First off let me say thanks to EdHill for covering 8th and Ocean in my absence last week. I return from Vegas a poorer, yet humbler, man. (Thanks a lot, OHIO STATE.) I think you’ll agree Ed did an admirable job. It’s just too bad he got stuck covering the Christian episode and not tonight’s Zitacular, as I’ve always found working cooter and Christ into the same sentence to be a bit tricky. Short of “Christ, that’s one cute cooter,” of course.
Speaking of everyone’s favorite Savior, tonight’s episode starts off with His blushing bride Britt paying a visit to Teddy in the male models’ apartment. I’m guessing Jesus must be spending too much time at the office, because Britt looks like she wants a little of what Teddy’s cooking, if you know what I mean. If you don’t, it means she wants her booty cupped. But inexplicably Teddy starts talking about how he doesn’t date models because they’re all stuck up and stuff. He says that Britt is different ” awesome, in fact ” but the damage has been done, and Britt says she doesn’t date models either. Unless they’re “Model’s for Christ,” of course. But that’s different, because it’s not really dating as much as it is the sharing of Jesus’ sloppy seconds. Meanwhile, the Kelly-Sabrina sibling rivalry is in full effect, as the Iron Maiden asks the girls if they’re ready to leave the twin thing behind and start moving on to their own identity. Kelly thinks since they photograph differently (ie she does it well and Sabrina sucks) they should go their separate ways. Sabrina, of course, having no talent of her own, thinks Kelly should continue to let her leech. “Why separate now?” Sabrina wants to know. Uhm, because I’ve seen better morgue shots than what you have in your book, and your face is beginning to resemble a youngish Manuel Noriega. Yes, Sabrina’s acne is acting up again. In fact, it’s gotten so bad that the agency won’t send her on any more casting calls until it clears up. She tells the boss that she’s on antibiotics for the problem, but admits that it’ll get worse before it gets better. And that won’t happen for another three to four weeks. In the meantime, I don’t understand why the Iron Sheik just doesn’t market the girls as acne models, with Sabrina as the “Before” and Kelly as the “After”. But that’s why I work for TVgasm and not in the high-stakes world of professional modeling.
After the girls leave, Iron Eagle tells her booking agents that Sabrina’s skin is “bad news.” She forbids the agents from sending her on any more casting calls until it clears up. “It’s really not acceptable for a model to walk around with skin like that,” she says. Excuse me, but has she looked in a mirror lately? Her skin is so tight Dick Cheney could bounce a load of birdshot off it.
The Many Faces of Irene Marie.
You know, I had a friend who told me that the best way to clear up acne was to get laid. I used to think this was just a line, but then this girl we knew with horrible skin started getting her booty cupped on a regular basis, and just like that, her skin cleared up. So I’m thinking all Sabrina needs to do is pour that booty into Sean’s cup and viola, problem solved.
Speaking of our favorite booty cuppers, the guys are outside tossing a ball and talking booty. Teddy admits to Sean he’s got his eyes on Britt, and Sean gives him his blessing. “She’s a cutie,” he says. “And she’s a good girl.” Sean advises Teddy to take his time. Don’t try to get in her panties right off, he says. “In the world of modeling, first you get into her mind. Then, when you get into her mind, you get into her heart. Then when you get into her heart, then you get into her panties.” Sean is so rico suave.
Upstairs, one of the booking agents calls and breaks the news to Sabrina: no more casting calls until her skin actually resembles human skin again. Sabrina tries to plead her case, telling the agent her skin is now about a 3.5 out of 10 on the Fujita Scale of Zit Intensity. Once she hangs up, the staff share a hearty guffaw at Sabrina’s expense, agreeing her skin is at least a 9.5.
Remember Adrian? Me neither. Especially now that he’s cut off his locks. But our next segment focuses on a disagreement between he and Tino, his booker, over an unauthorized hair cut. Seems Mr. T is none too pleased about Adrian’s new ‘do. In fact, the old guy bitch-slaps Adrian for getting a haircut without asking permission. Seems Tino just put six new shots in Adrian’s book, all of which feature his long, curly hair. Tino says Adrian needs to get his shit together, and they need to communicate more. “Every time I tell you something, your only reaction is ‘cool’ “, he says. And getting a haircut without Tino’s sayso is definitely not cool. You know what else Tino thinks isn’t cool? Wearing sunglasses inside. So he rips off Adrian’s glasses, telling him it’s “rude” to wear them. To his credit, Adrian doesn’t say “cool”, but he does smile, which just frustrates Tino even more. “Don’t smile,” he admonishes Adrian. “It’s not funny.” Actually, it kind of is.
Back at the apartment, Britt is sitting poolside, admiring Jesus’ boobs. Teddy soon joins her. Britt can’t believe Teddy just got out of bed, as it’s 2:20 in the afternoon. Teddy says he didn’t go out last night, he just didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. A model’s life is hard. When asked about her plans for the evening, Britt says it’s a girl’s night out, which doesn’t make Teddy happy. He thinks partying is a good way to bond. When everyone’s drinking and loose and laid back, that’s when he’s made some of his best friends. Britt disagrees, but says all the girls are curious about Teddy and why he’s so quiet, so maybe he can go with them tonight. Evidently Britt must think Teddy is too boring as well, as she gets up and walks into the pool, leaving Teddy alone with his cigarette. His cigarette and a dream.
That night, the girls are doing each other’s hair and talking about Teddy. Briana says Teddy’s cool, and he can hang with them if he wants. Kelly talks about how nervous Teddy was about kissing her at their Ocean Drive shoot a while back. He even told Kelly he hasn’t kissed many girls. “He’s just shy.” Sabrina says that with his good looks, Teddy could be really cocky and arrogant, but he’s not. “He’s got a good package,” she concludes, telling Britt to just “let it roll.” A minute later, Talesha says Sabrina didn’t mean that package, and all the girls share a laugh at the expense of Teddy’s package. Heheh. I just said “package” twice in the same sentence.
The next day, it’s time for some more drama, as Allee calls the girls’ apartment and sends Britt, Briana and Kelly to a “skin and beauty” casting with French Vogue. We know there’s going to be trouble when Allee, 1) doesn’t invite Sabrina, because of her skin, and 2) tells the girls the photographer they’re meeting is “a bit odd”. In my business, I’ve worked with several photographers over the years. And they’re all more than a bit odd. Saying a photographer is a “bit odd” is like saying I’m a “bit bitter.” So of course I can’t wait to see the nutjob they’ll be meeting.
Sabrina’s feelings are hurt by Allee’s snub, and she can’t believe Kelly got asked and not her, just because of her skin. Hello, it’s a “skin and beauty” casting, not tryouts for the role of Alli, the Alligator-Faced Girl. In the best passive-aggressive move of the night, Kelly tells Sabrina to attend the session anyway. “Oh I will,” snaps Sabrina. “They’re not going to tell me I can’t do these things.” Yeah, Sabrina, who do they think they are, your BOSSES?
“I am, how you say, ‘freeballing’.”
The girls show up at the casting, and Allee was right. This guy is a nutjob. It doesn’t help that he looks like the love child of Sideshow Bob and Justin Guarini, but then he asks the girls a string of seemingly random questions that make me feel more than a little ashamed of my gender. To Kelly: “Do you speak English? Can you swim? Underwater? What drives the boys wild about you?” Kelly tells him she doesn’t know, maybe that she’s a good girl? “Yeah, maybe that’s what they like,” Sideshow Justin says, before asking his assistant for some lotion and a couple tissues. To Sabrina: “Are you friends? Twins? Who’s the smarter one? What’s the wildest thing you ever did? Do you two photograph one another? You’re twins, huh? I’m gonna have to write that down,” before requesting a pair of salad tongs, a mincemeat pie, a shammy and a mop. Needless to say, the girls quickly got the fuck out of Dodge.
Back at the office, Allee tells Suzy that Sabrina went to the casting, which really pisses Suzy off. While the girls are at lunch, Suzy calls and lays into Sabrina about her zittle escapade. Evidently, this casting only happens four times a year, and the next time all the photographer will remember about Sabrina is how messed up her skin was today, and won’t book her. I can’t believe a fashion photographer would be so shallow. Sabrina throws the phone down, starts crying and runs to the bathroom, with Kelly right behind her. Meanwhile, Suzy is still on the phone, and you can hear her tinny phone voice asking “Hello? Hello?” while Briana and Britt just stare at each other. Suzy tells Allee it must be a mistake, that Sabrina would never just blow her off like that, so she hangs up and calls back. This time Briana answers the phone, which totally throws Suzy off her game; she actually asks if she called Briana by mistake. Briana says no, that she just answered Sabrina’s phone because Sabrina’s in the bathroom crying like a little bitch.
“Can you hear me now, bitch?!”
While the camera doesn’t take us into the bathroom, we do get subtitles of the twins’ conversation. Sabrina says her skin is just as good as Kelly’s. Kelly’s response? “We’re not the same, you know? Get it straight. Literally.” Then she storms out of the bathroom and heads back to the table, leaving her twin sobbing in a public toilet. Yeah, this is going to do wonders for Sabrina’s self-esteem. Because if there’s anything more humiliating than having your twin rip into you on basic cable, it’s having your twin rip into you in a public restroom on basic cable. I kept expecting to see Sideshow Justin to be hanging around the door, waiting for the girls to come out. “Do you like scat-play? Can I pull your finger? Do I have poop in my teeth?”
Back at the table, Kelly tells the other girls that Sabrina needs to find another modeling agency. Period. Suzy, meanwhile, is telling Briana that she’s not trying to gang up on Sabrina, but if she keeps going to casting calls with her skin in the shape it’s in, she’ll kill her career. “All you guys have is yourâ€¦” Suzy starts to say, and just then my TiVo quit recording. What was Suzy going to say? All you have is your what? Looks? Health? Ginormous vajajays?
Anyway, that’s how the episode ends. What did you think? Anyone want to take bets on how soon before we get a “Very Special Episode” where Sabrina introduces the booking agents to her “leetle friend”?