Tik, tok, tik, tok…No, it’s not Ke$ha’s last single. It’s the limited minutes I have to write this recap ticking away. So everyone shut up and let me type! This week on 90210…
It’s after the SATs and Naomi is still in a comatose state after her seeing Jen. Liam, showing the most sense that anyone on this show has ever shown probably in their whole worthless lives, advises Naomi to steer clear of her. In other words, find some place else to hang out. In LA? LA sucks. There’s nowhere to hang out there.
Looks like it’s Universal Citywalk for you!
Silver’s. Simi comes over to apologize about not telling Ryan O’Neal about her. He’s tricky and judgmental. Silver takes this to mean that he wouldn’t like her. Maybe he’s saying they’re peas in a pod? He didn’t actually say that but I can hear it in his tone. What he does actually say is that he’s new to the whole couple thing and never knew anyone special enough to meet his dad. He wants to do it right. He invites her over to dinner and she accepts. Oddly, Silver doesn’t find something to pick a fight about.
But it seems like she has a lot of stuff to work out.
Liam’s. Big Daddy negotiates a deal with someone over the phone. Looks like he’s going to be able to sell the coins for at least $15K. Liam thinks it’s finally going to happen, the tackle shop, moving in together. Liam wants to celebrate by renting a boat and going fishing but Big Daddy wants to take care of his “bidness” first. That’s an odd line reading.
Autotune Records. Lesbianna meets Laurel at the recording studio. She’s excited to get started and is even more excited when Laurel offers her a duet with Javier, Persons Magazine’s current cover boy. Lesbianna, as luck would have it, is his biggest fan and she’s ready to work with him any day, any time. That’s great but the problem is the song. Laurel plays Lesbianna a generic booty shaking song that rhymes fly, eyes and thighs. You know the type. Just turn on your local Top 40 station and you can hear about 20 an hour. Laurel’s asked 4 different writers to come up with something else. Lesbianna says she could write it. Laurel agrees to let her do it. She has until Wednesday to hopefully come up with something better than her Navid song. Shudder.
Across town, Liam calls his dad’s motel. Looks like Finn Court, if that is his real name, checked out an hour before.
On the plus side, his boat’s almost done. So there’s that.
Naomi’s. Unlike Liam, Naomi can’t seem to get rid of her family. She arrives home and finds a strange man measuring her house. Not really sure what he’s doing but he is waving around a tape measure. Before we find out, Jen emerges from the house and informs Naomi that it’s now, in fact, her house. A little present from Olivier. P.S. Naomi has 29 days to vacate as stipulated by California laws. Which law let Olivier purchase a house that wasn’t for sale?
Over at Liam’s, he interrupts his pity party long enough to call Naomi who quickly tells him about Jen. Again, he advises her to stay away from Jen and not engage. He then tries to tell Naomi about his dad but Naomi is too consumed with herself and hangs up to eat some ice cream. That will show him to have problems the same day she does.
So…I guess Naomi’s redemption arc is over.
West Bev. Lesbianna fills Navid in on the songwriting gig. He hugs her and runs off to The Blaze. Silver spots them from across the hall and raises her eyebrows at Lesbianna who reminds her that Navid has a girlfriend. A very nice, pretty, talented, red-haired girlfriend and don’t you forget it! ¡NALA POR VIDA! Silver plays devil’s advocate and asks if Lesbianna wishes he didn’t. Navid will always be special to her but he has a new chick now. One with a fraction of the issues she has and he’s happy.
Silver changes the subject and asks what Simi’s dad is like. She tells Silver that he’s intense; he either loves you or hates you. That makes him intense? Silver automatically thinks he’s going to hate her and starts to worry. I’m glad I’ve never had that problem with parents. Old people love me.
Nice earring. All your missing to complete the ensemble is a unicorn on your shirt.
Outside Dixon waits for Ivy. She’s sick of getting blown off. He really wants to see her but reminds her that he’s grounded. She tells him to call her when he can but he has a better idea. Harry and Becky are going out that night so he invites her over. How random are these two as a couple? Besides surfing and Bob Marley, what do these two have in common? Black, white, I don’t see Dixon with either one. Latin, maybe? Asian? Does this show even know they exist?
I mean other than food service workers or housekeepers.
Jen stops demeaning the help long enough to have a chat with Naomi. Who, I might add, doesn’t seem to know how to follow advice. She knows Jen could have had any house in Beverly Hills. She bought Naomi’s because she wants something and Naomi wants to know what.
After returning to France and forgiving his indiscretions, Jen and Olivier are more in love than ever. She’d appreciate it if Naomi wouldn’t tell him about what a hoe bag she was. Naomi scoffs at that request. Where would she even begin?! Am I right? Jen gives up and tells her to do what she wants. She then apologizes for everything she did to Naomi and gives her the house. All she asks is for a second chance with her only sister. She invites Naomi to dinner with Olivier. Hmm, that was weird.
The Blaze. Nala get their flirt on. Lila suggests doing a piece on the Lesbianna/Javier duet. Navid is surprised. She reassures him that it’s OK. Thanks to their strong relationship her chest no longer turns to concrete when Lesbianna’s name is mentioned. OH NO! She’s getting too comfortable in their high chemistry/low drama relationship. Don’t do this to me show!
Look how adorable they are!
Liam’s. Annie stops by as Liam ignores her and sands the hell out of a piece of wood. She’s there to get his help on their school project. The one they went over Annie’s house to do when she overheard Harry and Becky fighting. She asks where he got the boat, that’s almost completely finished. It’s what he does to blow off steam. I wonder how many kids his age are skilled enough to build a boat, basically, all by themselves. I know he’s supposed to be some kind of genius but damn even Noah had some help. Anyway, Annie wonders what got him so bent out of shape. He can trust her. He tells her about getting duped by his dad and adds that no one knows about it. She kinda spazzes on him and suggests he tell Naomi. His girlfriend. Naomi. The girl he’s seeing. Naomi. Clark.
Beach Club. Laurel and Matthews head up to the bar. She boos his order of ginger ale. He thinks he’s a little too old for vomiting hangovers. She disagrees. Her busted up face doesn’t. She leaves to take a work call so that the on-screen quota of boney blondes isn’t exceeded when Jen walks up. They exchange a couple angst-filled glances before Olivier interrupts with talk of signature Beach Club umbrellas-ellas-ellas. Jen introduces them and Olivier sets Matthews up with free drinks. The happy couple leaves for dinner and Matthews takes Olivier up on the free drinks and asks for some whiskey with his ginger ale. My suggestion? Date a brunette.
There’s always next time.
Cafeteria. Navid walks in and grabs an orange from the counter without paying. Free lunches? Bastards. He notices Lesbianna at a table full of crumpled up pieces of paper and tells her to watch her carbon footprint. Shut up Navid and go find your girlfriend…who cares about the environment just as much as you do and is probably recycling as I type!
Lesbianna is suffering from what us writer’s call, word caca. Just kidding. No one calls it that I just couldn’t think of something better to write…word caca. Navid reads it over. It’s not good. He thinks she’s in her head and offers to try to help her out of it. I know maybe you can go make-out with your girlfriend, Lila until you come up with another way to get Lesbianna out of another jam.
Yeah, you hear me.
Simi’s. Silver arrives to a house full of people Spence invited to dinner. They walk up to the grill where Spence is cooking and fighting with his agent. Simi introduces Silver and she gets shown Spence’s meat. Not that one, the piece of meat he was cooking on the grill. Cheeky monkeys. Simi tells him that Silver is a vegetarian. Spence pulls a veggie burger patty from under a piece of raw meat and puts it on the grill between a steak and some chicken. Heh. Spence mentions the fact that Silver doesn’t play tennis. She hesitates a bit and Simi tries to help her out by saying that she’s a journalist with the school paper/magazine or whatever the hell it is. Spence has met hundreds of journalists and he never like one of them.
Santa Monica Pier. Navid and Lesbianna roll up in Navid’s douche-mobile. She doesn’t know how skeeball is going to help her write a song. Skeeball can cure anything. But she’s right; it’s not going to help her. But it is getting Navid to convince himself he’s not taking Lesbianna on a date. Yay?
On their way to the skeeball games, Lesbianna spots a homeless looking Matthews, complete with dingy, food stained shirt. I can’t tell if he’s stoned or drunk but he’s way gone. Navid and Lesbi ask if he’s OK and he tells them not to be so formal out of school by calling him Mr. Matthews. They should call him Mr. Ryan…Matthews. Heh. He gives them both As on their papers and stumbles away. Jeez, you find out your girlfriend is a lying, thieving cunt and you fall apart. Keep it together, man. You’re an educator.
Be a hero. Be a teacher.
Over at Simi’s, Silver thinks she’s making a horrible first impression. Mistaking Spence’s girlfriend for his daughter probably won’t help the situation. He tells her they met on the set of his movie and everyone blows smoke up his ass about what a great movie it was. Everyone, that is, except Silver. When asked, she tells him the movie was offensive to Arab people, sexist and wasted his talent. The room goes quiet until Spence breaks the tension by agreeing with her.
Santa Monica Pier. It’s later that night and Navid and Lesbianna are riding the Tilt-A-Whirl. I’m surprised he hasn’t won her a stuffed animal yet. Lesbianna thanks him for trying to “help” her out, but it’s not working. She was stupid for thinking she could write a real song. You won’t hear an argument from me. Navid, on the other hand, believes in her. It hurts him to see her so down on herself. Her happiness means the world to him. Before she can respond to that, with what may have been a kiss, Navid’s phone rings. It’s Lila. That’s right girl, you better check your man. After he hangs up, Lesbianna tells him that his plan worked, she’s inspired. She heads to the car and a disappointed Navid follows.
Beach Club. Jen and Olivier finish up their dinner and still no Naomi. Jen tries to get Olivier to order dessert but he doesn’t think Naomi’s going to show. She reassures him that she knows her sister and that she’ll make it. And there she is! Olivier gets up to give her a kiss but Naomi shuts him down. She does, though, have some juicy gossip about Jen to share with him. She tells him Jen was whoring around LA all last year and even slept with Naomi’s sixteen-year-old boyfriend. He asks Jen if that’s true and she gives him an unconvincing no. He leaves throwing in a “You disgust me” for good measure. Naomi leaves to go pack up her things.
“Talk to ze hand.”
Poor Jen. Wait! What am I saying?
Casa Wilson. Dixon’s got his room decked out with about 100 candles. Who owns that many candles? Ivy’s impressed especially when she sees the tacos and “Mexican Cokes” he got. We just call them Cokes, Ivy, but whatever. Everything’s going great…until Harry and Becky pull into the driveway.
Dixon heads out into the hallway to see what’s up. Harry yells that Becky forgot her wallet, earning him a look from Becky. He asks if she’d rather he say that she forgot the address to their marriage counselor’s office. Becky feels that he thinks everything is her fault. Bitch bitch bitch blah blah blah. Annie gets home and asks what’s wrong. Becky lies, badly, that she forgot her wallet. Annie, whose nose looks bigger in this scene than it did before, can’t take it anymore. She runs upstairs, calling Dixon, who immediately starts blowing out the candles in his room. I guess to get rid of the overpowering smell of vanilla wafting in the air.
Out in the hall, Annie tells Dixon she has to talk to him. He tries to tell her it’s not a good time when Becky comes upstairs. As luck would have it, Annie’s in the mood to talk and she’s got a topic in mind. Can she have Cheating Moms for $500, Alex? Harry admits to having problems and tells the kids they didn’t want to say anything until they knew what was really going on with them. Dixon asks who Becky kissed but Harry tells him it’s not important. He also mans up and tells the kids that the problems are mutual, not just Becky’s fault. Becky tells them not to worry about it but doesn’t promise Annie that things are going to be OK. Yikes. Once they leave, Annie tries to talk to Dixon about it but he asks her to talk about it later. This all but guarantees Annie makes this all about her.
Don’t deny it.
Back in his room, Dixon tries to play it off as his crazy family actin’ up. What’s with the “black accent”? Is that him trying to be a smooth? In the wise words of Willona Woods from Good Times, negro please.
Naomi’s. Liam stops by to find Naomi celebrating her victory over Jen with a bottle of what I hope is apple cider. Liam thought Naomi was going to stay away from her. She was but then decided revenge was just too sweet to resist. She hands him a glass of…apple cider…and he tries to tell her about what’s been going on at home but she interrupts him to gloat some more. Just break up with her and be done with it instead of just standing there pouting like a guy, who stands. And pouts.
Beach Club. Sigh. Here it comes. Navid meets up with Lila. She asks how the pier was and he timidly tells her it was fine and that he went with Lesbianna. She tells him it’s OK, she’s fine with them hanging out. Oh the irony! He starts to tell her how great she is and how fun she is to hang out with. Why do people always start with compliments? If they’re that great why are you breaking up with them? Plus, the all dumpee is going to hear is that they’re getting dumped. Which is what’s happening to Lila now. Navid realized tonight that he still has feelings for Lesbi. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do about it but knows it’s not fair to Lila. And with that Gasmii, Nala is no more.
Where am I going to see real-size girls on TV now? Drop Dead Diva? ACK! Why does God hate me?
Liam’s. Annie shows up with tear filled eyes. She doesn’t know why she’s there (Hello! You’re subconsciously stealing your friend’s boyfriend…AGAIN!) but she had a rough night and asks to help Liam with his boat.
Or kill him with her telepathic powers a la Carrie.
Casa Wilson. Dixon tells Ivy how ironic it is that he’s been trying to relax and convince himself that his new family was stable, unlike his old one. Now that he’s finally relaxed, it all fell apart. That’s not ironic. A traffic jam when you’re already late? That’s irony. Rain on your wedding day? It don’t get no more ironic than that.
He apologizes to Ivy for rambling on (and on and on and on). She doesn’t think he needs to apologize. She’s flattered that he feels that he can talk to her. Still though, he thinks that it’s probably their worst date. She disagrees. Dates are for getting to know each other and she likes what she’s getting to know. She curls up next to him with her head on his chest. If it were anybody else on this show I would be moved, but I just can’t give it to these two. I blame Dixon.
Simi’s. Spence thinks Silver is an interesting girl. Simi is glad he likes her. Spence pauses and tells Simi he’s his favorite child and as his favorite, Spence thinks it’s time to give him some unwanted advice. He thinks it’s time for Simi to choose whether or not he wants to go pro. Simi reminds him he wants to be Federererer. Great! In order to do that, Spence tells Simi he needs to focus. No distractions, no Silver.
West Bev. Silver invites Simi to a matinee before his match. Simi asks if she’s kidding. He has to warm up and prepare for the match. He leaves to warm up and prepare for class.
Naomi’s. Jen wakes Naomi up to thank her for making her 10 million euro richer. Turns out Jen had everyone, including me, fooled! She didn’t want to reconcile with Naomi. She knew Naomi, predictable, foolish, Naomi would tell Olivier everything. That’s why Jen had a fidelity clause added to their pre-nup. Once Olivier found out about Jen’s indiscretions, he did what he always did: run into the arms of another woman! Naomi thinks she’s disturbed. Jen cautions her to be nice to the woman who’s handling her finances. She talked to their dad and told him how Naomi has been foolishly squandering her trust fund. He panicked and Jen offered to help out.
She may be the worst character on TV right now, but man you gotta give props where props are due. Not only was her plan brilliantly evil, but it was also flawlessly executed. I can’t be made at that.
Across town, Simi and Spence arrive from the tennis match with trophy in hand. Taking the trophy from Simi, he reminds him that he needs to focus. He leaves a pensive Simi standing outside. Silver drives up and apologizes for being thoughtless. He thinks he should be apologizing to her. Who’s going to apologize to me!? This show just won’t end.
Simi tells her he won the match but it didn’t make him happy like he thought it would. He realized that without her there it didn’t mean anything, because…because, he wuvs her. She doesn’t really say it back.
Autotune Records. Lesbianna and Javier sing the song she wrote. It’s about falling back in love with your ex. It looks like our little Lesbianna is switching back to men. Latin men that eerily resemble a certain Persian man boy.
The song ends and Laurel thinks she killed it. Javier is impressed with the song and can’t believe she wrote it in 2 days. He wonders if she wrote it for her boyfriend. No, but she did write it for the dip with flowers standing at the door. For his benefit, Laurel left the intercom on so Navid could here Adrianna tell Javier that there are no special guys in her life.
“Nope, no special guys in my life now because I was into chicks for about a minute. I hope that doesn’t bother you.”