90210: If Loving You Is Wrong, I Don’t Want To Be Right

This week on 90210, Kelly wins Daughter of the Year, Jen wins Sister of the Year and Borianna doesn’t win caca cause she’s a lying skank. In other news, Annie had really good hair this ep.

Silver’s Room. Silver reads up on the stages of breast cancer. Thanks HomeOncologist.com! Now I don’t need that second opinion! Kelly bursts and thin-lippedly yaps about cilantro. Nice to see you, Kel. How was your vacation? You weren’t on vacation? Well, where the hell were you when Silver was telling her mom to drop dead at AA and finding out she had cancer?!

Sorry. Where was I? OK, so Kelly thinks it’s all very sad and tragic that Jackie has cancer, but really, no es her problema. Jackie = Drama. Kelly + Silver + Kelly’s Phantom Child = No Drama. It also equals No Fun, but I ain’t no mathmahtishun. Or English teacher. Kelly makes Silver promise to not get sucked back in to Jackie’s alcoholic, cancer-stricken world.

West Bev. Jazz-Hands spazzes out about the current state of cinema. “Kubrick, Tarkovsky, Bunuel. I mean, where are these masters today?” Well, Kubrick’s dead, so…

Annie finds his “passion” charming, even if it’s the reason he has no friends. But who cares what everyone thinks (I do, I do!), she’s impressed (I’m not, I’m not!). She weasels a movie date out of him. She got over killing his uncle pretty quick. Teenagers are so resilient.

What’s His Name and 2 football goons spot our happy couple from across the parking lot. The goons give him shit for getting dumped by Annie for “Mr. Columbine” aka Jazz-Hands.

Fancy Rich People Stables. Jen grooms a horse as some oil money rich foreign guy invites her to “stay for breakfast”. Wiiiink…I’m talking sex here. Jen coyly plays hard to get. She’s not that kind of girl. What’s wrong Jen? This guy too ethnic for you? Her eyes bulge out when she spots a horse in the background. His name is Continental Accent and he’s a potential gold mine. And I’m sure that’s the last we’ll be hearing of that.

Naomi and her afro stroll up and scare Foreign Guy off. I wonder if she ever gets mad that Jen got the good hair…

Now on horseback, Jen tells Naomi that she’s started divorce proceedings (thanks to Naomi’s advice) and she’ll just be needing a little over $100K to retain the lawyer. $100K retainer? Is that all? Did you want fries with that?

Naomi thinks that’s a little steep. Well, Jen thinks it’ll take a good (read: expensive) lawyer since that darn ol’ pre-nup she signed is pretty solid. Pre-wha? If the lawyer can prove Olivier committed adultery then they can show that Jen is entitled to part of his assets. It’s so simple, Naomi. Duh.

Naomi worries that if the lawyer can’t prove it then she’s out $100K. It’s her money; someone has to be responsible. Jen doesn’t need any financial or, for that matter, relationship advice from a “trust fund brat” who couldn’t even keep her “high school James Dean happy”.

Beach Club. Navid and Borianna discuss menus options. How about a Mega-burger and fries? No? OK. Navid blabs on and on about shrimp. He always gets shrimp. “Does that make me boring and predictable?” It’s really no fun when it’s that easy, Show.

There’s some awkward silence between the two. Navid acknowledges the weirdness between them and how it’s OK. She’s back at school and put acting on hold. It’s a big shift for her. He drones on and on about their “solid” relationship, but she seems to get a little distracted by Simi in the background.

Then, I guess, the guilt of her woman-simian love finally gets to her cause she breaks up with Navid. The last two months for her have been a blur. Maybe he’s right, it’s been too much. She’s not acting and lost her agent. She’s overwhelmed. Yes, going to high school and not acting on TV or films can be very stressful for a teenaged girl. She needs to figure herself out before she can be Navid’s girlfriend. Well, who the hell has she been for the last year?

The guys (minus Simi) converge at Liam’s clubhouse tool shed garage to listen to Navid cry. He could be saying words but all I hear is WAAH! Dixon, it should be noted, arrives suspiciously late. It also should be noted that Liam won’t let Dixon see some contraption he’s got under a white sheet. Important plot points? Or two things the writers will let fall by the way side like the Peach Pit, lacrosse and Sean.

Back at Borianna’s, our raven-haired beauty wastes no time in texting Simi. “Just broke up with Navid…Guess now I’m free alone” Yeah, you don’t want to sounds too desperate or anything. Speaking of desperate, Simi responds way faster than he could have typed the response. Must be the opposable thumbs!

Matthew’s Place. Jen and Matthews crack open some brewskies and watch some kind of sports type event on TV. Jen wonders how he deals with “those brats” all day. Naomi trouble? Matthews says that she drives Jen nuts because they’re so close. Jen’s all Naomi’s got. Wow. I never really thought of it like that. That’s pretty effing sad. I mean, if these were real people. Moving on…

Matthew then tries to get into Jen’s chonies. Her phone rings and its “Eduardo”. Jen laughs off Matthews’ jealousy. They’re obviously dating other people.

West Bev. What’s His Name chats up Annie. They haven’t hung out much since the boat party. He apologizes for the picture, he didn’t mean to hurt her. The real jerk here is Naomi for sending it out. Yeah, SILVER AND BORIANNA! Sorry. It’s like I have Tourette’s or something.

What’s His Name asks Annie to hang out sometime. She shows us a glimmer of Boat Party Annie when she laughs at him a bit and turns him down. Is she seeing someone? He seems to be OK with the fact that she might but not if Jazz-Hands. He apparently pulled a knife on someone last spring. What’s His Name warns her to be careful.

How the hell did Annie not know this?

Also, are we ever going to find out what Annie had to do in order to get What’s His Name to tell Silver that Naomi sent out the text?

Kelly bumps into Harry in the hallway. Seems like Kelly’s been avoiding him. Just like she avoided Brenda and Dylan when Brenda got back from Paris. Coincidence? He asks her to lunch. She’s busy but she’ll email him. Don’t fight it Kel. Once the other woman, always the other woman.

Tropic of Cancer. Silver surprises her mother with a visit. Over tea, they discuss Jackie’s prognosis, which isn’t very good. She’s got 3 months or so. They found the cancer last year. She did everything they told her, (tried) to get sober, removed the lump, chemo, but looks like it still spread everywhere. Silver didn’t realize she was sick when she told her off last week. Hmm, try it again. This time use the word “sorry”.

Jackie doesn’t blame Silver. She was a lousy mother. That was all in the past, though. Her focus is the present; it’s all she has. Silver takes that as a good sign and thinks maybe they can hang out a bit. Jackie would like that. Then she asks Silver to move in.

Starbucks, West Bev Location. Jazz-Hands chassés up to Annie and asks to join her for lunch. But before she answers she should know that he hasn’t ask anyone that in the last 2 years. She brushes him off with lies about studying for a Chem quiz and peer tutoring after school.

Hallway. Matthews chastises his “wing man” on the phone for bailing on him. Harry’s super sonic ears hear him and he emerges from his office. Desperate for companionship, Harry offers his wing man services. First round, on him. I’m not a dude or anything, but if I were Matthews I wouldn’t want my wing man to be a) my boss and b) someone way hotter than me.

Beach Club. Jen thanks Naomi for meeting her and tells her how “sick” she’s been feeling about their fight. Naomi is relieved. Jen doesn’t think they should fight like that about money. They’re sisters and best friends. So that’s why Jen has decided to move out, just until she figures out this divorce thing. And Naomi shouldn’t worry her frizzy little head about where Jen will get money. She’ll figure something out.

Kelly’s Office. Matthews drops off some work Silver missed. Unbeknownst to Kelly, but knownst to Matthews and Borianna, Silver took Jackie to a doctor’s appointment.

Tropic of Cancer. Kelly the Killjoy pays a visit to the cancer patient. Jackie’s happy to see her and seems to want to make amends with Kelly, but she doesn’t let her. She’s there to tell Jackie to leave Silver alone. She’s doing well, they’re doing well, and they Silver doesn’t need Jackie’s bullshit cancer to ruin their lives! All Jackie wants is to be a mother while she still can. You know, cause she’s dying. Kelly suggests doing that by doing what’s best for Silver, leaving her alone. Kinda like how Kelly leaves her own son alone…

West Bev. Annie thanks What’s His Name for warning her about Jazz-Hands. Now that she’s free and without plans that evening, he invites her to hang out. She jumps into his truck and they ride off as Jazz-Hands watches from the bushes.

Beach Club. Naomi rushes over to Jen and hands her a check. She’s not letting money drive a wedge between her and her best friend. Which, I guess, is more important than it driving a wedge between her and her sister. Jen can’t take the money but Naomi insists. They hug and Naomi tells her to take “that cheating frog ex-husband for all he’s worth”.

Beach. Simi plays on the monkey bars (shout out?!) as Borianna cheers him up. They smooch. Simi thinks it’s great kissing her and not feeling like they’re doing something wrong. No, but it is WRONG! So very wrong.

Kelly’s. Silver finds Jackie waiting for her. She tells Silver that she has no right asking her to move in. Kelly was right and she’ll stay away. Awww.

Lush Lounge. Harry gets bombed as he discusses girlfriend options with Matthews and mortifies him at the same time. Ew. Harry’s an obnoxious frat boy when he’s drunk. Once he leaves to “drain the lizard”, some blond girl that’s way too good for Matthews invites him over to chill with her and her friends. Harry comes back and proves himself to be more of a cockblocker than a wing man.

Back at the beach, Borianna and Simi discuss how easy it was for them to pick up where they left off even though they hadn’t seen each other in a long time. Yeah, easy except for that whole boyfriend thing. Yeah, about that…Borianna doesn’t want to hurt Navid anymore and asks Simi to keep their budding relationship on the DL. Relationship?

Lush Lounge. Harry’s completely bogarted the night and is yapping on and on about his family/women problems. Annie’s depressed, Becky hates him and Kelly’s avoiding him. Speaking of women problems, that blonde girl waves goodbye to Matthews as she leaves.

Back at Kelly’s, Silver heats up some Cup-O-Noodles in her room. She can’t even do that right. You re-cover the cup after you put the water in, stupid! Kelly comes in. Silver’s eating crunchy Cup-O-Noodles tonight no thanks to you being a buttinski with Jackie! In case you haven’t heard, Kelly, Jackie IS DYING! Kelly doesn’t seem to care about that. Silver is bi-polar and for some reason Kelly thinks that means that she’s also incapable of doing anything other than what Kelly says. Kelly is her guardian and that’s that.

Beach Club. Navid moves on to crying to Simi about the break up. He thinks Simi can give him his take on what happened being that he’s so experienced and all. Navid thinks that Borianna’s trying to hide something from him. He just wants to know what he did.

Fancy Rich People Stables. Foreign Guy hits on Jen yet again. She wants in. She’s spending the night? No, she’s going to buy Continental Accent. Foreign Guy warns her that it’s a risky investment. Not to worry FG, it’s not her money anyway.

Beach. Annie and What’s His Name enjoy a rosemantic picnic at sunset. Complete with wine and everything. Because that last time she drank with him ended up so well.

Borianna’s. Oh great, more crying! Borianna and Naomi eat some ice cream and Borianna cries about losing Navid, the love of her life. HA! Good one. Naomi snaps her out of it. He’s not dead or anything, she can still fix it. It’s not like he moved on…hold that thought.

Lush Lounge. As Matthews walks Harry out, the bartender hands him her phone number.

Annie and What’s His Name continue to bond. This time over What’s His Name’s Naomi impression. He kisses her and when she tries to get him to stop. He keeps at it and even uses the “your lips are saying no but your body says yes” line. As Annie starts to tell him to get off her, Jazz-Hands swoops in and saves the day. Annie threatens to call the cops if he gets close to them and then they all kinda just stare at each other. No one asks how Jazz-Hands knew they were there.

Jazz-Hands hopes he didn’t scare her, but he got a bad feeling when he saw them leaving together. She thanks him. He asks her why she dissed him at lunch the other day. She tells him what What’s His Name said about him. He finds the lie amusing and creative. He knows that scared her off and he’s cool with it. She’s not scared anymore…OK, Annie, now you hold that thought.

Casa Wilson. Harry makes Lucille’s magical hangover juice, but left no room for the cranberry juice. Becky helps him out and he thanks her by calling her Kelly.

Fancy Rich People Stables. Jen shows Naomi the horse. Naomi wonders if she’s been doing mushrooms. Yeah, $100K’s worth. Jen tells Naomi that Eduardo gave her the horse and they it’s going to make her, or rather them, lots of money. Is Eduardo supposed to be Foreign Guy? Not all brown people look alike assholes.

Dixon shows up at Toothy’s. Guess they’re still getting’ it on. And I’m also guessing that’s why Dixon was late earlier. So there’s hope in finding out what Liam has hidden under the white sheets! “Fun”!

Across town, Jazz-Hands runs a knife along the side of What’s His Name’s car and slashes his tire. Ooooh!

Tropic of Cancer. Silver’s movin’ in. Kelly may be her guardian, but she’s definitely not the boss of her.

Beach Club. Borianna finds Navid and back peddles like a mofo. All that stuff she said about wanting to be alone? She was just kidding! Duh. And remember how she said she was going through a lot of stuff? Well, she wants to deal with it with him! He likes to solve all her problems, right? Totally! Since they’re taking a trip down memory lane, does she remember that time that she kissed Simi? That was awesome!

Fin.

Hey Gasmii! Thanks for reading this week. Just wanted to let you know that next week’s recap will be a couple days late. I’ve got some super secret stuff going on. Let’s just say it’s something I can’t tell you yet and leave it at that Peace!