90210: Guess He Wants To Play, Wants To Play, A Love Game, A Love Game

This week on 90210, the writers seem to be pulling storylines out of their stinky asses. And for those of you into that sort of thing, there’s more girl on girl action. Still no tongue.

After the longest previouslies in the show’s history, (I mean seriously, they practically showed the entire last episode) we open on Annie storming into Jazz-Hands’ room. The Latina housekeeper who’s following her says her one line and exits stage left. I guess if she got any more lines she’d be using up all the ethnic people’s allotted amount of dialogue. But I would think less Dixon would be a good thing. Just jiving, Gasmii. Dixon’s not ethnic.

Annie calls Jazz-Hands and gets his voicemail. She finds a framed still from the movie they were making in happier times. That gives her an idea…

And in case we were too stupid to figure it out…

Luckily for Annie, Jazz-Hands waited for Annie to hang up the phone, drive over to his house, then drive over to the Hollywood sign and, finally, fun over to the “H”. He tells her there’s no point. Life’s a joke and he’s over it. Replace life with Jazz-Hands in that last sentence and you’ve got a good idea as to how I feel.

Naomi’s. Good God, she’s still in those hideous genie pants. Look they were cool in the early 90′s when Hammer wore them and when I borrowed my older brother’s girlfriend’s to go to a dance. Now they just look silly. Anyways, Liam wants Naomi to report Mr. Canon. It’s been a crazy year for Naomi, the whole thing with Annie and Jen. Liam thinks Jen has hurt Naomi enough. She starts to confess by telling him she’s a lot more like Jen than he thinks but Liam interrupts her. If she were like Jen he wouldn’t be with her.

Beach Club. Is The CW really that cheap that they can’t build another set or go on location?! Simi orders an Arnold Palmer and Silver a regular water. The only reason I’m telling you this is because it’s important later on. Silver asks Simi if he notices anything different about her, a.k.a. her haircut. He’s a guy, you idiot. They never notice that stuff. Besides, you cut, what? Half an inch? She thinks he’s not very detailed-oriented. They go in for a kiss and Silver sees Dixon walk by. He’s there alone. Simi takes this as a cue to offer to set him up with his mixed doubles partner. Dixon thanks him but declines the offer. He throws up the deuces and is outta there.

Back at the Hollywood sign, Annie pleads with Jazz-Hands that it’s not pointless. His response? “Well, what’s the point?” How can you argue with that? He says there’s no point since she doesn’t love him anymore. Right, Annie? She doesn’t answer and just stares up at him. See Annie, this would be a situation where lying could prevent a death. But then again she’s only used to the death part coming first and then lying about it. At any rate, Jazz leans forward and falls of the “H”, looking at Annie the whole time. Creepy all the way to the end…or is it?

Hospital. Jazz-Hands parents walk up to the nurse’s desk asking about their son. Annie’s there, with Becky. In a surprise move, Annie tells his parents the truth. He didn’t fall; he jumped. Granted she didn’t elaborate and tell them why he jumped, but this is a huge step for her, so I’ll let it slide.

Across town, Lesbianna irons on a Glorious Steinem decal onto a t-shirt. This really turns Rumer on. So much so that Lesbianna uses her new lesbionic super powers to get Rumer to do the rest of the shirts. All seems well. At this rate, moving in together and a trip to Home Depot are just around the corner!

West Bev. So now we move Dixon’s little gambling addiction sub-plot along. He asks Simi to hook him up with his dad’s bookie. He puts down $250 on the Lakers. Simi’s dad overheard some inside info about one of the players, so Dixon changes his bet. See, if Dixon still worked at the Peach Pit he could just place the bet with Duke himself, but I digress.

Simi asks if they saw the game last night. Liam was doing something with Naomi and missed it. We don’t know what that something is because he remembered Ivy was in the room and stopped himself. She asks what his problem is. He can talk about Naomi in front of her. Except she pronounces it Nigh-oh-mee. Then Ivy does what she does best. Pouts and leaves the room.

Dixon runs into her outside and asks if she’s OK. They walk and bond over both being treated like dateless losers by their friends. This must be a new occurrence since this is the first we’ve heard about it. I guess, last episode, Dixon was busy with his mom and Ivy was busy not being on screen. Speaking of, where the hell is Navid? So, yeah, Ivy invites Dixon out for a burger.

Cafeteria. Silver, Lesbianna and Liam try to convince Naomi to turn Canon in. Naomi would rather criticize some poor girl’s collagen-injected lips. Silver thinks it’s her moral obligation to do it. Naomi snaps and tells her to stop. Her tone changes when Liam asks if it’s been hard on her. It’s too much for her she whines. After some more badgering from the group, she agrees to see a therapist.

Beach Club. Silver and Simi sit at a table. Simi comments on Silver’s shoes and asks if they’re new. She tells him she bought them in 7th grade, but it was a nice try. Why is she making a mountain out of a molehill? He didn’t know her in 7th grade, let alone how long she’s had every shoe in her closet. Shut up Silver. To make it worse, when Naomiam show up for their double date, she tells them he’s crashing and burning at proving how well he knows her. Ugh. She orders water for the table and makes Simi tell the waiter what kind of water she prefers, sparkling or flat. I’m confused. Does Silver want him as her boyfriend or not? Of course, he orders sparkling, even though we know from earlier that she likes regular. And, of course, she remembers that he likes Arnold Palmer’s. Silver, there’s a little book called Men Are From Mars, Woman Are From Venus that I think you should read.

Note to the writers: Stop! If you don’t have an interesting story idea then don’t grasp at straws. We don’t have to have 12 sub-plots per episode, really. Also, stop sucking.

Dixon and Ivy saunter in for their platonic burger date and freeze in their tracks when they see the gang. They turn to leave but Simi sees them and Silver invites them to join the table. They decline the offer. Ivy blurts out that they’re on a date. In my first LOL moment of the episode, Naomi fake whispers to Dixon that he could do better. They leave. Ivy wonders what the hell that was. Dixon thought it was awesome. Yup, nothing like shocking your friends with bold-faced lies. Let the masquerade begin!

West Bev. Dixon happens upon Simi browsing a lingerie store website for a present for Silver. Simi, three words: know your audience. Dixon relates his own problems with buying her gifts. Simi starts to ask for some advice but stops himself. Dixon reassures him he’s fine and has moved on with Ivy. As a matter a fact, he just bought her the perfect gift. No sharesies, though. Simi might steal his idea. What’s more pathetic? Being the 5th wheel to a group that pities you or lying about being in a relationship?

Hallway. Annie gets a call from Jazz-Hands’ dad. Jazz is going to be alright. Boo. Two broken legs and a sprained shoulder won’t keep him down. His chemically imbalanced brain, on the other hand, is a different story. Dad-Hands thinks Jazz never recovered from his uncle’s death so they’re sending him to a psychiatric facility. Maybe that way he can open up and talk to someone. About life, school, the traffic, un-natural death of his uncle. Oh yeah and before they strap Jazz into his straightjacket he wants to have a little chat with Annie.

Across town, Liam drops Naomi off at her therapy appointment. Luckily, there’s a café in the same building she can wait out the hour.

West Bev. The Inglorious Steinems left their instruments at school and bitch and moan about the school being closed and missing out on their gig. Fancy that. Rumer, all-purpose lesbian, suggests climbing up the fire escape and jumping down into the courtyard. The band runs around the corner and Rumer tries to get a little play from Lesbianna…who backs off when the blond guitarist comes back to get them. What do you expect Rumer? She’s been a lesbian for like 5 minutes.

The girls walk through the hallway with their instruments. Rumer didn’t know Lesbianna was still keeping them a secret. Lesbi isn’t ready to let everyone know, she’s still trying to figure “this thing” out. Rumer points her in the right direction by telling her not to call it “this thing”. Touché.

The girls reach the courtyard wall and wonder how they’re supposed to get their instruments over the wall. Idiots. Is Rumer supposed to think of everything?

Fucking Beach Club. Dixon and Ivy arrive for the show, The Inglorious Steinems and their own. Dixon gives Ivy a necklace of a shark tooth or some shit. A prop for their grand love story. Whatever it is, it’s ugly.

They meet up with Simi, Silver and Liam and Ivy brags about her great “boyfriend” and shows off her the gift her “Poopy” got her. “Yeah. Yeah that’s what she calls me cause she’s my little Stinky Pants.” Heh. That was mildy amusing. The gang head off to get drinks and Dixon and Ivy quickly let go of each other’s hands in disgust.

Back at West Bev, the band runs out of the front doors as the alarm goes off. They jump into Rumer’s VW Bus of Lesbian Lust. Lesbi raises her hand for a high five and Rumer leaves her hanging. Denied!

Fucking Beach Club. At the bar, Simi gives Silver her gift, golf ball sized diamond earrings. She tells him she loves them but the shocked look on her face when she turns around tells otherwise.

Backstage, the band piles on the eyeliner as Lesbianna freaks out. She’s never sung in front of that many people. She can’t do it. Lila tries to calm her down but she’s not having it. Lurch, the undead drummer, tells her that they’re a band and they’ll stick together. If Lesbi doesn’t go on, none of them will. Spare me. If they were as legit as Rumer was telling her a couple eps back then they should be ripping her a new asshole right now.

Back from commercials, the girls head out on stage. Lesbianna grabs the mic and looks around a bit prompting Lila to introduce the group instead. The music starts. After the first verse Lesbi starts getting into it but, my God, homegirl needs to work on her stage presence. She’s just kinda bouncing up and down making stupid hand gestures.

Ivy spots her mom, Lauren, at the bar. She’s an old friend of the guitarist’s dad. Still doesn’t explain why she’s at a high school function, but whatever. Lauren wonders which one of the friends she’s there with is “that jerk, Liam”. Ivy nods in his direction and Lauren makes fun of his helmet hair. Seriously, he’s starting to look like the fifth Beatle. The camera pans to the side of the bar and we see that Naomi’s been listening the whole time.

Hospital. Annie stops by to check on Jazz-Hands. He tells her not to lie to him; she’s there to make sure he keeps her secret. She thinks it would be great if he stopped manipulating her. He’s been doing it since the beginning and used her guilt about his uncle to get a relationship out of it, but she doesn’t owe him one. He wonders what incentive there is to keep him from going to the police. I guess she got over being scared shitless and says that there isn’t any. He tells her everything he did was out of love…and that’s why he’s not going to tell anyone what she did, ever. She thanks him and leaves.

Has anyone else noticed that they never come right out and say the word “kill”? It’s always “what happened” or some variation. She fucking killed a guy. She hit him with her car and he died. Are they really going to let her get away without confessing?

Fucking Beach Club. Now Lesbianna is acting out the lyrics through hand gestures.

Their song ends. As the crowd cheers, Lesbianna soaks it in a bit and decides this is the perfect moment to say it loud and proud. She’s here, she’s queer, don’t get too used to it, we plan to have another season. She makes a beeline for Rumer and plants a big, juicy, dry one on her.

Inside, Silver cops a little attitude with Simi and he wonders what’s wrong. Aunt Flo? No, actually, she hates the earrings. She knows it’s the thought that counts but the only thoughts she’s having are about slave mining and orphans in Sierra Leone. I guess she saw Blood Diamond too. That movie ruined my quest for a perfect pair of princess cut diamond earrings. Leonardo DiCaprio is an asshole.

Simi laughs (at her) and pulls out her real present, a leather-bound first edition of Madame Bovary. He does pay attention. He knows her and knew that the earrings would piss her off. Luckily, they’re fake. The kiss. All is well until their next imaginary crisis.

Naomi finds Ivy alone at the bar. She wastes no time in outing Ivy and Dixon’s fake relationship and gets some pleasure in calling them pathetic. Ivy fights back with a “you don’t know what you’re talking about” and ups the ante by walking up to Dixon and planting one on his half opened mouth. She tells him about Naomi and he pulls her back for another smooth. You know, for good measure. Not because he might actually be falling for her.

Naomi’s. Liam and his exposed chest join Naomi in the kitchen. He asks her about her therapy session. Does she feel better about coming forward? How fast does this numnuts think therapy works? Jeez. She’s not ready to come forward but she is ready with a great story. She thought about what would happen if she did. People would talk, judge her, maybe even blame her for what happened. With tears in her eyes, she tells him she wishes she were stronger but she’s not. She’s not ready and, for good measure, she adds that she doesn’t know if she ever will be. Liam hugs her and tells her it’s OK; he just hates Canon for putting her in that position. A more observant girlfriend would remember how well Liam handles anger. But I guess she’s got other things on her mind.

West Bev. A female student flirts with Canon to get him to let her go home and get her paper. Liam watches from across the hall and looses it when Canon lets the girl go. He pushes him up against the wall and calls him a piece of garbage. All Canon can do is yell “What your name?” as Liam walks down the hall.

Outside, Lauren drops Ivy off. She spots Lesbianna across the parking lot and leaves the car in the middle of the driving lane to go over and talk to her. She throws Ivy the keys to park it.

Lauren introduces herself to Lesbianna and tells her she saw the show and thought she was fantastic. She thought Matthews was hot so take it with a grain of salt. She hands Lesbianna a card. Lauren’s a music producer and she’d like to sign Lesbianna. Of course she does. In a shocking plot twist that everyone saw coming, she doesn’t want to sign the rest of the band.

Simi finds “Poopy” in the courtyard. He wonders if he prefers the more colloquial, “Poops”, or the more formal “Señor Poopy”. BAH! I’ll give props when props are due. Moving on…

Dixon asks if Simi wants his money or not. What money? Looks like Dixon lost the bet he had Simi make with his dad’s bookie. The fact that Simi didn’t know what he was talking about should have alerted Dixon but the boy’s in love with a scarecrow. He’s not really into having good judgment at the moment. Dixon pulls out the envelope his mom gave him and pays him the $250. He then hands over the whole envelope and has Simi bet it all on LA. Snore.

Back in the parking lot, Ivy hands her keys over to Lauren who thinks her daughter should skip school and “head up to Zuma”, whatever that means. Did I mention that Lauren is wearing a silk kimono as a jacket? Ick. As she leaves, Matthews sees her. They exchange some “I’ve seen you naked” eyes. Ivy is rightfully grossed out. Matthews is a bit surprised when Ivy calls her mom.

Ivy runs into Dixon on the way into school and he immediately holds her hand…just in case Naomi walks by.

Speaking of, Naomi’s at her locker doing this:

Silver runs up and tells her Liam’s in Harry’s office for attacking Canon.

Principal’s Office. Harry asks why Liam went after Canon. Liam remains silent even after Harry threatens to expel him. He excuses Canon who runs into Naomi on his way out. After finding out Liam is Naomi’s boyfriend, he tells her Liam’s about to be expelled. She runs into Harry’s office. Liam tells her he didn’t say anything to them. For a minute it looks like Naomi’s going to come clean, but she looks back at Liam, who nods his head with encouragement, and tells Harry that Canon sexually harassed her.

Fin.