90210: Annie, Are You OK? Are You OK, Annie?

This week on 90210, Matthews takes the hobo chic look to a new level, Liam gets more than one line and Annie has a real crappy first week of school. In other news, Jen still needs chapstick.

West Bev. We open on some kind of clubs fair. Naomi flirts up some poindexter in the Tech Club. Has the dangerously boring situation with Liam finally taught her the importance of inner beauty/future earning potential? No. She’s actually trying to get Donnie to show her how to send an anonymous text. Luckily for the big finale of this episode, Borianna and Silver swoop by and take her away.

Naomi sees Liam in the distance and changes direction. Unfortunately, Silver spots Dixon and attempts to pull him in with her tractor beam. Luckily, he’s over at the Kabbalah Club table. The Light will protect him. She wants to talk to him. Naomi suggests giving it a week. Give him time to cool down. Giving Silver enough time to make him a present.

Dixon heads over to Navid who’s trying to get people to sign up for the formerly award winning West Beverly Blaze, now a multimedia outlet. Borianna told Navid that Silver is still pretty broken up about the break up. Even though it just happened yesterday and that she probably told you to keep it to yourself. Nevertheless, Dixon’s relieved to be single.

Navid sees Teddy macking on some cheerleaders across the quad. He can’t believe Borianna lost her virginity to that guy. She was a coke whore. Believe it. Dixon tells him to relax, it’s not like she’s into him or anything? It’s more like he was in her. Hiyo!

Naomi runs into EmoAnnie (TM Yanksfan24) in the nicest high school girl’s bathroom I’ve ever seen. She has no idea how hellish Naomi is about the make her life. …And scene.

Outside, Liam runs after Naomi. She can’t believe that after three months he wants to talk now. He tells her about being sent away to some fucked-up wilderness camp without phone or computers. It’s mad I tell you! Mad!!! He’s sorry. He admits having sex with someone, but it wasn’t EmoAnnie. Who was it then?

Liam arrives home after school to find Jen there with his eye cream deficient mom. Apparently, Liam caused Jen’s sister a lot of pain last year, so they both think that he should stay away from her.

Back at West Bev, Borianna catches Silver leaving Dixon a psychotic voicemail message. What happened to waiting a week? Borianna grabs the phone and they walk to…

Meeting of Blaze News. Navid’s excited about the turn out. Last year’s staff only joined the Blaze to smoke weed in the newsroom and ran it into the ground. A shaggy haired gentleman in the back asks if they can still smoke weed there. No, try behind the bleachers like normal stoners. Half the room gets up and leaves. Navid soldiers on.

Some homeless guy pulls up to the Guggenheim Museum. Oh wait, that’s Matthews. And that’s Jen and Naomi’s house. I didn’t know trust funds came in denominations of gagillions. Matthews knocks on their fancy, impractical door. Seems that Jen is a little overdressed for sushi. Not if she double booked! She’s meeting an old friend, but he can totally hang out while she gets ready. Having traded his balls for a cardboard box to sleep on, he accepts.

They small talk about his trip to Vietnam. And by small talk I mean 30 second conversation because her real date arrives. Peace Matthews. Have fun trying to find a an unoccupied bridge to sleep under!

Back at the Blaze, Navid asks for suggestions for a lifestyle piece, something buzz worthy. John Griffin, Jr. thinks they should write about EmoAnnie’s nudie pic. I’m sure the principal wouldn’t have anything to say about that or anything.

Motherfucking Rumer Willis thinks she’s got something. Bad posture? No. Hotshot tennis player, ranked 2nd at nameless tournament, son of famous actor, got the worst features from both her his parents? She’s talking about Teddy, but he seems to have a no interview policy. Navid is sorry to hear that. He’s even more sorry that Borianna is going to ask him to make an exception.

EmoAnnie’s Room of Self-Pity. Silver calls to tell her about the text. You know, the one that hasn’t even been sent out to anyone yet.

Across the hall, Dixon gets the news from Navid. He basically tells Navid that it’s her problem. Brutal, poor Annie. I mean, yeah! Take that bitch!

Navid hangs up with Dixon and tells Borianna that he thinks the Teddy story is soft. That’s not what Borianna said! He wants to run with the sex piece. Sex texts are big in high schools. Really? Sad face. Besides they need a big story. Borianna thinks they couldn’t get any juicier than Teddy. If you know what she means? Wiiink! Navid has no idea how juicy Teddy’s life is. His godfather was Marlon Brando! Navid can’t (have sex nor) do the sex story. But Teddy is the better man story.

Liam’s. Mama Liam cares about Liam and wants him to behave. If Naomi wants him to stay away then he has to respect that. He should remember what he learned at the wilderness camp and stick to the plan.

In walks Liam’s step-dad, Hollywood royalty John Schneider, Duke of Hazard. He complains about the gardener’s shoddy work. Liam, Defender of the Little People, thinks bullying the gardener isn’t the way to get things done. Papa John thought he dropped $20K on that wilderness camp so that Liam could lose the attitude. Liam should be thankful he’s not in juvie for stealing his patients’ credit cards. One wrong move on Liam’s part and that just might be the case.

Elsewhere, Borianna asks Teddy to do the interview with Navid. He stares at her, mouth agape, and agrees. Even though they spent the better half of the beach party hanging out, Teddy asks her about last couple years of her life. She tells him about the pregnancy the one she won’t let us forget already. He claims it to be intense. She tells him how great Navid was through the whole thing, despite the baby not being his. Is she OK now? She’s good. Just then a dark cloud of suck looms over the two old friends. No, it’s just Navid.

West Bev. Naomi chases down Donnie to show her how to send the text. How about over dinner? No dice, nerd. All your getting is lunch, off-campus. Wasn’t going off-campus for lunch the best?

Borianna and Navid meet up with Naomi and she notices Navid funky demeanor. As Navid heads off, Borianna tells Naomi how stressed he is over the Blaze. So much so that he’s thinking of running a piece on that “sext text” that’s going around. Heard of it? Oh yeah she has! Borianna doesn’t think that EmoAnnie, or any Annie for that matter, deserves that and that whoever would do that is evil.

Outside, Matthews and Harry “play some hoops”. Matthews frets over being more into Jen than she is into him. The other guys she dates are rich assholes. He’s just an asshole. Harry thinks he should “stay in the game”. “Gotta be in it to win it.” Take it to the hole, Matthews!

Mmm, lunch. EmoAnnie asks Matt? Mark? that guy she banged last week if he really did take pictures. He tells her not to worry. It won’t be a big deal. She thanks him by jamming the heel of her boot into his cell phone. The kid’s got spunk. Actually what he meant to say is that she should probably worry about Naomi having a copy of the pic. Realization sweeps across her face.

Did you guys know that there were surf teams in high school? Well, there are. And Dixon, who’s been in California all of 5 minutes, and Teddy are trying out for the team. Dixon wonders what Teddy’s doing there. Isn’t he the next Roger Federererer? Surfing is actually his first love. It’s how he blows off steam. Tell us more, Bodhi.

So what happened to lacrosse?

Liam scampers up and asks to borrow some wax. Sure but give it back when you’re done. Dixon didn’t know Liam surfed. He did back in Jones Beach, Long Island. Where in Kansas did you surf, Dixon? They bond over both being from New York and direct a semi-homophobic Ryan Seacrest joke at Teddy. Yawn. Dixon didn’t take Liam for being a team kinda guy. He’s not, but “an idle Liam makes for very bad things.”

As they paddle out, Liam tells Dixon he didn’t sleep with his sister. Dixon’s not interested in talking about her. Nor is he interested in apologizing to her for thinking she did, apparently.

Jen and Naomi’s Glass House. Matthews drops off a gift and a card for Jen.

West Bev. EmoAnnie chats up Liam at his locker.

“Hey so this whole having my life ruined thing has been great, but could you maybe tell Naomi it wasn’t me?”

“Yeah, about that, she totally didn’t believe me. OK, this has been great!”

“Hold up. Maybe you can, I don’t know, tell her who it was. It’s a crazy idea, I know, but just follow me here…”

“Listen, I would if I could but…it’s complicated.”

The Blaze. Navid and The Simian sit down for the interview. Navid starts in on him right away. “You have to be pretty arrogant to be a[n] athlete, right? Do you bring that arrogance to your personal life?” The questions get increasingly personal and abusive. Simi, for his part, takes it well. Especially when Navid reveals he got kicked out of Exeter for being caught with 2 naked girls in his room. Only 2?

Nicest High School Girl’s Bathroom in the World/Only One at West Bev. EmoAnnie finds Naomi and begs her to not send out the picture. Naomi wants her to admit to having sex with Liam. Will she erase the picture if she does? Naomi just wants her to admit it. Not really an answer to the question at hand. EmoAnnie tells her what she wants to hear and leaves Naomi looking shocked and/or confused. I can’t tell when her nostrils don’t move.

The Blaze. Borianna chastises Navid for attacking Teddy. She calls him out on doing it because her and Teddy used to date. He calls her paranoid. She sees his “paranoid” and raises him an “asking Teddy for a ride to the beach.” She’s played this game before.

Back at the beach, the bird is the word. The girls watch the surf team. Naomi expresses her doubts about Annie and Liam sleeping together. Which was it? Lack of physical evidence or their passionate denials?

Silver thinks Dixon will make the team, which will put him in a good mood, which means he’ll talk to her and then marry her and have thousands of babies!!!

The adult who trains the kids coach puts up the team list? roster?…I’m so not Sporty Spice. He writes names on a surf board, OK. Larry, Curly and Moe make the team. Manly hugs all around.

Matthews’ Class. Jen slithers up to the door. She wanted to thank him for the gift. They lock the door and totally do it.

“…”

Beach. Silver calls Dixon who she can see him hit ignore on his phone from her car. So is everyone ignoring that psychotic episode she has last season? Or is it just Dixon?

Navid joins Dixon and Liam on the beach. Dixon whines about Silver calling him. Borianna told Navid that she’s having a hard time dealing with it. Liam‘s mom told him thinks that when someone says they’re done, you gotta believe them. Is he referring to Naomi? Well, Borianna also told Navid that Naomi isn’t over him. Damn, bitch, did Borianna tell you anything else? Liam’s confused so Navid, of all people, schools him on the finer parts of Martian/Venusian relations. Girls, apparently, never say what they mean. So when Naomi is saying no, she really means yes. Wait a minute…

At the other end of the beach, Silver has an emotional breakdown. Naomi takes her home while Borianna stays to talk to Navid. He tells her he acted like a jerk because of her history with Teddy. He should have just been up front and told her he didn’t want them hanging out. Squeeze me? It’s the guy she lost her virginity to. Navid thinks it’s fair to ask her not to talk to him since it makes him uncomfortable and also an insecure little baby.

Jen and Naomi’s Glass House. Liam knocks on that ridiculous door. Naomi’s not there, but Jen is.

She wonders what Liam wants to talk to Naomi about. Taking a cue from Telenovela Acting in the US for Dummies, Liam tells her that he’s going to tell Naomi the truth. Jen wonders who she’ll believe. The person she relies on most?

Back at home, Liam’s mom bandages up his hand. Papa John walks in and Mom covers for him. Next time, he’s on his own.

Jen and Naomi’s Glass House. Jen gets a nighttime massage as Naomi arrives home. Jen mentions seeing Matthews earlier and Naomi wonders what’s the deal with them. Like any gold digger worth her weight in, well, gold, she’s just using the Ryan. A broke teacher on the side makes the rich men think you aren’t into them just for their money. Brilliant!

So did Naomi ever figure out how to send that text? She did and enjoyed a fabulous 2 hour lunch at IHOP with Donnie in the process. She doesn’t know if she’s going to send it. Something’s not adding up. They both denied it but she doesn’t know. Jen asks if he told her who it was. No, but maybe if she asks again. Jen gives her a look and calls her sweet and optimistic. She remembers this one time when their mom found evidence of their dad’s philandering but didn’t want to believe it. People called her a fool but as Jen grew up she realized that she wasn’t a fool. Just optimistic. In fact, everyday Naomi is more like their mother.

West Bev. EmoAnnie arrives to stares and laughter. Silver walks up and puts her arms around her. She thanks Silver for warning her. Silver says it’s going to be OK and they hug. If it’s any consolation, they’ve all see her naked too.

EmoAnnie can’t believe Naomi would do something like that. Silver knows she thinks Naomi’s evil but she wouldn’t do that. EmoAnnie knows it was her and reminds Silver that Naomi’s done bad things to her too. Nothing like that, though. She accuses Silver of being on Naomi’s side and brats off. Oh Annie, will you ever learn?

Across campus, Dixon punches Matt? Mark? That dude that banged Annie. I guess I could look it up. But then I would need to want to do it. You know what I mean?

EmoAnnie goes off to an empty classroom. Simi’s interview is playing on the TV in the room. As EmoAnnie cries, he talks about the morning in June when he escaped the zoo found a dead body in the road.

Fin.