90210: Cause It’s A Bitter Sweet Symphony, This Life…

Bonjour Gasmii! 90210 is back after an unannounced week off. Well it could have been announced but I really wasn’t paying attention. I recap it, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it…or care. What I have been paying attention to, though, are the on set pics of Donna Martin, or rather the on set pics of her without Brenda. Sad face. Not having Donna, Kelly and Brenda on screen together on a show called 90210 is just not right. Which reminds me…

Previously: Basically, this.

We start today’s ep with Annie, Becky and Harry rushing down a hospital hallway looking for Ethan. Annie solidifies my utter contempt for her skinny ass by not changing out of her pajama pants before leaving the house. There’s a reason you find those in/by the lingerie section. Ethan comes out and Annie almost tackles him. He’s just bruised and shaken but he wants to wait until the girl in the other car gets out of surgery.

Restaurant/Cast & Crew Party. Naomi, who’s Native American name must be Broken Record, tells Pregs she has to tell Ty about her oven bun. Pregs is waiting for the right time. Naomi starts ranting about how there’s no time, there’s never any time, there’s no time to study, she’ll never get into Stansbury. Or she orders her to waddle her now suddenly eating for two ass over there.

Pregs walks over to Ty and asks to talk to him. “My queen…” Shut up, Ty. She says there’s no easy way to say it but eventually tells him he got cast as the lead in Pregs’ Baby Daddy. He does that awesome guy thing of reacting badly and saying that he thought she was on the pill. She was, but it was that fool-proof cocktail of birth control, uppers and downers. He thinks she should get it taken care of. Oh Ty, plot contrivance isn’t on your side. Medically speaking, she can’t. Pregs walks away disappointed, possibly at herself for believing that Ty was a man.

Hospital. Ethan frets over missing the stop sign and breaking California law by using his cell phone while driving. Annie says that she shouldn’t have called. Yes, Annie, it’s all about you your fault. Shut it, OK? Grown folks are talking. A doctor comes out and asks for Rhonda’s family. He tells them that she has a collapsed lunch but will make a full recovery. Damn. I wanted her death to trigger Ethan’s inner-Dylan suicidal guilt. The Wilson’s leave cause now that Rhonda’s OK they can stop pretending to care. Ethan stays to wait for his mom, but really it’s to figure out how to apologize.

Casa Wilson. Dixon’s sulking on the couch as the less pigmented members of his family arrive. He asks about Ethan and thinks there’s something in the air tonight. Who did Dixon watch drown? Harry asks if he’s gonna tell them or they have to play charades. Please God No! He tells them the great news about breaking up with Silver only he’s acting all sad about it. He doesn’t want to talk about it so he wishes them good night. As Harry watches him leave, we see a black and white pic of a young Lucille. Come back to us!!!

Who’s house? Pregs’ House. Pregs and Naomi sit Indian style on Pregs’ bed and eat mac and cheese. Mmmm. Naomi explains that Ty’s brain, being male, matures slower than that of a female. Pregs doesn’t know what she expected. Well, expect Naomi to tell her that she has to tell somebody about her pregnancy. This time her mom, the same woman who Naomi referred to as a nightmare, who could surprise her. Pregs would be surprised if she didn’t kick her out. She won’t be able to serve as her mother’s personal ATM once she starts to show and not book jobs. She wonders what will be worse, her mom finding out or the privileged brats at school. She just got done being Rehab Girl and now she’ll be Pregnant Girl. Don’t worry, it’s just a rape, cult and a jump to Self-Righteous Girl. Psycho Mom walks in and is all bitch face to her and asks her about the toothpaste commercial. Pregs didn’t get it but if it’s any consolation she got the lead in the non-paying school play. Psycho Mom isn’t please with Pregs’ dismal effort. “Laying around eating mac and cheese. That’s a recipe for success.” Umm, yeah.

Peach Pit. Pregs meets up with Ty who apologizes for how he reacted. He was in shock and should be more sensitive to what she’s going through and feeling. OR that was his true douchey nature and this is all just an act. He talked to the ‘rents who were also shocked (because teen pregnancy is so rare), but after a couple of stiff drinks/quaaludes they calmed down and decided to help them out. They would like to have Pregs and her mom over for dinner. He reassures Pregs that they are in this together. Not really buying it, but Pregs seems to soak up every last drop.

Casa Wilson. Dixon and Navid toss a football back and forth as Dixon suggests finding a new girl to help them forget about the old ones. Being that it took him 11 years to talk to Pregs, Navid doesn’t think another chick is in the cards for him. Well, maybe there’s another cash-strapped coke whore who needs some dumb virgin to pay for court ordered rehab? I mean, it’s LA, right?

Hospital. Ethan visits Rhonda. She seems excited to see him. Ethan tells her that he was the driver of the other car and that he’s sorry. She tells him they aren’t pursuing legal action which they so should. The least they should do is punish Annie. He blows the defense’s case by telling her they could sue if they want, it was his fault, he was on the phone and didn’t see the stop sign. He then hands over his fingerprints, an artist’s rendition of the accident and tire impressions. She’s actually glad the accident happened because it got her out of a math test. He asks what school she goes to. Her smile fades and then we find out why she was so excited to see him. They go to the same school; they’re in the same French class. Ouch. The doucheholioness of this situation washes over Ethan’s face. He’s sorry. She rips him a new one and accuses him of living in a bubble. When was the last time he talked to anyone who wasn’t running for homecoming queen or on a varsity sport. Umm, the last time he talked to his girlfriend? Do your research, Nerd. Ethan insists that he’s not like that.

Ty’s House of Scary WASPS. Louisa “Ouisy” and William Collins introduce themselves as Ty’s parents. They are scary-fake. Pregs lies to them off the bat and tells them that her mom couldn’t get off work at the last minute. Grandpa Collins asks what Psycho Mom does and Pregs says she’s in the restaurant business. Which is only kinda sorta a lie. Grandpa Collins reminisces about the grueling summer he spent as a bus boy. Ty seems to be shocked by this breaking news. Holding back a beating (they have company!) he asks if it’s so hard to believe. Ouisy says it’s because they’ve never seen him pick up a damn thing. Polite laughs mask the loathing. AWKWARD. Ouisy gets down to business. She asks how Pregs is doing and that the most important thing is to take care of herself. They want to help her and agree to get her a good doctor and pay for everything. This is all very Rosemary’s Baby. But by the looks of it, Pregs hasn’t seen that movie. Also worth mentioning, the Collins have a white servant who announces dinner is ready…in LA. Freaky.

WBHS. Ethan stares at the empty desk in his French class. The empty desk that is RIGHT NEXT TO HIM. He is a jerk.

Rehearsal. Geri Bonham Carter is again gracing us with her presence. (In, I believe, an outfit we’ve seen her in before.) She’s spouts some theater nonsense to the cast as she passes out the rehearsal schedule. She tells the kids that they can only miss one rehearsal. And I’m only telling you this because I feel that it’s completely relevant to the plot. It’s no Richard Alpert giving Locke the compass, but we’ll take what we can with this show. Annie asks Ethan, who’s lost in thought, if she should talk to her? Who? GBC. Annie rambles, “I wanna ask her what I did wrong in the audition. But I’m afraid that if I ask her she’ll think that I thought that I should get the lead, which I did not think. And I don’t want her to think that I thought. Whatta ya think?” If it isn’t Shenae herself, it’s the writers who are going to make us hate Annie. Ethan wonders if he should send Rhonda balloons. Annie thinks it’s impersonal. How is he suppose to get something personal if he doesn’t even know her? Annie smiles at him and looks away. She’s awesome. And you can tell that Ethan thinks that too by the way he stares at her bitch ass.

Medical Offices of Dr. Sapirstein. A so called Dr. Klein walks in to examine Pregs. Dr. Klein mentions Pregs’ history of drug abuse. Even though Pregs is now clean, Ouisy insists on an amnio. The doctor explains the procedure to her and adds that they normally don’t do it for a girl her age but…”With your history I really think it’s a good idea. God forbid, anything’s wrong, we’ll know” Ouisy finishes. WARNING! RUN PREGS RUN! The doctor lifts Pregs shirt to perform an ultrasound to reveal this HUGE bump. How long ago was the beach party that Pregs wore a bikini to? Can a sistah get some continuity? Pregs tears up when the doctor tells her that the fuzzy mess on the screen is her baby. It’s real now. Ouisy holds her hand. Her level of understanding is quite disturbing.

Ty’s House of Scary WASPS. Ouisy busts out a pamphlet for some place in New Mexico called Peaceful Vista that Pregs will go to once she starts to show. Her friend’s friend says it’s like a spa vacation. Then she whips out a legal contract for her mom to sign. It outlines the terms of their financial agreement, paying for Peaceful Vista and arranging for the adoption of her spawn. Who in the what now? Ouisy thinks there are no other options. Pregs hasn’t really thought it out. Ouisy thinks it’s time to start. It seems like Ouisy’s done the thinking for all of them, doesn’t it…

Hospital. Ethan brings Rhonda some DVD’s and a DVD player. He doesn’t know her at all so he brought a movie from every genre and a candy from every candy group. Instead of berating him for not bringing popcorn she asks what his damage is. He’s just trying to get to know her. It’s really kind of sweet. I’m actually interested in where this storyline will go, if only to see Annie suffer. She invites him to stay. Even though he has play rehearsal, he’s allowed to miss one (see!), so he’ll stay. I was really hoping that plot point would have played out more dramatically. Sigh.

Peach Pit. Gee I wonder if there’s any racist undertones to the choice of hip hop music being played right now. Oh, nope, it’s just Navid and Dixon chillin’. And we all know Dixon’s not really black. Anyways, he reads from some book called The Credo that I’ve never heard of nor care to research online. According to the book, in order to get a girl you have to passively insult her and show disinterest, thereby increasing her interest in you. Makes sense to me. And to Navid too. However, his interpretation of this advice yields a “get lost” from some moody hipster chick. Xtina (welcome back!) strolls up and asks what’s the T. Dixon tells her about Navid’s book. She can’t believe he’s reading that disgusting and insulting book that I refuse to look up online. Dixon introduces them. Xtina advises Navid to use her as a resource. She invites them to her friend’s party that will feature a hot band and hot girls…no gospel choir. Dixon doesn’t need her help, “If Dixon wants a girl, Dixon gets a girl”. “Not if Dixon talks in the 3rd person like a tool.” Get this girl in a room with Lucille, stat!

Pregs’ House. Tweedle Dee reads Ouisy’s contract while Tweedle Dum reviews the pamphlet on Peaceful Vista. Naomi thinks the spa vacation will be great, all she has to do is “sign over all rights to said issue”. She’s not really feeling the contract and the whole gag order vibe of it. By signing, Pregs’ can’t talk about the father or the conception or birth of their little mistake. Pregs snaps at her. They finally have a plan, what’s the problem? Naomi (being the good friend you don’t seem to deserve, Adriana Tate-Duncan!) is just looking out for her. Pregs doesn’t think the Collins are pure evil like that so to prove it she calls Ty. She gets his voicemail so she leaves him a message. Happy? Actually, no because all you did was leave a message. Idiot.

Hospital. Ethan helps Rhonda walk by cheering her on with sports metaphors. She’s never been to anything sports related so the metaphors are lost on her. Ms. Stoeger isn’t a very good PE teacher. He thinks maybe he’s not the only one living in a bubble. Well, not anymore! The accident made her see her life as an endless stream of jazz band rehearsals. He saw one long sports reel. So from now on, he’ll take two steps forward. She’ll take two steps back. It ain’t fiction just a natural fact. Opposites attract. Rhonda’s gonna live like there’s no time, like everyday could be here last. Don’t forget to work like you don’t need money, love like you’ve never been hurt, and dance like no one’s watching!

WBHS. After rehearsal, Annie runs after GBC and apologizes for Ethan’s absence. GBC is cool with it. He’s allowed to miss one. Annie lingers. “It’s not that I expected to get the lead in the play because I absolutely did not. But I love acting and I really want to get better because this is really what I’ve always wanted to do.” First, you did expect it. Second, SHUT UP. GBC thinks her passion will help her but so will an acting class. Annie face falls. Ha! Acting is a craft, you have to work on it. DUH. She offers to give Shenae Annie a list of good acting classes.

Pregs’ House. Pregs drives up and sees Ouisy getting out of her limo. What’s she doing there? Ty ran to mommy and told her Pregs had some concerns. Ouisy thinks it’s time to have a chat with Psycho Mom. Dun dun dunnn!

Inside, Ouisy apologizes for barging in, but it’s time to talk about the situation. Pregs agrees that it is time. She turns to her mom and casually, but with the fear of God in her eyes, tells her because the baby is due in 5 months. Yeesh, no wonder your mom hates you. Ouisy was surprised with Pregs’ concerns about the contract. Pregs feels that the not talking about it part is kinda harsh. Ouisy doesn’t think Pregs wants everyone to know about the adoption. Well, if that’s what Pregs decides. The nails come out. Ouisy thinks Pregs’ 16 year old ass doesn’t have any options. Actually Ouisy, the writers don’t seem to think she has any other options. Let’s not get confused here.

Ouisy continues her verbal assault and doesn’t think Pregs is responsible enough. Psycho Mom steps up to the plate to defend her daughter. Pregs was bringing home a paycheck at the age of 5. She learned how to ride a bike in an hour when the script called for it. She had a drug problem, true, but she also cleaned up and stayed in school and got the lead in the school play. So there! Ouisy calls her on the fact that she didn’t even know about the pregnancy 5 minutes ago. Touché. Ouisy asks Pregs if she doesn’t want the baby to have a better life. That’s the last straw for Psycho Mom. She kicks her out. I’m really surprised that Psycho Mom didn’t try to get some money out of the Collins. Maybe there’s hope for Pregs yet.

Peach Pit. Silver walks up to the counter determinedly, orders a turkey and asks for Dixon. He’s not there, is the order to go? Yup. She turns and looks at all the tables with friends and couples and happiness.

Pregs’ House. Constance (she’s earned the use of her own name, I feel) walks into Pregs’ room and apologizes. The one thing that Ouisy was right about was that she was a bad mom. Pregs says that she wasn’t all the time, but lately she feels like all her mom sees her as is a cash machine. Constance says that it wasn’t easy raising her on her own. Then Pregs started acting and booking jobs and it got easier. But that doesn’t matter. They’re in this together. Awww. For reals.

WBHS. Anthan walk out of the cafeteria as Annie blabbers on and on and on about her talk with GBC. She was insulted at first but then got over herself and filled out some applications for acting classes. We wish. Ethan, tired of her unceasing self-obsession, tells her that there’s more to life than theater. She knows that but she loves it. Yes, but that doesn’t mean that everyone does. He suggests that maybe there are other things to love. She doesn’t want to love other things. Sigh. Work with him here, OK? He tells her about his chats with Rhonda and how he’s on a “life is short” kick. The accident changed things for him, he doesn’t want to live in a bubble. The bubble Annie’s still in. Um, NOT ABOUT YOU! Plus I don’t think drama geeks are included in the Homecoming Court/Jock bubble that Ethan’s in. She leaves for practice…and the countdown to their break-up begins.

Party. Some band named Carolina Liar plays whiny white boy songs. You know the type. Remember when Color Me Badd went to the old school Peach Pit Original Flavor and sang to Donna. Now that was a musical guest star. Our Gang (Xtina, Dixon, Navid) rock out. Navid spots a lovely brown lady in the crowd who he says is pretty and not pregnant. Dixon’s like “What?” It’s nice to know that despite everything, Navid is a decent guy and still respects Pregs’ privacy. The girl’s name is Nika Raygani. They all accompany Navid. He introduces himself with “I’m really uncool”. He tried to think of something cool to say but couldn’t because he’s not cool, blah, blah, blah. She takes this in and then seals the deal with a World of Warcraft reference. I fear Nika will be the Anna Stern to Navid’s Seth Cohen.

Casa Wilson. Silver shows up asking for Annie. Becky smell the bullshit and coyly tells her that Annie’s at some cheerleader’s party, oh wait, that’s Dixon. Heh. Suck on that Silver!

Rehearsal. Annie messes up an acting exercise because she’s looking out for Ethan. Or rather, she messes up an acting exercise OVERACTING looking for Ethan who’s not there…

Hospital. But is playing nurse maid to our sick nerd. She seems to still be in a lot of pain as he helps her into bed. He says that he’ll be there for as long as it takes for her to get better. Then he leaves. OK. She notices the TV remote on a table across the room and she gets up to get it…and it seems, with a lot less difficulty than before. Hmmm…

Party. Navid and Nika (aww) stroll across the screen arm and arm (awwww). Xtina thought Dixon was the pro at picking up girls. Could it be that he’s not over Silver? He wants to be. Xtina puts her hand on his arm to console him as Silver emerges from the crowd. “I knew you weren’t a lesbian!” Is Anne Heche there? Silver thinks Xtina was pretending to get into Dixon’s pants. I wish Xtina had beaten her skinny ass. But she doesn’t. It’s cool. Still not hating you, girl! Silver screams that Dixon dumped her “out of the blue” and she can’t believe that he can go to parties like it never even happened. She bumps into someone and runs out. Ugh. They don’t got no security at this party? Like a big dummy, Dixon runs after her.

Dixon catches up with her outside and asks what that trip to Crazytown was about. She can’t handle seeing him with another girl. “This being in love stuff is making me crazy”. The keyword there being CRAZY. Oh no! Dixon don’t!! Get away from the crazy white girl!!! He deduces from her romantic screeching that she loves him. Her response? “Fine, ergo I do.” Ugh, she doesn’t even say the words. Dixon, you dumb bastard.

WBHS. Ty doesnt’ get why Pregs is doing this, why she’s trying to ruin his life. Actors are psychopaths. What happened to all that Stepford Family “we’re all in it together” bullshit? It’s hard since she’s fighting them. His parents are just trying to help make it go away. Pregs finally stands up for herself and says they want her to go away not the problem. If she goes to Peaceful Vista she’ll still be pregnant, it’ll always be a part of her, but the contract will make it like it didn’t exist. She has to deal with it.

AV Club. Navid and Nika are on the computer as Pregs walks in. She asks for Navid’s help with something.

Hallway. Ethan explains to Annie that he doesn’t want to do things that he’s not into. Like Annie? No, the play. Annie reminds him that the play was about spending time together. They will…but only when he’s not spending time with Rhonda, obviously.

Silxon’s back with a vengeance as they walk arm in arm down the hall. BOO!

Pregs comes on over the videocom and announces her pregnancy. She clarifies that it happened during her drug phase and they all know about that train wreck. She doesn’t call out Ty and instead says that it was an immaculate conception. BOO squared! It’s like these people take 2 steps forwards and then a giant leap back.

Navid, who’s working the camera, gives her a “Wow”. Nika looks on, worried.

Fin.

Next week: Valentine’s Day. Supposedly Silxon have sex. I’ll believe that when I see it.