The Power of Christ Compels Her!

So When CopyGodd let me know he was going on vacation he had to decide who was going to take over this weeks writing duties for 8th and Ocean. And what better choice than TVGasms resident model stalker EdHill? Now sure, J-Unit has a thing for Tyra but it’s more of a healthy crush, whereas I bring a whole new creepy dimension to the party. Hence my own brief visit to the land of 8th and Ocean. A magical place where everyone is pretty and the day begins at noon.

God however being a cruel trickster I get the episode that concentrates on the egotistical male model and the white bread model talking about her love for Christ. With my luck Copygodd will be back next week recapping the show where all the female models get drunk and have a half hour tickle fight. Ah well, if life gives you lemons…The show starts with our just off the turnip truck Midwest model from Kansas; Britt. She is on her way to a meeting. Ah, but not just any meeting, it’s “Model’s For Christ�. This way the models can all get moral support for their love of six pack abs and Christ. And we all know there is no more persecuted group of people in America than beautiful Christians. Those poor bastards. When will they catch a break!?

At the meeting we listen to then singing a spiritual hymn, yet with an underlying sexiness that is impossible to deny. The group leader then tells everyone to introduce themselves and explain their relationship with Christ. Britt declares that “Jesus is my maker and Jesus is my husband�. Man, what a freaking gip. Jesus marries her but all he does with me is be my freaking co-pilot? Since when did I get relegated to Chewbacca status?

God loves me AND my hair

Meanwhile, over on the godless heathen side of 8th and Ocean, Mia the booking agent is upset because Vinci, the most requested male model they have, doesn’t answer his phone. And when we cut to Vinci flirting in a hot tub, I immediately feel bad because I’m not sure the guy knows how to use a phone. Vinci is not blessed with what us normal people like to call “intelligence�, or “maturity� or a “functioning brain stem�. Let’s just say if Terri Schiavo was reborn as a model, it would be Vinci.

In the hot tub Vinci is hitting on another model. And Vinci’s idea of hitting on her is simply saying in broken English “Talk to me direct. Say Vinci I want to go out with you and have dinner with you�. The female model responds by saying “Boy he’s turning on the Latin charm!� Actually that’s a common mistake. Thinking Vinci’s broken English means he’s Latin. No, he was born and raised in Westchester NY. It’s just that since he’s functionally retarded it makes things like participles and indefinite article’s a rare occurrence. But last year he learned how to tie his shoes all by himself! Then we took him out to Chuckie Cheese to celebrate. Oh he was so happy.

Back at the model apartment Britt is quizzing the girls about the most embarrassing thing that they were ever asked to do on a shoot. Britt says she was almost on a Herbal Essence commercial so she practiced the orgasm noise they had to make. And she was embarrassed because she says she doesn’t have “a lot of experience in that department�. One of the downsides of having Jesus as your husband. Upsides? All you can eat loaves, fishes and wine.

Vinci meanwhile is finally showing up to the modeling agency with an oh so grating shit eating grin on his face. When they start to complain about Vinci blowing them off all day and missing a series of appointments he just uses that Latin charm and laughs it all of telling them “you need to relax man.� When he walks around aimlessly with that vapid smile he soon realizes that…they are still mad at him. What are these people ROBOTS? It’s Vinci! And he’s smiling!! Good god it’s like a room full of Vulcans! Mia tells him that he is dangerously close to being dropped from the agency. With that we then get the sad and concerned Vinci, which makes my heart break. You see, every time a model is sad, god kills a puppy. It’s a scientific fact.

We next see Britt having a one on one meeting with Irene Marie, the owner of the agency. I’m assuming from the massive amounts of plastic surgery on her face that she was once a model herself. In fact I’m not entirely sure she is an actual person. She looks like a puppet. And not just any puppet, but one of those weird puppets from that Genesis video. I swear if we looked under her desk we’d see a bunch of midgets working hydraulics.

Irene wants to talk to Britt because she is concerned about her model book. She thinks it needs a change of style. The pictures are young and limited. Britt is missing fashion. And fashion means femininity. Translation = you need to shake your bon bon. Irene says she wants her to look at another models book to get an idea of what she’s looking for for the next shoot. Something more sultry and feminine. Hmmm, let’s hope her next shoot isn’t an R Kelly video.

Vinci meanwhile is talking to fellow male model Teddy. Teddy asks him what he’s been up to today. “Today? Meetings. Reunions. Scandal. Mysteries. All kinda stuff man.â€? Vinci replies. Phew, that Latin charm is even getting to me. Teddy asks Vinci if he went on the TV show casting call they were told about. Vinci didn’t simply because he had no idea that it happened. This goes back to the “doesn’t answer his phoneâ€? bullet point from earlier in the recap. I am personally crushed by this becuase watching this man act on a prime time television show would be absolutely riveting. I’m thinking a modern day Crockett and Tubb’s With Vinci and Britt;

“Hey. you under arrest right? What you wanna do? You know? Freeze now. You tell Vinci straight up.”

See? It just writes itself…

Next Britt is on her way to her test shoot and she’s nervous. So she calls her “momâ€? which I am beginning to believe is just a device created by the MTV producers to create on the spot narration. Since this shoot needs to bring out Britt’s sultry side they’ve decided to do it at a chicken farm named Jimbo’s. Britt isn’t happy with her working conditions. “It smells like the boy’s bathroom” she says. Hmm. Christ’s wife hangs out in the boys bathroom eh? Next we get quick cuts of Britt changing into different clothes interspersed with random shots of roaming chickens. And it all happens so fast I start to wonder whether it’s Britt or the chickens that is arousing me. Britt’s hot, but let’s be honest, chicken is so moist and tender, and the way the juices just dribble down your chin… Ahem. It’s Britt. Definitely Britt. After a few sultry shots against the sunny backdrop we switch outfits but Chad the stylist is concerned about the bra. He thinks it will be an issue. Britt however is also having an issue, since she is shy and doesn’t want her boobies to show. WWJDIHBS? What Would Jesus do if His Boobies Showed? As a result of boobgate she won’t drop her hands for the shots until they have to start cajoling her into it. They do assure her however that everyting is covered up. Still, Britt looks shellshocked by the end of the shoot.

The next morning Vinci gets his wakeup call from Mia at the agency. Mia’s pissed because Vinci was supposed to check in with her at 9 AM. I guess morning for Vinci is around 11. Vinci can’t handle this kind of stress so he just tells her to “like, you know, stop with the F-ing drama you know?� and hangs up on her. Oooh, this doesn’t sit well with Mia. Time for an intervention. Irene Marie, or Marie Irene, depending on what floats your boat, is calling a meeting to deal with the situation.

“What’s happening Vinci?â€? she says. She suggests that maybe he should get an alarm clock. “They don’t work for me. No. Dat thing no work.â€? Vinci says, quite reasonably. Marie then says “bullshitâ€? and they bring in Mia, who feels the need to wear her bluetooth headset on at all times. Maybe thats why Vinci’s charms are useless agaisnt her. She’s a Borg! Mia demands that he never hang up on her ever again. “When I did that?â€? Vinci says. Mia says an hour ago. “Oh that?â€? Vinci responds. Irene says they have to straighten this out. From here Vinci pleads his case;

“You told me that right? But that keep in my head all night long too at the same time. I’m falling asleep, I’m so tired. I wanna sleep, and at the same time I have the pressure ‘Oh 9:30 I have to call Mia, I have to call Mia’ I swear god this. So if you have details day before…â€?

Mia interjects saying that she didn’t give him his details because she wants him to check in every morning at 9:30. Vinci will have none of it.

“You can’t punish me like that you know? Like little kid you know? I can’t work like that.�

Hear, hear Vinci! Stand up for yourself. Waking up at 9. Jesus Christ I thought slavery went out in 1862! What’s that Vinci? You’re saying that while slavery was abolished in the emancipation proclamation in 1862, it exempted certain border sates that had seceded from the union and in fact slavery was not fully legally abolished until the Thirteenth Amendment was ratified in late 1865? Hmm. I did not know that. Thank you Vinci!

After Vinci leaves Irene Marie Presley Love Hewitt and Mia are talking. While they both agree Vinci is an egomaniac with no concept of responsibility, he is a cash cow. And if they dump him today he will get picked up tomorrow by another agency down the street. That’s kind of similar to the way things work here at TVGasm. Sure we all love B-side, but the man’s a monster. Drinking all night, hitting on our girlfriends and inhaling cocaine like its air. But hey, what are we gonna do? If we fire him he’ll just get picked up by another hot TV blog in a second and the entire B-Side fan base will go with him. Sometimes you just have to put up with certain things to get ahead. NOW WHERES MY GUNA RECAP!?!?!

Next up for Irene is to talk with Britt about the results of her “sultry” photo shoot. She asks Britt how it went and how she felt. Britt was nervous because of the things she was going to wear that might have shown her breasts. And the only person that is allowed to see her breasts is her husband. But all the worrying was for naught because the pictures look great and everything is covered. Satan will not get to see her areolas this day. Irene thinks this takes her book to a whole new level.

Back in the office Borg Suzy is asking Tino, who looks like he should be owning a pizza joint somewhere, if he is going to the Arrive show tonight. They are giving out the Model of the week award. Vinci is going to be there. Vinci?” Tino asks incredulously. “If he’s gonna show up. I don not want to get involved with that.” he says. Tino keeps it real you see. He was a model back in the old days. They didn’t have fancy catwalks. They walked on gravel and glass and they LIKED IT!

Over at the Arrive show we see Vinci arrive and go over to sit with his fellow male models watching the women practice on the runways. The whole thing has a Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom vibe to it, being able to watch models in their natural habitat. I just hope they don’t spot the cameras hidden in the blinds and get scared off.

The male models liking what they see decide to register their approval with the native male model chants. They start with the whistling, but Vinci says that they have to get more crazy. “They love that” he says. So we then go from whistling to that weird Arabic yell. Vincent decides to finish with the Indian hand over the mouth “woo woo woo” chant. Latin charm people.

But enough goofing around. Now its time for business. Time to walk. The runway show goes off without a hitch and at the end when its time to choose the model of the week award, the winner is… Vinci! Suzy immediately gets on the phone to call Mia and let her know the bad news. Looks like Vinci may actually get even more obnoxious now. Ah well Vinci is as Vinci does.

Look at me no? I pretend to drink now.

Ahh, I just keedding! I am Vinci!

And with that I have to leave you. My “Blogger’s for Christ� meeting starts in one hour and I want to get there before those Gawker.com guys eat all the donuts.