Cup That Booty

Ever wonder what it’s really like to try and make it in the cutthroat world of professional modeling? Yeah, me neither, but MTV seems to think enough people are curious that they created 8th and Ocean just to show us it’s not all puppies and cream. Sometimes, in fact, it’s just the opposite. That’s right, sometimes it’s cream and puppies.

In this show, ten models from the elite Miami-based Irene Marie Agency are put up in two apartments in the heart of South Beach. It’s no free ride, however. If the models can’t get booked, they can’t get paid. And if they can’t get paid, they can’t pay the rent. And if they can’t pay the rent, they have to take a ride on the Next bus, which I happened to catch a few minutes of after watching tonight’s premiere. I don’t know if any of you have had the misfortune of watching this show, but if I had to describe Next in one word or less, that word would be “assy”. 8th and Ocean’s opening is narrated by Suzy, a booking agent for Irene Marie. After setting up the premise, Suzy introduces us to our first model: Britt, a sheltered vixen from Kansas City. We know she’s sheltered because she admits she was homeschooled, has never been to a club and has never seen someone dance except on TV. Oh, and she’s a model with an intact hymen. (Okay, I’m guessing about that part. She could just be a SecondVirgin^TM.)

That one’s going in his “special” collection.

Since tonight’s episode is entitled “Sibling Rivalry”, I guess it’s time to meet the twins, Sabrina and Kelly. They’re at a casting call for an eight-page spread in Ocean Drive magazine. I’ve never been to a casting call, but this one looks pretty much like what I always imagined the casting call for those old Calvin Klein parody porn commercials were like. Kelly comes in, shows her book to the casting agents, strips down to her bikini for a couple of shots, then is sent on her way. Her twin sister Sabrina is in next. Something’s wrong with Sabrina, however, as she’s not even asked to take off her ironic sweat-suit jacket, let alone strip down to her skivs.

After the twins leave, the casting agents ask Suzy which she thinks would be better for their shoot. Based on personality, Suzy says Kelly will “give it to them more” right now than Sabrina. All of Sabrina’s tests have been coming back “dead in the eyes” she says. Maybe Sabrina really is doing porn.

Britt enters the models’ apartment for the first time, where she meets Briana, one of her roommates. Briana peppers her with questions about where she’s from, how old she is, etc., but she seems more interested in playing with her hair than any of Britt’s answers. Kelly and Sabrina show up and ask Britt the same questions. There’s a really awkward silence when Britt tells the twins she’s from Kansas City, which she tries to fill by asking if they’re twins. Models are so silly. Briana asks how their casting call went. “We didn’t get it because we’re too pretty,” explains Kelly. “They wanted average-looking people.” Damb. Why didn’t anyone call me or EdHill? Britt asks about the guys’ apartment, which gives us a good segue to meet the male models.

In Asslandia, all cups runneth over with bootay.

Vinci, Teddy, Adrian and Sean are sitting in the apartment sharing a Metamucil pizza. Adrian’s talking about going out later that night. He wants to go somewhere where there’s “anus everywhere, nice bootay…” He promises to call Sean once he’s reached the mythical land of Asslandia. Teddy asks Adrian if he’s so into the bootay, why was he home last night when the other guys were out. Adrian blames it on Sean, saying he doesn’t know how to use a phone. Since Sean’s a model, I’m inclined to believe this. However, Sean says it was because when he’s surrounded by beautiful women, another dude is the last thing on his mind. How pretty he is in comparison to other dudes, maybe. But just another dude? Never.

It’s time to go out. One of the mimbos says it’s a well-known fact that if you go to a club with girls, you attract girls, so they’re going to get the girls. That’s funny, because whenever I go to a club with mrs. copygodd, she seems to attract way more attention than I do. Although I do get more stares.

“Don’t tell me the bandanna isn’t coming back!”

Sabrina and Kelly are fighting about the clothes they’re going to wear tonight. Kelly doesn’t like Sabrina’s shirt, and Sabrina doesn’t like Kelly’s bandanna. At least they’re not wearing matching clothes like most twins do. Britt decides to stay home, which will probably be happening a lot this season. Especially after seeing the previews where she tells people that Jesus is her husband. I imagine that’s a real buzz-kill for anyone trying to pick her up. “I’m sorry, I’m married.” “Oh really, where’s your husband?” “Sitting at the right hand of God.”

The next morning, Sabrina is called into Irene Marie’s office. And she’s wearing the same outfit she wore to yesterday’s casting call. I can’t believe the security guards let her in the building. Irene Marie is one scary looking lady. I believe for now I shall call her the Iron Maiden. Iron Maiden tells Sabrina her book is a mess. Her pictures have no life. Her eyes look dead. And that was the good news. Sabrina tells Iron the photographer took better pics of her sister, and that made her a little nervous. Besides, she’s used to being given directions, and this photographer had the gall to not tell her what to do. Ooh, the nerve! “Let’s get one thing straight,” Ms. Maiden tells her. “When you’re getting paid to be a model, you’re the one who’s supposed to know what to do.” That makes Sabrina cry. Iron Maiden decides to give her another chance, and sets up a new test shot to see if she can appear less cadaveresque.

Those who can, do. Those who cannot, open a modeling agency.

Back at the apartment, Sabrina tells Kelly about her meeting with the Iron one. Kelly wants to know if the boss just didn’t like the shots, or if she was saying Sabrina didn’t know how to model. Sabrina tells Kelly she was all like, “you don’t have a personality, it shows in your pics, you’re blah and you’re boring…” Kelly tells Sabrina to “just improve. Just loosen up and don’t think about it so much.” Ironically, that’s the same advice sg-dub’s wife gave him on their honeymoon.

Teddy and Sean are sunning themselves by the pool, talking about recent jobs. Teddy just had one where he had to take a shower with a girl wearing a Speedo. (Teddy, not the girl.) They also had to do a kissing scene. Sean asks Teddy if he “cupped the booty.” Alas, Teddy did not “cup the booty.” Sean can’t believe Teddy did not “cup the booty.” He asks Teddy if he got a hard-on. Teddy says he didn’t know. Okay, I call shenanigans on this one. Even with my tiny Irish peepee, I know when my junk is in motion. Mayhaps Teddy has no junk…?

Back upstairs, Britt is talking with the twins (doesn’t that sound like she’s talking to her breastesses?) about going out to ‘da club. Britt admits she’s never been to a club before, doesn’t know how to dance and is afraid everyone thinks she’s a loser. Well, we didn’t before now. But then you admitted you’d never been to a club and didn’t know how to dance. So yeah, I guess we do all think you’re a loser. Loser. The other girls volunteer to dance while they’re getting ready so Britt can “observe” and hopefully learn a thing or two. Come on, no girls are that nice. I don’t trust them one bit. Why do I get the feeling Britt will be bathing in pig’s blood before this night is over? At the club, Britt finally gets up the nerve to dance with Adrian. Unfortunately, the camera’s cut off before we got to see any booty cupping.

The next morning, Iron Maiden places a call to Navid, a photographer, about the living dead girl. “If there’s anyone who can bring a girl out, it’s you, Navid,” she tells him. From the looks of Navid, I’m guessing the only thing he’s going to bring Sabrina out of is the closet. Is every photographer on this show going to be a fat sweaty guy? I hope so, because as far as I’m concerned, you can never make too many fat sweaty photographer jokes.

Sabrina is modeling today with Adrian. Navid tells the two the more they trust in what he tells them to do, the better the pics will look. To prove it, he tells Adrian to “cup the booty.” You know, he’s right. That does look better. Actually, Navid just has his assistant hose down the young couple. Then he turns on the fan. Sabrina looks miserable, and keeps moving her head, despite Navid’s constant nagging to stop moving her head, because every time she does it messes up the way he’s placed her hair across Adrian’s head, prompting him to yell “I lost the hair again!” over and over. Finally, they get a couple of good shots, and celebrate by jumping in the pool, fully clothed. Which is exactly what I always do when I’m cold.

Modeling is hard.

Later, Sabrina tells Kelly about the shoot, and how cold it was, and how she got to do a shower scene with Adrian. (What is it with all the shower scenes?) Overall, Sabrina seems really pleased with the results of her shoot. Which makes this the perfect time for Kelly to kill her buzz by announcing she got the eight-page spread in Ocean Drive magazine. You know, the one she said they wanted average-looking people for? Yeah, that one. But wait, it gets worse for young Sabrina. Because Kelly is sending her to take her place tomorrow on a Mexican casting call. (I always wondered if twin models did this. Now I know.) And she’s not even going to get paid for it.

Iron Maiden meets with Sabrina to go over her new photographs. Sabrina has a very strong contact with the camera in these shots. However, the Maiden feels Sabrina still could’ve had a better connection with Adrian. Maybe moved her hands through his hair. “Did you even try cupping the booty?” she asks.

Irene demonstrates the actual size of a model’s brain.

Sabrina says the bad poses are all Navid’s fault. It’s the pose he “made them have.” Everything on the page is from Navid’s direction. Iron Maiden understands that, but she’s trying to teach Sabrina how to interact with the photographer. She guarantees that had Sabrina suggested something to Navid, he’d have been thrilled. Still, she throws Sabrina a bone and tells her she’s improved a tad since their last session.

Kelly calls Sabrina from the set of her fabulous Ocean Drive shoot. While we’re watching Sabrina look longingly at her sister getting made up and making out, we hear the Iron one talking with Suzy about the Kelly/Sabrina situation. She feels Sabrina is too intimidated by her stronger twin. Her solution? Separate the twins this summer. Send them to Europe, with one going to one country, and the other going to another. Unfortunately, this is the same tactic the Maid uses to solve every conflict in her life. In fact, her two cats, Miss Buttons and Mr. Boots, have been spending time apart in The Duchy of Grand Fenwick and Mypos ever since last year’s unfortunate “yarn incident.”

The show ends with Iron warning us that if Sabrina doesn’t get out her shell and start showing the camera a little bit of something, she’s not going to go anywhere in this business.

So, what do you think of MTV’s latest offering? Good, bad, ugly?