Blind, Deaf and Dumb

Hey gang, sorry ’bout missing last week’s 8th and Ocean recap, but turns out remodeling a kitchen is way more work than my wife made it out to be. The good news is the walls are down and the cabinets are up. The bad news is I’ve still got to finish the plumbing, install the floor and paint our new great room. Still, it could be worse. At least I’m not covering Desperate Housewives.

Or dating Heide.Before I get into this week’s episode, let’s take a quick look back at what happened in my absence: Sabrina’s face cleared up. Sort of. Also, Teddy slept with Heide, then he continued to sleep as she slunk down the Walk of Shame, otherwise known as the hallway outside Teddy’s apartment. Speaking of Teddy, when did he start wearing mascara? And finally, Sabrina actually beat out Kelly for a job, thus ramping up their sibling rivalry and propelling them to second-place on the list of most annoying reality show twins. Number One? Still the Brittenums. Okay, enough about last week. We’ve got new models to mock…

Just one of the fascinating clips you’ll find on MTV’s Overdrive.

This week’s episode starts off with Britt and Briana talking about how funny they think Teddy is. And not funny in the “he’s a funny guy” sense. More like funny in the “he rides the short bus” sense. Britt can’t figure out his game plan. First he asks her out, then he asks Heide out, and she and Heide are complete opposites. She’s married to Jesus, Heide’s a whore. Hey Britt, maybe Teddy’s just hoping you and Heide will hook up, because if there’s one thing Paula Abdul’s taught us over the years (besides not to mix Vicodin and alcohol on national TV) it’s that Opposites Attract.

Next, we get to see Teddy and Adrian lounging poolside. They have a casting in an hour. Teddy wants to see if Heide is going to the same casting, so he calls her up. He gets her voicemail, but won’t leave a message. “I’m not about messages,” he tells Adrian. “She’ll see I called and call back.” Other things Teddy’s not about: Mensa.

And they’re worried about Sabrina’s skin?

Teddy catches the attention of some girls across the pool, but Adrian isn’t into it, telling Teddy, “She looks good from afar, but up close she looks far from good.” Man, that totally sounds like Vinci wisdom. Speaking of which, anyone know what the hell happened to our favorite Latin mimbo? Maybe he’s still riding blimp… Teddy says he doesn’t know what it is about Heide, but he’s totally digging her right now. I’m guessing it’s probably the fact that she’s so easy. Seriously, I bet her vajajay has one of those Staples “Easy” Buttons on it. Teddy goes on to tell Adrian he’s actually one of those “relationship” type of guys. He loves to have fun and everything, but he really likes relationships. For a certain amount of time, of course, then he starts not to like them again. Kind of like juice boxes. He loves the little straws, but after while grows tired of the limited flavor offerings.

At the girl’s apartment, Talesha tells everyone she got a request to do a Maxim calendar shoot this Friday. That gives her just enough time for some extra squats and booty crunches, just in case someone wants to cup tha booty. All the girls are excited for Talesha. Except Tracie, who at 25 is already the old maid of the apartment. If she were a horse, I’ve no doubt Irene would’ve already had her shot.

Allee calls Briana to tell her that she, Teddy and Britt have a casting this afternoon for a Verizon commercial. While Teddy and Britt are waiting for Briana to finish her audition, Teddy’s cell phone rings. In the Verizon building. What are the odds? The call is from another booker, telling him he’ll be working with Heide on a shoot later this week. “No problem” he tells her. “I know Heide.” Britt, meanwhile, looks like she’d rather be anywhere else than listening to Teddy talk about the girl he started dating instead of her. She tries to blow it off with a squeaky laugh and a “that’s funny,” but you can tell she’s unhappy. Looks like it’ll be another lonely night remembering her Kansas roots.

Back at the model apartment, Tracie is telling Sabrina that this past year with the Irene Marie Agency feels different. Maybe it’s because she’s been there so long, or maybe it’s because she’s old and has model-Alzheimer’s. She just doesn’t know what it is, but she feels that Iron Maiden is sweeping her under the rug. Sabrina says she understands, because she felt left out when she had her skin issues, but Tracie thinks this is different. All the other girls in the apartment are 19 and 21 and 22, and they’re being fussed over. She’s 25 and is being ignored. Plus, Irene only has two or three black girls on the roster anyway, and they’re really pushing Talesha for all fashion work. “I’m sorry, but I’m only a year older than Talesha,” Tracie says. Yeah, but that’s 20 years older in model-years.

The next day, Tracie meets Irene and Sam the booker for lunch. Irene wants to know what’s wrong. Tracie is upset about not getting a shot at the Maxim calendar with Talesha, and she threatens to submit her shots to the photographer herself, or maybe she’ll just drop by the shoot. “That’s not how it works,” Irene tells her. She explains that Tracie’s card was submitted at the same time as Talesha’s, but they only wanted Talesha. Tracie says she just doesn’t want to be thought of as the older girl. Bloody Mary tells Tracie that everyone has their moment when something exciting is happening. And this isn’t hers. She’s not saying that Tracie’s career is over, but she needs to get her image right. She needs to get her body right. And then they can plan out a strategy to get her image together, because right now she’s not looking good. I just don’t get it. Tracie is no skinnier than any of the models, but she keeps getting ripped on for her weight. Irene better back off, before she gives Tracie a Gail Grinds-complex.

Sean, Teddy and Adrian are hanging out in their apartment, talking about whether Teddy and Heide should take things to the next level. Sean says Teddy has more girls than he has sneakers. Bottom line? Teddy likes Heide more than any other girl he knows right now. Adrian says that makes it sound like Teddy’s gonna marry Heide. I half-expected him to start chanting “Teddy and Heide sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G…” But then I remembered he can’t spell “kissing”.

That night, the girls are getting ready for the party. At the mirror, Tracie borrows Talesha’s eyeliner, then compares their arms, saying she’s darker than Talesha. Talesha says it’s because she hasn’t been out in the sun much. “Oh right,” Tracie says, “that’s because you’ve been working and I’ve just been laying out.” Yeah, it was a little awkward. Although not as awkward as that time in Driver’s Ed when I told this black guy named Arnette he had to take the window seat because he couldn’t get sunburned like I could. My wife’s right: I am an idiot.

Hey, it’s dinner time! And it’s Vinci! Yay! Lots of wine is consumed and lots of small talk is made while everyone waits for Briana and Teddy to show up. Briana finally makes it, sporting new hair extensions. A bit later, Teddy shows up, but still sporting the same crappy hair. Maybe he was having trouble with his mascara…

He sits down next to Heide, and immediately starts with the compliments: “You look great. Is that a new dress? Are you wearing the panties your mom picked out for you?” He asks if she’s ready to party hardcore tonight. Of course, but she has to work tomorrow morning at 9:00. “You know you have a place to crash,” Teddy tells her. If by “place to crash” Teddy means “bent over the back of a chair,” he’s actually telling the truth for once. “That’s very nice to know,” she tells him. “Yeah, it’s there,” he says, “so why not use it?” Wait, I’m confused. Is he talking about the models’ apartment or Heide’s cooter?

After dinner, the models head over to Club Prive´, which I’m going to refer to as Club Privy from now on. Britt is really upset about seeing Heide and Teddy together, and tells the twins she’s going to go home. Kelly tries to convince her to stay, but Britt says she’s not feeling well and leaves. Fortunately, she’s married to the Son of God, so He should have that frown turned upside down in no time.

Heide and Teddy…

In the club, Teddy walks away from Heide to ask where the bar is. Bad move, as the Miami Slut Machine immediately starts dirtying up the floor with some random penis. Tracie sees what’s going on, and asks Teddy what’s up with his girl. Teddy isn’t happy, but he’s not about to start trouble, as it might mess up his face. Dang, Teddy makes President Pussy look like Chuck Zito. Of course, if his face were magled, he could always be a hand model, providing he doesn’t grab a hot iron.

Heide and not Teddy…

Teddy asks Adrian what he thinks about Heide. Adrian says she’s already hit on a lot of guys tonight. She does that every time she’s partying, Teddy tells him. Other things Heide does when she’s partying: the wait-staff.

Heide and still not Teddy…

While Teddy sits and sulks, Heide heads over to Vinci. She wants to know why he and the other boys smoke so much. “Why, you don’t like it?” Vinci asks. “I don’t like kissing ashtrays,” says Heide. Ever the gentleman, Vinci says “Well, if you don’t like it, I won’t do it.” Wait a minute, that was a complete sentence. From Vinci. After he’s been drinking. I think the closed captioning people are just fucking with me now. Some other dude asks Teddy if Heide’s his girlfriend. “I like her but…she gets crazy and like hits on everybody so…” says Teddy, wondering if he should be that jealous guy right now.

Meanwhile, Vinci is making his move on Heide: “Every time I see you like…we hook up…and I’m like…wasted!” Yay! Vinci’s back!

Vinci!

After a commercial break, Heide asks Teddy if he knows where Lawrence went, as she’s promised him they wouldn’t leave without him. Teddy wants to know who Lawrence is. Uhm, that would be the guy who just made a plaster caster of your girl’s cooter, Teddy. Eventually, the three of them grab a cab and leave.

Back at the apartment, Adrian, Tracie and Kelly are in the hot tub, talking about Teddy and Heide. They are totally shocked at Heide’s behavior. Shocked, I tell you! Kelly says she’d feel like an idiot if she were Teddy, because Heide was running around grabbing people’s pee-pees… Of course, I’d feel like an idiot if I were Teddy because, well, Teddy’s an idiot. Tracie feels Heide really wants to be accepted by the other models, but Adrian says that how she’s acting is not the healthy way to be accepted. Dude, she grabbed your junk. What’s not healthy about that? Kelly says she was sitting next to Adrian when Heide grabbed his “cuckoo”. Damb, what’s with all the euphemisms? I bet Kelly asks her boyfriend to explore her “womanhood” too. Adrian says he warned him about Heide, but Teddy just wanted to “get his pickle tickled”. They all agree that maybe Teddy is just trying to get over the whole Britt thing, but he just needs to have a little more taste than what he’s showing.

“Dammit, who’s making bubbles?!

Speaking of tasteless, Heide shows up wearing a t-shirt and grimace. Next, Teddy stumbles into the hot tub, cigarette in hand, because he knows how much smoking turns Heide on. Passive-aggressive much, TEDDY? Kelly takes off, while Tracie and a random dude go jump in the pool. Ever the mother hen, Adrian says they’re crazy and to be careful lest they get frostbite. Heide wakens from her drunken stupor long enough to jump in the pool with them, leaving Teddy and Adrian alone in the hot tub. At last. And of course Teddy asks Adrian what he thinks of Heide. Adrian is incredulous. “Dude, are you blind or are you deaf?” He can’t believe Teddy’s even considering it any longer. By way of explanation, Teddy says, “But dude, I could just seriously, like, walk in and all those guys would just bow down and I’d take her…” “For sure,” Adrian agrees, acknowledging Teddy’s awesomeness. “That’s totally understandable, but there’s a point. You can dance with people, and have fun, but you just can’t take it to that next level.” And in Adrian’s eyes, that level involves grabbing other dudes’ junk in front of you.

So, what did you think of this week’s episode? Is Heide a total skank, or just a misunderstood skank? And what about Teddy? Is he really that dumb? And wouldn’t Miami Slut Machine make a great name for a band?