Breast Week Ever.

While 8th and Ocean is supposed to show us that the life of a model is harder than you’d think, this week’s episode served as a good example of how the life of a recapper is also harder than you’d think. See, we’re having our kitchen remodeled right now, which, in addition to the usual muss and fuss, also entails ripping out two entire walls. And that has essentially put our entire upstairs out of commission, including my TV. We have another TV downstairs, though, so I thought everything was still okay. But then, midway through this week’s episode of House, my TiVo kicked over to record this show, which means I missed House discovering a tic in his patient’s vajajay.

Oh well. At least tonight’s episode was all about the boobies. Boobies small (Kelly and Sabrina’s); boobies large (everyone not named Kelly and Sabrina); and boobies male (Adrian and Sean, who just acted like a couple of boobs). Wondering how many more times I can use the word “boobies” (or some derivative) in one recap? You’ll find out after the jump. We start off this week where else? Da beach. This time it’s Britt and Sabrina talking about the life of twins. Sabrina always wants to have the same look, and she never wants things to change. Sabrina is starting to sound a little too Single White Female for me.

After the stupid theme song, Allee calls Kelly to tell her she has a casting for Tecate beer. Yum, beer. She’s told to wear a bathing suit and “look hot.” Sounds good so far. Too bad she’s not told to bring a slide rule. With a nice set of nerd glasses and the right lighting, I think she could really make that work. Sitting in the waiting room is pretty awkward for Kelly, as she doesn’t know any of the other models. And, of course, she has no boobies. The photographer snaps a couple of shots of her in a red ensemble, then she’s sent on her merry way. In the car, she complains to Sabrina about all the other models having Double Ds. That’s something you’d never hear Vinci complain about.

Thanks for the mammaries.

We’d never hear Sean and Adrian complain about it either, as they’re busy making approving noises at every pair that jiggles by them on the street. Adrian has a “request casting” for Passions, the NBC soap opera best known for gratuitous use of magic and little people in the form of Timmy, a living doll. Yeah, this totally sounds right up Adrian’s alley. (I bet Up Adrian’s Alley would make a good name for a gay porno.) Sean gets Passions confused with an imaginary soap opera that has Wolverine coming out of a closet (insert your own Hugh Jackman joke here). Man, TV sounds a lot more interesting in Sean’s world.

That’s some bad hat, Harry.

Adrian tells Sean that the bookers sent his package out, and NBC was all like, “Oh my god, we need him!” This just shows how much better models have it than the rest of us. Because whenever I’ve sent my package out, I haven’t had quite the same results. Well, except for that Halloween when I poked a hole in the bottom of the candy bowl and set it in my lap. As you might expect, hilarity ensued.

Ah, good times.

Meanwhile, back at the agency, Kelly is having a heart-to-heart with Bloody Mary about her boobs. Seems she’s been thinking about breast enhancements for a long time, and wants her boss’ take on the idea. Iron Eagle wants to know why. Kelly says she’s doing it for her, as she’s had this insecurity for a while. Fortunately, Irene is personal friends with the best plastic surgeon in south Florida (I know, what are the odds?), and says she’ll put in a call for Kelly. She’ll even take her there herself if need be, as she found a small area on her face this morning where she actually has feeling, so she needs a quick Botox fix.

Irene warns Kelly she’ll be taking a step out of the identity of the twins, and wants to make sure she knows what she’s getting into. Kelly’s okay with that, as she’s more independent than Sabrina, and she wishes Sabrina would become her own person and grow more character on her own. And I bet Sabrina’s twin getting a boob job will be just the kick in the ass she needs.

Later, at a shoot for Vanidades (translation: Mosquito-bitten Girls), Kelly has trouble with her lack of boobies, so the photographer asks her to remove her bra and switch to a different dress. Back at the agency, Irene is telling her bookers that Kelly is thinking about a boob job, which surprises everyone, as they’d always thought Sabrina was the insecure one. As Suzy puts it, Sabrina is a “walking insecurity.” Iron Maiden says they’ll just have to watch and see what happens to the dynamics between the girls, as a definite shift is in the air. This prompts Suzy to emit a small laugh that sounds like Elmer Fudd with a tracheotomy. Weird.

Outside, Adrian and Sean are practicing for Adrian’s casting. His character is named Andre, which of course brings back fond memories of Tim Gunn. If only Tim were here now, this segment might be more interesting, because Sean and Adrian are definitely not making it work. Sean thinks Adrian has a breakthrough, however, when he delivers the line “I felt molten fire in my bones.” Unfortunately, his delivery is so cheesy it made me feel molten fire in my ass. Although it does remind me of how much I miss White Castles.

Finally, it’s time for the real audition. To motivate his young stead, Sean says if he doesn’t see Adrian on Passions he’s going to pimp-slap him. Don’t take him too seriously, though, Adrian. Sean says that to all his bitches. Adrian’s casting goes okay, although the “molten fire” line still makes me giggle before running to the bathroom, cheeks aclenched.

PASSIONS!

Later that night, Irene meets the twins to talk about their breastesses. It’s a big step for Kelly, she says, and in a way, it’s also a big step for Sabrina. One which she’s not ready to take. Although technically, she’s not really taking it, as Kelly’s the one going under the knife. Whatev. Sabrina says she feels left behind. She’s used to being identical, and always being on the same page, and now Kelly is moving on to a new chapter without her. Maybe they can do it together, she suggests, so they’ll still be in the same boat, thus delivering her third cliche in the same whine. Kelly just rolls her eyes and says they don’t need to do it together. In Kelly’s mind, they’re each other’s competition, and her new boobs will help separate them. Sabrina prefers to think that she and Kelly are “partners in crime”. I tend to agree with Sabrina, as tonight they’ve stolen my will to live.

Sabrina is back on da beach, this time with Tracie, talking about the Kelly situation. Sabrina doesn’t even know where to begin, and feels like she’s going through a “quarter-life crisis”. What Kelly is thinking about having done is a big deal in the twin world, Sabrina says. Is it just me, or do you get the feeling Sabrina would be more happy if they were more like these twins?

Sean and Teddy are also at the beach, waiting for a volleyball court to open up. Which reminds me, where’s Vinci, dammit?! I’m tired of the producers always making him ride blimp. Teddy tells Sean he heard Kelly was thinking about “getting her boobs done up a couple of sizes, bro.” Sean doesn’t understand why, as he thinks Kelly is hot the way she is. Still, he agrees that “a little more handful won’t kill anybody.” Sure, that’s easy to say now. But just wait until someone loses an eye.

Kelly’s an A-cup now, and the guys think that going too big would look bad, so maybe she should consider a small C-cup. Teddy says she has a nice little body as it is, but the new boobs will be nice. “I’ll buy her dinner if she gets a C-cup,” he tells Sean. What he doesn’t tell Sean is that he’ll be making his signature dish, “Spateddy and meatballs,” which is really just a cheap copy of my Halloween trick.

Back at the agency, Iron woMan and Allee are watching Adrian’s casting tape. They’re both shocked at how well they think he did. They’re even more shocked that he was prepared and actually learned his lines. “I did not expect that at all,” says Irene. “I have this “Ahh” on my face.” Nothing a few more nips and tucks won’t take care of, though. She feels Adrian would be good in the states, but they’d really love him in the telenovelas, which I just learned are Spanish soap operas. See, TV can teach you things. Well, technically the Internets taught me, but that’s really discounting the role television played in leading me to the Internets. Yay TV!

Allee calls Adrian to tell him they thought he did a really good job. She says if the producers like him, they’ll call right away. Since they haven’t called, they must not have liked him. Still, Allee says there’ll be lots more auditions and to keep up the good work. Adrian hangs up and lets out a celebratory “whoo!” And somewhere in the Carolinas, Ric Flair’s ears prick up just a tiny bit. (Ooh, I just realized I used the words “Ric Flair’s” and “prick” in the same sentence. Sorry ’bout that.)

Finally, it’s time for the Reanimator to take the twins to see the surgeon, Dr. Lenny. He leads Kelly into another room and takes a look at her chest. “You’re a pretty petite girl,” he tells her. “You don’t want to get too crazy, do you?” Kelly is a bit verklempt, so Irene says she thinks a “normal, normal” B-cup would be good. Just one size bigger? What a rip. If you’re already gonna have ‘em cut open, I’d say you at least have to go up two sizes. Otherwise, it’s just a waste of anesthesia. Kelly agrees with Irene, saying she still wants to look small up top, but just with a little “something”. Hell, why not just get a third boob? That’d certainly qualify as a little something. Dr. Lenny is disappointed, as he was counting on this surgery to help him buy a new boat, but I’m sure he’ll make up for it with Irene’s next skin transplant. The episode ends with Kelly telling Irene she’s 98-99 percent ready to have her boobs done, while Sabrina sits in the back of the car, choking back tears.

Would you trust your breasts to this man?

So what did you think of this week’s show? Personally, I never thought watching girls talk about boobs could be boring, but I’ve got to hand it to the producers for pulling it off. And for inspiring guys across the country to not want to pull it off.