90210: The Rest Is Still Unwritten

IT’S ALIVE!  IT’S ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

The demon spawn.  Jen can hardly believe it.  Probably because it’s the first fetus she’s carried passed the first trimester.  Being the whore she is and all.  I’m not judging your choice, I’m judging her so calm down.  So the person conducting the sonogram is a woman.  I’ve never procreated but doesn’t your doctor do that?  And isn’t Jay Boyd a man?  Should I point out all of the writers’ careless mistakes or just the really big ones?

Naomi tries to get her parking ticket validated by the receptionist but they don’t do that.  She doesn’t have any money so what’s she supposed to do?  The black receptionist tells her to get a job.  I only mention her ethnicity because it seems that the ethnics are the only ones who keep it real on this show and I applaud that.  And no, I’m not counting Dixon.

Naomi decides to go through Jen’s purse to get the money.  Instead, she finds a paternity test.  The minute I saw that I knew who the father was.  I’m still not done rolling my eyes.  I’ll leave the big reveal for you all for later.  It’s really shitty.

Up in the hills somewhere, Liam tells Annie about Rosa, his family’s housekeeper, getting blamed for Papa John’s coins.  If he confesses, he’ll get sent away.  His life would be over and he’ll never see Annie again.  Err, or anyone else from West Bev.  Yeah, that’s it.  Annie suggests sending Rosa some money or helping her find a new job.  Unlike her, he has the option of fixing his mistake.  Yet they both have the option of confessing.

“How and why are we up here?  Couldn’t we have just had this little chat at Coffee Bean?”

New York.  Javianna push through the crowd of screaming girls to get to the limo that’s filled with random junk gifts from his fans.  Somehow Navid’s gift, which was in Adrianna’s dressing room, ended up amongst the teddy bears and lace chonies.  Javi opens it and gallantly gives it to Ade.

She, in return, gives him syphilis.

West Bev.  On their way to class, Ivy and Dixon discuss the Pass The Torch Dance.  It’s a West Bev tradition where the senior class “passes the torch”, if you will, down to the juniors.  I guess this started after the class of 1993.  Does there have to be a dance/party at the end of every season?  Ivy thinks school sponsored dances are lame and changes the subject to Australia and it’s crazy counter-clockwise water drainage.  Dixon can’t believe he’s going.  Ivy’s stoked.  Hold that though you two.  In what universe does Dixon live in that he still thinks he’s able to go to Australia?  Must be the same universe where Becky thought it was a great learning experience to let her teenaged son, who has already gotten a girl pregnant, travel out of the country with his girlfriend.  So, while Ivy’s telling him she’s happy they got over that stupid fight and that they should always be honest with each other, Dixon’s glancing over at Silver.

Over in Matthews’ classroom, he arrives to find “Congrats Dad” balloons and a copy of the paternity test.  That’s right.  Matthews is the father.

Naomi had no money for parking yet she had the money for this?

Over in astronomy class, Dixon tells Ivy about the kiss with Silver.  They were both sad and drunk and it didn’t mean anything.  But he cannot keep a secret from her, he has to be honest.  Ivy sees through the bullshit.  She’s done “playing second fiddle”.  She gets up and leaves.  I guess supernovas will have to wait.

Harry’s Office.  Harry reads a report on F. Scott Fitzgerald while Mark plays with his gum.  Mark’s teacher has reported him for turning in a paper from GreatPapersForCheap.com as his own.  Because of that he’ll get an F in English and won’t graduate.  Mark, on the other hand, doesn’t see things playing out like that.  Especially since Harry covered up Dixon’s involvement in the break-in.

Gym Class.  Naomi struggles to jog down the stairs but sees Liam and suddenly she’s Flo-Jo.  She gets the cold shoulder from Liam and wonders why he isn’t answering her calls.  He asks how she’s feeling.  She’s good…umm, errr, actually she’s feeling a lot better.  The jig is up though.  She tries to lie her way out of it but he doesn’t want to hear it.  It’s over.  In addition to not having anything in common, her being self-centered and a liar, she’s not there for him.  What about opposites attracting?  Did Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat teach us nothing?

The Blaze Live Edition.  Silver interviews Ade about her burgeoning singing career.  She was signed to a label and sang onstage with some drippy Navid look-a-like.  Big whoop.  Call me when she actually records an album.  Navid’s watching from the sidelines and notices the bracelet.  As Adrianna talks about her relationship with Javi, the wheels in Navid’s head start turning.  He yells cut and starts freaking the eff out.  Silver tries to remind him that the interview is live but he kicks her and the 2 camera guys out.

He yanks the chair next to Ade away and asks where she got the bracelet.  She tells him it was a gift from Javi.  He starts pointing out all the charms and asks how Javier knew those were her favorite things.  Well, he wouldn’t cause he didn’t buy it.  Details, details.  She suddenly realizes the bracelet was actually from Navid and doesn’t question how it got in the limo in New York.

“Don’t look at me Navid.  I’m not the one dressed like Joel McHale on The Soup.”

Silver and the camera guys walk down the hall and notice a crowd has formed.  Looks like someone didn’t cut off the live feed.

Back on the set of The Young and the Brainless, Navid tells Ade she can run off and have all of Javier’s babies but she can’t do it wearing his bracelet.  She doesn’t want to give it back.  Silver knocks on the door but Navid tells her to go away.  So she does.  Good try Silver.  Too bad that non-soundproof door kept you from telling him the camera was still on.

Go eat some brains you zombies!

Ade’s not giving back the bracelet.  She didn’t know he liked her.  He does but he knows she’s dating Javier who’s famous and sexy and famous.  He can’t compete.  She tells him he’s wrong, no one can compete with him.  Then they kiss.  The crowd outside cheers.  Is it just me or is Ade a big whorey drama queen?

Beach Club.  We get our mandatory “Jen condescends/berates the ethnic help” scene and then Matthews shows up.  He asks if it’s true she’s growing a lil’ Matthews in her cold, black womb.  He also wonders how she got his DNA.  I’m wondering that myself.  From the hairbrush he left at her house, of course!  According to my nursing student friend (Hey Sara!), DNA is only found in the roots.  My question is: how much hair was actually on that hairbrush?

Ew.

Matthews kinda freaks but gets it together to tell her he’s going to get his life on track and help her raise the baby.  Jen has nannies and baby nurses for that.  She doesn’t need his help and will fight him in court if he tries exercise his parental rights.  So she obviously has a trick up sleeve.  Why get the paternity test in the first place?  Does Olivier think it’s his baby?  Wouldn’t he question it was his once Naomi told him about Jen?  More importantly, does it even matter?

Silver’s.  Simi wonders what’s going on with them.  Silver tells him about Spence and the bribe.  He flips out and starts grunting and screeching about what a dick his dad is.  He calms down a bit and realizes that she still broke up with him even though she didn’t take the money.  She thinks Spence was right.  She cares about him too much to get in the way of his tennis career.  I wonder how much his past man-whore ways interfered with his tennis skills?  Is Silver’s vagina his kryptonite?  Just a thought.  So because Silver can’t go one episode without having relationship drama, she tells him it’s over.

Pass The Torch Dance.  Silver and Naomi drive up on Silver’s Vespa.  Silver’s ready to go home but Naomi flat rendition of “Single Ladies” makes her change her mind.  Despite her lackluster voice, she’s still got more moves than Adrianna.  She wonders why Naomi isn’t in a crappy mood.  She got dumped too.  Unlike Silver, though, Naomi is spunky and resilient.  “Liam is a loser and I’m fantastic.”  Her self-confidence borders on delusional, but you gotta admire her spirit.

Silver sees Simi across the lawn and Naomi asks why she broke up with him.  She just wanted what’s best for him.  Such a martyr, this one.  Naomi thinks that sounds like the same condescending mess Spence was preaching.  Shouldn’t Simi make his own decisions?  Oh Naomi.  So good at friendship, so bad at being a girlfriend.

Inside, Javier finds Adrianna and intensely talks to her.  Why does he talk like that?  Bad acting or…who am I kidding.  It’s bad acting.  He asks her to go on tour with him.  She tells him she got back with Navid.  He asks why.  EXACTLY!  Why?!  She claims to love him.  Just like she loved him last time…until Simi came along.

Guess she’s into malakas.

Laurel walks over and asks Javi if he’s ready to sing for these “lucky kids”.  He tells her about the break-up.  “It’s not over til it’s over.”  Please God let this be over soon!

Marina.  Dylan and his dad sing “Take Me Out To The Ballgame”.  Oh sorry, wrong show.  Annie, dressed for the dance, meets up with Liam.  He came clean about the coins to his mom and he’ll tell Papa John when he gets back from Miami.  His life will be over but it’s OK because TA-DA!

I really don’t know why Annie’s so surprised.  He’s spent all season working on the damn thing and they are at the marina.  They take her out for a spin.  I can’t help but wonder where he got the money for this and the spot at the marina.

All this scene needs is a thin Kelly LeBrock walking through it.

Back at the dance, Ivy gets called into the Planetarium.  Once inside, the show starts and Dixon’s voice is heard narrating.  It’s about the planets revolving around the sun but he adds Ivy picture.  He walks out and tells her that she’s the only girl in the world for him.  Luckily for Dixon, Ivy was moved by his cheesy display and she gets back with him.  The trip is back on, too.  They leave tonight.  Well, he’s at the dance why wouldn’t he think leaving for Australia was OK?

Yup, that’s the center of his universe.

Dance.  Javier performs as Silver stares at Simi from across the dance floor.  Naomi checks her watch and sees that it’s the time in the episode for Simi and Silver relationship to be back on again and pushes her to go talk to him.

Silver tells Simi she was wrong.  If he thinks he can play tennis and be with her then that’s his decision.  Oh, how romantic.  They hug and start doing something resembling the funky chicken.

In other news, a drunk Matthews finds Laurel enjoying the sweet Latin sounds of Javier.  She thinks the lighter fluid on his breath means he’s in a good mood.  Actually, he’s feeling like a piece of trash.  He was excited about being a father.  Aw.  That would be kinda sad if he wasn’t such a drunk idiot.  Laurel realizes he’s drunk and sends him home to sleep it off.  Calling him a cab would have been nice.

Outside, the gang has their senior year initiation ceremony.  Instead of actual torches, they have candles.  Naomi surveys the room and sees all the couples.

Suddenly, our little spitfire has lost her flame.

Literally.

She leaves the dance and takes the shuttle back to school.  Matthews walk out but is told to wait 15 minutes for the next shuttle.  Waiting is for sober people.  He instead jumps in the shuttle bus and drives off.

Marina.  Looks like Annie missed the dance.  Didn’t look like any of her friends or brother noticed, though.  She asks Liam why he didn’t name the boat.  He had a name but changed his mind.  He stares at her all googly-eyed and asks what she’s thinking.  The boy is sprung.  Annie can’t believe he’s going to tell Papa John the truth, or really that anyone tells the truth.  It’s going to be tough but he’s been a real stinker all his life and he’s different now.  He’s a person who’s boring wants to do the right thing.  He couldn’t live with himself knowing he what he did.  She would do the same thing…

“Umm…”

Actually, Liam, she wouldn’t.  She didn’t.  She tells him about the accident.  About drinking and driving.  About secretly getting the car fixed.  Everything.  She cries and he takes her in his arms.  Naomi lying to you about being sick doesn’t look so bad now, does it?

Hey look who stopped by the marina!

West Bev.  Naomi gets dropped off by the shuttle.  She gets in the Green Machine but it won’t start.  Luckily, it looks like someone’s using one of the classrooms.

Casa Wilson.  Becky stops by Dixon’s room as he’s packing for Australia.  Here it comes.  She wonders what makes him think he’s going.  Do you wanna know what this fool says?  “Nobody said I couldn’t.”  Becky makes it clear by telling him he can’t.  I would have added a slap upside the head for good measure.  And I would’ve had his simple ass tested for head trauma.  He cries that he’s been planning it for “ages”.  “So what, I’m supposed to stick around all summer and listen to you and dad fight?”  Yeah, it’s called being a family.  Deal with it.

Becky’s unwinding with a glass of wine when Harry gets home.  He was meeting with the supernintendo…and getting fired.  Because of Mark, he had no choice but to confess the cover up and so they let him go.  Becky thinks that maybe he shouldn’t have lied.  Tell us what you really think.  This of course leads to a huge fight.  Becky blames him for making a mess of their life.  Harry says he was just trying to do what was right and protect Dixon.  Becky thinks Dixon needed to learn there are consequences for his actions.  Is that why you let him go to the dance?  Their life is a mess.  He has no job. They have no savings.  And they don’t love each other anymore.  By the way, Dixon leaves with suitcase in hand.

I think he actually starts foaming at the mouth.

You know, even though I feel that the break up of this marriage was a bit rushed, this was still a powerful scene.  Rob Estes and Lori Loughlin really are decent actors and acted the hell out of this scene.  Bravo.  Too bad this show hates parents.

Here we are!  The home stretch!

Over at the dance, Javier interrupts Navianna’s make-out session.  Even though she broke up with him, he still wants her to go on tour with him.  Navid, showing some uncharacteristic understanding, thinks she should go.  He’ll even go on tour with her!  I love how these fucking people act like they’re adults.  I mean, does Adrianna even have a mom anymore?

Anyway, Javi’s tour is a whole year.  But she’s still in school.  School she didn’t go to when she was off gallivanting in New York the other day.  Javier gets all intense again and asks her why people go to school.  To get the job of their dreams.  This is her dream…

Actually, I think this is.

West Bev.  Naomi finds Canon in one of the classrooms.  She rambles about her car and needing to call AAA.  He asks if she’s OK and she breaks down.  She tells him everything is wrong and that it’s her fault because she’s self-centered, a liar and a terrible person.  He tells her she’s not and offers her a glass of water…

Out in the parking lot, Matthews arrives.  He gets out of the bus and leaves it running.  Heh.  He heads over to his car and hits the car in front of him.  He looks over and sees Naomi getting some water in the window.  He backs up and hits a sign.  He looks over again and sees Canon closing the blinds.  Then he drives away…

If he were driving Naomi’s Pinto, he’d be dead by now.

Casa Wilson.  Liam asks if Annie wants him to go with her.  She says she has to do it alone.  He’s headed back to sleep on his boat and tells her that she knows where to find him if she needs him.  She thanks him and they hug.  She finds Harry and Becky at the dining room table.  She has something to tell them…

Marina.  Liam arrives to find his boat up in flames.  And a weasly little psychopath leaving the scene of the crime.  Liam charges Jazz-Hands and starts beating the shit out of his face.  He stops for a second when he hears the police sirens, but gives him one more right hook anyway.

He should have took it easy on the laquer.

Back at West Bev, Canon shows Naomi his media project.  She’s impressed and tells him he’s really talented.  He thanks her and grabs her hand.  Uh-oh.  She looks uncomfortable but doesn’t tell him to stop.  Uhhh.  She starts to get up to call AAA when he grabs her and kisses her.  His caring, understanding demeanor quickly changes.

From this…

To this in 2 seconds flat.

He knows she wanted him to kiss her.  He tells her to stop with the teasing and calls her accusation of harassment a fantasy.  He starts to grab her but she pushes him away and calls him a pervert.  Then he SLAPS her.  She tries to get away but he grabs her.  She threatens to tell but he asks who she’s going to tell?  After crying wolf no one will believe her…

Fin.

Well Gasmii, that’s it for this season.  Thanks all of you that stuck with me and read my recaps.  I watch this so you don’t have to!  See you in the fall!