Hey Gasmii! Let’s talk. We all know that 90210 isn’t Emmy bait. This is true for most shows on The CW really. It’s not there to enrich our lives or inspire us to be better people. It will never make the list to be included in the Scott Scanlin Memorial Time Capsule or other such time capsules. It is something you have on in the background while you wash your dishes or surf the internet. It’s job is to serve as a barometer to everything wondrous and vile television brings us. How else would you explain this show being on the same night as LOST?
I bet this hangs in every office at The CW.
And we ease into the episode with a scene without dialogue. Small blessings. Annie, like her Minnesotan counterpart, Brenda, before her, takes a leisurely jog around her neighborhood. All leisure ceases when she spots Jazz-Hands driving by.
“Diamond in the back, sunroof top, diggin’ the scene with a gangsta lean…”
Casa Wilson. Becky introduces Dana, Dixon’s mom, to Harry. Dixon hovers around her like a puppy that’s been locked in the house by itself all day. Dana’s there in response to his email about wanting to visit her in Phoenix. She tried to write back but felt it was better to talk to him in person. That’s certainly a big change for someone who couldn’t even get out of the car to talk to her last year“>last year.
Speaking of, Annie comes home and forgets that she and Dixon didn’t really tell Harry and Becky about the trip. She and Dana hug like old friends. Becky’s eyes may have actually come out of their sockets a little bit. Dixon fesses up to the ‘rents about the trip and about being too much of a little girl to get out of the car to talk to Dana. Becky finally has a chance to release her sphincter muscle when Dana says she’s going to check into a hotel but Dixon’s needy ass says she can stay with them.
Beach Club…the only restaurant in or around Beverly Hills. Simi and Silver look over the menu. Simi thinks they should share a meal because that’s the couple-y thing to do. Unfortunately for Simi, Silver is a level five vegan. They go in for a kiss but it’s interrupted by two giggling sluts who say hi to Simi as they walk by.
He tries to ignore the jealousy and insecurity that are radiating from Silver but the call from “Amy”, complete with “I Want Your Sex” ringtone, and the fact that he banged their waitress kinda ruins the mood completely.
Casa Wilson. The fam, plus Dana, sit down for dinner. OK, wait a minute…is this the same night? At the end of last episode, Annie and Silver were having dinner with Naomi and Adrianna. Then Silver went to see Simi at the tennis courts and Dana showed up at Casa Wilson. This episodes started where we left off. Annie then went for a run? And Silver and Simi went to dinner? And now Annie’s eating dinner again?!?!?!? All this happened and it’s still dinnertime?!?!?!?!?! GAH! This show makes me want to vomit with rage.
Back to dinner…they all start to dig in like a bunch of godless savages when Dana asks if they can say grace. Dixon volunteers and recites the blessing he used to say when he was young. He tells her that he doesn’t remember much, trips to Disneyland excluded*, but every once in awhile something will trigger a memory. Like tacos. I guess Dana’s memories of their taco-flavored kisses weren’t that great because she changes the subject. Dixon brings the topic back to him and makes a dumb joke that Dana doesn’t laugh at. And rightfully so I might add. I know I’m supposed to feel sorry for him, but I don’t. I’m kinda hoping Dana punches him in the pancreas, tells him never to email her again and spits in his face. OK, maybe just one of those things.
But really, more like all of them.
*I tried to find a link to the episode recap where Dixon mentions this but I couldn’t. For those of you that don’t remember…Dana is bipolar and that’s why she couldn’t take care of Dixon anymore. During one of her episodes she took Dixon to Disneyland. She was so freaked out that they didn’t leave the hotel room the whole time they were there. I think he told Silver this story when she was going through her crazytown story arc. Remember that? The writers don’t.
Navid’s. Lila, star reporter, stops by to
flirt drop off the latest edition of The Blaze featuring Naomi’s first segment. Navid freaks and wonders how that happened if he left her in charge. Lila, unlike some people, has a life and doesn’t live at The Blaze. So they watch the piece and I don’t know what they’re bitching about. It’s basically just Naomi dishing the school dirt in all her bitchy glory. It’s like Perez Hilton only pretty.
See what I mean? She’s totally flirting with him. She should show more cleav.
Across town, Silver whines to Naomi about all the big-boobed bitches making fuck me eyes at Simi. Naomi thinks she’s asking if she should get implants. BAH! Silver’s not going to get implants but she is going to get over it. Boobies were in his past.
A cups are his future.
Naomi gives her props. She wouldn’t be as calm. You know, constantly wondering when he’s going to cheat. Not really helping, girlfriend. She tells Silver to be sensible. That’s better. “So check his email, monitor his cell phone and follow him occasionally. You know, the usual.” You know, the eps where Naomi is a supporting player really highlight how much she brings to the show.
On the other hand, there’s Annie. Who’s taking out
herself the trash at Casa Wilson. She feels something and looks around. She freaks and runs in the house. Could someone be watching her? Could it be Jazz-Hands who’s sitting in his big ass car about 15 feet away from the house?
Back from commercials, Dixon cries to Annie about dinner. Every time he tried to connect, Dana she would change to subject. He thinks it was a mistake contacting her. Annie, Unlikely Voice of Reasonâ„¢, thinks maybe things didn’t go well because there was too much pressure with everyone there. Maybe one on one is the way to go. Or maybe Dana doesn’t like that Dixon keeps bringing up old shit?
Cocina Wilson. Becky starts reading too much into Dana asking to say grace. See Becky, there’s this thing called religion that some people take very seriously and incorporate into their everyday life. But I digress. Neither Becky nor Harry knew about the Phoenix Road Trip sponsored by Dr. Pepper.
Becky wouldn’t blame Dana for judging their parenting skills. Speaking of, did Dixon and Annie even get in trouble for that? I judgeth thee, Becky. Harry thinks Dixon didn’t mention it because he didn’t want them to feel threatened, which they aren’t. So they need to make sure Dixon knows they’re comfortable with Dana being a part of their lives. Right Becky?
Beach. Dixon, Liam and Simi walk back to their cars…only Dixon’s car isn’t there anymore. Sucks that some random stranger, who doesn’t even know Dixon or Annie, stole the car.
VW Bus of Lesbian Lust. FYI, it’s Rumer’s. I bet you there’s a Janis Ian CD somewhere in the glove box. So Rumer and Adrianna drive along and Ade cranks up the radio when her favorite song comes on. Luckily, it’s not the song she wrote for Navid. Rumer compliments her voice. Instead of thanking her (rude) she tells her she can wait for her at The Blaze after school. She’s as transparent as Jazz-Hands bedroom door and Rumer knows it. She accuses Adrianna of wanting to bump into Navid. Adrianna wonders how she could blame her. Navid got expelled for her and she totally has a thing for grand gestures from pussy-whipped boys. She wonders how she’ll get over a guy like that. Rumer thinks it’ll happen once she meets someone else. It happened to her! I’m sure she’ll tell Ade all about it soon enough.
West Bev. Navid’s back at school and joins the guys out front. Liam doesn’t think being suspended is actual punishment. Navid thinks it was facing disappointed Persian parents that was the real punishment. “My own mother said that I urinated on the legacy of my ancestors.” Yet they have no problem with pornography. Persians are a fascinating people.
Disappointed Persian parents or not, Navid’s glad to be back and ready to take down Jazz-Hands. Simi speaks for the rest of the guys (and Mones) when he says it’s time he lets that
storyline shit go. The first plan didn’t work but the next one will. “He needs to go down. The guy got Ade back on drugs.” And the truth shall set you free! Navid denies any lingering feelings for Ade. If he wasn’t over her would he have noticed his cousin’s blossoming womanhood? Would he be asking someone out “very shortly”? Dixon hopes it’s not his cousin.
Aww, Liam’s been reading my recaps! Cause I know he wasn’t laughing at Dixon’s dumb ass joke.
Later that day? 10 minutes later? The next week? It’s unclear when this is happening but Simi and Silver type away on their laptops. Simi excuses himself to the little simians room and puts his laptop next to Silver with the screen facing her. So in my opinion, what happens next is his fault. An incoming email from “Amy”, aka “I Want Your Sex” ringtone, pops up on screen. The subject line reads “Wanna see you.” so naturally Silver opens it.
They just became official, what, like yesterday? So Silver can untwist her panties and put away her Jump To Conclusions mat for now.
The Blaze. Navid and Lila work on Naomi’s gossip piece. And by work I mean edit it in a way that it sounds like she’s saying “Health care reform is definitely a public issue”. They high five each other but agree that it’s terrible. Navid gives Lila a double take and asks her to dinner. After he finishes stammering through his invitation, she awkwardly agrees. Aww. I like this. Let’s make it happen people!
“I a-like you red hair and Liz Lemon glasses.”
Hallway. Rumer hands Adrianna a flyer for an audition to be the lead singer in a group.
I hate them already.
The Glorious Steinems are West Bev students but they have gigs all over LA. One of the girl’s dad was in GnR. Killer. Rumer again compliments Adrianna’s voice and tells her it would be a great way to get her mind off Navid. Ade thinks Rumer’s sweet (not a thank you, but it’ll do) and agrees she has to get over Navid but doesn’t think an audition is the way to go. She gives Rumor a “you’re a great friend” and is off on her happy way.
Can I get the prop department to do their job and put some paper in their Trapper Keepers for chrissake.
Public Park Yoga. Yoga Teacher offers Becky some coconut water. Becky asks if she can get it with a shot of tequila. YT wonders what’s wrong. She tells him about Dana. He wonders how it’s going. She starts to tell him about how she thinks Dixon’s handling it but he interrupts her to ask how it’s going for her. She’s fine but YT’s yogi senses are tingling. He tells her it’s OK to feel threatened by Dana, her feelings are valid. Is homeboy just super centered and in touch with his sensitive side or super smooth and in touch with lots of neglected Beverly Hills housewives chonies?
So where are the douchey white outfits? Is that only for the beach?
West Bev. Looks like Silver didn’t put her Jump To Conclusions mat away and is in the middle of one wicked game. She can’t talk to Simi about it because then he’d know she spied. Naomi doesn’t think she spied on him. Spying would be going to the coffee shop to see if he shows up. Which is totally what she should do! Naomi suggests sending someone he doesn’t know. Maybe a licensed driver with nothing to do. Where would they find such a loser?
Coffee Shop. Rumer hovers by the magazine rack trying to figure out which of the 10 girls there is Amy. As luck would have it, Amy’s drink order is up. Amy is one busted looking ho. What’s with her outfit? It looks like it cost $20. As Rumer texts Silver that Simi is a no show, he walks in a gives Amy a hug.
After commercials, Amy wonders where Simi’s been and informs him her parents are out of town. He tells her he’s dating someone. Amy, who is ugly and understanding, says she won’t tell if he goes to her parent’s Malibu house with her. Why not just meet there? Why the coffee shop? Oh right, Rumer wouldn’t be able to spy on them as she’s stealthily doing at the moment. Simi reluctantly turns down the
poonani offer. She wonders why he even met her there. Yeah, really. He admits to making a mistake. You know, I really hope this biatch isn’t a recurring character. She sucks and is super fugs. If I wanted to recap a show with ugly people on it I’d be watching The History Channel right now.
Busted and Disgusted.
Beach Club. UH!!! There was nowhere else Navid could have taken Lila for their date? Did the Peach Pit burn down or something? Shit, I’d even settle for P.F. Chang’s. Anyways, Lila walks in looking all cute and normal sized. He acts all nervous and Navid-like and tells her she looks great. AWW!!! They head off to the tables on the beach. While they’re doing that I’ll think about re-activating my eharmony account.
Dinner gets off to a weird start. Talk of table etiquette turns into shared memories of going to cotillion in fourth grade. Turns out, Lila and Navid were foxtrot partners and didn’t even know it! It’s a stretch but I’m OK with it.
Across town, Dixon and Dana’s dinner also gets off to a weird start. Dana breaks the ice by asking the score of the basketball game playing on the TV. You know, I did get that female basketball coach vibe from her. He pauses when she mentions gambling on the games online. She wonders if he disapproves. He’s just surprised. He didn’t know that about her. Dana points out that they’re just getting to know each other. Oh Dixon, it’s hard to believe, but her life did go on without you.
He mentions the awkwardness of dinner last night and how she kept changing the subject when he would mention something from their past. Did she not remember? She did. She remembers it all. Like the one time they ate tacos 89 days straight for breakfast, lunch and dinner. She changed the subject because she didn’t want the Wilson’s to hear that story and think she’s a worse mom than they already do. He thinks she couldn’t handle raising him and gave him to parents who could, parents who are grateful. He then makes another stupid joke and Dana laughs. My theory of only white people thinking his corny ass is funny is shattered.
That’s right, feel bad.
Beach Club. Navid and Lila, Nala if you will, laugh and flirt the night away. These two have great chemistry. They make me want to be a better man. Wait…
So anyway, Navid asks Lila out on a third date, the first being cotillion in fourth grade. She thinks that maybe he asked her out to try to get over Adrianna. He admits that at first that was the case, but he’s there now because he really likes her. He asks for a chance to take her out again and maybe kiss her? Look who’s all Casanova all of a sudden!
Insert Saved By The Bell audience style “Oohs”.
And because the God of ClichÃ©d Dramas demands it, here comes Adrianna and Rumer walking up the beach. She sees Nala kissing (Team Nala!). Rumer tells her it’s OK to be upset. Adrianna wonders for how long. Well, according to Charlotte York, half the total time you dated him. While they wait it out, Rumer suggests she go to the audition.
Aww! I’ll hold back my “Get over it!” for later.
At the audition, Adrianna sings her favorite song, “Jolene” by Dolly Parton. So fitting. But even Dolly Parton isn’t gonna get me to switch teams, from Team Nala that is. Not in the Rumerianna kinda way. The touch of heartache in her voice must have helped because they let her in the group. Sweet! I love SoCal high school bands!
Cupcakes R Us. The girls, minus Adrianna, discuss the merits of cupcakes over cake. I say cupcakes are for wimps. Bring on the Costco sheet cake! Silver’s gloomy puss is putting a damper on the Simi Didn’t Cheat Cupcake Celebration. How can she celebrate when she read his email and then sent Rumer to spy on him. Jesus Christ woman! Are you ever happy? Naomi reminds her she got the answer she wanted and thinks she should put this whole boring subplot behind her. Annie agrees. “What’s done is done. I mean, sometimes we mess up and we just have to move on.” You don’t say.
Unfortunately, Jazz-Hands is making it a little hard for her to move on. What with showing up at every place she goes, like this cupcake shop for example.
At least you didn’t have to turn yourself in right?
Casa Wilson. Becky’s spazzing out about Dixon. It’s getting late and he and Dana aren’t home yet. Harry is too busy with his crossword puzzle to notice his wife emotional state at the moment. Maybe it’s the New York Times Sunday Edition? The phone rings. The police found the car downtown, completely stripped. That’s
convenient for anyone who accidentally killed somebody with it too bad.
Dixon and Dana come home all chummy and talking sports. They head up to bed. Harry then shifts their marriage into the Danger Zone. “Well, so all this anxiety was for nothing, right?” Becky tells him her feeling are valid and it would be nice if her non-yoga teaching husband could understand that.
Upstairs, Dixon logs onto an online gambling site. Nice try, but we knew Brandon Walsh. We loved him. And Dixon, you are no Brandon Walsh.
West Bev. Adrianna shows up for band practice and the grim reaper from Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey asks her where her tambourine is. Adrianna doesn’t own one. I find that hard to believe? It’s all good though. The grim reaper is actually the drummer for the band and she was just testing Ade. If only she’d stop scary me.
So the fifth member of their all girl band shows up and wouldn’t you know it, it’s Lila! I mean, of course it is. Until yesterday they had zero contact with each other despite going to the same school and both being on The Blaze together when Adrianna and Navid were together. But nobody remembers things like that!
Cafeteria. Navid tells Liam and Dixon about his hot date with Lila. Dixon wonders if it was hot enough to let go of his Persian vendetta against Jazz-Hands. He thinks so. He admits that it maybe, kinda, sorta had something to do with Adrianna. Dixon asks him who’s hotter, Lila or his cousin? Navid tells him to shut up. Thank you. But Lila’s definitely hotter. AWWW!!!! Seriously Gasmii, I heart this relationship.
Which means they’re doomed.
Across campus Adrianna has a breakdown. She joined the band to get over Navid and now she’s jamming with her replacement. Looks like someone didn’t do their research. I’m looking at you Rumer. Adrianna contemplates quitting the band; she doesn’t want to be reminded of Navid and what she lost. UGH! Drama! Rumer can’t take it anymore. She doesn’t want to hear about Navid. Why? Say it with me now, because Rumer hearts Adrianna. Heh. Rumer just confessed her feelings in the ladies room. Get it?
She’s a lesbian not a LARPer. Get that look off your face.
Outside, the straights have problems of their own. Silver tells Simi about reading his email and sending Rumer to spy. She apologizes and admits to feeling insecure. What she did was wrong and she’ll never do it again because she knows that she can trust him. All of that is great, Silver, but the problem is Simi doesn’t know if he can trust you.
Jazz-Hands offers Annie a ride home. She tells him to stop stalking her. He’s really starting to freak her out. Jazz doesn’t think she should be scared of him. As a matter of fact, she should probably be thanking him for helping her out. Who else do you think took care of her car, getting rid of any and all physical evidence of the accident?
Just in case you didn’t get the sarcasm.