Pretty Vacant

Okay, is it just me, or is something seriously missing from this show? Four episodes in and none of the models have been coked up on camera, nobody’s thrown up in a bar (let alone been thrown out of one), and there hasn’t been a single instance of hot girl-on-girl action yet. Well, 8th and Ocean, I’ve seen Gia. I’ve paused Gia. And you, my pretty poseurs, are no Gia.

Still, since they don’t pay me to recap bad movies (yet!), I guess I should move on to the matter at hand. This week’s episode starts off promisingly enough, with Britt and Tracie on the beach talking about whether it’s okay to date male models. Tracie tells Britt to stay away from them, because in her eyes, all male models are dogs. Unfortunately, she never says why she feels this way. They’re always humping her leg? They’d be happy lying around licking their balls? They eat their own shit? From what I’ve seen of the guys on this show, I’m going with number three. Or maybe number two.

Heheheh. I said number two. After the theme song (which I already despise), the Iron Maiden and her bookers are looking over Tracie’s book. The first shots are okay, then Irene comes across one that is “horrible” and shouldn’t be in there. “She used to do a lot better,” says Irene. “What happened to her?” Everyone agrees that Tracie is just too skinny. I’m sorry. Someone must have stuck a dick in my ear, because I swear someone just said a model was too skinny. Oh wait, they’re not worried about her weight because of any health concerns; they’re just worried that it makes her look old. Schew, for a minute there, I thought they actually cared about Tracie.

Tracie is sent to a casting at “Catch A Fire” clothing. While she’s sitting in the hallway with a bunch of other Auschwitz wannabes, Quincy the casting director comes by and gives Tracie a quick hugnkiss. That makes the other models (and Tracie) think she’ll get the job. Unfortunately, Ms. Cedella Marley, who just happens to be the designer, feels otherwise. One look at Tracie’s book is all it takes to convince Cedella that “there’s no edge.” I bet Iron Man would beg to differ. According to she and the harpies, Tracie is nothing but edges. I don’t get it. Sure, the girl could stand to eat a few dozen cheeseburgers, but she’s no Karen Carpenter. Hell, she’s not even a Tracey Gold.

Back at the apartment, Teddy and Sean are talking about what else? Girls. Teddy is tired of seeing happy couples everywhere he looks. Sean tells him to relax, that love’s a good thing. “Sometimes it’s good,” Teddy says. Like when he’s looking in the mirror. Sean is surprised when Teddy says he’s going to ask Britt out today. “Isn’t she religious or something?” Teddy just laughs, prompting Sean to ponder, “you never know. It is harvest season. Time to plant your seed and wait.” Wow, Sean makes love sound so romantic.

Inside, Sabrina is on the phone, whining to someone about how unhappy she is that the agency won’t send her on any casting calls. She’s sick of people telling her not to go somewhere. Sick, I tell you! So she’s going to start doing things on her own. Yeah, that’ll show ‘em. How dare your bosses tell you how to do your job. Suddenly, the temperature in the room plunges 30-degrees as the Ice Maiden pays a surprise visit to the apartment. “Since I couldn’t find Sabrina, I came to Sabrina,” she says. Wha? Irene is concerned, and wants to know why Sabrina is crying and upset. Duh! Because you won’t let her ruin her career!

Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary!

Sabrina says she’s not upset about her skin as much as the fact that the agency isn’t pushing her as hard as the other girls. She has no jobs, nowhere to go, she can’t work, can’t cast… Damn your black hide, sebaceous glands!

Irene reiterates the reason she’s not working is her skin resembles a sheet of flesh-colored bubble wrap. Of course, Sabrina doesn’t want to hear it. She says she’s not trying to be defiant, but Irene points out that Sabrina did go to a casting yesterday she was told not to. Sabrina says it’s just hard to deal with having a successful twin and being around other models whose skin doesn’t resemble a pineapple. Irene understands. “Twin dynamics are tough enough without your skin issues,” she says. And right now, Kelly’s booty is just more cuppable. They agree to give her skin a few more weeks to clear up, then Sabrina can start going on castings again.

Britt stops by Teddy’s apartment and asks about the girl she saw him with last night. “Which girl?” Teddy asks. Ah, the life of a mimbo. Britt says she walked by and didn’t want to interrupt their date. He denies being on a date, and says he just met the girl a half hour earlier. And since 10 of those minutes were in the dark in the coat room while they were doing it, technically he’d only known her for 20 minutes. Although biblically it was the entire 30. Teddy asks Britt if she’d like to go to dinner on Thursday, at a “cool chill” place. A French crepe place, to be exact. Teddy is so cool. And chill.

Too skinny? You make the call.

Back at the agency, Tracie is meeting with Suzy, who tells her she didn’t get the “Catch A Fire” gig. Tracie can’t believe it, and is upset that things are so slow for her right now. Hey, at least you still have good skin. Suzy says not to worry, that it’s just competitive out there on the beach right now. I hope we get to see Charles Atlas kick sand in Tracie’s face.

Allee calls the guys and sends them on a casting call at 2:00 that afternoon. Vinci is confused by this strange thing called time. At first, nobody knows what the shoot is for, but Teddy doesn’t care because he sees Heide, Irene’s “rising star”. Britt shows up, and she is not happy about Heide. To make matters worse, the casting director puts Teddy and Heide together, telling Teddy to make a “mean face” for the camera. If by “mean” she meant “vacant” then Teddy nails it. If by “mean” she meant “Heide” Teddy nails that too.

Mean.

Meaner.

PASSION!!

Irene and Suzy are once again engaging in their favorite behavior of the week: complaining about Tracie’s weight. Suzy says Tracie is freaking out because she’s not getting any work, to which Irene replies that Tracie knows the ropes and should realize sometimes you’re hot, sometimes you’re not. I sure could use an Almond Joy right about now. And so could Tracie.

Hey, it’s Vinci! At the beach! With Teddy! (Everything’s just more exciting when Vinci’s around!) Vinci asks Teddy if he likes Brazilians. (The women, not the wax. I think.) Teddy says that Brazilians are the most beautiful girls in the world, but quickly changes the subject to how awkward he felt posing with Heide when he’s supposed to be going out with Britt. “Uh huh uh huh uh huh,” mumbles Vinci. He can’t understand why Teddy is talking about two girls who aren’t here, “when there are like one million girl here.” Other things Vinci can’t understand: Velcro.

Vinci!

Next, Irene meets Tracie on a random bench to talk about her book. And by book, of course, she means weight. Tracie would like to change her book up a bit, and Irene agrees that’s a good idea. Tracie’s a woman now, not a teenager, and needs to start looking like a woman. So does that mean it’s okay for teenagers to be too skinny? Dang-gummit, modeling is confusing!

Later that night, Teddy calls Heide and asks if she wants to come over. While over at the girls’ apartment, it’s Girl’s Night Out, which evidently means girls stay in and eat Papa John’s pizza. They start playing some game where they draw questions out of a hat and have to answer them. Tracie is asked if she could be more like anybody in the house, who would it be? She says Britt, because she’s a virgin. Does that mean Tracie regrets not being a virgin? Because I’m sure someone in Britt’s “Model’s for Christ” group could tell her the secret to becoming a Second Virgin^TM. (It’s spelled a-n-a-l.) Britt says her vajajay belongs to the Lord, and Tracie shouldn’t talk about it like that, but Talesha tells her to chill. “If you don’t have it, you won’t miss it.” Wow, who knew Talesha was married?

Outside, Heide and Teddy are enjoying a dip in the hot tub. And by “enjoying a dip”, of course, I mean making out. At one point, Heide tells Teddy he’s a hottie, but then remembers he doesn’t like that word. Evidently, it has too many syllables. She suggests “gorgeousie” instead, but they both agree that’s even worse. Not to mention made up. Moving in for another kiss, Teddy tells Heide he likes her, then asks if she likes him. What a smoothie. I’m surprised he didn’t just ask one of the other girls to pass Heide a note.

Try as she might, Heide will never escape the memories of prom night.

Speaking of the other girls, they’re up on the balcony spying on the young lovebirds. Britt for one can’t believe what she’s seeing. We know this because she says “I did not just see that” three times. Look, telling yourself you didn’t see something won’t make the memory go away, Britt. Don’t believe me? Then just try to forget this. Tracie tells Britt that Teddy told her he liked Heide, which makes Britt wonder why Teddy ever asked her out in the first place. Boy, they sure grow ‘em dumb in Kansas, don’t they. I bet she thinks you can catch gonorrhea from riding a tractor in your bathing suit, too. The other girls say Teddy just doesn’t know what he wants, but they do think that Heide is cool. Briana actually talks for once and says that “cool” to Teddy means she lets him touch her boobies. When you put it that way, Heide does sound pretty cool.

In case you forgot the show is taped in Miami, it’s time for another beach scene. This time Britt is talking to one of the twins about Teddy. (I think it’s Kelly, because her face isn’t oozing pus.). Maybekelly says Britt is the kind of girl Teddy would like to have, but the girls that are more like him are the ones he ends up with, ie not married to Jesus.

Finally, Britt visits Teddy in the apartment and calls the whole thing off. She just doesn’t think it’s a good idea for them to date, because they have different morals and make different daily choices. Teddy tries to act all hurt and plays the sympathy card: “So, I’m not even worth hanging out with? I just want to take you to dinner, you know?” Britt didn’t fall off the turnip truck yesterday, though, and tells Teddy it’s just not going to work between them. Teddy tries one last time, telling her she doesn’t know him enough for that to be a reason, but whatever. Besides, it’s only a few more minutes until the roofies kick in.

So, what do you think of this week’s ep? Did Britt make the right choice? Is Tracie too skinny? Will Irene’s face melt if it gets wet? Vinci!