OK kids, there’s no time to dilly-dally. Let’s get this 90210 recap started!
We start with our reunited-and-it-feels-so-meh trio on a shopabout. It’s kinda like a walkabout only with more tangible results. Adrianna’s been stalking Navid cellulary since the locker incident to no avail. She just can’t believe the coke was actually his and that he got suspended. Well, you didn’t but Harry sure did. Naomi thinks suspension is better than expulsion.
I couldn’t help but wonder…In today’s youth obsessed culture, are the women of my generation growing into mature, responsible adults, or are we thirty-four going on thirteen?
They run into Annie at a sidewalk cafÃ©. She’s invited to join them to help Naomi shop for the perfect “LGD”, little gold dress. Annie would love to but she’s kinda
being blackmailed having a delightful meal with her trophy boyfriend. The trio is kinda maxed out on crazy so they leave.
Jazz tries to hold Annie’s hand but she snatches it away. He thought she was going to give them a chance. She’s thinks being there is enough. He’d rather have things like they were before, when Annie found his psychotic demeanor charming.
He invites her over his house for the next night and she refuses so he slams his fist on the table. He’s sick of her attitude. Yeah, take a number. He reminds her of their deal.
West Bev. Dixon finds Silver at her locker. She tells him she wants to get back together. They kiss. No worries, Gasmii. It was all a dream.
How dry of a dream it was is questionable.
Cocina Wilson. Harry and Becky notice Dixon’s jovial mood. Things are looking up for our mouth breathing friend. Becky wonders if he finally got a reply from his birth mom. Oh right, that storyline. Way to not mention it since last year. He hasn’t heard from her but plays it off as no big deal. He’s just happy that he’s going to be gettin’ some hot bi-polar sex from Silver again.
West Bev. Dixon finds Silver at her locker and this time it’s not a dream.
It could be a nightmare if Silver’s hairdo is any indication.
Whatever it is, it isn’t great since Silver just wants to be friends. She’s not choosing Simi over Dixon or anything, she’s just not that into him.
Here it is from the back. The hair stylist must hate her.
Cafeteria. Naomiam’s awkward fest continues on with no signs of ending anytime soon. AnnaLynne and Matt Lantner do awkward really well. It’s painful to watch. They’ve still got perturbed, poised, self-assured, modest, cool, flustered, etc., to conquer. I guess it’s good to have goals.
So Naomi has been reading up on boats and tries to have a conversation with Liam about them. Unfortunately, Ivy shows up and starts a french fry fight with Liam. They fist bump to Naomi’s irritation.
Keep working at it girl. You’ll get it.
Outside, Naomi runs up to Ivy and asks if she’s over Liam. Um, of course she is Naomi, don’t be ridiculous. Well, Naomi was just double-checking because she wants to ask for Ivy’s help with Liam. She doesn’t understand why he’s so stiff around her. “Outside the bedroom, inside…he’s plenty stiff.” Heh. She sees how relaxed he is with Ivy. She wants to french fry fight and fist bump too. I take it she hasn’t watched Tough Love. Fist bumps are the kiss of death. Ivy doesn’t hang out with Naomiam as a couple so she doesn’t know what’s wrong with them. Well, that’s easily fixed.
Ivy’s hair is not.
Jazz-Hands’ Room. Annie walks into a room full of candles and a house with no parents. Lucky her. Jazz-Hands knows what’s wrong in their relationship. They haven’t connected in the figurative sense because his penis hasn’t connected with her vagina in the literal sense. “If we have sex, then you’ll remember how magical things used to be between us.” Oh Jazz, don’t you know that sometimes girl’s fake the magic? Annie, for reasons obvious to those playing with a full deck, can’t. Jazz has a hissy and thinks she has to give them a chance. Annie then asks if he’s saying that he’ll go to the police if she doesn’t sleep with him. No, ‘tard, he wasn’t saying that but now that you mention it I guess he is.
Back from commercials, Jazz-Hands gets Annie onto the bed before she stops him. So close! She can’t sex him up or be his girlfriend, she’d rather he go to the police. But…if he really loves her and wants a chance with her he won’t turn her in. And the student becomes the teacher!
Jeez, even his door is transparent.
West Bev. Matthews stops Naomi on her way out of class to see how she’s been doing since Hurricane Jen swept through town. She doesn’t really want to discuss her feelings but reassures him that she’s OK. She asks how he’s doing and lets slip that Jen told her she was using him as rich men bait. Somehow dating one poor teacher equals not being a gold digger. Matthews then kinda falls apart right in front of her.
Jeez, homie, keep it together. You’re an educator for chrissakes.
Blaze Staff Room. Adrianna finds Rumer surfing the web, slacking off since boss man Navid isn’t there. Aaaand that will be the last time Navid gets mentioned this episode. Thank you.
Adrianna tells her that not seeing him around or talking to him makes her heart hurt less. Jeez, dramatic much? I think he’d rather be at school if you ask me. Rumer feels her pain, having to sit next to her ex in history class and all. They bond some more over being miserable. So much in common, these two. I wonder if Adrianna feels the same way Rumer does about carpets? Wink wink.
Elsewhere, Naomiam + Ivy arrive in some wooded area for a hike, the activity Ivy suggested. Liam didn’t peg Naomi as a nature lover. She loves the outdoors. “All the rocks, dirt, chance to wear khaki.” This merits a fist bump from Liam which delights Naomi to no end.
Keep this up and your fists will be the only body parts bumping together.
Beach Club. Dixon and Silver have a platonic meal. She asks if he’s heard from his birth mother because everyone suddenly knows about it. He hasn’t heard from her and then proceeds to make a stupid joke about being used to rejection. Silver barely has time to react when she sees Simi with his sister, Savannah. She asks Dixon about her but he’d rather ask the waiter for the check.
Luckily, Silver doesn’t have to keep wondering what Savannah is like because she walks right up to their table. She finds out that 1- Savannah is Simi’s sister, 2- Simi like totally still likes her and 3- Dixon knew who Savannah was the whole time. Dixon tries to get out of the hole he dug himself into by telling Silver he was just trying to protect her. Not only did he have no right to do that, but he’s also a really shitty friend.
With really shitty taste in sweaters.
Trail of Jeers. Naomi struggles to keep up with Liam and Ivy. She claims to be taking her time and enjoying the scenery but she’s clearly about to collapse. Ivy tells her to watch out for the poison oak and hilarity ensues. Naomi can’t figure out where the poison oak is and when Ivy mentions a garter snake she falls on her face. Yuk, yuk, yuk.
Previously, on Lost…
Back at the car, a tragically flawed Naomi asks Liam for some water. He runs off and she zeros in on Ivy. She knows that Ivy’s trying to make her look bad because she still likes Liam. Ivy denies it and Naomi calls her a coward for not being able to admit it. Ivy is no coward and admits her feelings…to Naomi, mind you, not Liam. Coward. Naomi tells her to stay away and warns her that she has no idea who she’s messing with.
Channeling old school Melrose Place? Me likey.
West Bev Cafeteria/Study Hall. This week we have Simi studying in the cafeteria. Dixon stops by to confess his acts of cockblockery to which Simi replies, “What the hell, bro?”. Now that’s good dialogue. Dixon says he can make excuses for his behavior. Being rejected by Silver, rejected by his birth mom, rejected by the viewing audience. None of it matters, nor are any of those things a good excuse. He stands and tells Simi to punch him, probably thinking he wouldn’t actually punch him in the pancreas as he does. What do you think Silver’s reaction to this will be if she ever finds out? Hmmm…
Kneel before Zod!
Out in the courtyard, Adrianna and Rumer plan a girl’s night complete with junk food and sad movies. Adrianna suggests The Way We Were, An Affair to Remember and P.S. I Love You??? I guess “sad” movies don’t need to be good movies. Rumer’s ex stops by and asks for a chance to talk to her. She agrees. Adrianna thinks the ex wants to get back with her.
Parking Lot. Annie heads out to her car and finds a manila envelope on the windshield. In it she finds some 8 x 10′s of her car the night of the accident. It looks like she ran into a wall or something. Was she really going that fast? You’d think, with all that damage, the guy would have been thrown on top of the windshield. Also, how would she have gotten that fixed without her parents noticing?
Jazz appears from the shadows and tells Annie how hard it was to get those pictures. He was lucky the body shop Annie chose kept detailed records. Annie finally hits her breaking point and decides to confess. We’re only half done with this episode. I’ll believe it when I see it.
Beach. Naomi and her little Tori Spelling wide-gapped boobs set up a towel on the beach. She waves to Liam who’s near the water. Ivy walks past her and they exchange bitcheries. The stage is set and the gauntlets have been thrown.
West Bev. Simi makes his move. He tells Silver he knows about what Dixon did and the misunderstanding at the dance. She apologizes for over-reacting and thinking the worse of him. It doesn’t matter to him. All he wants is to pick up where they left off. Which would be great if Silver felt the same. She freaked at the dance because she thought he was a player. Then he validated her fears by hooking up with two girls when he thought she was with Dixon. He tries to tell her that things are different now that he knows how she feels but Silver isn’t buying it. “How much could you like me if you were able to move on so quickly?” Oh Silver. If you are going to hold boys to such high expectations then be prepared to be alone your high school years. I’m sure you’ll find the poetry majors at CU more to your emo likings.
Silverlake Lounge. Matthews continues to find consolation in the bottle. Can we just get to his intervention already and be done with it? We never had to deal this much with Gil Meyers petty problems. He strikes up a conversation with some leather-skinned, straw-haired cougar who talks like she has a handful of marbles in her mouth. She’s trying a little to hard to channel Ivy so I’m just going to assume that they are related.
See what I mean? All she needs is a surf board coming out of her ass.
Beach. Ivy bogarts some sandwiches Naomi made for Liam. When the coach calls him away, Naomi shakes the sand off her towel all over Ivy. Ivy, in turn, grabs her board to leave and hits Naomi on her teeny butt and knocks her over.
IT’S ON BITCHES!
She may weigh 90 lbs, but damn it if our girl isn’t scrappy.
It takes awhile but Liam finally pulls Naomi off Ivy. Naomi goes off and tells Liam everything. How she asked Ivy for help and how Ivy’s been using it against her to break them up. How Ivy isn’t the problem, they are the problem. Naomi’s been working hard to be polite and perfect. She’s done trying to prove they have things in common. Love her the way she is or don’t love her at all. This is why, despite her flaws, Naomi is the best character on the show. I hope those girls over at 16 and Pregnant were paying attention.
Silverlake Lounge. Matthews and Ivy Sr. discuss the quality of her numerous sexual partners. For the record, Steven Tyler was better than Mick & Keith. Just writing that sentence makes me want to get a penicillin shot. She finds out he’s drowning his sorrows over a girl and offers up her vagina on a platter to help him get over it.
West Bev. Rumer and the ex have their talk. Sure enough, the ex wants to get back together. Rumer wonders if it’s because of Adrianna. The ex claims it’s not but you gotta wonder if
the producers weren’t desperate for ratings Ade didn’t kiss Rumer, would she still want her back?
Don’t do it Rumer! There are other lesbians and sexually confused girls out there!!!
Across town, Matthews and Ivy Sr. sex it up in what looks like a yellow Karmann Ghia.
Is that a bone sticking out of her back or is she just happy to see us?
Adrianna’s. Love Story plays on the telly and Adrianna cries like an idiot. For Adrianna, I guess love means never having to pull it together. Rumer knocks on the door. Adrianna wonders what happened. She was sure the ex wanted to get back together. Rumer says that she just wanted to give her stuff back. Oh she did, did she?
Did she learn nothing from the relationships of Anne and Ellen and Melissa and Julie. I guess they were before her time.
Casa Wilson. So what Annie meant by confessing to the accident was stalling by typing up a confession letter on her sub-par laptop. I guess if she didn’t do this then Jazz-Hands wouldn’t be able to menacingly appear at her window.
Jazz isn’t there to kill her. Boo! He’s there for that one in a million chance with Annie.
He’s not going to go to the police. He loves her too much and wants her back. For Annie, I guess love means never having to say your sorry about vehicular manslaughter. She breathes a sigh of relief and closes her word processing program.
Wait a minute…
Beach Club. We join Naomi at the end of her massage. I wonder if Jen left enough money in her trust fund for happy endings. Liam arrives with a determined look on his face and plants a big wet one on Naomi before she can finish her sentence. A big wet kiss you perverts. Her masseuse has already left.
Liam tells her he’s been trying to figure out why they weren’t connecting. She wanted everything to be perfect but that made her not be herself around him. Well the girl Liam fell for is opinionated and sure of herself, just like that scrappy little fighter he saw at the beach. They kiss and then do it on the massage table. Ah teenage sex. So awkward, so tender.
I don’t know about you guys but Naomi’s sex face gives me the creeps.
Beach. Ivy and Ivy Sr. sit by the fire and talk about the events of the day and we find out that, indeed, Ivy Sr. is Ivy’s mom. I’m guessing from the earlier conversation with Matthews, paternity is still a mystery. Like any caring mother, Ivy Sr. calls Liam an idiot for not choosing Ivy. Like any mother with a CPS case worker, she offers Ivy a toke on her joint.
Jackie’s death left us lacking one bad mother. Let the mommy issues begin!
Across town, the girls, including Annie, have dinner. This is the longest night ever. They giggle and gab about finding Naomi the perfect “LSD”, little sequin dress. According to Naomi, boys like shiny things. Annie asks her how things are going with Liam. She doesn’t make a vulgar remark about the sex they had 20 minutes ago. Our little girl’s growing up. Silver projects and wonders what happens if he turns out to be a player. Naomi thinks she’ll never know until she tries.
I guess the girl’s are so enthralled by the conversation and chips they’re eating that they fail to notice Jazz-Hands standing across the street in plain view…under a street lamp.
Tennis Courts. Silver stops by Simi’s practice. She blurts out that she doesn’t want to be with him. Um, he knew that. What she means is that she doesn’t want to want to be with him. She likes him but she doesn’t trust him so she’s scared. He asks what they do now. The answer is stare longingly at each other, then run towards each other and kiss. Duh.
Have some calves Simi…woof.
Casa Wilson. We get some filler involving a Tivo’d episode of Jeopardy. What really matters is that the door bell rings. Dixon gets up to answer it…and finds Dana, Dixon’s birth mom.
Hey Becky! Guess who’s coming to dinner?
My apologies for the delay. I hope to be back on schedule next week. Thanks for reading!