90210: Karma, Karma, Karma, Karma, Karma Chameleon

Hey Gasmii. My sincerest apologies for the late recap. Most of the year I’m surfing the web at work and working on my recap but unfortunately we’ve come to one of the two months a year when I actually earn my paycheck. I’m tired, hungry and cranky but as God as my witness, I’ll get this recap done!

And we open in the hospital. Navid wakes up from his fall with a broken arm and concussion. The gang’s all there. He asks for Borianna and everyone kinda does that actor thing where they look away nervously and scratch the back of their head and suck in their teeth. Naomi helpfully reminds him their relationship is toast. Alotta Fagina asks him if he remembers anything. He says left The Blaze office to head to Calculus and that’s all he remembers for now. Then despite having a concussion, he goes to sleep.

Across town, Borianna gets woken up by her cell phone. There are a ton of missed calls from Naomi. Naomi leaves messages recapping the major events of last episode. She tells her about Jackie going to the hospital, then about Jackie dying, then about Navid falling down the stairs. She’s nowhere near as funny as me, but dammit if the girl ain’t concise. She didn’t even bother to mention any of Annie & Jazz-Hands mind numbing storyline. Brava! Anyways, Borianna stumbles out of bed and changes. On her way out, she throws out her pills. Flushing them down the toilet would probably be more effective but she’s probably not stopping by the bathroom to brush her teeth so why bother.

Back at the hospital, Naomi runs for the elevator and finds Liam and Straw-Hat. There’s awkwardness and sideways glances and a shot of Straw-Hat’s weirdly protruding mid-section. Blech. Liam tries to make small talk, asking about Silver but Straw-Hat cock-blocks and ends the scene.

Borianna shows up in Navid’s room to beg him to take her back again. Third times a charm, I guess. She apologizes for her verbal beat down of Navid last ep and blames it on the drugs. He tells her she was the first person he thought of when he woke up. Then he remembered everything she did and tells her to go.

Matthews’ Class. Jen shows up at the end of class to invite Matthews to Springfield Downs to watch Santa’s Little Helper Continental Accent race. Jen promises food and cute hats. Hats must really do it for him cause he’s all over her. Straw-Hat, who’s been listening at the door, interrupts the foreplay and grabs the book she left at her desk. Such a hater. Is there no cock she won’t block?

She runs down the hall and finds Liam. He’s still up for taking down Jen, right?

Kelly’s. Silver and Naomi lay around. Silver wonders if it was bad to leave the Shiva early. Which is odd since, according to Wikipedia, Shiva is more like a period of mourning not the actual funeral. But what do I know? I’m sitting under a picture of La Virgen de Guadalupe for chrissake. Naomi comforts her friend but Silver still seems to be weirded out by all the people at the funeral she didn’t even know. She can’t believe her mom’s in a coffin or that Borianna didn’t show up. She figures it was the drugs. Naomi doesn’t care how strung out she was, she should have been there. There’s a knock at the door and Naomi finds a vase with flowers and a note from Simi apologizing for not going to the funeral.

West Bev. Annie and Jazz-Hands talk about Navid. Some girl in one class said he fainted, this other girl in another class said he had a seizure.

Thank you, Simone.

Jazz-Hands wonders what Navid had to say about it. Because I guess Annie is Navid? She doesn’t know. Harry rode with him in the car and said Navid was out of it. Jazz doesn’t care what Harry said he asked about Navid. Annie apologizes for making Jazz yell at her bringing Harry up. She knows dinner didn’t go well but that’s not going to get in the way of their drudging relationship. I guess neither is the fact that Harry works at the school they’re so casually walking around in. He leaves for class.

Suddenly it’s the middle of the night and Simi is hitting tennis balls off the roof of West Bev. Silver shows up to thank him for the flowers. He apologizes for not going to the funeral. He couldn’t even go to his own mother’s. He tried but couldn’t get out of the car. He thinks he’s a coward. Silver rushes over to him. They hug…uh oh. That hug’s lasting a little too long. Didn’t I just express concern that the writers would ruin everything by getting these two together? For once I wish I wasn’t right about everything.

After the commercial break, Silver realizes the bestial act she is committing and pulls away. They both acknowledge being vulnerable and apologize. Silver guesses they are boyfriend/girlfriend now. Simi looks like he messed his pants a little. Bah! Good one, Silver. These two work so much better as friends. Sigh.

So now I guess we’re back to the middle of the day. What’s with the non-linear timeline? It’s interesting when they do it on Lost, but nothing on this show is interesting. Jazz-Hands sneaks up to Borianna’s locker. He thinks she’s probably running low on her zombie pills. Borianna is clean now. How many hours sober we’ll never know, but either way she won’t be needing any more pills, thank you very much. He’s extremely moved by her will power and all but really all he wants to know is how Navid is. He’s fine. A no memory of how he got hurt motherfucker, but he’s fine.

With that news, Jazz takes off to find Annie and lay a big wet one on her. He apologizes for being a “dick” earlier (yesterday?! this morning?! WHEN?!) and blames it on Harry & Becky’s disapproval of him. Annie gets it. She’s like totally upset about it too. They exchange clichéd declarations of love and Annie heads to class, not before running into Harry first.

Across campus, Straw-Hat and Liam play pool in what I’m assuming is billiards class. She wonders if Liam wants to get back at Jen because he’s still into Naomi, only she pronounces it “Ny-omi”. Why does Straw-Hat even exist? Ugh. Liam defensively denies doing it for the nookie Naomi and reassures Straw-Hat with a kiss. Simi walks in to witness the horror. Liam and SH down play it and tell him they aren’t a couple and to keep it on the down low…because no one ever finds out about things kept on the down low.

Casa Wilson. Annie and the ‘rents argue. She accuses Harry of spying on her and he reminds her of what exactly it is he does for a living. She tells him he can control what she does at home but not at school. Again, Annie, he’s the PRINCIPAL. This girl really has a problem with authority figures. Becky puts an end to the scene by beating her ass grounding her.

Over at Kelly’s, Silver and Naomi play dress up in Jackie’s old clothes. Naomi once again proves to be a really good friend by acting a fool to cheer Silver up. Before Silver can cheer up too much Borianna walks in to remind her of all things lame. She apologizes for being shitty and wants to make it up to Silver. Naomi swoops in to put that crack bitch in her place. Silver needs friends she can depend on and that ain’t Whitnianna Houston-Duncan.

Borianna responds to this by digging through her trash for the pills and flushing them down the toilet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Spare me the dramatics.

Casa Wilson. Everyone still seems to hate each other. Becky asks what Annie & Dixon have planned for the day. Annie has “chem study group” but guesses she can’t go cause she’s grounded. I’m guessing that Becky never used the old “going to study” story as code for “sneaking off to hang out with boys” since she’s letting her go. Dixon calmly tells Becky that he will be hanging out with his friends. I’m sure that not snotting off to Becky was really hard for him. Becky tells Annie she’ll take her to school and Annie brats that the day is just getting better. I know she’s a fictional character but sometimes I want to pull a Temple of Doom up in this bitch and rip out that girl’s heart with my bare hands.

Becky drops Annie off at West Bev. High schools are open on the weekends? Has so much changed in 14 5 years? Predictably, Jazz-Hands pulls up seconds after Becky drives away.

Springfield Downs. Two anorexic hookers…oh, I mean Naomi and Jen stop by the stables to give Continental Accent some encouragement. Naomi tells the horse it’s muscular and well endowed. Heh. The jockey, star of Little People, Big Horse, thanks her for the compliment. He seems to have taken a liking to Naomi and flirts with her as only someone with a Napoleon Complex can…

Later, Naomi loads up on lobster buffet as Matthews’ shares his thoughts on Kierkegaard with Jen and some unfortunate souls in the background. Naomi joins Silver who’s glad to be out in the “real world”. I don’t know. Mom dying? Doesn’t get any more real than that. So, yeah, a waiter (do you call them waiters when it’s a buffet?) brings Naomi a gift from a secret admirer.

Every time someone says “secret admirer” I think about that one Brady Bunch episode where Jan gets a locket from a secret admirer who ends up being Alice. Good times.

Casa Wilson. Becky drops off some clean laundry in Annie’s room. It’s called tough love, Becks. You should try it some time and make the whiny brat clean her own chonies. She finds Annie’s chemistry book sticking out from under her bed. Really Annie? Imbecile.

Springfield Downs. Silver wonders why anyone would name a horse Daddy Loves Pumpernickel. Naomi thinks it’s disgusting. The name? No, what Straw-Hat is wearing. LOL, Naomi. KIT! Simi, Dixon and our little damaged-hair fashion victim mosey on up to the box seats next to Naomi’s. They exchange pleasantries and Naomi comments to Silver, rather loudly, that she wouldn’t use the shirt Straw-Hat’s wearing to scrub her bathtub. For some reason, this rubs Straw-Hat the wrong way and she makes an unwitty comment about Naomi being a tranny. Leave the insults to the master sweetie.

Simi, in the mean time, is getting the waitress’s digits. Dixon congratulates him on being a player. He thinks it’s better to not be tied down because girls in the world ain’t nothing but trouble. Simi agrees. But his lingering stares at Silver (that NO ONE seems to notice) give him away.

Naomi gets another gift from her admirador secreto, a horseshoe necklace from Tiffany’s. She asks the waiter if her admirer is 5 feet tall. He isn’t, but that’s all he can say…

Beach. Annie and Jazz-Hands say stupid things and make out.

Springfield Downs. Simi, Dixon & Straw-Hat wonder what’s taking Liam so long. Apparently, he’s gone to some tech geek to retrieve the deleted recording of Jen. Just then, Liam joins them. It worked!

Oh shit? Or well played? Or just get on with it already?

It’s race time! The prospect of the $200K grand prize has gotten Jen over the whole cell phone recording thing. To Matthews’ surpise, Naomi lets slip that the horse was a gift. Jen doesn’t have time to lie her way out of it cause the race starts. There’s horses running. There’s cheering. I don’t know who’s who, but the announcer names Continental Accent the winner.

Inside, Dixon runs into Silver. He gives his condolences. She thanks him for going to the funeral. Aww. That’s sweet. These two still have no business being a couple, though. She tells him how bad she feels about kissing Ethan and he forgives her. They hug.

Winner’s Circle. The jockey mugs for the camera while Jen and Naomi shower him with praise.

Hospital. Borianna stops by to tell Navid she figured out why she did what she did. Even though she wasn’t doing drugs while she was with Navid, she was still acting like an addict. Her self-destructive personality can’t handle it when things are going well so she sabotaged their relationship. She’s going to work on herself and she’s there whenever he wants to be friends. Tell it to Dr. Phil, honey.

Springfield Downs. Liam hangs by the bar watching a race. He gets overly excited and puts his phone down on the bar. I guess so Jen could have an opportunity to grab it and put the plan in motion. Er, I mean to put herself right where they want her. Umm, rather, to uh…oh forget it. The plan is in motion, OK?

Naomi gets another gift from her admirer.

In a carefully chosen random location, Jen and Liam talk it out. Jen thinks it’s cute how he was playing spy. She asks if he has any other copies. He’s sick of being bullied by her and warns her that Naomi will find out the truth. Jen looks down to Naomi and her red hat and thinks she’s dumb as dirt and won’t find out.

Wait a minute! Naomi is actually walking with the waiter and is wearing a black hat. Sneaky. He leads her to an empty sitting room where she waits for him by casually couch.

The waiter texts Dixon who’s out by the track. Dixon pops open his rainbow colored umbrella. I yawn and look at my bed hungrily.

Jen asks Liam if he has any other copies of the recording. He doesn’t respond so she smashes it into pieces with her size 10 heels. Liam feigns anger and takes a quick peak down to Dixon.

Bring us home, Liam. Mama needs her sleep.

He walks towards Jen angrily, backing her up to within earshot of Naomi. She threatens to call his step-dad, but he tells her he’s not giving up until Naomi knows the truth. Jen didn’t enjoy prom night sex and assures him he was the most boring guy she’s ever been with. And with that announcement, Naomi walks out.

After Naomi tells Jen she never wants to see her again, Liam runs over to his merry band of spies and they allhigh five each other. Yeah, guys, you may want to move your little celebration somewhere where the devastated girl who just lost the last family member she thought she could trust can’t hear you. Rude.

After commercials, a teary-eyed Jen finds Matthews and asks to leave. Matthews is more interested in the news that Dixon just told him about Jen sleeping with her sister’s boyfriend, a high school student. BUSTED! Jen tries to lie her way out of it but he sees right through her so she confesses. She admits to doing terrible things but that was before they met. He’s made her a better person and she asks for a second chance.

Before he can answer, Foreign Guy walks over to congratulate Jen on her winning investment. The investment Matthews just found out was a gift. He figures out she bought that horse with Naomi’s money with her knowing. Jen thought that as long as she told him the truth there wasn’t anything that could scare him off. I don’t think that works if the truth is that you’re a filthy liar. It really just kinda cancels each other out.

Up in the Room of Truth, Naomi cries on Silver’s shoulders. Silver reassures her that she’s there for her. Aww, these guys are really good friends to each other. Ten bucks the writers ruin it by year’s end? Any takers? Yeah, so Naomi runs out to go talk to Liam.

We see Simi watching Silver through the curtains. For some reason he doesn’t go in to talk to her but makes a series of dumb faces. I’m assuming he meant to express something, but I’m not exactly sure what.

Straw-Hat finds Liam moping. He doesn’t think getting back at Jen was worth hurting Naomi. Straw-Hat reminds him that he proved his innocence and “vanquished his arch-nemesis”. He perks up a little and thanks her for her help. It’s then that Straw-Hat does what every character on this show does well: ruin everything. She kisses Liam in front of Naomi, who quickly turns and walks away defeated.

Casa Wilson. Harry and Becky confront Annie about finding her textbook in her room. Just when I think the ‘rents are going to finally redeem themselves and stop being door mats their kids can wipe their shit covered shoes on, Dixon comes in and claims the book as his own.

Annie heads over to Dixon’s room to thank him. He tells her he owed her one. He should have apologized sooner but he believes her now about not sleeping with Liam. He tells her that Liam told them it was Jen. She doesn’t rip him a new one for not believing her in the first place but at least she’s not being a bitchface to him. Ebony and Ivory reconcile.

Over at Kelly’s, Naomi’s moved passed disbelief and has comfortably settled into self-pity. Silver heads out to raid Kelly’s fridge and Naomi reaches for her phone. She leaves someone a message asking him or her to call her back and apologizes…to Annie. This is one of their better fake-outs because for a minute there I thought she was calling Jen. I may be suffering from sleep deprivation.

Hospital. Straw-Hat fills Navid in on the events of the day, as Liam seems to still be thinking about Naomi. Straw-Hat suggests going out to get some burgers. Mmm, In-N-Out. He reminds her that he’s in a hospital. She grabs his shoes to sneak him out and Navid has a House moment. He remembers getting pushed and knows who did it. Dun, dun, DUUUUUNNNNN!

Fin.