“I hate you.” “I hate you more.”
I can’t believe season one of 8th and Ocean is over after just ten episodes. Why only ten? Because The Man would never give models a full 22. Of course, in model time, ten weeks is at least three years, so overall the show had a pretty nice run. It’s just too bad that by the time next season rolls around, at least half the cast will look older than David Bowie’s character in The Hunger. (Although that’s still decades younger than Irene Marie.) Oh well, at least the season ended with some great twin-on-twin action. Not to mention an exciting new roommate for the girls. (And this one’s not even battery-powered.)
Tonight’s episode starts off with the girls talking about whether or not they’ve ever had to kiss someone as part of a shoot before. Britt once had to straddle a guy and pretend they were in bed, but she’s never had to kiss someone. For the record, how does one “pretend” to be in bed? Was this shoot for Mimes Illustrated? Because that would totally rule. I don’t know about you, but I find the idea of Britt miming a hand-job to be strangely erotic. Briana says when she was younger, she had to make out with two guys for a shoot she was doing for Glamour. I wonder if they were considered Glamour shots? (Rimshot.) Later, when the issue comes out, she learns the photos were for an article called “How to Win the War on STDs”. Wow, another shot with great mime potential. Speaking of mimes, wouldn’t you just love to see Vinci’s! take on doing walking against the wind?
“I have nipples. Could you milk me?”
Teddy and Heide are sunning themselves, talking about work. Heide’s booked with Italian Cosmo the next two days, so she needs a place to stay that night or the next. After her behavior a few weeks back, I’m surprised she thinks Teddy will say yes, but one can never underestimate the power of the vaginal “Easy” button. She also thinks they should go work out. Teddy asks if it’s so she can “cleanse” herself. Dude, she said work out, not douche. Although I can see why your mind went there first. Heide asks what he means by that, and he says it’s just the way she acts. “I don’t think you even know me,” she tells Teddy. “I don’t think you know me,” he snaps back. Maybe that’s because Teddy always has his guard up all the time. Teddy says there’s no guard; he’s just totally honest all the time. And he never wears eyeliner either; his eyes naturally look that way. While we’re on the subject of honesty, Teddy tells Heide he honestly doesn’t want a relationship right now. He’s just out to have some fun. That’s too bad, because Heide says she’s sick of playing around and wants to settle down. Ah, honesty…
That night, the girls are upstairs having drinkie-drinks. Kelly and Sabrina are telling the rest of the coven that they’re shooting an Acuvue commercial together. Sabrina is quick to add that they’re making $12,500. She doesn’t say if it’s apiece or not, though. Either way, it definitely calls for more drinks. At the bar, they start talking about who has the best features of the people they live with. Briana says if she could take anything from anyone, it would be two things: Talesha’s boobs. Good choices. Next, she says it’s impossible for Sabrina to take a bad photograph. Passive-aggressive Kelly agrees, throwing an arm around her twin and saying she’s the skinniest person she knows, except for some church girl. Surely she’s not talking about Charlotte Church.
The next day, Britt goes to a casting for a fragrance called “Madly in Love.” The photographers want Britt to act all hot and bothered with some blonde guy. It’s kind of funny that Britt has no trouble dry-humping a total stranger, but draws the line at kissing. It’s like she’s living the Pretty Woman script. Without all the whoring around, of course. After she’s done teasing Blondie, she learns the photographers want her to dry hump one more guy: Teddy. The photographers are glad to learn Britt and Teddy know each other, because they feel it’s easier to fake it with someone you know. Heck, if they wanted people who could fake it with each other, they should’ve hired a married couple.
Britt is clearly uncomfortable with Teddy, and the photographers dismiss the two after a few awkward hugs. And thank goodness. Angelina and her creepy brother had better chemistry than these two do. Britt immediately runs back upstairs to tell Talesha about the casting. First she talks about faking out with the blonde guy, then complains that she also had to do it with Teddy. This makes Talesha laugh, before breaking out into a quick refrain from “Teddy’s Dreams Came True…” Britt thinks the whole thing was weird, and she really doesn’t want to get cast with Teddy, cuz she’s afraid she might have to kiss him. Talesha guesses that Britt likes Teddy, which only causes Britt to roll her eyes heavenward to the one man with whom she’s never faked it: Mel Gibson.
The blond boy’s a loser!
The next day, Britt stops by the agency to see who she’ll be shooting with. Suzy says it’ll either be Teddy or Tyler, the blond guy. While Britt knows it’s her job to fake it with whomever the client picks, she asks Suzy if she can tell the photographer she doesn’t want to kiss anyone. “I don’t think you’re going to be, like, tonguing some dude,” Suzy says. She’s further confused when Britt says it’s just Teddy she wouldn’t feel comfortable kissing. “So if it’s Tyler you’ll kiss him, but not Teddy?” she asks. Of course not, but since Britt has to see Teddy all the time, she just doesn’t want to kiss him. The bookers get a good chuckle out of Britt’s reluctance, but Suzy finally agrees to pass on the message. After Britt leaves, Suzy tells Brigitte she can’t understand what the big deal about kissing Teddy is: “Britt should just close her eyes and pretend it’s Jesus.” Ha ha!! I take back every mean thing I’ve ever written about Suzy.
Teddy and Sean are talking about the casting. And for once, they’re not faux-playing any ball-oriented sport. Instead, they’re faux-chilling on the boardwalk. Teddy says Britt and Tyler looked really good together, but Britt was really awkward when she had to work with him. “Women are funny like that, man,” Sean says. Sean tells Teddy he needs to let Britt know he’s not with Heide any more. That way she can see him in a different light. Yeah, the light of being STD-free. “Drop the science on her, man,” is Sean’s last bit of advice. Other things Teddy should drop: a full course of Tetracycline.
Hey look, it’s the twins! And they’re fighting! Kelly wants to smack Sabrina because they’re already seven minutes late for their Acuvue commercial. During the ride to the shoot, Allee calls and tells them they’ll be shooting both double and single shots. Once they arrive, the twins give a less-than-convincing apology to Acuvue for being late before being shuffled off to hair and makeup. Sabrina takes a call from the agency about a job with Dillard’s, which she really wants, while Kelly looks on wistfully. And by wistfully, of course, I mean homicidally.
After several shots together, the client asks to see the Polaroids: “Let me see the Polaroids. It makes such a difference when you see the Polaroids.” I think she just likes the smell. After viewing a few shots, she decides that Sabrina is the clear star of the shoot, and tells the photographer she wants to concentrate on her. The photographer tells the twins it’s time for some singles, which prompts Kelly to tell Sabrina “I don’t think you have a singles.” What does that even mean? Oh, it must mean Kelly just got served, because the photographer tells her to go hide in her cave while she shoots Sabrina. During the entire shoot, Kelly makes pissy little pouty faces at her sister. The entire segment is totally awesome. (To see the final results of their work, click here.)
Not even Barbara Walters’ patented Foggy-NightTM Lens can help Irene Marie.
Back at the agency, Irene Marie is running a staff meeting. Suzy says there’s a bed available at the model’s apartment now that Tracie’s gone. None of the bookers have any new blood coming into town, which disappoints Brigitte, as it looks like she could use a new transfusion. Irene says she really wants someone new to move in with the girls, and she’ll make a decision sometime soon. Please let it be Heide! Please let it be Heide! Please let it be Heide!
Britt and Talesha are sitting outside talking when Britt takes a call from the agency. She got the fragrance job, and she’ll be working with Tyler instead of Teddy. Oh, thank Husband!
Back at the apartment, the twins are trying to open a can of tuna. And while they’re not having much luck, at least they don’t ask if it’s chicken. It looks like they’re making tuna salad, although with the amount of onions they’re putting in, they might be making onion salad.
At the agency, Suzy takes a call from Dillard’s: they want to book Kelly over Sabrina for their next shoot, even though they had an option on Sabrina and not on Kelly. As Suzy says, Sabrina is going to freak out, since Kelly just took over her client. As Shaggy says, zoinks!
When Suzy calls to break the news, Kelly can’t believe they want her and not Sabrina. Neither can Sabrina. Of course, Kelly can’t help but rub it in and laugh at her twin. Because that’s how models roll on the bitchy side of the street. Sabrina is really upset, but Kelly blows her sister’s feelings off, saying Sabrina is just trying to make her feel like shit when she should be happy. Poor Sabrina feels like she’s never going to have her own thing going. “Maybe you won’t,” says Kelly. “Maybe you won’t.” Wait a minute: didn’t Sabrina just have her own thing going at the Acuvue shoot? And just a couple episodes back, didn’t she get picked over Kelly at another shoot? We should start calling these two the goldfish twins. I’m surprised they can even remember to wipe their own tooshies.
Later, while driving somewhere, Sabrina gets a phone call. She tells the mystery caller that she’s supposed to have dinner with Kelly later, but on second thought, scratch dinner. She’s sick of being with her sister. And then the camera swings over to reveal Kelly’s sitting in the passenger seat. Yes! Kelly says Sabrina is the one being negative, not her. “Leave me alone!” Sabs yells back. “I can be negative.” Kelly says she’s just being a bitch right now. Pot, kettle, black. They keep bitching and screaming at each other a few more minutes, but my guy gene kicks in and all I hear are the adults from Peanuts. I bet these two were tons of fun on cross-country family vacations when they were younger. Finally, they both agree they’re sick of each other, and they need to spend some time apart. And then sad model music comes on.
Back at the apartment, Teddy is talking on the phone with some dude (we know it’s a dude because he calls him “dude” several times), when Britt stops by. Teddy wants to know what was up at the casting the other day, when she was so uncomfortable faking it with him. She says it was just weird. Following Sean’s advice, Teddy tells Britt that he and Heide aren’t together any longer. And that he’s now 95% STD-free. Although his pee still smells really funny. Okay, he didn’t say his pee smells funny. But you know it does. Teddy says he finally understands what Britt meant when she said he partied too much. His time at the free clinic has made him realize the error of his ways. Teddy still looking for that sweet girl, and he wants to know, bottom line, if all the drama hadn’t gone on, if Britt thinks there’d be any chemistry between them. Britt says she doesn’t know, which renews Teddy’s hope for beating out the Son of God for the first shot at Britt’s vajajay.
Adrian and Vinci! are talking about the vacancy in the girls’ apartment, which is inter-cut with scenes of a mystery girl moving in. Adrian says he wants something different than the girls already in the apartment. “Doesn’t have to be any preference,” he says. “She just has to be hot. And have a little booty.” For the cupping, of course. Vinci! says the new girl just has to be beautiful. And funny. And open-minded. Is that too much to ask? Not if you’re Vinci!
Finally, the mystery girl is revealed: it’s Heide!!! Yay!!! Thank you Britt’s Husband!
So, what did you think of tonight’s season finale? About the first season overall? And what does fate have in store for our group of young beauties next season? Will Heide give Britt her first kiss? Will Teddy land an eyeliner contract? Will Briana ever be a featured player? Will the twins reconcile, since they’ve no doubt already forgotten about their last fight? Will Brigitte lead the bookers to victory in their centuries-long battle with the Lycans?