Hey Gasmii! This week on 90210, more arm flailing, nose flaring and general mediocrity.
But at least we didn’t have to look at this hot tranny mess.
Previously: Donna returned and all was right in Beverly Hills.
Kelly’s. Early morning weekday chaos. Silver finishes the last of her geometry homework. Donna comes out with a growth attached to her hip. Oh right, it’s Ruby, her alleged child. She made Sammy’s lunch and takes him out to the car. Silver hands her homework over to Kelly to turn in for her. Kelly asks her if she thinks she’ll be ready to go back to school next week. Silver gives her an unconvincing “sure”.
Depression hurts; Cymbalta can help.
Casa Wilson. Becky goes through Wilson Family junk to sell in a yard sale. Harry pulls out Big Mouth Billy Bass. Get your minds out of the gutter. It’s a fish on a plaque that plays…something I can’t quite make out. She puts it in the “4 Sale” box, it’s junk. He wonders why they are selling it if it’s junk. Ahh, the paradox that is the yard sale.
Annie, armed with two cups of coffee comes out to say goodbye; Naomi will be giving her a ride to school. Becky follows her and seems impressed that Annie and Naomi are going through with the whole friend thing. Annie has decided to be a “girl’s girl”. She didn’t really have many girl friends in Kansas. Shocking, I know. She finally started to get some when they moved to BH but then got wrapped up in the whole boyfriend thing. So now it’s all girly girl being a girl with other girls all the time!
Someone’s certainly proud of themselves.
Naomi drives up. She tells Annie they should file a police report on whoever left all that junk in their front yard. The house in Kansas finally sold so the Wilson’s are having a yard sale to get rid of some stuff. “Gross…ly awesome.” AnnaLynne, never leave us. Annie tries to hand Naomi her coffee, but she’s putting on her lipstick. There’s some awkwardness. Trouble already? Naomi notices the foosball table. Annie used to be really into it. Naomi claims to have been the foosball champ of St. Barts. CHALLENGE!
Yup, having girl friends is about fun and not about being competitive at all.
WBHS. Liam gets Ethan’s attention as he walks by him. Ethan looks at him crazy. Probably wondering, like I am, why Liam is standing on the bench instead of sitting on it. Anyways, Liam asks where he’s going. To English class. So, Ethan’s going to be an English teacher? “I mean, say you go to class. Maybe you get really into it, right? Then what? You head to college become an English major. OK. And then? You graduate with a useless degree that only qualifies you to teach English at some lame high school to snot nose kids who’d rather be at the beach.” What’s he saying? He invites Ethan to go with him to the beach. I forget, does autodidact mean “self-taught” or “rambling ass mother-fucker”? Naomi appears, like she is wont to do when Liam’s around, and tells him to stop trying to corrupt Ethan, he’s not going to cut class. No measly woman tells Ethan what to do so he goes with Liam to the beach. Naomi yells after them that she’s not going with them so don’t bother asking.
Take a good look at your replacement, homie.
Cafeteria. Navid and Pregs get some lunch. Navid asks about the meeting with her lawyers. She grabs a some fries that Navid puts back. No fries for her! She argues that fries are a vegatable. You can’t really poke a hole in that argument. Oh and also, her meeting is at 4pm, but he doesn’t have to go. He knows. He hands her a ziploc bag full of kale; full of vitamin A. The meeting isn’t going to be exciting, and kale? Really? Yes, it’s chock full of vitamin C so the baby can grow big and strong. Kale, it does a fetus good. He knows the meeting isn’t going to be exciting but he wants to be there to lend moral support if needed. Has she taken her pre-natal vitamins? Is he driving her crazy? The answer to both is yes.
“Do you know what this goes for on the streets?”
Black Blazer Realty. Donna and Kelly meet with an agent. Donna describes, in great detail, the type of place she’s looking for. It’s almost as if she’s describing a specific place. Alone, Kelly asks Donna if she really wants to find a space. Donna doesn’t really know what she wants. Her and David took off to Japan, thinking they’d only be gone for a year. Then their careers took off and one year turned into two, turned into four. She misses LA and wants to come home to raise Ruby there. Or wants Ruby to raise herself there since she’s hardly with the damn kid. David and her have been fighting for over a year, and separated when it started getting real bad. What happens if she moves back? Divorce? She, and the producers, don’t know what’s going to happen.
Don’t worry, Special K. You’ll always be the first billed “Special Guest Star”.
WBHS. Liam drops Ethan off at his car after their day of frolicking at the beach. Matthews comes up to him and passive-aggressively asks him about missing class. Ethan lies and tells him he wasn’t feeling well earlier and had a friend drop him off to pick up his car. Matthews doesn’t think cutting class is something the Ethan we know and are bored by would do. Ethan thanks him for the observation. Well, well, looks like someone’s been taking lessons at Liam’s School of Needless Hostility, Tooliage and Douchebagery. Matthews asks what’s up with him. Ethan’s tired of being watched like a hawk. (Haven’t really seen evidence of this, but OK.) He missed one class, big deal. Matthews agrees that it’s not a big deal, but it’s not OK. Ethan cuts him off and asks if he’s going to get detention.
“Don’t mess with the bull, young man, you’ll get the horns.”
Peach Pit. Silver hesitantly walks in and sits at an empty table. The two girls behind her call her a freak and give her a hard time about her movie. It’s on YouTube and was brilliant. She’s like a female Daron Aronofsky. This brings Silver to tears and she runs out and into Dixon who was on his way in. She starts to freak. She can’t go back; they’re all going to laugh at her. OK, Carrie, dramatic much? He sits her down at a table and tells her they won’t, but if they do, who cares? Well, Silver does, apparently. He tells her to not let it bother her and put on a happy face. Turn the other cheek. Kill’em with kindness. Oh, and don’t eat yellow ice.
Casa Wilson. Becky notices a $150 price tag on Big Mouth Billy Bass. Harry thinks it’s a fair price. Who will buy such a thing? Someone getting a really good bargain…which reminds him he forgot to tell Becky that Naomi’s dad, Charles, is getting sued for sexual harassment by Carol Rancin. Hello, Non Sequitur! Carol’s daughter, Portia, goes to West Bev. Annie comes in and Harry, with minimal to no arm twisting, lets her in on the gossip. Becky adds that Naomi’s really going to need a non-pregnant friend now.
Madame Flanagan’s. Donna thinks, Madame Flanagan, psychic friend, is going to help her decide whether or not to stay in LA. She’s the “crÃ¨me de la crÃ¨me” that told Angelina to adopt and predicted the return of high-waisted jeans!
“Your happiness can be found at the basement of the Alamo.”
Inside, Donna explains her situation to Madame Flanagan. David says their careers are going so well in Japan, why rock the boat? She mentions Ruby, who is no where in sight. Is Ruby like Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense? No matter her decision, her marriage is on shaky ground that may not withstand either decision. Madame F, doing her best Iris McKay impersonation, asks if her right foot has been bothering her. It hasn’t. OK, well she guesses Donna has an important decision to make…and senses skepticism from Kelly. Donna tells her to ignore the non-believer and tell her what to do! Madame F can’t do that but tells her to look for a sign. Kelly laughs in that judgmental way of hers. Madame F tells Kelly that she will meet a man, a very handsome one with a six pack. Looking or not, he’s coming.
So you may want to wipe off that cunt-face.
Yard Sale Palooza. The yard sale vultures circle the goods. Naomi stops by to visit and to take Annie up on that foosball challenge. Annie, good friend, bad hider of secrets, asks Naomi how she’s doing. She’s fine but had a rough morning. Annie turns on her “I already know your secret” face. Apparently, Naomi’s manicurists went to town on her cuticles. It’s cool, though, since she already keyed her car. So…how’s your dad? Jeez, do you or don’t you want her to know you know? He called Naomi that morning and want to stop by Room 112 to chat. Well, she can call Annie after her dad leaves, if she wants. You know, to talk about Naomi’s feelings, not about anything Annie may already know.
Pregger’s. Navid and Pregs look through some brochures, that seem to be of potential adoptive parents. Is that how it works? No wonder adoption is so expensive. I say just put them in a police lineup and point. Navid suggests “Dan and Kate” who have been married for three years. Three years?! Amateurs. She wants 5+ years or the baby goes back. “Matt and Rachel”, if those are their real names, have a spacious house with a huge backyard, but no one to play in it. Sad face. Pregs thinks that’s psychological manipulation and she doesn’t want the baby to grow up in that environment. Freshman Psych rears it’s ugly head. She wants two people who are equal partners with good communication and, Navid adds, who like to laugh and are warm and loving. So the parents on 7th Heaven? Where will they find such losers? She feels the baby kick and asks Navid if he wants to feel it. He says that the more active the baby, the more likely it’s a boy, especially if she was on top when she conceived. She doesn’t want to know the sex of the baby nor think of it as a real person who she’s going to have to give it. Pensive Navid.
“They like moonlit walks on the beach, recycling and death metal!”
Rodeo Drive, Baby. Donna and Kelly walk and talk. Donna notices another Japanese restaurant and thinks it’s the sign Madame F told her about. Kelly doesn’t know if it is since the other Japanese restaurant they saw had a stop sign in front of it. Donna pretends not to notice her sarcasm. Kelly, trying not to full on laugh in her face, wonders if Donna’s serious about the psychic. She saw a vision of a foot. Donna reminds her that she also saw a vision of Kelly and some hot guy. Kelly thinks Madame F is good if she saw that far into her future. She just doesn’t have the time for a guy. Donna tells her that she has to take care of herself first. You know, like Donna, who’s only thinking of herself and not about the man she promised to love til death do them part. Kelly whines that a man will have needs and will require all this attention. They’re not talking about a beer belly husband but a hot six-pack having fling! Hell yeah, that’s what I’m talking about! Donna suggests getting a sitter and going out that night…where the hell is her daughter NOW? Won’t someone answer my question!?!? They ask two chicks on the street who suggest Truckstop. You don’t need to be Madame Flanagan to know what’s coming next.
I don’t mean to be rude, but the one on the left looks like a dude!
Church. Silver walks into a church. Seriously?
“Are you there God? It’s me, Silver.”
Room 112. Charles tells Naomi about the lawsuit and tells her she has to leave the hotel. Naomi consoles her father and tells him everything will be fine, as long as they’re together. Just kidding. She asks what’s wrong with him. He denies any wrongdoing but needs them to show a united front. Either way, it’s illegal for her to be staying there. THANK YOU! She threatens to tell Gayle about the real estate hussy she caught him with. Sounds like a foolproof plan. Only he already told her and has been forgiven. He’s not paying for one more night. Oh, and, FACE, Naomi!!!
Why is that table 2 feet off the ground? Did they give her the room reserved for little people?
Truckstop. Donna and Kelly roll up to the bar while a Silver look-a-like screeches on stage with the band. Donna orders 2 Dirty Girl Scouts and wonders if the California rolls on the menu are a sign to split her time between Japan and Cali. It’s definitely a sign that I need to go pick up something to eat. She tells Kelly she’ll stop obsessing over Japan and focus on Kelly’s new fling. Kelly wonders what she wants her to do, go up to some guy and lift up his shirt. Sure, but there doesn’t seem to be many guys there. Kelly brings Donna’s attention to the girl on girl action going on at the end of the bar. They figure the girls they asked sent them to a Lebanese bar because they had their arms around each other. That, or maybe they were just lesbians. Who cares! They dance their homophobia away.
“I’m into chicks for the tips.”
Peach Pit. Naomi gets dissed by Liam who’s picking up some food. She joins Annie at a table and wonders why he acts like they haven’t been screwing like rabbits for the past week and a half. Like the one time in the bathroom of a Chinese restaurant. Annie thinks that’s enough. Of the sex talk. Naomi thinks she means of getting treated badly by Liam. One minute he’s hot, then cold, then really hot. She’s so over it. Annie asks how her dad is. Naomi doesn’t bite and just says he’s fine. Right on cue, Portia and her bitch posse walk by. She tells Naomi, and the room, that her dad is a disgusting pervert and hopes her mother takes him for all he’s worth. Annie gets up and defends her friend’s family honor. Naomi is shocked that she knew about it already. She can’t believe that people are talking about it and Annie didn’t say anything.
Not so big now that you’re the one on the receiving end, are you?
Truckstop. Hair tossing and uninhibited dancing abound. Kelly and Donna decide its time to leave. Disappointing to their lovely dance partners. Donna promises to be back and tease their vaginas some more.
Outside, they drunkenly walk to, I’m hoping, a busier street to catch a cab and not to their cars. Donna thinks Alyssa was totally into Kelly. She stops in front of storefront with a “for lease” sign in the window. It’s THE sign.
There’s a reason that place is empty, Donna. It’s called the economy.
Room 112. Naomi packs up her stuff. Annie knocks on the door, she’s there to apologize. Naomi listens to her from inside. She says she should have told Naomi, but chickened out. She really wanted to be a “girl’s girl”, have real friends, blah, blah, blah. Naomi opens the door and tells her to stop. She’s freaking out about having to leave the hotel and Annie’s yammering is giving her a headache. Try recapping it. Annie invites her to stay at her house. Naomi doesn’t know about living with Annie and her Pollyanna family, but it would be better than living with her dad and his strict cereal rules. Annie would really like it. Why? Because she pities Naomi? She doesn’t want that kind of friendship. If they are going to be friends, they have to be blunt and honest with each other, and not walk on eggs around each other. It’s egg shells, not eggs. Naomi thanks her and tells her she plays with her hair way too much. Honesty. In that case, Annie is sorry she threw the foosball game. There will be a rematch and Naomi will destroy her. “Show no pity” is Annie’s motto.
How forced is their friendship?
Tell me about it.
Lawyer-type Place. Is that? It is! It’s Evie Ethel Garland! Tonight, Evie will be playing the Jennifer Garner part in Juno. She describes her house and neighborhood to Pregs and Navid. Evie’s husband plans to be very hands on (ewww) and doesn’t want to miss a minute of the kid’s life. He also plans to have the kid hate him. Pregs asks about the dog they’ve had for seven years. What if the baby is allergic? Of course they would prioritize the child. So they would just give away the pet they’ve had for seven years? Evie’s parents, Donna and Troy, only live 45 light years away. She’s sure they’d take it. Pregs thinks she has an answer for everything. Even more pensive Navid.
You could be swinging on a star!
Casa Wilson. Everything from the yard sale seems to have sold except the foosball table. Annie and Naomi’s rematch seems to be heating up. Annie yells up to her mom and asks if Naomi can spend the night. So, you didn’t even ask before you told Naomi? And if I remember correctly, you said that she could stay for as long as she wanted, not just one night. Annie, you sicken me.
Kelly’s. Donna’s moping on the couch next to what I’m assuming is Ruby. I’ll believe it when I see it. Kelly asks if Donna’s ready, she can’t be late to her own opening. Damn, that was quick. Can we start getting some title cards or something? Anyways, Donna’s sad. She just got off the phone with David and told him about the space and how perfect it was. What did he say? That they should figure out a schedule for Ruby to spend time in Japan and LA. Donna always thought that when push came to shove, he’d choose her over Japan. Kelly comforts her friend. She’ll get through this no matter what. Donna knows. Part of her is really excited to raise Ruby in LA and getting her perfect store. Tears. She’s happy, really.
A better actress would actually be crying.
Donna’s House of Signs. Donna pours Kelly some champagne. The two dancing lesbos from the club tell Donna that they’re going to send all their “friends” to her store. Lesbians all over LA will be sportin’ Donna Martin Originals. Annie and Naomi show up and Kelly introduces them to Donna. Study them girls. If anyone knows how to do a shitty TV show right, it’s Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling. Kelly asks about the ice pack Annie has on her wrist. It’s a foosball related injury. Donna excuses herself, presumably to not have to hear about it. Naomi gets a text from Liam and is so appalled by it that she shows Annie.
“U ME BATHROOM NOW”
Kelly tells the girls that she’s sure Silver would appreciate that they came just as Silver and Dixon walk in. Pregs pops up and asks how she’s been doing. Fine…big smile. Naomi asks what she’s been up to. Silver’s been reading Sense and Sensibility…big smile. Navid shows up with a plate full of cheese and offers Silver some. She’ll get her own.
Cheese Table. Kelly asks Silver if it was nice to see everyone. Ready to go back to school? She says she is and leaves. Donna walks up with flowers from David with a card that says “Thinking of You.” It’s neat, but it’s no plane ticket. Donna mentions running out to get some more crackers for the party. Kelly goes instead.
Kwik-E-Mart. Kelly grabs all the crackers on the shelf. Hey, look at that. Someone’s picking up a six-pack of beer. Who could this very handsome, six-pack having guy be? Matthews!? BOO!!! Lame. He notices all the crackers and asks if she has the munchies. She tells him about the opening he wasn’t cool enough to get invited to. He’s just there to pick up a six-pack, but don’t worry he’s only going to drink three. She asks who gets the other three, she’s kinda thirsty.
Really, Kelly? This guy?
Donna’s House of Signs. Donna gets a text message from Kelly. “Can you keep an eye on Silver? I found my six-pack.” A good friend would have told her that in person while dropping off the crackers.
Alley. Silver comes out and sits against the wall. Ethan appears. Navid texted him and told him everyone was at the opening so he thought he’d stop by. He’s there with Liam, but he seems to have disappeared. She tells him to go in, everyone’s there. “Dixon, Navid, Pregs, Naomi, Annie…” His last two girlfriends, sounds claustrophobic. Silver understands. He sits next to her. She doesn’t mind as long as he doesn’t expect her to be bright eyed and bushy tailed. He’s thankful she’s not. Donna comes out looking for Silver and asks if she’s OK. Silver tells her she’s just getting some fresh air. She sighs.
Parking Lot. Liam leans against his car. Don’t you just hate the way he leans? Naomi comes up and says she’s not going to be his booty call anymore. He can’t act the way he does and expect her to come running. Got it? He answers with tongue.
Are you as bored with these two as I am?
Alley. Silver one ups Ethan’s claustrophobia. “Try having people monitor your mood every second. Offer you crackers like you’re an invalid.” Well, at least she’s being offered crackers. He’s got people watching him with no upside. He steps off the path and cuts one class and people jump down his throat. People? What people? Matthews gave you detention, you big baby. Silver is surprised he cut class. It’s not like he wants to be an English teacher or anything. Easily influenced much? He asks when she’s coming back. She’s not. She’s enrolling at St. Claire’s. It’s the only place that would take her mid-semester. Dixon didn’t mention it to him. He doesn’t know yet. She just decided tonight. She needs a fresh start and to be at a place where she can be who she wants to be, not who she was. Ethan asks if there’s room for him. Sorry, girls only. It’s cool, Ethan’s a dumb bitch.
Profiles in Courage.
Matthews’. Kelly and Matthews barge in attached at the face. Kelly tells him she can’t commit right now. He tells her he’s never felt less committed to anything in his life. Nice. She throws him on the sofa and tells him to shut up and jumps on top of him.
Yeah, not sexy.
Cocina Wilson. Annie and Naomi come home from the opening as Harry and Becky get crazy with some wine and fruit. Naomi got them a thank you gift for letting her stay with them. It’s Big Mouth Billy Bass. Dixon sold it to her. The girls go to bed. Becky wonders how long Naomi’s going to stay. Harry doesn’t know, but judging from the quality of her gift, he’s assuming it’s awhile. He turns on the fish and sings along with it. I finally find out that it plays an extremely soulless version of “Take Me to the River.”
Peach Pit. Pregs talks to Navid about Evie’s shoes. She thinks they were kinda vain for an English professor. How will she be able to carry a baby in those shoes? Navid’s sure she has other shoes. All that talking about the life they would provide the baby made her picture it and makes giving it up even harder. Navid says she doesn’t have to give the baby up. She does. Her mom doesn’t have the money and she’s only 16. Plus, her relationship with her mom isn’t so great. Really? Didn’t her mom reform her bitchy ways? Either way, she doesn’t see her mom and her taking the baby to swim classes. Well, does she see her and Navid doing it? He reminds her that she wanted a good couple. That’s them! Babies last longer than those useless baby swim classes, what happens when he goes to college? He’ll go to college in the area. What matters is that he’s been in love with her since they were 7 years old. He wants to be with her forever. Yeah, for now. Pregs wonders if he’s saying they should get married. Sure! They love each other. Why not? Pregs is sold. They’re getting married.
“I’ve been stalking you for eight years. Let’s get married.”
“Sure! Don’t hurt me.”
Next week: Liam lowers his standards even further.
P.S. I want to apologize in advance. I’ll be working overtime the next three weeks so my recaps may be later than usual. Thanks for reading!