90210: Like A Virgin, Touched For The Very First Time

This week on 90210, Borianna runs back into the loving arms of Drama, Jen outsmarts Liam and vice versa, and Dixon digs himself into a deeper hole. In other news, Jen finally bought chapstick…with Naomi’s money, of course.

Fancy Restaurant. Borianna and Navid feed each other some ice cream. What was that I mentioned before about baby weight? Navid snaps his fingers and some goons with dessert trays come over to their table.

So Borianna picks the covered tray and underneath is a yellow tennis ball. She turns back to Navid and Simi smiles back. He has a treat of the 6-pack variety…and then Navid, who I’m pretty sure doesn’t have a 6-pack, wakes her up.

The Blaze Staff is working overtime. Silver makes a smart comment about working on the weekend but I’m distracted by Rumer’s presence and Leno-esque chin. Does it get it’s own credit? Damn. Some nerd brings in Mr. Chow for lunch. Rumer will continue working weekends if Navid keeps ordering from there. Oh and P.S., Borianna, your BF is awesome. Low standards much?

“Napa”. Dixon and Toothy listen to Goapele’s “Closer” in bed. Well, so much for liking that song. There’s a shot of Dixon’s hairy stomach, then teeth, then I think I saw some tongue. Ew. We’re fortunately interrupted by a call from Navid, that rings for what seems like 5 minutes without going to voicemail. Toothy leaves for the shower so Dixon can take the call.

Navid’s been checking his credit card charges online and it looks like Dixon charged a couple’s massage to it. Dixon’s living the dream. More like my really annoying recurring nightmare. Navid reminds him it’s all a lie. Dixon knows and will come clean, eventually. Fall sweeps, maybe?

Dixon appreciates everything Navid has done. Lending him the car, renting the hotel room, lying to Harry and Becky. Navid warns him that he better be in school tomorrow, because if he runs into Harry he’ll give him up. Toothy calls him into the shower with her and he’s off like her dress on the first date!

Beach Club. Naomi runs into Liam who’s waiting for Simi. He reiterates for the 4,393,349 time that he didn’t sleep with Annie, that what she said (while awesome) was a lie. She has to trust him. Wipe that hurt puppy dog look off your face Naomi, cause here comes Jen to tell you how to think!

West Bev. The Blaze Staff sits around trying to find news stories online. Rumer finds some info on Annie’s roadkill from last season. He “just” donated $100K to the school. From the grave? Silver wonders how a homeless man has that much money. I’m guessing he wasn’t born homeless, but I’m not an ace high school reporter. Navid assigns Silver to report on it and Rumer to produce the piece.

Borianna’s. Hey Borianna’s mom, Constance, is back! Last time we saw her she had turned a new leaf and started to be the mom a court appointed parenting class teacher would be proud of. Let’s see what Connie’s been up to, shall we?

She checks Borianna’s hands to see if they’ve been injured since she hasn’t called her agent in two weeks. As Borianna stated many times in the season premiere, Connie, she’s not going to be doing the professional acting thing now. That gets a snotty “whatever” from Constance and a sarcastic “welcome back, Psycho Mom!” from me. Borianna got an audition for a mid-season pilot and if she doesn’t show up to the audition her agent will drop her for good.

“Napa”. Dixon and Toothy oversleep. He’s late for school. It’s the “Power of Love“! Dun dun…

West Bev. Annie roams the hall. She gets a “good morning, skank” from Naomi, an invitation to hang out from What’s His Name and an “I made a mouse pad out of your topless pic” from some nerd. To each she responds with a sassy comeback. Brava!

She walks over to Rumer who tells us that Joe Homeless was a West Bev alum and he donated money to the school in his will. Also, his nephew is a current student and is being interviewed by Silver. Maybe removing the “I did it” sign from Annie’s furrowed brow will keep her secret safe? Maybe not.

Silver asks Nephew for more info on Uncle Joe. A grateful student body wants to know! Well, Uncle Joe was totally schizo. Just like Silver. Fun! Uncle Joe didn’t make any movies that were “…a mix between early Cocteau meets, uh, Un Chien Andalou meets something whack.” BAH! Good one, Nephew. Anyways, there are no leads since the police don’t think of him enough to care. Silver thinks the real asshole is the piece of shit who left him on the side of the road.

Harry roams the hall being all principally and stuff. He tells some Rickie Vasquez wannabe to takes his roller skates off. What does he think this is, the first season of the Facts of Life? Navid pops up and Harry asks him about Dixon. Dixon? Yeah, you know, black guy, toothy, been wearing the same clothes for 2 days? Before Navid can give him up, Dixon shows up. OK, so can Lamborghini’s transform into jets or something. Napa’s still outside of San Francisco, right? What time is it? Where am I?

Simi invites Borianna to lunch. She can’t. She’s gots abs, er, chemistry lab. That’s right. Oh, Bore. So dumb. So horny.

Restaurant. Mama Liam oohs and ahhs over the “Ark dee Triumph”. She’s can’t believe Papa John is taking her to Paris, she’s never been out of the country. Liam reminds her that his dad took her to Montreal. So liar, liar, pants on fire. Papa John doesn’t want Liam to take that tone with his mother. Mama Liam sees something in a magazine and shows Liam. Stay tuned…

Beach. Dixon blabs on and on about how in tune him and Toothy are. Navid and Simi know. She knows him so well, except that one part that makes her a felon. He’s going to tell her. When the time’s right. Season finale?

Jen and Naomi’s Glass House. Jen arrives home with a date and is greeted by Liam, who may or may not have been hiding in the bushes. He wants to talk to her about Olivier. Ring a bell? No. Tell me more, tell me more. What it love at first site?

She sends her date inside and Liam shows her the magazine article. Looks like she chased after a lot of guys with money and titles before marrying Olivier. It lasted a month and then she was broke. Naomi never mentioned this to him. Does she not know? Jen cuts to the chase and asks what he wants. He wants Jen to tell Naomi what happened on prom night. She asks for 24 hours and he agrees. So, Liam’s retarded, right?

Lunchtime. Borianna and Navid talk about the audition. He thinks her agent sucks for blackmailing her into auditioning. True, but if she goes she only misses Humanities. What the hell class is that? Is that the one where they write for the school magazine?

He thought she didn’t want to act anymore. No, she just wants to take a break and NOT get dropped by her agent. Do you want fries with that, Borianna? He thinks she should skip it. Acting = Hollywood = Drugs = Pregnancy = Bad. She remembers. Simi wanders over and makes a Borianna sandwich. She leaves to go call her agent.

Outside, Annie gives her condolences to Nephew. She’s so sorry. Did Annie know Uncle Joe? They’ve bumped into each other before. Zing!

Silver runs after Simi and asks for a interview for her article about Joe Homeless. He was surprised at the money, after all, he thought it was just a homeless guy. Silver rips him a new one for being a jackass. She again asks for an interview but he refuses.

Matthews’ Class. He asks Navid where Borianna is. Navid lies that she’s at a doctor’s appointment.

Jen and Naomi’s Glass House. Jen tells Naomi that she’s was married. Well, why didn’t she tell her? Because right after they were married, Olivier cheated on her and she left him. Hmm, anything else? Because she spent all her money before she met Olivier and now she’s broke. Right.

Naomi reminds her that she’s been paying for everything with her bottomless trust fund. Was Jen planning to live off her forever? Of course not, don’t be ridiculous. Jen just needed to get out of Europe and figure out what to do. Ever heard of this thing called a jobby job? It sucks but at least you get a quarter of your wages taken out for taxes. So there’s that.

Turns out, Jen’s never heard of a job so she tells Naomi that she’ll swallow her pride and go back to Olivier. On the bright side, she’ll be able to pay Naomi back. Naomi will hear none of it. She doesn’t care about the money. She cares about her sister and doesn’t want her to go back to a loveless marriage like that of their parents.

West Bev. Harry leads a memorial for Joe. He was a kind man, a homeless man, a crazy man. Annie makes her way through the crowd. She may as well be standing under a neon arrow with an “I DID IT” above it. Looks like Nephew knows what I’m talking about. Or does he?

PCH. Dixon and Toothy are off to something called “Joffrey’s” for lunch. Toothy’s excited, but honestly, she’s not really used to all this fanciness. She’s got student loans, a roommate and a kitchen cabinet full of ramen noodles. She probably shouldn’t be saying it to him but she feels that she can be “real” with him.

Speaking of keeping it real, Dixon asks what she was like in high school. She was like any other high school kid, a dumb know-it-all. Hey Judgy-Wudgy, some high school kids are tramps. Dixon thinks that some can be mature. She wonders how mature they can really be, they haven’t done anything. Well Dixon’s been to Napa, was an unknowing participant in a sex tape and had shower sex. I graduated from high school in the 90′s and have only done one of those things. Hint: It’s not one of the fun ones. Or is it?

Where was I? Oh, Dixon gets a flat tire.

Fancy Pants Restaurant. Simi tells the gang a Warren Beatty story. A waiter offers the table some hor d’oeuvres. Silver can’t believe he talked to the guy. He’s just a waiter. He apologizes to Silver and denies her second request at an interview. She calls him a snob and thinks that even though he apologized he still thinks he’s too good to talk about some nobody homeless guy. The truth is, Ms. Foot-In-Mouth, he can’t talk about it. Legally. He’s part of an ongoing investigation. He shouldn’t have even talked to Navid.

Borianna walks in. She went to the audition, she wanted to keep her options open. Navid’s disappointed in her. Doesn’t she remember all the things they went through last year? I believe she went through them and he just was kinda there. She wishes he understood how acting makes her feel. He wishes she understood how she makes him feel! He makes it about him and how her actions have ramifications and blah, blah, blaaaaaahhhhhhh. She gets a call from her agent. She got the part.

West Bev. We get the obligatory ‘rents and kid scene with Annie who heads home. Nephew follows.

PCH. Dixon calls Navid to freak out about the car. He doesn’t want to call AAA cause they’ll ask for his Age 21 in 2014 license. Navid, finally, tells him to deal with it himself.

Toothy calls him over to the trunk of the car. Why does he have a trunk full of porn? Clearly, Dixon’s a pervert. Why else would he have all of it? He might if he’s in the business. Say what? Not the perverted part, the money part. He said he was in music because he wanted to get into it, but porn is how he makes the skrilla. He’s sorry he lied, but he was embarrassed. She wonders what else he’s lied about. Are we even surprised at this point that he says nothing?

West Bev. Nephew stalks catches up with Annie and thanks her for going to the memorial. He asks her to go for a ride with him. She can’t. It’s cool. He just needed to talk to someone. You know, cause his uncle was run down in the street like an armadillo on a cool Texas night. Annie buckles under Nephew’s childhood memories of a loving uncle. What happened to that unleashed She Wolf from last week? I miss her.

Nephew’s name is Jasper, by the way.

Silver asks a pouty Navid if he’s seen Simi. He hasn’t but he can’t see how he’s ruining his relationship either, so…

Somewhere scenic, Jen meets with Liam. Did she tell Naomi the truth? Yeah, Naomi knows all about Olivier and her money problems. Jen thanks him for making her do that. She feels free as a bird. Liam seems to take the news well. A little too well.

Beach Club. Simi finds Borianna in a cabana. She’s ☹ She tells him about getting the part. She doesn’t know what to do. She loves acting but Navid is a bad boyfriend and has made her question herself. Or something like that. Simi hugs her. Their eyes meet. Their lips lock. Silver walks in. D’oh!

Borianna soon realizes that she’s kissing the missing link and takes off.

Across town, Annie and Jazz-Hands sit on his car and talk about the stars, life and what not. “Our planet, never mind our species, you and me, we’re nothing. We’re like a blip in time. You know, that’s what my uncles was.” He’s way existential. Annie buys into his shitty attitude about life. Don’t look too relieved their, Worriedface Killah. That argument will never hold up in court.

Casa Wilson Way. Toothy and Friend pull up to Dixon’s house. Her eye-twitching friend thinks the house is awfully traditional for a porn king. Doesn’t it bother her? Toothy claims that if it were another guy it would be a deal-breaker but Dixon is special. I’m gonna have to go with Liz Lemon on this. “Shut it down!” Twitchy gets it, they have soo much in common. Like having the same cell phone, for example. Well, it’s a good thing she drove over to his house, with a friend, unannounced, instead of just calling her phone.

Dixon pulls up to the driveway in his mom-mobile and is greeted by Becky at the door. Twitchy wonders who that white woman is and why she’s hugging him. I’m wondering why she greeted him at the door like that.

Borianna’s Room. She tells Navid that she turned down the part and that her agent dropped her. Don’t let the teary, guilt ridden eyes fool you, she’s fine about it. They kiss and Navid proclaims his love. She “is so in love” with him. She really is a good actress. I kinda believe her there for a second. Especially that last part when they START HAVING SEX!

Jen and Naomi’s Glass House. Jen pours Matthews a glass of champagne for no other reason than she outsmarted a teenager it being a Tuesday. He asks how her day was. It was trying, “high school kids are so annoying.”

Especially when certain high school kids use the recording function on their T-Mobile Sidekicks while you unknowingly and indirectly confess to a dastardly deed.

Fin.