90210: And I’ll See Your True Colors Shining Through

This week on 90210, Jazz-Hands creeps out Harry and Becky, Matthews looks greasier than ever and both Naomi and Borianna are discovered to be lying jerks. In other news, the writers throw caution to the wind and just kinda ignore anything that happened in the original show.

And we’re running down a hospital hallway. The paramedics cart Jackie down to the ER as Silver spasticaly runs after them. She’s told by the emotionally devoid ER doctor to wait in the lobby. Jack Shephard ain’t got nothing on this bitch’s bedside manner.

West Bev. Naomi finds Navid, where else but in the Blaze Staff Room. She’s there to join and save Navid’s “little news broadcast thingie”. How, Navid doesn’t ask? With a sex advice segment called “Clark After Dark”. Aww, shout out. But seriously folks, she’s really there to help herself to some extra-curriculars for her CU application.

After some resistance, Navid agrees to let her join sans segment. If she’s serious about joining he tells her to help unpack the new equipment that’s coming in tomorrow. Navid moves onto some important exposition. He tells Naomi about Borianna’s anti-climactic return to drugs.

We cut to Borianna denying said drug use. Naomi wonders why Navid would say it. Borianna doesn’t know but it’s possible that it’s true Navid is upset that she moved on. Naomi wants to believe her but Borianna doesn’t have a great track record with drugs and the truth. She assures Naomi that she’s not using. Besides, she remembers what Borianna was like when she was on coke. Is she acting that way now? Ooh, she’s good.

Hospital. Kelly arrives. Silver tells her the paramedics said Jackie was in cardiac arrest but they were able to get her heart beating again in the ambulance. The doctor finally comes out to tell them Jackie had a cardiac arrest (we know!) but, because of chemo, she’s too weak to make it past this episode, err, I mean much longer. Despite that, Kelly’s still to much of a selfish bitch to go see her dying mother…on her death bed. Dying. Of cancer.

Casa Wilson. Dixon continues to be a mopey bitch this week. Conversely, sex with Jazz-Hands has done wonders for Annie’s bitchitude. She delightfully tells Harry and Becky about Jazz-Hands. “He’s a filmmaker, but more like a genius.” Given her recent track record, Harry will check his transcripts to verify her assessment, nonetheless. They plan a little getting to know the boyfriend meal for the next night. Then, in what I’m positive is a shout out, Annie tells us it’s Friday.

Annie runs up to her room where Jazz is zipping up his pants. She tells him about dinner and then they kiss. Becky knocks on the door to ask Annie what she thinks Jazz would want for dinner. She can’t wait to meet him. Jazz jokes about whether he should climb through the window or use the front door. Then they kiss. Damn you show. Damn you to hell!

West Bev. Dixon tells the gangs (minus Simi) about his brilliant plan to get back at Jen. They could use Straw-Hat’s mom’s recording studio to record Straw-Hat saying the exact same thing Jen said. Then DJ Mr. Big Dix (shudder) will “mix it down” to make it sound like Jen. Did I miss the part where they talk about how Dixon was a crack baby?

Navid bribes the gang (still minus Simi) with In-N-Out burgers to help him with all this equipment West Bev seems to be getting. Recession?! Hello! Dixon stops when he sees Annie and Jazz-Hands. He mentions to Navid that Annie’s been spending a lot of time with “that freak”. Navid tells him, and apparently anyone who’ll listen, that Jazz is a drug dealer. How about telling Harry? Or a cop? Or someone that can actually do something to STOP him from selling drugs? No? Alright.

We cut to Naomi practicing her “Clark After Dark” segment in Jamie’s dorm room. It seems to be an age appropriate segment on how to make a woman reach ecstasy. Ahh, high school juniors. So young. So innocent. Jamie pretends to be a caller and tells Naomi that he’s dating a wonderful girl that he wants to do filthy, terrible things to. She then proceeds to climb on top of him and swallow his jaw.

This would really be a bad time for Richard and his mom to walk in. Ack. Spoke too soon. Richard and his mom walk in. Jamie introduces Naomi to Dean Carter who remembers her as the girl Richard was supposed to take to the party. “And now you’re with Jamie. Classy.” Meee-ow, Dean Carter.

Across town, Matthews and Jen get all gussied up for some black tie benefit dinner…OK, Gasmii, I can’t do this. You know how I feel about these two and their boring, drawn-out, tedious, just won’t die already storyline. I’m just gonna give you the gist of all their scenes. Here it goes: Matthews is tired of only doing the foo-foo snooty rich people shit Jen wants to do. So that weekend (which, thanks to Annie, I know is tomorrow) Matthews is going to take her camping. Great.

Back at CU. Jamie and Naomi eat Chinese as Naomi sulks. She’s mad that Jamie didn’t tell her Richard and his mom were going to stop by. He didn’t know they were and why does she care what his mom thinks anyway? Naomi snaps that she’s the “frikkin’” Dean of Admissions. Jamie, scholar athlete, figures out that she was using Richard to get to his mom. Naomi confesses that she was just trying to up her chances of getting into CU. She sees now that it was a huge mistake and asks if they can move on. Jamie wins my respect by putting Naomi in her place and dumping her ass. Hey, she may be the most entertaining character on the show but she’s still a horrible person.

Guess what! It’s Friday night and Navid is…drum roll please…at West Bev! That crazy kid. What will he do next? Borianna barges in to ask him why he told Naomi he was using. The cute camera guy takes that as his cue to leave. I’ve known you for two lines, cutie pie, but I’ll miss you nevertheless. Borianna denies, denies, denies. Navid, though, isn’t in the market for her brand of fertilizer. She was all mental when they broke up and now she’s walking around like a drugged up zombie everything’s OK. She figures it’s because he really wasn’t all that hard to get over. She realized that their relationship was based on her needing him, not love. She makes a series of stupid faces and leaves.

Bitch please. You took out your guitar, a pencil and paper and wrote him a song. You fucking serenaded him.

Matthews’. Jen shows up with all this shit you don’t need to go camping. Not that I would know since I don’t go camping. I pay rent in San Francisco. Why would I waste my money and deliberately sleep outside?

Kelly’s. Kelly brings Silver some coffee. She thanks Kelly for letting her stay there and for always looking out for her. Silver thinks Kelly should say goodbye to Jackie. Kelly disagrees and claims to be OK with the fact that they don’t have a relationship. It’s different with her and Jackie. Kelly’s got 20 more years of bad memories, of not being good enough. Silver tells her Jackie is different now. She’s sober. And dying. Kelly says that sober Jackie wasn’t that great. “When she was sober she would remember to give me my diet pills and make my nose job appointment. And remind me of what a colossal disappointment I was.”

Record scratch.

Hold up. What alternate TV universe are these people living in? The nose job happened the summer before the Walshes moved to Beverly Hills. Before Jackie sobered up. And those diet pills? The ones you took your senior year after that spa worker told you you had problem areas? All you, Blondie. What, are you also going to blame Jackie for that one time you joined a cult or got burned in the fire or became a model and became addicted to coke?! Oh, and you were 16-17 when Silver was born, not 20. I hate this show. Fuck you, writers.

Yeah, so Kelly doesn’t want to forgive Jackie. Or let her he-who-should-not-be-mentioned son see his dying grandmother.

CU. Naomi stops by Jamie’s room to apologize to Richard. She tells him the real reason she dated him and lied about caring about the environment. She realizes how awful it was and would take it all back if she could. Something about the disgusted look on Richard’s face tells me he’s going to accept her apology.

Casa Wilson. The Wilson’s, well, the natural born ones, get ready for dinner with Jazz-Hands. Annie hides a picture of her in pig-tails and tries to get Harry to lay off the lame jokes. Becky brings out dip and crudités. Shut up, Becky.

Dixon heads out to go help Navid. Becky and Harry ask him to stay for dinner and add that it’s important to Annie. Dixon whatevers them and Annie asks him what his problem is. Dixon doesn’t want to have dinner with Annie’s “weirdo boyfriend”. Annie counters that at least he’s not some “40-year old psycho”. Dixon responds that at least Toothy wasn’t a drug dealer. Touché. The doorbell rings and Jazz-Hands get a warm welcome.

Campsite. Jen hates camping. Then it starts raining. Fascinating.

West Bev. The gang (again minus Simi) unpack all the expensive TV monitors and equipment. Somewhere in South Central LA, a music program is cut. Navid shares his brilliant plan to get back at Jen. It involves seducing Jen and getting her to say aloud what happened between her and Liam as Naomi listens. Liam thinks it’s the worst plan yet and considers calling off the whole thing. His merry band of idiots don’t think he should give up. They’ll think of something good…eventually, I guess.

Casa Wilson. Awkwardness. Harry and Becky don’t seem to be warming up to Jazz-Hands. Annie tells them about the movie they’re making and how Jazz is a “genius”. Seriously, that word has lost all meaning. Harry wonders what else Jazz does besides “filmmaking”. Control and bone his daughter Not a whole lot. Who are Jazz’s friends at West Bev? Just Annie. Rrright. This sets Annie off on a tirade about kids at West Bev and how they’re sucky lemmings and whatnot. Becky thinks it’s sour grapes and just because she had a falling out with her friends doesn’t make all the kids bad. Annie freaks that they were never her friends. It takes Jazz-Hands’ calm, creepy touch to calm her down. Yikes.

Harry and Becky leave to go check on dinner. Jazz feels like he’s blowing it. She tells him it’s nothing he did. Dixon told them about The Rumor. If I cared about Dixon anymore I would be fearing for his life right about now. Annie and Jazz head over to the dinner table and Jazz blurts out that he knows Harry and Becky think he’s a drug dealer. He gives them the same old sob story about not fitting in and people talking behind his back.

How big can this school be or how bad a principal can Harry be that he doesn’t know about Jazz stabbing someone!? He could at least remember him as the nephew of the homeless guy that was killed and left the school money. Jeez. Anyway, he asks them to give him a chance.

And now I realize how The Blaze is able to afford all that new equipment. Duh, Mones. Duh.

West Bev. Naomi shows up to help out and finds Liam alone, struggling with a box. He asks for help and she does, hurting his hand in the process.

As she’s icing his hand, he tells her he would take back what happened if he could and that he thinks of it everyday. They look like they are about to have a moment when Navid comes in and, say it with me, ruins everything.

Hospital. Kelly calls Silver and leaves her a message wondering where she is. She waits for her outside Jackie’s room. She looks in, you know cause she didn’t want to see Jackie or anything, and sees that the room is empty. The cleaning lady wipes Jackie’s name off the door and Kelly breaks down crying. FINALLY!

Campsite. It’s raining. Matthews tells Jen that he doesn’t enjoy all the things she does and that he only does them to spend time with her. He’ll take her home when it stops raining. Fabulous.

Hospital. Silver finds Kelly crying in the hallway. Kelly tells her she was right about saying goodbye to Jackie. Now it’s too late. Hold that thought, Kel. They actually moved Jackie to a private room. Heh. Good one, show.

Casa Wilson. Annie thanks Harry and Becky for listening to Jazz and giving him a second chance. Yeah, about that, Annie…they actually don’t want you to see Jazz-Hands anymore. Annie wonders if it’s about The Rumor. Partially, but also they think Jazz-Hands is kind of a freak. Becky’s worried about the fact that he doesn’t have any friends and that Annie is a different person around him. She’s not a loner and an outcast. This elicits a passionate “you don’t know me at all” from Annie.

I have a suggestion. Maybe Harry and Becky can grow a pair and stop letting their kids scream at them and disrespect them all the time. A couple back-hands to the face can do wonders.

Hospital. Kelly apologizes to Jackie for taking so long to see her. Jackie says she doesn’t have to; she’s the one that’s sorry. She’s been a terrible mother. Kelly didn’t turn out the way Jackie expected. She’s much better. Jackie’s proud of the way Kelly raised her son Silver and how amazing she is. Choking back tears, Kelly tells her she forgives her. Jackie knew she had to hang on until Kelly got there and tells her that she loves her.

West Bev. Naomi finds Jamie waiting for her in the parking lot. He heard she apologized to Richard. He’s impressed. Well then, I guess her work it done! He over-reacted and realizes it was a mistake. Now that she’s apologized there’s no reason for him to stay mad at the girl he’s falling for. I guess Naomi’s adopting this whole truth thing as a way of life cause she tells him she’s still hung up on someone else. Jamie hopes, in vain, that he’s worth it.

Across town, Anniet tells Jazz-meo that her parents don’t want her seeing him. She’s sure it’s because they believed Navid. Otherwise they would have loved his creepy ass. Jazz tells that bitch to be cool, what’s done is done. He promises her they’ll figure something out. Perhaps a poorly planned fake suicide?

Borianna’s. Our favorite little relapser studies away, her trusty bottle of pills by her side. Naomi barges in, without knocking I might add, to talk about boys and makeup and clothes! Borianna hides the pills with her hand and asks Naomi if she was raised in a barn can close the door. Unfortunately, Borianna’s zombie pills have slowed down her super-spy ninja moves and Naomi sees her putting them in her purse. Naomi’s not too impressed with her weak ass attempt at an apology and leaves. Borianna sees the error of her ways. She flushes the pills down the toilet and calls her sponsor.

Ha! Fooled you. She actually takes 2 horse pills with what you can barely call a sip of water.

Campsite. Jen started a fire and fixed the tent. She apologizes to Matthews and tells him about her husband and living off of Naomi. Matthews looks like he hasn’t washed his hair in months. A shitty cover of “Wonderwall” plays in the background. Captivating.

Hospital. Silver and Kelly hold Jackie’s hands as she takes her last breathe.

West Bev. Navid walks down the hall and gets pushed pushed against the wall by a lurking Jazz-Hands. He bounces off the wall and falls down the stairs. Was that Jazz’s intention? We’re not sure. We do know that Navid doesn’t see Jazz-Hands face, but only his shiny black shoes.

Fin.

We’re off next week for Thanksgiving! Whether or not you celebrate, hope you all have a great week and are able to take time to look back on the year and all the things you are thankful for. I’m thankful for being able to watch bad TV, write about it and share with you all! Oh and Cocoa Pebbles. Peace!