This week’s episode starts off with 50 on the rooftop. Where else would he be? He tells us that his life sucked ass growing up but he never let it stop him. One man’s abandoned building could be another man’s resort. Sorry 50 but that abandoned building called Camp Curtis ain’t no man’s resort. It’s a shit hole.
God is so loud!
His point is life is what you make it. He’s a half glass full kinda guy. Okay. Every pile of manure is loaded with vitamins and minerals. Good to know. Oh I see he’s trying to segue into the title of the next lesson! Silly me.
Lesson 2 : Turn shit into sugar. That would be wonderful if he could because I have 8 cats and a dog. Just saying. Pretty sure he’s just making analogies though. Or similes. Never could keep those straight.
Its nighty night time at Camp Curtis when suddenly God starts yelling through the speakers for the sleepers to get the hell up. No one is happy. But as DaJuan says “Nothing comes to a sleeper but a dream”. DaJuan is deep. He’s also retarded but that’s beside the point.
Nima says that’s the worst thing he’s ever woken up to in his life. He’s obviously never been awakened by the sound of my Meemaw and her young boyfriend Taz (he’s 72) violating the laws of man and nature in my shower. BRB I have to take some
Camp Curtis is a mess. No one can find anything. Beds aren’t made. Dishes everywhere. Cut to Jenn in the bathroom being horrified that she found a hair on the sink. Jenn tells us that everyone says she is high maintenance and she is like, so not. This means of course that she is. She claims that if she had some cleanser she would clean the bathroom. She would! Someone please throw some Comet at her ass and watch her start crying.
You should see my ass.
Nathan has his hideous foot in the air to show everyone at the kitchen table that its black. DaJuan tells him he’s part black now. Of course he is didn’t you guys hear him rap? AWESOME. And by awesome I mean he’s only slightly higher up on the lame scale than oh I don’t know, say, Gilligan. Tard.
We have Blackmail! Someone wearing a hoodie comes in and writes instructions on the board. God calls them all to the common room. The two teams are instructed to get their shit together and pick a boss and then the boss will pick an under boss, all in 15 minutes. Nathan sits down immediately and takes his shoe off so he can count off the minutes. Then realizes he has a watch.
Nima tells us that his folks think he’s still in school. But he figures what do I need a degree for? He’s a straight up hustler yo. His strategy is to fuck with people but not take a leadership role. Where is Dr. Phil when you need him? Oh yeah, he’ s in Oprah’s ass. Nevermind.
Team money comes into their war room to find overalls labeled Boss and Under Boss. Cornbreadd deduces that whatever this challenge is, it will be outdoors and involve sweating. Shut up Cornbreadd. Immediately Precious and Nikki point at each other that they should be Boss. Nikki says she hasn’t finished growing yet so no thanks. Precious tells her that since she’s asian and all nobody would expect her to act like a boss and it would shock people. And that she’s good at math and can’t drive. Oh Precious.
Cornbreadd decides to break it down for these weak ass women. See Cornbreadd is stronger than the women. The women agree. He explains that if he is Boss and God forbid they should lose, then he would most likely go home leaving these poor pathetic women to fend for themselves. He thus’s and thou’s until the women are too confused to speak. He then informs Nikki that she should be Boss and then she should chose someone superior to her to be Under Boss and that person can guide her. Gotta say I am a little impressed with the evil genious right now. Don’t worry it won’t last.
Nikki tells us that she don’t trust him or no one else. Jenn doesn’t like it either. But then they go along with it. Damn, Cornbreadd may not be as stupid as he surely looks. I hope y’all know how painful it was for me to write that shit.
So Nikki is voted the Boss, and immediately starts crying. Precious tells Nikki to “Trust us”. Cornbreadd is thrilled. By the way Cornhole, Bernie Mack called. He say’s he ain’t been dead long enough for you to steal his freakin voice so stop it! Told ya it wouldn’t last.
So that means for Team Money we have Nikki as Boss and Larry as Under Boss.
I don’t wanna be boss!
On to Team Power. Ryan tells everyone that even though he was a great Boss last time every challenge is different. Again everyone goes back and forth about who should do it and finally they throw Derrick the holy overalls. He shall be Boss. He then picks Mehgan to be his Under Boss. By the way, overalls, not flattering. On anyone.
Back from commercial the camera rolls up 50′s jeans, big belt buckle that says, what else, 50. There are bales of hay. Horses. A couple of cowboys. I am starting to giggle already.
50 tells the campers this whole Camp Curtis movement is about business. That he came up the hard way, and he is and was a hustler. This test today has a very important lesson. One that 50 thought long and hard about. (Is it just me or is this sounding more and more like a porn movie?) 50 says it is important to know that there were African American cowboys blazing trails way back when. And still to this day. And he’s proud of his neighborhood. I’m confused. 50 was raised by cowboys? In the cowboyhood? He introduces us to Earl Washington, of the Federation of Black Cowboys.
Random Thought Alert: Lindsey Lohan would call them Colored Cowboys. Twit.
The challenge is to clean up horse shit. I shit you not.
The Camper’s are horrified. Hilariously so. 50 tells the shocked Camper’s that they will learn how to turn shit into sugar. Seriously people? How shocked could they be? They were given overalls for fiddysake!
They have one hour to take the poo from the stalls and take it to a scale some yards away. He has provided tools to assist them. The biggest pile of poo wins. Seriously.
Nima of Team Money, is already worried. He says they have Jenn who couldn’t pick up a ten pound weight and Precious who he says is over weight and will have trouble running back and forth. Dear God, please, please, please have Nima go call Precious fat. Please! Amen.
Cornbreadd is starting to sweat already because he wore a freaking three piece suit. He tells us he made the wrong decision today. From the looks of him I bet he says that everyday. Wasn’t he the one who figured out that they would be outside? Dumb.Ass.
I knew I should have worn my white halter.
And they’re off. Both teams run like hell to the pile of tools. The “tools” by the way are a broken wheelbarrow, a broken rake, a tire cut in half, an old rain coat, some cardboard, a muffin tin and what looks like some tin foil. When DaJuan of Team Power realizes that the wheelbarrow is broken, he just picks it up and runs with it.
Uhh was Home Depot closed?
Team Money and Nikki are using the old rain coat and some are just carrying the shit. Nima tells us he might puke. Musso of Team Power shows up at the scales with shit piled to his chin using a half tire and a muffin tin. He says he had to pace himself and just pick up as much shit as he could. Oh gross dude it’s in his mouth. Nas.ty.
Meanwhile the Federation of Black Cowboys are over to the side laughing their asses off. They nickname Musso the Muffin Man. Hahaha.
Nikki is congratulating herself on being such a great leader and they still have thirty minutes to go. Under Boss Larry tells us that they were packing the shit down to make as much fit as possible.
All aboard the Shitpack Express!
Nathan is just standing around looking sweaty and stupid and the others are complaining that he isn’t doing anything. He’s not running or digging. He’s just standing there. When he did have a handful of poo he just let it drop. The FBC have turned there attention to Nathan as he shows up at the scale with a small handful of poo. Not for the first time, Nathan gets laughed at.
Nathan tells us he felt very guilty about only carrying a handful of crap but he wasn’t willing to get down and dirty. That dude is an ass kicking waiting to happen.
Under Boss Mehgan has been watching the other team to see why they were ahead. Uhh maybe because you are WATCHING instead of DOING? She see’s that they have a large piece of cardboard and are able to get a lot of shit on it. And she decides to snatch it right out from under them. She’s a quick little thing. She snatched that thing and ran. According to the rules if another teams sets a tool down, it can be snatched. But damn, they were piling shit on it when she snatched it. That girl has some balls.
Was that a squirrel?
50 comes out to take a look and thinks its going to be close. He calls time. Words are unnecessary. I’ll let this picture do the talking here.
Going to my happy place…
50 asks Derrick of Team Power what he thinks about their performance. Derrick says nobody cared if they got shit in their hair, mouth whatever. He says their team did great. It was hard work but they were hustling. 50 likes that word and smiles and moves on to Team Money. He asks Nikki what her strategy was. Apparently it was to cry like a baby cause that’s what she does. 50 is appalled. He yells at her that there’s no crying in 50 Centland and he punches her in the head. Or he just listens as she mumbles that she’s proud of her team. I like my story better. She says they didn’t argue and they worked together as a team.
50 tells Team Power that it seemed that there was one person on their team who didn’t want to work. Mehgan volunteers that yes indeedy it was Nathan’s lazy ass that didn’t want to work. Nathan tries to defend himself but 50 cuts him off because he saw his one handed shit carry and is not impressed.
Curtis Johnson is gonna be so impressed.
50 Cent Magical Quote of the Night: “One handful of shit does not equal a fistful of dollars”. I am going to get Meemaw to embroider that on a pillow. If she ever sobers up.
To the results. At first glance they look pretty even. Team Money has 596 pounds. Each number painted on a shovel. 50 likes to carry a theme all the way.
Team Power has…..744 pounds of shit! They are the shittiest and they win. Yay shit!
As Team Power celebrates poor Team Money looks sad and beaten. Awww.
Nima is pissed at Derrick for saying “good job” to them. He feels that Derrick is trying to “flaunt”. No asshole Derrick was saying “good job”. He was being gracious. Shut your hole freak.
The shittiest of the shitty!
50 tells them that the winners have something “exquisite” waiting for them back at Camp Curtis. They will see how their efforts can be turned into sugar. As for the losers, he says their job is not over. He tells the winners to come with him.
Team Power arrive home freshly showered and are treated to a spa day. Massages, pedicures (I do not even want to see no nasty feet!) manicures, the works. Mehgan, braintrust that she is has had a light bulb moment. She realizes that 50 was trying to tell them something when he said sometimes you have to shovel a lot of shit to get to something sweet. She figures that all that shit shoveling was the shitty part and the spa day is the sweet part! Yay lets all clap for Mehgan. I am so glad she cleared that up for me. Dingbat.
Poor Team Money are on the back of truck on the liftgate slowly going up and looking so pitiful I have to stop typing to wipe my eyes. Seriously that shit is hilarious. Cornbreadd especially. 50 made them load the shit into the back of the truck, crawl inside and they are being driven somewhere. Guess where they are going? That would be Queens County Farm where they have to shovel the shit yet again. Cornbread is shocked and appalled. I am delighted.
Another light bulb moment! This time from Nima. He realizes that as they spread the shit around, “you can plant vegetables and grow them and thus far they can sell it and turn it into ya know, some pot of gold.” Its amazing, you’d never know that Nima thinks edamacation is not important. Who needs fancy book learnin’s?
I red a buk afore.
Back at Camp Curtis the party is still going but it has been crashed by Team Fuckup. Nima tells us his target is Derrick. He wants his ass gone and he will convince the others to vote him out. He takes a glass of champagne. This displeases Musso who tells us that Nima is a rat who has come in just to cause trouble. Nima proves him right by asking Derrick what he would do with the 100 grand. Derrick tells him none of his business. Nima says he thinks Derrick would put it into acting school. Because he thinks “all this” has been an act. He goes on to say that Derrick is trying to bullshit everyone and they all see through it. Derrick doesn’t take the bait. In confessional Nima tells us he is ruthless. More like clueless.
Early the next morning Derrick and Nima are playing pool(these people can’t even fight properly) while Rebecca is doing yoga. Looks like she’s passed out on the floor to me. Derrick tells us he wants to understand her. That means he wants to tap that ass.
Is she dead?
Rebecca tells us she is fit. Spiritually, mentally and physically. She is proving to 50 that she deserves the $100 grand because she wakes up and gets centered and focused on why she’s there. And she can touch her nose to her own hoohoo.
DaJuan thinks she’s weird. He says “To know her is not to understand her”. I understand her. She’s crackers. And not Nathan crackers. He’s just a cracker. She’s fucking nuts.
She’s centering herself.
Rebecca continues by telling us that her basic human needs are not being met. She’s not being fed organic food. And her imaginary friend Freckles is tired of being ignored. But because of her yoga and her great mental blah blah she is able to “circum” it. Here’s a couple of words for you Becky, straight jacket.
Nima tells us that Rebecca needs to quit bitching and moaning and that if 50 tells you to eat shit you have to eat shit. He’s going to expose everyone in this house. Rebecca, Precious, Derrick, Mehgan, Nikki. One by one he’s gonna take them out. He loves trouble making. I don’t know about you but I am scared people. Douche. That dude is so going home.
Guess what Nima is doing? Yep he’s trouble making. He starts in on Rebecca by saying she is “too pampered here, you need too much demand.” Does anyone on this show speak coherently? WTF?
Musso thinks Nima’s scrawny ass is funny. He says he could use him as a toothpick and he’s not a threat to any of them. Of course he says that to us, not the toothpick.
Rebecca tells us that Nima is in pain because of the amount of negative things he has to say about people and that he is actually expressing his own feelings about himself. I need to lie down.
Nathan is getting on everyone’s nerves and seriously grossing me out. He’s dancing around and shaking his belly at people. He screams at the camera “I am freakin funny!.” He thinks that in order to be a business minded person you have to be funny. Yeah cause Donald Trump is a laugh a minute. Random Thought Alert 2: WTF is up with Trumps hair? That man has a bazillion dollars and he has the worst comb over ever.
Nikki starts losing her shit and wants to know what Nathan knows about 50 Cent. Nathan begins ” Curtis Johnson is the man”. And the whole house loses it. Nobody can believe MC Cracker got 50′s last name wrong. Including me. Ryan is especially pissed and says 50 brought him in and gave him this chance and not knowing that his name is Curtis Jackson is rude and Nathan should be outta here!
Nathan just stands there nodding his head.
Holy shit. Nathan is continuing to be his annoying self when 50 walks into the room. Nathan doesn’t see him. Nima see’s 50 and takes the opportunity to ask Nathan what 50′s full name is again. Nathan says “Curtis Johnson” and yells like he’s proud of himself. Hahaha 50 is no longer amused by whitey. The whole room is silent as Nathan finally gets a clue. Nathan turns around and says “Hi”. Sound effect guy plays the sound of a heartbeat.
50 asks Nathan if he’s having fun. Nathan says he is. Then tries to save himself by saying “50 I was on a winning team and I just feel like I been backlashed you know?” 50 asks him why. Nathan says “well 50, Mr. 50 Cent everybodys been talking about me”. The dude is about to cry. He goes on to tell 50 he respects him. He really does. 50 just stares at him and Nathan slinks away. I bet he needs to change his drawers about now.
50 tells Nathan and Mehgan to follow him to his office. Now. Damn I might need to change my drawers if this keeps up. That dude is mean looking when he wants to be.
Meanwhile the room is freaking out after they leave. DaJuan put it best with “You could hear a rat pissing on cotton” when 50 walked into the room. The only thing they can’t figure out is why Mehgan was sent to office too. Cornbreadd has a theory. He says that Mehgan is a complex lady. “She doesn’t talk a lot but I think Mr. Fiddy feels she needs to step up. Show something. He not gonna let somebody stay cause they are cute”.
In The Boss’s Office 50 wants to know wtf Nathan thinks he’s doing running around acting the fool. Nathan tells him he’s just having fun. 50 wants to know how he can trust him with his money if he’s just having fun? Dumbass actually says “I don’t know”. 50 asks Mehgan what she thinks about Nathan. Mehgan thinks Nathan is fake and there for the wrong reason. Nathan tries to defend himself but damn dude, you are fucked. And stop telling people you are a Georgia boy!
I should snap your flabby ass neck.
50 asks Nathan if he hears that rain and thunder outside and if he thinks it’s just a natural occurrence. Nathan says he thinks its time to wake up and hustle. 50 says “Shut up”. Definitely gonna need a wardrobe change. 50 wants Nathan to name 2 songs he’s written. Nathan squeaks out “Straight to the bank…hahaha.” 50 doesn’t find that funny. Nathan says “that’s all I know.” Oh Lord this white boy is dead. OMG! 50 asked him why he called him Curtis Johnson and the stupid bastard actually said that its because he doesn’t know him very well. And then. THEN, 50 says “All black people look alike to you?”
I LOVE THE BLACK MAN!
OMG! OMG! OMG! I can’t take it. Just shoot him now. Get us all out of Nathan’s misery. Nathan is about to faint and says no, no, no I am not racist. Nathan’s mouth is so dry that he keeps licking his lips and his tongue gets stuck. He keeps trying to get back on track
But 50 slams his hand on the desk (causing me to jump) and says “Business!”. They stare at each other for a few seconds and 50 says “You know what Nathan? Get the fuck outta here! You been dropped”. Ya cracker ass cracker! Ok I added that part. But he does tell him to leave immediately and when Nathan tries to shake his hand 50 refuses. Mehgan is quite as a mouse and just sitting there bouncing slightly in her chair.
Nathan goes downstairs to tell everyone he’ a goner. They all scream and cry, why God why? Actually they are all happy as hell. Nathan tells us he was dropped because 50 thought he was a cutup. Whatever gets ya through the night MC Whacker. He says “It’s straight to the bank for 50 and back home to Georgia for me”. Yippie.
Back inside Mehgan tells everyone there is still an elimination to come. 50 is real. He ain’t playin’ y’all. 50 reappears in the room like Dracula. Seriously how does he keep sneaking up like that? I think he did cause the thunder and rain.
He tells Derrick and Mehgan as the Boss and Under Boss they are to pick a third person to join Nikki and Larry to be up for elimination. He then asks the terrified Camper’s if they have anything to say. A male voice says “I am happy to be here”. And then Nikki starts stammering and stuttering “Me too I am so grateful I am! I am! I really I am. Sucky, sucky love you long time. Ok I apologize for that last part. Sort of. 50 tells her to save it for elimination. I don’t want to be a stickler here but damn, he did ask.
Nikki and Larry pull some people aside to flush out which idiot they will put up. My vote is for Nima. If for no other reason than his name is stupid.
To the roof top. 50 starts to question the Camper’s. He asks Derrick if he made the right decision in Mehgan as Under Boss. Derrick says absolutely. 50 says that it was good to see Mehgan take the leadership role seriously. He also says in his world if you are a Boss or an Under Boss and you fail, you have to face his fury. He calls Nikki and Larry to step up. Now. Nikki looks like she’s about to faint. Or cry. 50 asks her what the hell was up with all the crying. He says most people seem to feel she’s an emotional wreck. He just might agree with them.
Time for Derrick to say who else from losing Team Money is going up. He names Nima. There is a God. 50 wants to know why. Derrick says he’s sneaky. Nima wishes to explain himself. He explains that he is an idiot and likes having a target on his head. 50 tells him that it seems to him that Nima is more interested in stirring up trouble than getting his money. Nima’s dumb ass says he’s not there to make friends he wants everyone to hate him. Ok. Mission accomplished. Go away now. He says it makes him feel stronger. Precious is behind him laughing. 50 tells Nima that he’s acting like a bootleg Bobby DeNiro right now. LOL 50. Good one.
He can still see you.
50 moves on to Nikki and asks her if she thinks she’s smart enough to stand beside him and she just keeps repeating “I can do this” over and over like a lunatic. And she points her finger at him. She is insane. 50 tells her not to point her finger at him, he’ll knock her ass out. But he’s laughing. Nikki laughs hysterically, probably with relief.
Larry’s up next. He says he can’t say anything bad about his team. 50 asks him what happens to losers in his world? Larry says “They don’t exist”. Nima tries one more time to plead his case and 50 says “ok playa, I’ll give you another chance. In hell.” Hahahahaha! I love him!
“Get the fuck outta here. You been dropped”.
Nima says thank you! As he’s leaving he says everybody ganged up on him and wah wah wah! Shut it whiney. Don’t let the limo door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.
50 says “One last thing. Clean this shit hole up. Ain’t no maids here”.
So what do you guys think so far? Does 50 scare y’all? Just a little?
This has been a hell of an episode. I better go change now and give Meemaw her nightcap. No I don’t mean that little hat old women wear to bed. She drinks whiskey. Bitch is hardcore. Night folks!