90210: It’s Too Late To Apologize, It’s Too Late

Esta semana en 90210, Mones is bored by everything and annoyed by everyone. In other news, Naomi is a money exchange away from becoming a total prostitute.

And we open with Navid triumphantly walking through the halls of West Bev. He’s definitely got the post coital bounce in his step. He high-fives the dudes and compliments the chicks he sees in the hall, all while sportin’ a goofy grin on his face.

He meets up with Dixon and the rest of the guys. You know, the white ones. He asks about their weekends. Liam’s got a sure fire way to get Naomi back. He doesn’t want to talk about it, though. Navid, the good friend that he is, respects Liam’s decision and changes the subject to his weekend.

He didn’t even have to beg her or anything! She came back from the Beach Club and totally wanted to break her off a piece of that Persian stuff. It’s almost as if she was feeling guilty about something…

Simi thinks it’s great. So great that he thinks they should celebrate by going on a double date. In other words, the writers need a way to get Simi and Borianna in a situation where they could make the other jealous.

Linda Nails of Beverly Hills. Toothy tracks Becky to a nail salon. Shitty, annoying and a stalker? Toothy makes small talk that results in Becky showing her pictures of her 2 high school-aged children.

West Bev. Naomi and her guidance counselor talk college. Despite being distracted by her counselor’s ankle bracelet and saggy nylons, Naomi tells her there’s no need. She’s going to California University, just like her grandfather. Besides, she’s got her 4 (or so) years at CU all planned out. Year One: she’ll have lots of fun…and pledge Pi Phi. Year Two: there’s so much she can do…with her SAE, football playing beau. Year Three: it’s just him and her…and the crabs he gave her. Year Four: he can give her more…more crabs.

Counselor thinks all of that is great, but with her grades and lack of extra-curriculars, all the grandfathers in the world won’t get her in. Why not waste your trust fund on a community college for two years first. By then, you’ll have married a rich older man. Or you’re dad will have been killed in a mob hit and left you even more money.

Where’s Kelly?

Hallway. Liam sees Naomi at her locker and readies his Phone of Truth. He wusses out when he sees her crying.

Another Hallway. Jazz-Hands creeps up on Annie. He had a great time the other night and wants to continue the fun at this dim sum place in Chinatown his uncle use to take him to. How can she resist such a sweet, guilt-ridden offer?

AA. Borianna tells Navid and Silver that it’s the bestest celebrity filled meeting. And there are donuts! My name is Mones, and I’m a donut-aholic. Hi Mones.

We learn that Borianna’s celebrating 6 months sober…is that right? It’s, presumably, October in TV land. Six months ago was April and she had the baby in May/June? Is that math right, Gasmii? More importantly, do we even really care that she gave Evie Ethel Garland and her husband a crack-addicted baby?

Navid leaves to get fritters. Silver tells Borianna how lucky she is to have him. Really lucky. Like stop kissing your ex-boyfriend in the cabana lucky. On her way to get some seats, Silver spots Jackie in the hall and bolts.

Dixon pulls up to some fat house with flowers. I guess this is Toothy’s place. Roommate and ramen noodles, huh?

She opens the door and tells him to leave and not come back. Why? Cause she followed that white lady you were hugging on last week and found out you are in high school. She feels like a fool. She can’t believe she’s wearing that outfit fell for a high school kid.

Silver’s. Borianna stops by to check on Silver. Jackie got a chip, 30 days sober. She really wants to talk to Silver. Borianna thinks she’s change. Addicts usually do when they get sober, she should know. She use to be a sneaky, manipulative liar. Now she’s that AND a two-timing ho bag!

Before Borianna can congratulate herself any more, Silver tells her that she saw her bestial kiss. Borianna made a mistake. Silver thinks she should tell Navid. It’s not going to go away no matter what. Look at what happened with Ethan and Dixon. Borianna doesn’t think it’s the same thing. Silver was confused about who she wanted while Borianna knows she wants Navid. Or so she tries to convince herself. Either way, it’s none of Silver’s freaking beeswax.

Matthews’ Class. Today’s lesson: Joseph Campbell and the monomyth. Some goofy-haired kid grabs Liam’s phone and starts messing with it. They study that in high school? I would think they’d save that for some bullshit first-year college seminar? What do I know, I got into college cause they needed more Mexicans. Go Tigers! Liam freaks and gets his precious Phone of Truth back only to have Matthews take it. It’s not fair! Waaaah! Maybe he shouldn’t have had it sitting on his desk. Hope he backed up his valuable piece of evidence. You back up, Liam? Right?

Hallway. Silver stops dead in her tracks. What horror has she come upon? Army recruiters? Young Republicans? Zombies? No. It’s Naomi is sweatpants. Ah.

What’s wrong, Na-dawg? Nothing matters now that she’s not going to CU. She might as well start dressing for her burger flipping future. Silver sees Borianna and calls in for back-up. They’ve got bigger problems than their stupid little fight. They certainly seem to care more about Naomi’s fashion choices than they did about Naomi sending out that text of Annie’s boobs.

Matthew’s Class. Class ends and Liam asks for his phone back. Matthews wanted to talk to him about his paper. It’s great and he thinks Liam should enter it in a contest. Does Liam have to? It is me or does Liam’s act sometimes come off as more “whiny baby” than “tough guy”? He’s not going to enter the contest and suggests Matthews find another “special project” to work on. Can he have his phone now? Nope, after school. Looks like Matthews can play whiny baby tough guy, too!

Media Lab/Pool Hall. The guys play pool as Dixon sits around like a mopey bitch. He can’t accept that that’s the last time he’s going to see Toothy. Spoken like the future recipient of a restraining order. He knows she’s torn up cause she said she was starting to fall for him too. Liam thinks that Dixon still has a chance with her. “The point is, if you like someone and they like you, there’s a way around obstacles.” Navid and California Penal Code 261.5 vehemently disagree. Liam encourages him to give it another try. What’s he got to lose? After careful consideration, Dixon follows Liam’s advice. Did I miss the ep where Liam and Dixon were in a head on collision and got brain damage?

CU. Silver and Borianna put their petty differences aside to take Naomi to the CU campus for a…picnic lunch? Afternoon snack? I never know what time of day it is on this show. They hope to get her out of her funk. Don’t listen to that fashion challenged counselor. Naomi Clark doesn’t take no for an answer. She gets what she wants! Just then, some tousled-haired guy, who I’m guessing is supposed to be cute, throws a football in her lap. She throws it back. There’s a meaningful glance and Naomi’s snapped out of her funk. She’s going to get into CU.

West Bev. Liam waits for Matthews outside his classroom to get his Phone of Truth. He decides to get it himself when he finds the door open.

Borianna’s. We’re, thankfully, post nookie. Our sexed-up couple discuss the merits of mini-fridges by the bed and the deliciousness of chicken and waffles. Navid’s “chest” is glistening. Ew. Let’s hurry up and get through this scene, shall we? Basically, Navid tells Borianna about the double date with Simi. She doesn’t want to go but Navid already said they would. So in order to get the inevitable “Simi and Borianna Try To Make Each Other Jealous” scene, or as I like to call it SaBTTMEOJ, she agrees to go.

West Bev. Matthews walks in on Liam going through his desk. Liam has important getting Naomi back kind of stuff on his phone and Matthews wasn’t there to give it to him. This gets him a weeks detention for his troubles. Liam cries that it’s not fair. He shouldn’t have taken away his toy phone to begin with. Matthews ends up giving him another week and a call to his parents. Liam was just kidding. He’ll take the detention. Too late, Phone Boy. Matthews is gonna have a little talk with Papa John.

Beach Club. Naomi tells Silver her plan to get into CU. She hired an SAT tutor who happens to be son of the Dean of Admissions. So, does that mean she’s going to try to get in on her SAT scores alone?

No, she’s going to date the Dean’s son. Duh. They’ll date, his mom will love her, then they’ll break up, but not before forging a lasting bond with the Dean. Silver thinks it may be easier to just study. Naomi’s not much of a test-taker, but she’s a fabulous hooker dater. Unfortunately, Richard, the Dean’s son, is a boring environmentalist so she’ll have to read up on the ozone layer and stuff to reel him in. Remember when Silver used to hate people like Naomi? No? I guess everyone’s forgetting the beginning of the first season.

Toothy’s. Dixon, pizza/heart in hand, asks Toothy to hear him out. He brought a pizza because they met at a pizza place and that’s where he first lied to her. Lying was stupid but he did it because she was the most coolest girl, down to earthiest, beautifulest girl in the world. And he’s glad he did cause she wouldn’t have gone out with him otherwise. So yes, he lied, but the feelings they felt for each other weren’t lies. So now that he’s apologized for lying about his age, how’s ’bout a second chance? Denied!

Silver pulls up to her house in a moped. She drives a moped? Alright. There’s a convertible sports car in her driveway with a big bow and a card.

The next day at school Naomi reads the card. It’s from Jackie. She’s speaking at her AA meeting tonight and wants Silver to go, to make things right. Will she go or won’t she?! I can’t hardly wait. And by that I mean I can’t muster up enough energy to care to wait.

Outside, Jazz-Hands criticizes Annie’s “cinematic naïveté” . He sure is a charmer that one. Her being from Kansas is no excuse for not seeing Metropolis. It’s what the video for “Express Yourself” was based on. It also influenced the film he’s working on. Oh great. He’s an “artist”. He invites her to go see this band he wants to use as part of the score for his movie and promises that she won’t see any of the people she hates that hang out there. What, is he going to kill him?

CU. Naomi empties a plastic water bottle into a SIGG container and pulls out her bike from the back of her convertible. Heh. She rides the bike through campus to her tutoring session with Richard. She lies about riding her bike from Beverly Hills. Richard is impressed. CU is full of earth-hating plastic water bottle guzzlers. He wishes he could put pictures of choking dolphins on the bottles so they would think twice about using them. “Yeah, choking dolphins would be awesome.” LOL, Naomi. You’re a horrible human being, but call me.

Before they get started with the tutoring session, Naomi asks where the “independent theater” is. She heard FLOW was playing their and she wanted to catch a later showing. Richard practically jizzes in her face.

She invites him along. He doesn’t think it’d be proper tutor-tutee behavior but relents. Oh Naomi, in another life, you would have been France’s number one courtesan.

Chez Double Date. Simi arrives with his date and the awkwardness begins. The group make small talk as Simi and Borianna kiss and paw their respective dates. Simi goes in for a lip lock and Borianna spills a glass of water. She seems to be handling all this well. If you consider blatantly showing your jealousy in your facial expressions and actions “well”.

Matthews’ Class. Papa John rips Liam a new asshole. He thinks some kids are just bad seeds and Liam is one of them. Matthews hears this last part and walks in. Papa John introduces himself and apologizes for any trouble that Liam has caused. Trouble? No trouble. Matthews called them in to tell them in person about Liam’s great progress and even greater paper. They should be proud of him. Aww.

AA. Jackie looks around sadly for Silver. Or Kelly. Was Kelly even invited to this? She’s still alive, right? The meeting begins and Silver slides up next to Jackie and apologizes for being late.

West Bev. Liam thanks Matthews for what he did. His detention still stands but Liam can have his Phone of Truth back. He asks Matthews if it’s too late for essay contest. Aww squared.

Chez Double Date. Navid and Simi’s date chat it up. Borianna excuses herself to the bathroom where she waits for Simi. She wonders what’s wrong with him. Oh man. Where do I start. One, he looks like a chimpanzee. Two, he sucks…oh, you were talking to Simi. My bad.

Did he really need to make out with his date right in front of her? Simi asks if it bothered her? Funny, cause listening to Navid talk about sexing her up after they kissed bothered him. So it’s about revenge? Why is she acting jealous? She’s not jealous! God, this is boring! The point is he lays a big juicy kiss on her and she feigns anger. Moving on.

Navid walks her back to the car. She doesn’t want him coming over. She’s not feeling well and needs to sleep. So back off. Oh Bores, it’s nothing a nice big snort of cocaine won’t cure.

CU. Naomi runs into tousle-haired football guy and he walks her over to Reed Hall. His name is Jamie. He’s an SAE pledge and on the football team. Of course he is. Look there’s Richard and wouldn’t you know it, him and Jamie are roommates! Of course they are.

Beach Club. Dixon and Liam arrive for the show. Dixon’s still mopey…or something. Can he be more of a WOMAN. He goes over to the bar to get some drinks and is greeted with an “oh no” from Toothy. He didn’t know she was going to be there. She tells him that the guys in the band are friends of hers, adult friends. Ew. And?

The guys decide to stay despite the death stares Toothy’s giving Dixon. The Script starts off with a song titled “We Cry”. How fitting.

Up on the roof, Annie and Jazz-Hands enjoy the music. Annie thinks it’s perfect and thanks him. Lovey-dovey looks ensue, quickly followed by awkward looks away. Yup, she’s toast.

Can I just say how much I hate the sudden use of the Beach Club as their hang out. It’s not even summer anymore?! What happened to the Peach Pit? Didn’t Dixon have a job there? Gaah!

AA. Jackie talks about all the people she’s hurt, but regrets hurting her kids the most. She was a boozer, a user and a loser terrible mother. That’s why she’s grateful one of her daughters showed up. Not to sound like a broken records but, Kelly? I mean, Jennie Garth’s either gotta be on the show or not. What the hell else is she doing?

Anyway, Jackie thanks Silver for giving her another chance and promises that she won’t let her down again. She steps down and Silver asks to say something. She just wanted to tell her mother (and the other alcoholics in the room) to stay away from her. She didn’t believe anything Jackie said. The next bad day, who knows maybe even this one, she’ll be back on the bottle or pills or Glint. Jackie’s dead to her.

Silver’s kind of an asshole.

Beach Club. The band finishes and the guys get ready to leave. Liam sees Naomi at a table and approaches determinedly with Phone of Truth in hand. Just then, Richard brings over some drinks and gets a kiss from Naomi. Liam shrinks away and misses Naomi throwing up in her mouth a little. Heh.

As they head out, a seemingly drunk Toothy stops Dixon. She’s throwing out some serious “fuck me” eyes.

Back to Richard and Naomi. He’s really surprised by her. She’s not the Beverly Hills brat he thought she’d be. She’s unique. She thinks he is too. He must have some pretty inspirational parents. What are they like? Smooth. His dad’s a radiologist and his mom is a janitor at CU. JK, guys.

Disillusionment Point. Liam listens to the recording one last time and deletes it. Sucker.

Borianna leaves someone a message. She really needs to talk to whoever she’s calling and apologizes for the way she acted. Jeez, it could be anyone. Why all the mystery?

Across town, Toothy and Dixon get it on. Last time, it’s just goodbye sex. Ugh.

Borianna shows up at Silver’s. Silver has a guitar in her hands. OK, so moped and guitar? Really? What happened to her vlog? And her movies? Can we get any consistency up in this piece?

Borianna’s not there because of The Simi Situation. Jackie called her to ask for help in trying to get through to Silver. There’s nothing that Jackie could tell her that would make Silver change her mind. What about Jackie has cancer and she’s dying?

Fin.