Ahoy hoy Gasmii! Welcome back for another action-packed, talent-deficient ep of 90210. I have to say, this was the hardest ep to recap to date. Lots of crazy talk. Lots of quick cuts and edits. It’s almost like the director knew he was a hack and was trying way too hard to seem like he knew what he was doing…
Oh Brandon, you are a much better actor than you are a director…and that’s not saying much.
Previously: Silver goes all Fatal Love/Endless Attraction on Dixon’s ass. Annie and Naomi’s homance ends before it starts. Kelly chooses “me” but is still pissed that Matthews chose Brenda to bone. In the spirit of choosing, Navid (remember him?) choo-choo-chooses Pregs. Ethan dis-dis-disses Annie. One Afternoon in the Storage Room with Silver opens to mixed reviews. Silver demands Matthews to fasten that loose screw in her head. And, tragically, one merlot bottle goes to that big wine bar in the sky.
High School Teacher Estates. Seconds after hurling a wine bottle at Matthews head, Silver grabs another bottle of wine. Matthews asks Silver how he can fix things. Silver wants Matthews to tell Dixon how he manipulated him and told him lies about her. He offers to call him.
“Some people use this thing called a phone to talk to people. You know, instead of breaking and entering.”
She eyes him suspiciously and when she’s distracted he goes for the bottle, James Bond style. They struggle and he finally gets it away from her. The pinot noir lives to inebriate another day. Silver thinks Dixon hated the movie, which is the opposite of what she thought he would feel. She doesn’t think she knows Dixon at all. Matthews tries to calm Silver down and suggests calling Kelly. Silver notices her hand is bleeding so Matthews leaves her to get some bandages in the bathroom. She eyes him
angrily violently suspiciously. I can’t tell, but there is a guitar riff so you know it’s not good.
How many bottles of cough syrup with codeine does one man need? Plus, what the hell is that big blue bottle at the bottom? So. Many. Questions.
In the bathroom, Matthews looks for bandages behind the 20 bottles of cough syrup in his cabinet. When he returns Silver is gone. He runs out to find her. Silver comes out from under the dining room table and takes off. We get a shot of the name of Matthews’ apartment complex…I hope that doesn’t mean what I think it does.
If this apartment complex shows up on that new show that’s a remake of a spinoff that was spun off from the show that this was remade from then I’m gonna be pissed…if only for making me write this confusing ass sentence.
Griffith Park. The break up that won’t just end. Annie tells Ethan she thought they were meant to be together. Becky calls Annie to tell her about Silver
burning down the homecoming float lighting up a bonfire. Ethan asks if everything is OK. Annie snaps at him, then composes herself to tell him about Silver. Since she didn’t drive, he offers her a ride home. She begrudgingly accepts. You might want to wipe that disgusted look off your face and thank him.
The next few scenes were a bitch to recap. So here’s the gist of it.
Harry & Becky: Boy, what the fuck is going on?
Kelly: What you talking ’bout Matthews?
Matthews: I’m talking about Silver going to Crazytown and smashing my goddamn window and then bitch making herself at home!
Kelly: Oh hell to the no!
Harry & Becky: You didn’t think a big ass tattoo of your lame ass name on some white girl’s bony hip was worth mentioning?
Dixon: Don’t hate the player, hate the game.
Matthews: Remember that summer you stayed home instead of going to Paris with Donna to be with Silver, then known as Erin? The one where you stole Brenda’s BF? Do you remember if you accidentally dropped Silver on her head?
Kelly: No. I think I would remember that.
Matthews: Well, how else do you explain her shitty ass movie?
“Squeeze me? Baking powder?”
Dixon: We got a little freak-nasty with a video camera.
Kelly: I hope he brought a blanket.
Harry & Becky: You made a sex video? Make sure you get a good distributor.
Meanwhile, Pregs and Navid chill at a sushi bar. Pregs get a text informing her about the big movie premiere. Naomi calls to relay the deets of her crazy night. Pregs thinks she’s talking about Silver’s movie. No, she actually talking about Liam, Psychopath/Awesome Kisser. They usually do go hand in hand…funny how that happens. Pregs gets Naomi up to speed. Naomi wonders why Silver would do that. Pregs doesn’t know. Unless…
“…Silver’s wandered onto the set of Janet Jackson’s “If” video, too! Or…”
Harry & Becky: That crazy bitch on the pipe!
Dixon: Crack is whack.
Don’t worry, Navid. Once your rude girlfriend gets off the phone I’m sure she’ll fill you in on everything.
Dixon defends Silver’s honor but they all wonder why she would do the crazy shit she’s done. Pregs, not desperate enough for a comeback just yet, cannot fathom why anyone would film themselves having sex. Naomi helpfully offers, that much like athletes who watch replays, it’s strictly for improvement. Somehow I don’t buy her as having Kim Kardashian levels of promiscuity. We’ll see.
Kelly calls Dixon’s phone looking for Silver. Harry answers and helpfully suggests they find her before she hurts someone…or herself. Thanks Genius. You got any more brain busters?
And finally, Credits.
A confederacy of dunces.
Kelly’s. The gang’s all there. Harry organizes search efforts for Operation: Cuckoo’s Return. Harry hands Annie the keys to the school and asks Ethan to go with her to search the campus. Awkward. Kelly doesn’t want to wait at home so Harry asks Matthews to be her chauffeur. Awkward squared. Navid volunteers himself and Pregs for bratsitting duty. I’m sure said brat, who’s asleep upstairs, will not be traumatized at all when he awakes to find two total strangers in his house. They leave. Pregs isn’t too thrilled even though Navid thinks it’ll be a piece of cake. Cue child crying.
“Everyone got their T-Mobile phones?”
Peach Pit. Harry, for some reason, has keys. Silver’s not there. Why would she be? Does she have keys too? Becky’s obsessing over the fact that her virile, teenage, non-biological son has had sex and they didn’t know about it. Harry, with a hint of pride, tells her that teenage boys don’t usually tell mommy and daddy that sort of thing and that those that do aren’t normal. Proponents of sex education angrily hurl condoms at their TV sets.
Undisclosed Road. Matthews drives as he badgers Kelly to think about where Silver would go. She’s trying to but is more concerned about why Silver would go to Matthews’ apartment. He tells Kelly that Silver wasn’t making much sense when she was there so not dwell on it. Kelly won’t let it go and thinks there’s a reason. Matthews denies any wrong doing. Kelly keeps at it and adds that some people are unaware of the harm they inflict on others. Matthews reminds her that he’s the victim here. Kelly punches back that if he hadn’t left Silver alone they wouldn’t have to be looking for her. Matthews jabs back that Kelly is the one that lives with Silver and is supposed to be taking care of her. FACE!
Kelly’s. Navid comes back from putting Sammy to bed. Pregs calls his “The Baby Whisperer”. Her stomach is HUGE. It’s like every episode is a trimester. Pregs tells Navid that incubating is as far as she’ll go with the whole baby thing; she’s leaning toward adoption. Navid realizes that they haven’t discussed the pregnancy. She reminds him that
he’s a virgin it’s not his baby to worry about. She doesn’t see another option. Well, until the writers force her into one of their choosing.
Note to Prop Department: Pregnant bellies are not rectangular.
Casa Wilson. Dixon’s cleans up Silver’s bonfire of love. Silver calls and tells him that she knows that she doesn’t know him, so she’s going back to The Source. He’s the only thing that matters to her, he’s all that she needs. Without him life isn’t worth living. That last part didn’t sit too well with him. He went from Mr. Sensitivity to Cold Hearted Snake in 4.2 seconds flat.
Back from commercials, Dixon plays Out Run2009. Harry and Becky return, angry that Dixon hasn’t been answering his phone. He turned it off after Silver called. They ask where she is but he doesn’t know, doesn’t car. He’s not buying her manipulative drama queeny ways. He tells them she mentioned going back to The Source, but he doesn’t reap hip-hop magazines. He’s got important video game type stuff to worry about.
WBHS. Annie and Ethan walk down the hall and hear Silver’s voice. In the Media Room, they find her movie playing on the computers. Naomi walks in. She heard about the movie and thought it would possibly hold some clues. She calls it “creepy” and “a little arty” for her taste. “Not exactly a Sunset 5 kinda girl.” The reference is lost on this Yay Area girl.
The nightmare inducing horror of Silver’s sub-par Videodrome knock-off is not.
Annie asks how she got into the school. Naomi tells her that if she dressed more like her, then getting into the school is only the beginning. But with that face it really wouldn’t help. OK, 2 things: 1- BAAAAHHHH!!!!! 2- Naomi’s wearing a fugly ass yellow vest over a long sleeved black shirt and black pants. Saucy.
Anyhoo, Ethan asks if Naomi has checked the whole school. She hasn’t and asks if they think she’s OK. Annie, isn’t buying Naomi’s concern. Naomi informs her that they’ve been hanging out a lot lately, since Valentine’s, but it’s really none of her beeswax. Ethan, knowing that Naomi can deliver a brutal bitchfest beat down, stops them and refocuses their attention on Silver. The possibility of running into Nicky Driscoll in the gym does not dissuage Naomi from suggesting they split up. She doesn’t think it’s any creepier than hanging out with her ex and his girlfriend. Ethan starts to tell her they broke up but Annie grabs his hand and tells her they’ve checked the east wing and Silver’s not there. Naomi leaves. Annie apologizes to Ethan who leaves to look check the cafeteria.
“This would be so much cooler in a red convertible Beemer.”
Undisclosed Road. Matthews is brainstorming ideas about what The Source could be. “A fuel source, a source of information, a news source, a hip hop awards show maybe.” Perhaps she means the source of her pain?
Jackie’s. Jackie opens the door to find Kelly and Matthews. Kelly asks about Silver. She’s not there. “Mom, we have to talk.” Jackie shushes her since something by the name of “Dierk” doesn’t know she has kids. In the living room, “Careless Whisper” plays as Dierk opens another bottle of wine. Jackie introduces Kelly as her niece and Matthews as Kelly’s boy toy. Kelly tells Jackie about Silver. Jackie’s not worried. Silver’s probably out partying or slutting it up somewhere…just like Kelly used to she thought she was better than people but wasn’t at all preachy about it. The good ol’ days. Kelly tells her that Silver’s in real trouble so if she shows up to call Kelly. Jackie, laughs at Kelly for failing at the same job she said she could do better than Jackie. Matthews breaks up the mother-daughter bonding. They leave but not before Kelly lets Dierk in on Jackie’s grandmother status.
I’m sure her head giving status remains unaffected.
Outside, Kelly gets a call from the police. They found Silver’s car abandoned downtown.
Kelly wonders where in the hell Silver could go in LA without a car. She blames herself. Matthews tells her she can’t blame herself. Why not, you did? She can’t believe that after all that self-aggrandizing, she’s just like her mom. Matthews does his best to comfort Kelly and to convince her she’s nothing like Jackie. “You and that woman, your night and day. Your Tolstoy and Dean Koontz. Barysikov and Michael Flatley.” She cuts him off, thankfully. He’s been avoiding her since he got back, so the only relationship they’ll be having is of the chauffeur/chauffee variety.
Casa Wilson. Dixon continues his video game domination. Harry and Becky, because they are contractually obligated to be appear together in every scene, come in to tell Dixon about Silver’s car. “Yeah well, let me know when they find a body.” That was way harsh, Tai. He thinks Silver’s playing them and he’s not falling for it. He wants to be left alone. He brats to Harry that he’s blocking his view. Instead of hitting him upside the head, Becky and Harry just stare at him in disbelief.
Union Station. Silver looks over the arrivals and departures. She seems to be having trouble getting her eyes to focus. She sees the train to Dallas/Wichita. How is that the route? She heads to the ticket line as the camera lingers on a young Denis Leary who follows her.
“F. R. Starfish. Question mark…”
In line, he asks what’s in Kansas. She tells him that’s where Dixon’s from, then realizes he doesn’t know who Dixon is. Then again, neither does she. She rambles on about not really knowing anyone and that in order to know them you have to go backwards in order to go forwards. Dixon didn’t react to the movie the way she thought he would because there are fundamental things she doesn’t know about him. Then she goes on and on (and on and on) about baking soda and vinegar. It’s supposed to be a a chemistry analogy with but she loses me. The gist of it is, that she’s going back to Kansas because that’s The Source of Dixon. She buys her ticket and Young Denis Leary follows her.
“I think you hear me knocking, Silver, and I think I’m coming in and I got a box full of Eskimo Pies with me.”
Kelly’s. Navid and Pregs make out on the couch. Sammy walks in crying, traumatized by the sight of a pregnant woman in heat. Navid can’t shut him up so Pregs tries. She takes him over to the couch and talks about the trucks on his PJ’s. The four-year-old corrects her; they’re actually tractors. Navid asks Sammy if he knows what Pregs is good at. Giving BJ’s for coke? Getting knocked up? No, reading books to kids. She claims it’s her secret talent. Yeah, I try keeping the fact that I can read a secret too. It’s like we’re sisters!
WBHS. Annie tries to open Silver’s locker. Naomi appears and opens it with the same combination Silver’s had since the 6th grade. Annie doesn’t really know what she’s looking for. Naomi sympathizes, a little too sympathetically if you ask me. Naomi notices a badly photoshopped pic of her and Silver. She relates the story of why they are wearing pots on their heads in the picture. It ends with Ethan ruining everything, naturally. There’s an Awkward Pause. Naomi leaves to check the gym. Annie closes Silver’s locker and leaves determinedly.
I haven’t seen a hackjob this bad since the Oswald Life Magazine cover.
Union Station. Silver sleeps in the waiting area. Denis Leary comes up and takes something out of her wallet. Cue Guitar Riff of Evil Deeds.
Casa Wilson. Becky tries logging onto Dixon’s computer. Harry walks in and asks what she’s doing. Becky’s tried everything but can’t figure out his password. Why she needs it? She doesn’t know who he is or what’s going on. She thinks it’s “this place, LA, Beverly Hills”. It was a mistake moving there. Before Harry can figure out how she got a hold of whatever the hell Silver’s been smoking, the phone rings. It’s Young Denis Leary on Silver’s cell. He’s tells them he’s there with her and that she’s in a bad way. He just dialed the last number she called. He tells them that Silver bought a ticket. Harry and Becky leave for Union Station.
“This Place Is Death!”
WBHS. Annie finds Ethan and tells him that they can’t break up. They shouldn’t give up so easily on their tired, exhausting, frustrating, simple ass relationship. Ethan points out that they haven’t been happy for awhile. She insists on fixing it. Why? Because of Naomi. Wha? Speaking of the devil, Naomi walks in. Annie says it’s not about Naomi finding out, but rather about Naomi. We’re gonna need a little bit more than that.
“Don’t you get it? It has nothing to do with my good friend who’s missing. The one that we’re supposed to have been frantically looking for in the school for the last 10 hours.”
When Annie moved to BHillz, her and Naomi had the potential to be friends. Then Naomi pulled a shit move and had her chose between her and Ethan. She chose Ethan because she thought she was The One. “I thought that we were the ones.” (???) Their relationship was worth sacrificing friends and even her self-respect. If they aren’t together then she didn’t sacrifice for her relationship, she was just being a jerk. If they don’t work out, she has to accept what she’s done. Ethan just kinda stares at her. She realizes that they are done and that she is a jerk. (Honey, that’s old news.) She turns to Naomi and officially announces her and Ethan break up.
Rant: OK, what kind of fucked up shit is that? First of all, you can’t take back what you did. You sacrificed a friendship with Naomi for tonsil hockey with Ethan. You’re only the jerk because the relationship didn’t work out? Plus, that’s a reason to stay with a person who doesn’t want to be with you anymore? So you’re not the jerk? Oh, and Shenae, STOP MOVING YOUR ARMS UP AND DOWN TO PORTRAY EMOTION! And stand up straight.
Union Station. Silver wakes up. Young Denis Leary calls her “Erin”. She wonders how he knows her name and then sees the time. She jumps up, spilling the contents of her purse, and grabs her ticket and takes off for the train…that’s slowly getting away. She screams at it to stop and runs after it on the tracks. Harry runs up to the platform, followed by Becky and Dixon, and yells after her to get off the tracks. She spazzes out a bit. Harry tells her to calm down. Dixon calls her a drama queen. Silver can’t believe he said that. She babbles on about how Kansas is Dixon and Dixon is baking soda. It doesn’t make sense, nothing does, but it did. A train whistles in the distance and Harry pleads with her to get off the tracks. She’s confused and doesn’t understand what’s going on. She screams at them, “YOU DON”T UNDERSTAND!” and runs across the tracks in front of the train.
Silver’s hiding behind an advertisement. Dixon finally speaks up and tells her that he does understand, how things were so good and now it feels like it’s the world crumbling around her. He understands because his mom used to go through the same thing. She was “up and down, up and down”. It wasn’t her fault. She just needed help. It’s OK now, because he’s gonna help her get help. They hug and Silver weeps in his arms. (tear)
On their way out, they find Kelly and the po-po. Silver apologizes to Kelly for screwing up and thinks Kelly is gonna send her back to their mom. Kelly tells her that she’s not going anywhere and neither is Silver.
Becky asks Dixon if he’s OK. Dr. Dixon Wilson, Teen Psychiatrist, says that it’s not drugs, Silver’s manic-depressive. She’s bipolar just like his mom.
WBHS. The 3 Stooges lock up. Ethan’s glad Silver’s OK and offers to take Annie home. Naomi says she’ll take her. Awkward goodbyes. Naomi puts her hands around Annie’s throat and…oh, wait she just puts her arm around her all friendly like. Ugh. Naomi was the only one who hated Annie as much as I did. Who will be my witness now?
Naomi reassures Annie that there are other equally cute fish in the sea. I’d go as far as to say there are many more cuter fish. Annie thanks her and apologizes for how she acted. Naomi’s sorry too, she wasn’t exactly the nicest person either. No, but you were so much more awesomely bitch.
Hospital. Silver lays her head on Dixon’s lap as Kelly checks her in.
Kelly’s. Pregs finishes up the book she was reading to Sammy. That’s one long ass childrens book. She actually had fun. He says they make a pretty good team. She agrees…pensively. Don’t do it Pregs, virgens make horrible dads.
Hospital. Kelly sees Matthews asleep in the waiting room. She wakes him, he didn’t have to stay. He says a chauffeur’s job isn’t done until his charge is safely back at home. Kelly apologizes for the way she treated him. He apologizes for not being her friend. He slept with Brenda because he knew it would hurt her. He had feelings for her and it upset him that she went to see Dylan, but she never owed him anything. He was being stupid and spiteful and he’s really sorry. They agree to be friends again. You know it’s really frustrating how inconsistent these characters are. It’s like you either hate someone or you don’t, but you pick one and stick with it. Quitters never win!
Cocina Wilson. Harry and Becky make breakfast. Harry thinks Dixon did great. Becky wonders what it’s like to have a manic-depressive girlfriend and birth mom. I don’t know, maybe you should ask him. And ask him what it’s like being black in a white family while you’re at it. Harry now understands why he reacted the way he did. Becky apologizes for her little rant earlier. Harry says it’s OK, they can leave if she’s unhappy but she can’t keep bringing it up every time something goes wrong. He likes Beverly Hills and thinks it’s a great place to raise their kids. She agrees. There are things in LA that can’t be found in Kansas, like opportunities, culture and people who breathe with their mouths closed. It’s a bigger world, and gosh darn it, she thinks it’s a good thing.
Out in the living room, Annie tells Dixon that it sounds like he was pretty amazing. He says not right off the bat. He freaked when Silver said he was the only thing worth living for. It reminded him of the manipulative things his mom used to say to him. He reacted badly to it. Ya think? He didn’t put it together until he saw her at the train station. Then it made sense. Annie doesn’t whine about her break-up with Ethan. The ‘rents come in with French toast and all is right with the world.
Landscaping services provided by Edward Scissorhands.
Next week: OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! Say it with me now, “DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES!”