90210: Lying changes nothing.

Ahoy hoy, Gasmi! My sincerest apologies for the lack of recap last week gang, but it was Spring Awakening’s opening night and hearing “Momma” again literally drove me into a rage-induced coma. Anywhoodle, we are back with a vengeance (and with an interesting episode to boot)! But before we delve into episode 6, here’s a brief recap of what you missed last week: NOTHING.

Except, of course, for lots of pantaloons.

Okay, okay, episode 5 was not completely without. It was the night of the big musical and Adriana’s mother put far too much pressure on her. What’s a gal to do? Drugs. Brenda called her out on it and pulled her from the play, making understudy Annie (convenient) the lead. She and Ty had totally planned to get it on afterwards, and by get it on I mean deflower Annie. Mom, Dad, Dixon, Silver, hell even Ethan told her it was a bad idea but she had made her mind up. After stealing her show, however, Adriana had a better idea and led Annie to believe that Ty had invited her over too for a little Spring Awakening of her own. Annie is a total prude and refuses the blatant invite into a three-way.

This week kicks off with Adriana and her mother in the principal’s office with Brenda, Kelly and Ryan for a wee intervention. Needless to say, it doesn’t go well, but Adriana does get a good burn in when she tells Brenda it would be a fate worse than death to end up like her. That’ll teach you to come back to a remake of your old show 15 years later, only to have a lame role and not even stir up any big time drama! Principal dad does what he does best and tells Adriana that if they find out she’s been using they will have no choice but to expel her. I’m pretty sure it’s an empty threat though because unless she were using on school grounds he couldn’t do that.

Annie is walking down the hall while every single person she passes congratulates her on a job well done in the play. BULL. SHIT. I’ve been to high school and you had better believe that the majority of kids have MUCH better things to do on a Friday night than see the school play. Umm, hello? The Peach Pit?! It’s a friggin night club they can all get into! Worst case scenario they can bribe a bum into buying them some booze and get wasted in someone’s hundred-acre backyard! There’s also bowling, which is clearly all the rage these days.

Ty is coming towards her and when the two meet up other students in the hall start clapping. Annie books when Ty tries to ask her what happened.

Elsewhere, Naomi and Ethan are walking through the hall while Naomi bitches about her parents. What else is new? Hey writers, can we wrap this plot line up already? Not only could I care less about Naomi’s happiness, but she is getting far too much screen time which has clearly driven your wardrobe stylist off the deep end.

Case in point.

Outside, Dixon and Silver are making out right next to Navid. Awk-ward! Navid laments the fact that he has become the third wheel but it appears Dixon’s adopted hormones are raging and he has tuned everything that isn’t Silver’s boobs out.

Brenda, Kelly and Ryan are discussing what’s next for Adriana and just as they segue into a conversation about plans for the evening, Brenda gets a phone call. It’s Dylan! He’s in Wyoming! And he wants to talk to Kelly! Hmm, a couple of questions: why is he in Wyoming and not California? Why did he call Brenda and not Kelly? Why keep writing him in when he’s not coming on the show? Kelly takes the phone and heads away, clearly shaken up by the call (which, lest we forget, was not even intended for her).

In class, Ryan is giving their next assignment; a paper on future enterprises. As the class leaves, he asks what Annie is doing. When she tells him she’s working with her mom at the fashion show, Ryan asks if Adriana could tag along. The two bicker about hating each other before agreeing to tough it out for class.

Ryan then swings by Kelly’s office to make sure she’s okay and see what douche-face wanted. Turns out Dylan is tired of traveling and wants to give Accident the gift of family. Oh, and did I mention that he wants Kelly and Accident to join him on a ranch in Wyoming? Clearly he is being totally altruistic in all of this. Ryan is heartbroken and asks Kelly if she’s got her phone with her. When Kelly says yes, he asks why Dylan was calling Brenda if he really wanted to talk to her? Ooooooooh and the harsh truth comes out!

He chose ME, remember?

After school at Naomi’s, mom comes in and tells her what a disaster her lunch date was, namely because the man she was with turned out to be gay. Don’t you just hate when that happens? And then you get all defensive about yes, you DID think he was cute, in a womanly way, obviously! LAY OFF! When she asks Naomi where they should order dinner from, she drops the bomb that she’s having dinner with daddy and the other woman. Once she’s got her mom feeling really good and suicidal, she invites her along to the fashion show that her and Ethan are going to. After some sweet-talking about how hot and newly available she is, mom agrees to go.

I do have to say: I am kind of loving the character of Naomi’s mom. She talks to her daughter the way a mother would, is legitimately distraught over her husband leaving, and just seems the most like a “real life” mom.

At dinner that night, Naomi does everything in her power to break up her dad and Gail. Daddy sees right through her and says Gail knows everything there is to know about him. OUCH, Dad. Ouch. No worries, Naomi’s got an ace up her sleeve and fake gushes at Gail’s ability to allow her dad to still sleep with her mom. With that, Gail takes off with dad in tow and Naomi relishes the success of her plan.

Waiter, I’ll have another bottle and a bag for my head please.

At Naomi’s, things are getting hot and heavy with Ethan when she stops to ask if he still loves her. Bitch, no! Are you serious? Why would he? Ethan stutters for a minute before Naomi’s mom saves the day by stopping in. She’s all dolled up for the fashion show and Naomi is confident that dad will go from 6 to 12 when he sees her. Before leaving, Ethan reminds her that this is not the parent trap. It sure isn’t, because if it were I’d be enjoying myself a little more. Lindsay Lohan pre-the last few years? Gotta love it.

The fashion show is underway and Annie bumps into a woman who recognizes her from the high school musical. Adriana stands aside wondering where she can score the next line while the woman asks Annie to come read for her. Annie invokes her inner Kansan and talks Adriana up to the point where agent-lady invites her along, too.

Across town, Brenda is at Kelly’s and tells her she’s going to the fashion show with Ryan. Red flag, Kelly, RED FLAG. Kelly says something about old habits dying hard before questioning why Dylan was calling Brenda and not her. She tells Brenda if there’s something going on, now’s the time to tell her. Allegedly, Brenda was giving Dylan advice on getting Kelly and el accidente back.

When Brenda gets into her car she takes out her phone and looks up Dylan. Just when I think she’s going to text him U + Me = Cabana 3 in 20, she erases him! Forever! I’m not sure what the significance of this is, but she seems pretty upset about it. Damn, Dylan must be hung like a rhino.

Navid, Dixon and Silver are wandering around the fashion show when Dixon and Silver start to dirty talk each other. Navid whines some more when some random Persian triplets recognize him as kin and take him under their wing. Persian triplets that look like robots with bangs? It’s a good night to have a strong understanding of porn – score 1 for Navid!

Adriana and Annie are chatting about how her mother doesn’t love her and how cool it was that Annie mentioned her to the agent. If I were present for this conversation I’d inform Adriana that it would be the worst time ever to tell her about the Ty lie but, alas, I wasn’t. Adriana tells Annie the truth behind the genius shower (note to self: run shower next time you’re trying to fool someone into thinking you’ve just finished sexing their boyfriend) and Annie is livid. Chillax Kansas, you could have been in on it if you weren’t such a prude.

Naomi’s father arrives and is none-too-happy that the open bar segment of the evening is over. Oh, and he’s also pissed that Naomi lied about there being an emergency. When they spot Naomi’s mom (how could you miss her, she’s wearing a teal satin dress [gag]?) he rolls his eyes and reminds Naomi that the reason they’re not together is because he found someone cuter and younger who hasn’t popped out the spawn of Satan in the last 17 years. Some yelling ensues and Naomi is left flailing her nostrils in pity. The best part is Ethan is standing there the whole time staring awkwardly, because clearly this was sort of a private conversation.

Really more of a family-type moment…

Across the room, Silver is again approached by a slimy modeling agent. He talks her up for a while and I’m hoping she’s not as naive as your standard high-schooler. Because the last thing anyone needs is for all those naked pictures of herself from that time she thought she “had what it takes” and took one too many Quaaludes with one too many shots before shooting to resurface. Trust me when I say, there’s nothing like waking up naked in the cornfield of a neighboring state to dissuade you from modeling.

But I’m getting off-topic. Anyway, agent man gets even creepier and touchy-feely when Dixon steps in and shoves him, instructing him to get his hands off of Silver. Debbie runs over to diffuse the situation and tells agent that the “thug” that he is calling security on is her son. Agent raises one eyebrow and tilts his head back and forth the way I do when I’m making fun of smug people and asks “and who da baby’s daddy?” Lame, do people still say that?

Regardless, Dixon has had enough and sucker punches the guy. They fight, which gets broken up by dad and Debbie’s boss. As luck would have it, Agent is one of their biggest clients. He abruptly fires the photogs and takes off. Well, I can tell you one thing; Silver will not be welcome at the Wilson household any longer.

Me? Thug? Baby daddy? It’s not like I’m the only…. ohhh shit.

After everyone calms down, Annie is hanging out in a corner when Ty comes over. Adriana felt so badly about what happened that she texted Ty and told him everything. I’m guessing the text was either really really long or really really confusing. Something along the lines of:

Ty: pretended to F U after play. Annie=PISSED. @ fashion show 2nite. <3

Anyway, they chat for a bit and ultimately decide to just be friends because Annie isn’t really ready for sex yet. At least not with Ty. Ethan, on the other hand, is looking delicious these days, let’s see what he’s up to…

Ethan and Naomi are in his car getting ready to head out. He and Naomi talk for a while about her parents; which turns into a conversation about them. Ethan sees Annie leaving and gazes longingly while he tells Naomi some people aren’t meant to be together. I’m not sure if this means he think that he and Annie aren’t meant to be or that he and Naomi aren’t because he wants Annie. Thoughts? Anyway, they break up amicably and I am grateful they are over.

When Silver gets home she finds Kelly waiting with bags packed. Oh, Silver, you’ve been rendered homeless again because of that fight you started. Sorry!

Actually, Kelly is taking 2 weeks off and taking Accident to see Dylan. She doesn’t think he has really changed, but there’s only one way to be sure. Silver says she will stay at Kelly’s, meaning she’ll have to come back. Kelly doesn’t actually respond to that and its pretty sad, but agrees that she can stay. I know she’s signed on for at least a few more episodes, and what about Ryan?

In the last scene of the night we see a cracked out Adriana get into a car and buy a bag of something that my master deduction skills tell me is not Confectioner’s Sugar. Boom! Drug addiction NOT kicked, sucka! Scene’s for next week look promising, complete with drug sniffing dogs and everything!

So what did you all think? I’m glad that the Kelly/Brenda thing has come to an end. I liked the idea of the old cast being incorporated but all of their scenes felt completely unrelated to everything else and just forces stories for the sake of the original fans. That said, I do love me some Kelly Taylor and hope she stays on and pursues things with Ryan! In other news; if Annie and Ethan don’t get together in the near future I am going to scream.

Love and Ice Cream Sandwiches
Pach