90210: Don’t It Always Seem To Go, That You Don’t Know What You’ve Got Til It’s Gone

This week on 90210, relationships crumble, friendships blossom and Silver took the girls out for a spin. Annie remains a carpenter’s dream. Speaking of…

What’s with the extra long previouslies? Do these people think we’re morons that we can’t remember the last two episodes? Purposely trying to erase it from your mind grapes and not being able to follow a tired, predictable plot are two different things.

Ivy’s House. Lauren’s wearing a vest with fringe. That and the 5 foot tall Buddha statue in her living room makes me want to punch her in her uterus. Lesbianna’s there discussing her new recording career. She’s feeling guilty about ditching the band. You know, the band that stood by her during her little panic attach last episode. Lauren invites her to the industry party she’s having at her house. It will give Lesbianna a taste of her new life.

Beach Club. Simi, limping from a jellyfish sting, and Dixon discuss money. Looks like Dixon owes Simi some money to pay off his dad’s bookie. Simi’s awfully nonchalant about the money Dixon owes, telling him it’s no problem. He even takes another bet from him. Please, oh please let the storyline pay off in the end. No pun intended.

Dixon spots Ivy at the bar and quickly puts his arm around her. He even gives her a little peck on her temple for good measure. Simi takes off to throw his feces at people pee on his foot.

Inspiration Point. Matthews and Lauren make out in his car. She starts taking off Matthews’ shirt. Just when I’m about to lose my lunch, someone knocks on the windshield. For a second there I thought it was a cop or something, but no, it was Ivy, cockblocking. No stinkin’ daughter of hers is going to keep Lauren from getting’ some backseat nookie. Unfortunately, said daughter is also his student. I guess that only bothers him when it’s someone’s daughter, not their sister, i.e. Kelly and Jen.

West Bev. Lesbianna and Rumer walk hand-in-hand down the hall. They part ways with a kiss that Navid witnesses from down the hall. I’m guessing from the way he had to pick his jaw up from the floor that no one mentioned to him that his ex-girlfriend was now into chicks. Not his current girlfriend, his best friends…not the 100 or so people at the concert.

The Blaze. Navid slides up to Rumer to ask about the piece she’s working on. Piece referring to both a news segment for The Blaze and Lesbianna. Get it? Piece of ass? Oh never mind. What Navid really wants to know is what every guy that dates a girl before she switches to chicks wonders, did he make her gay? Rumer sets him straight on the ratings ploy gay thing. After letting her know that he’s confident in his skillz between the sheets (and glancing over at Lila who’s working at another computer), he tells Rumer that Lesbianna is a good person and to take care of her.

Rumer runs off to class. Without even saving her work or turning off her computer.

Lila wonders what’s up with Navid’s interest in Rumer and Lesbianna’s relationship. Navid, oblivious to the feelings written all over her face, tells her is was nothing, just natural curiosity.

Across town, Annie and Silver visit a used car lot. Annie’s ready for a new car that will represent the new Jazz-Hands-less chapter in her life. She wants something that says freedom and Thelma & Louise. Because nothing says freedom like being chased by the police and killing yourself. What she sets her sights on isn’t a ’66 Thunderbird, but a ’65 Mustang.

Unfortunately, the insurance money Annie got for The Uncle Killer won’t be enough. She thinks they should at least take it for a joyride. It’s “test drive”, Canadian. A salesman slithers over and offers to take the girls for a spin. They ask if they can take it out on their own. Of course not, heifers! Next time bring a parent. But how is it OK for the salesman to take out 2 underage girls? Anyway, Annie doesn’t think Thelma and/or Louise would take no for an answer. Yeah, and they also drove off a cliff. So if you’re going to shape your way of thinking around two fictional characters you should really commit.

Principal’s Office. Naomi meets with Harry who tells her they are taking her accusations very seriously and a hearing with the school board has been set. She doesn’t want to press charges and thinks, being the victim, it’s her choice. Yeah, he’s a teacher dingbat. That’s not how it works. Harry tells her all she needs to do is go to the hearing and tell the truth. The truth?! Of course! It’s so simple!

Cafeteria. Naomiam have lunch together. Liam gets a call from his mother but doesn’t answer. She wants him to come back home but he’s not going back. He notices that Naomi looks like she’s going to hurl and tells her he knows she’s scared but she shouldn’t worry. Naomi thinks there is something to worry about and just when she’s about to tell him the truth, the guys walk over to their table to show their support. Some random girl stops by to tell her she’s doing the right thing.

Outside, Navid finds Lesbianna moping all over her lunch. She tells him about Laurel (who I’ve been referring to as Lauren) wanting to sign her without the band. Navid thinks they’ll be mad but would jump at the chance if they could. Well, that solves that but she’s also worried about getting involved in the music industry. After all, he was the one that didn’t think she was ready to get back into acting. Navid, sage/counselor/guru, thinks she’s changed and is ready to handle anything that comes her way. She thanks him and asks that he not tell anyone about their talk.

The Blaze. Dixon plays around with his DJ equipment. When did he get that? With what money?

Ivy asks Dixon to show her how to do it. He cozies up behind to her and tries to seduce her with his fly DJing skillz. Probably how Toothy got him in bed. Blech. He almost has her when he puts on some Bob Marley. One look at Liam, who walks in looking for Naomi, and the spell is broken.

Back at the used car lot, two hookers stop by to shop for cars. Oh wait, it’s Silver and Annie. Prudes dressed up in she-wolf clothing.

Silver wonders why they are doing what they are doing. Annie tells her she’s had a tough year and she wants something that symbolizes a new beginning, freedom. Those are two different things. And how exactly does test driving a car and dressing like a 2 bit whore accomplish this?

The girls are approached by a different car salesman. Wow. What are the odds? They threaten to go to another dealership when he doesn’t let them take the car out on their own. This, for some reason, works. Was it the boobs? Will that get rid of credit card debt?

Out on a country road the girls drive and feel free and all new beginning-like. Hey, that country road looks familiar.

West Bev. On her way to the hearing, Naomi runs into Canon. She puts on a strong, almost defiant, face until he mentions his wife. She starts to crumble but Calgon Liam swoops in and takes her away.

He tells her to not let Canon get in her head. He knows it’s going to be hard but he believes in her, he’s there for her, and he loves her…the rest, I don’t think she heard. She loves him too. They kiss and he tells her he’ll be waiting for her when it’s over.

The Blaze. Lila storms in and tells Navid about Lesbianna quitting the band. Navid, stupid, simple, Navid tells her he knew about it but that she couldn’t pass up such a great opportunity. She calls him on it and wonders why he didn’t tell her. Well, because his ex-girlfriend told him not to. There’s nothing wrong with keeping secrets for your ex-girlfriend.

School Board Hearing. Harry asks Naomi to tell them about what happened. She tells everyone that she went to Canon’s classroom. Yeah? She was alone with him. Uh-huh. And…and…nothing happened.

In alone time, Harry tells Naomi he’ll have to discuss her punishment with the school board, but there will be consequences…trust. He wonders how she could do something like that. She never thought it would go that far. Remember how she joined The Blaze to have some extra-curriculars to get into CU? Sucks.

Liam heads out to his car. What ever happened to waiting for her? Some scruffy, middle-aged guy watches Liam get in his car and drive away and follows him.

The Blaze. Dixon works on some music. Ivy interrupts to tell him she convinced her mom to hire Dixon as the DJ for the industry party she’s throwing. Dixon’s surprised, but grateful. How can he repay her? By breaking up with her of course! The way Ivy sees it, Liam’s not going to want to stay with Nigh-oh-mee after everything that happened with Canon so she needs to be single by the time he’s available. Dixon wonders who will be the one to get dumped, because he certainly doesn’t want to be. She relents and offers to be the dumpee.

Over at Laurel and Ivy’s, Laurel whips out a joint and offers some to Matthews. He doesn’t think he should. What if Ivy walks in? Never mind the caterers and hired help walking all over the place. Don’t worry about Ivy? Laurel taught her to roll joints for her when she was 13. Oh yeah, and she hates industry parties. With that Matthews is convinced the coast is clear and lights up. I’m taking a cue from Matthews and ignoring the fact that Leatherface is the worst mother ever.

Across town, Lesbianna frets over what to wear to the party. Rumer thought she didn’t want to get into the music business. She didn’t but then she talked to Navid and he made it all better. She blows it off as no big deal but Rumer thinks it’s pretty significant that she’d rather take his advice than hers. Rumer starts to get huffy (and rightfully so I might add) and tells Lesbianna that she’s not going to the party with her. She has to think of her sobriety and it’s not a good idea for either of them to go. If Lesbianna wasn’t so busy taking Navid’s advice she’d remember that Rumer already told her that. Lesbianna calls her “judgy” and Rumer tells her to take Navid instead. Rumer ends the fight with a teeth grinding “screw you”.

Beach. Liam finds Ivy waiting for him in the parking lot. She tells him she’s sorry about what happened with Nigh-oh-mee but at least now he knows what a selfish jerk she is. Now he can move on. She’s not sayin with who, but she did just recently break up with her fake boyfriend, so…Liam sees right through her and makes it clear, they are never going to happen. FACE!

Laurel’s. The party is raging and Matthews is baked. He babbles on and on and starts, what I’m assuming is dancing. At one point I think he does the white man’s overbite. Whatever it is, it’s not pretty. Between convulsions booty shakes, he notices the DJ and quickly realizes it’s Dixon. Paranoia sets in. Its shifted into overdrive when he sees Lesbianna. He leaves the party in a haze…that I hope will keep him from finding his car keys.

The Blaze…again. Jesus Christ, GO HOME! Lila finds Navid is a room full of flowers, candles and food. It’s their cotillion. When he was 9, he messed up by stepping on her foot and she gave him another chance. He messed up again. Will she give him another another chance? (Episode title!) They start dancing and laughing, which I’m assuming is a yes.

Laurel’s. Goddamn, Dixon even dances with his mouth open.

Inside, Laurel talks Lesbianna up to a group of people as the latter sits there staring off into space. Laurel takes her aside to find out what’s up. Lesbianna tells her about the fight with Rumer. She’s realizes it was her fault and thinks she needs to apologize. Laurel wonders what the hell she’s doing there. Lesbi thought she had to go. You know, for her career. Speaking of, Lesbianna’s a minor. I know she’s not the greatest parental figure, but shouldn’t her mom be there? Or be involved in some way? Also, yeah right a music executive is gonna care about that shit. Is it too much to ask that some things be believable on this show? Anyway, Laurel tells her to follow her heart. The industry is like a pusher. Push back…or push a Push Pop, I suppose.

Dixon continues to make an idiot of himself behind the DJ table. He sees Ivy and puts on a Bob Marley song. Remember when DJs used to seamlessly transition from one song to the next? Dixon doesn’t.

Rumer’s. Lesbianna walks in as Rumer finishes making her bed. At night? Hmm. Lesbi apologizes. She should have talked it over with Rumer, not Navid. Duh. Rumer doesn’t think it’s a good time. Does anyone on TV ever leave when someone tells them that? Lesbianna stays. She respects Rumer’s decision not to go to the party. She never has to go as long as she’s there for Lesbianna when she gets back. And right on cue, Alexa walks out of the bathroom. She should have specified alone. As long as she’s there alone when she gets back.

Nigh-oh-mee’s. Naomi finds Liam in the kitchen. She regrets what happened. She comes clean about why she did it. How she was so angry at Canon and how no one was on her side. She never thought it would go anywhere but once he found out things spiraled out of her control. He grabs his stuff and heads back to his mom’s.

Ivy’s. Dixon finds Ivy to thank her for getting him the job. He notices her gloomy puss (not that one, sickos) and asks what’s wrong. She tells him about getting dissed by Liam. On the bright side, she can move on because she’s over him. Being rejected 20 times is her limit. Dixon’s glad to hear that. Like really, really glad to hear that. He confesses his true feelings for her and asks her on a date. She accepts. How fun for us.

Note to Tristan Wilds: Shut up and go take an acting class. Ivy out-acted you in that scene for God’s sake.

Coffee Shop. Navid finds Lesbianna writing in a journal. She’s actually writing a song about being cheated on. It’s the future b-side to the song she wrote for Navid. That should sell well. She tells him about Rumer. It sucks but she’ll survive. Goddamn this girl is drama! Navid smiles. He’s proud of her, of how far she’s come. Borianna would have snorted her problems away, but Lesbianna drinks coffee and writes, what will probably become, really annoying, whiney white girl music. She asks him to stay and hang out.

Back at Laurel’s, the party has ended and she finds Matthews sitting on her front porch alone. He knew he couldn’t drive home because he was high. That and he couldn’t find his car. Laurel apologizes for not telling him about Dixon and Lesbianna. She’s not a consequences oriented gal and she understands if he can’t be with her because of it. Suddenly, he’s OK with it. It’s probably the big joint she’s waving in front of his face.

Liam walks into his garage and finds his dad, the guy who followed him earlier. He’s out of the joint and took the first bus out west when he found out where they were. Where’d he get the car?

Casa Wilson. Annie walks into her room and finds a large picture of Jazz-Hand’s uncle over her bed. She rips it down and throws it away. She looks over and finds another one has taken its place. She takes that one down and there’s another one. The camera pans around the room and it’s covered in the picture.

West Bev. Everyone hates Naomi. They stare and point at her. Kinda like they did to Annie at the beginning of the season. Payback’s a motherfucker. She takes some alone time on the bench outside where Annie finds her. She tells Annie she’s a terrible person. Annie doesn’t think she is. She of all people would be the best judge of that. I think Naomi should cut herself some slack, don’t you? No? Alright.

Annie understands what it’s like to have a lie spiral out of control and take on a life of it’s own. I guess, the difference being that Naomi almost ruined Canon’s life. Annie ended one.

Fin.

OK, Gasmii, we get a week off next week…just in time for my trip to NOLA! It’s for business, but I plan to work in a little pleasure. If you know what I mean, wiiiink. I’m talking room service here people!