Nikki. Musso says Rebecca or Larry. He says Rebecca hasn’t stepped up and that Larry is just disrespectful and doesn’t talk to you he talks over you. 50 says Musso will give him his final decision at elimination and sends him on his way.

Huh?

Musso goes to speak to Rebecca. He asks her if she is able to make a decision without letting her emotions effect her. He tells her he is only as strong as the people around him. This is what Rebecca says ” You know that I am a humanitarian, this isn’t, this is selfless service I am doing here.” (I swear I can see little dodo birds flying around her head.) Morgue Face rolls his eyes and she continues with, “I am here to contribute towards sustainability and a brighter world for everybody.” I think a vein just popped in my head. Morgue Face just sits very still hoping she’ll go away.

Next Larry goes to talk to Morgue Face. Larry doesn’t want to be put up for elimination and is asking Musso man to man. He says this is his life. He says he’s ok if he loses because someone beats him but not if it is because he talks too much. Here’s a hint for ya Larry, shut the hell up then.

Larry tells Nikki, who is just sitting there with her mouth hanging open, that he is drained and he’s going to pack because he’s probably going home. Larry goes off to be alone and he starts talking to the camera. He is crying and says he fucked up his one good suit and his shoes to be here. He doesn’t think he deserves to go home or be up for elimination. And I quote “I am the strongest player in this house!”. Uhh dude, 3 tests, 3 loses. LOSER.

Cornbreadd wants Precious to go but thinks it won’t happen. He says he’ll work with Precious if she’s still there next week because that’s how strong of a person he is. He tries to make nice with Precious and then leaves. She starts crying and says she let herself down and that she “didn’t know the knowledge”. God I love that girl.

To the rooftop! 50 says the lesson he tried to instill in them this week is that the truth is the right path. He wants them to remember that even if he drops their ass tonight. He says when you are genuine you connect with people and that is key in business. He says his job now is to separate the real from the bootleg and brand one of them a failure.

Musso and DaJuan are safe and 50 congratulates them. He then tells Team Money that they lost. They came apart at the seams and he saw that punk ass scuffle between Larry and Precious and Cornbreadd. He tells Cornbreadd that he made a fool of himself. Cornbreadd agrees but says he took the loss with the team and didn’t blame anyone but folks was blaming him. He felt violated. Ha! Violated? Violated is being strip searched by a big woman with a crew cut. Not that that has ever happened to me.

50 calls Nikki and Precious to step up. He asks Muso who he will put up. Musso says Larry for a bunch of reasons. Mainly because he’s a hot head. 50 tells Nikki she’s the only one on her team that made sense today. He tells her to sit down. Oh shit, he calls Cornbreadd up to replace her! No fair, I was just starting to like his stupid ass.

50 turns his attention to Miss Precious. He asks her why he should give her his money. Oh Lord here we go again. She says ” When I come to myself in my work I am a hard worker.” 50 tells her she’s been acting like a fool. I say that ain’t acting. But I still love her crazy ass.

On to Larry. 50 says this is your 3rd time up here. Larry starts to talk and 50 cuts him off. He tells him his presentation was awful. He once thought Larry had a strong business sense but now he’s had a change of heart. He asks him what he has to say for himself?

Maybe I am a loser.

Larry basically blames it on Cornbreadd but does apologize for his temper. 50 calls him on his excuses but then goes back to Cornbreadd. I would just go ahead and jump off the building at this point. (anxiety issues)

50 asks Cornbreadd what he has to say about what Larry said. Cornbreadd says he ain’t nobody’s scapegoat and when he’s wrong he’s the first to admit it. This pleases 50 who then tells Cornbreadd to go sit down.

Precious and Larry are left. 50 tells Larry he’s disappointed in him. He gets right in his face but tells him he’s good.

Bye Miss Jibberish, I’ll miss you.

Precious has been dropped. He doesn’t say “Get the fuck outta here” though. Larry falls down crying and Nikki says a prayer to the sky. Poor lil Precious just walks away. She tells us she stayed true to herself and it just didn’t work out for her.

Shut the fuck up.

50 tells the rest to “shut the fuck up and grind. It only gets harder and I am going to bring it”.

Larry is a crying mess. He says 50 has given him a true opportunity. Boo. I would rather Precious had stayed. She’s hilarious. Larry, not so much. Oh well, till next week folks!

And now, a message from 50.