90210: Don’t call it a comeback!

***Please welcome your newest 90210 recapper, MONES!!

HOLLA! Mones here, bringing back everyone’s favorite cheap imitation of the real thing…

Before we begin I have two things to note. A: I have to mention that Pachita’s recaps were the reason I kept watching this caca after the first couple episodes and I actually stopped watching when the recaps did. In my head, I have big shoes to fill. Numbah 2: Being a firm opponent of Stupid Bitchism, I’m really excited to have a national platform on which to educate the public on this horrible epidemic currently plaguing our airwaves. 90210 will provide many examples of this plague. How do you, Gasmii, protect yourself against this evil? Basically, do/act/feel the opposite of whatever you see one of these skinny bitches do/”act”/”feel” on screen.

Naomi Harper vs. Naomi Clark? Only one will go down in history.

Previously: Sean, Harry and Tracy’s love child, shows up. He’s a poor hick. Cheerleader Christina takes an interest in fellow only-black-kid-in-school, Dixon. Naomi and Annie are boring. Navid takes the Donna role and tells Adriana he’s a virgin. Brenda breaks up with Kelly and tells her she’s boring, I mean slept with Ryan. Harry has child abandoner’s guilt. Sean makes himself at home…dun, dun, DUNNN!

West Bev HS Hallway. We open with Twiggy and Ethan walking down the halls as Ethan, as usual, yammers on and on about nothing interesting. Naomi stalks up to tell Annie about all the fun times she had with Sean in Cancun during winter break. Naomi Monologue 101′s her way through a little antidote involving Sean, a dare and a fried grasshopper. She neglects to tell her the one involving the beach, one too many Coronas and Jose, the busboy. Annie informs Naomi that spending time with Sean isn’t a competition. Naomi praises Annie’s maturity and adds that she wouldn’t be so open-minded if she knew Sean didn’t want to hang with her. Annie jabs back with “Well, it was an adjustment, what with him wanting to stay at your house and all. Oh wait, he’s staying with us. My bad.” FACE!

“ACTING!”

Annie shoos Ethan away to go talk to a worried Adriana who’s talking on her cell. She can’t get a hold of her rehab buddy, Hank. “When an addict just disappears like that…” And we’ll never know because the bell rings. Gee, I hope everything turns out OK for this guy Hank, whom we’ve never seen before nor have been given sufficient back story to care.

Class. Tonight, Debra Wilson of MADtv fame will be playing the part of “Teacher”. It’s not her Whitney Houston impression but I’ll give it a try. Today’s lesson is about perception, or rather, how does one perceive. She informs us that you can still see without your eyes, it’s called intuition. If you look closely, you can see a tiny light bulb go off over Adriana’s head. That or she’s thinking that maybe her and Debra can develop a female buddy cop movie together. She’s the suicidal younger cop; Debra’s the veteran just days from retirement. Throw in a sexist Sergeant, evil anti-abortion terrorist and a bubbling criminal informant and you got a Lifetime Movie of the Week.

“Oh shit, I’ve wandered into the normal class again.”

Doctor’s Office. Brenda is getting bad news from a doctor. She asks if there isn’t anything that can be done. Surgery? Drug therapy? The Secret? No dice. The doc asks if there’s anyone, husband or boyfriend, that he can call. No guy, but thanks for mentioning it. In high school, my best friend stole my boyfriend while I was away for the summer and our relationship has been strained ever since. Do you what to talk about that, doc?! He asks if she has any friends she can talk to. Well played, doc.

WBHS Hallway. Christina struts down the hall towards Dixon. She gives “D” (“urban”) a CD of a new band her dad signed. There’s an exchange about the wondrous beginnings of Sam Cooke’s career and then Silver walks up. After an awkward exchange between the girls, Christina leaves. Dixon smiles big as his eyes follow her ass down the hall. Silver is not pleased. It’s not her fault she doesn’t have an ass due to lack of food! She leaves for Bio.

“I got my teeth whitened for Christmas!”

Principal’s Office, absent one Young MC. Annie spies a pic of Harry and Sean on Harry’s desk. She smiles retardedly as she is wont to do. Sean walks in. He and Harry are going surfing. Annie is there to give her dad the keys to the van for their trip. Is school over? Wasn’t it just lunch time? If I remember high school correctly, it was cool to be the victim of a bully’s rage and lunch is only like 45 minutes. They’re supposed to get from Beverly Hills to the beach to Tito’s Tacos and back in LA midday traffic in 45 minutes!? Bullshit. Naomi shows up to break up the forced conversation between Annie and Sean. Sean invited her along. Oh but Annie doesn’t surf. “You don’t have to be naturally graceful to surf.” Ha! Burn. Point, Naomi.

Kelly’s Office. Adriana knocks. She wants to get in touch with Ms. Walsh. Her rehab group is having a support day to thank all the people who helped with their recovery. Navid is at his cousin’s wedding and she doesn’t want her mom there. Kelly’s sorry Adriana’s mom is not there for her. Brenda was and it would mean a lot to Adriana if she was there. Kelly reluctantly agrees to talk to her.

Casa Wilson. We join the fam in the middle of a mean game of Pictionary. On a school night? However will the kids get enough rest for school tomorrow? Dixon’s up. Sean blurts out “chastity belt” and “cheerio”. It’s an elephant. It’s all too fake happy and badly acted to recap. What’s important is that Sean, after guessing “chastity belt” and “cheerio” for an elephant, gets a call on his cell and takes it outside. In a show of bad sportsmanship, Becky Donnelly-Katsopolis throws the timer outside. Annie goes out to get it and overhears Sean on the phone. Sean is telling the caller to back off and give him some time; he’ll get them the money. Annie asks him what’s up.

And now that we’ve caught up with everyone, we cut to our opening credits…FINALLY, shit.

Casa Wilson. Annie, who’s not only totally lame, but a snitch too, blabbed to Harry. Sean explains that his adopted father was a gambler, got in over his head and couldn’t repay his debt. His sure fire plan to get out of this mess? Suicide. It’s a well-thought out plan too because he had an insurance policy, one that doesn’t pay out when you commit suicide. Wile E. Coyote, Super Genius. So, the guys who were after his dad are now after him. Harry begs Sean to let them help. Um, don’t beg, just do it. What’s with these people? Lucille asks for the amount. $200,000. Even though Sean took the call within earshot of Annie’s nosy, tattle-telling ass, he didn’t want to worry them. He leaves of Iraq in a week and “the guys”, whoever they are, aren’t brave enough to go out there. Ok, but are they dumb enough?

Sean’s Room. He calls Annie in as she walks by. He wants to apologize and hopes the call didn’t upset her. She tells him she wasn’t eavesdropping on purpose; she was just there…5 ft. away. She thought that her dad would want to know so that’s why he opened her big, bleached teeth filled mouth. He says it’s nice to have peeps that care. His phone rings and as she hands it to him, looks at the number. God I hate when people do that shit. That’s how stupid bitches find out their boyfriends are cheating on them and then get dumped for being nosy. I’m just saying. He ignores the call. She says he can take it. SHUT UP. It’s late, so goodnight. She makes a series of odd faces. Not really sure what she was trying to convey there. Confusion? Constipation? It’s a mystery.

?

Lucille pours herself a drink that Harry doesn’t think will help. He also wonders what the economic situation is. Last I checked, he was your kid and you were a high school principal. Do the math. Lucille’s stocks haven’t been doing well so she can’t help. (Current events. This show is like real life.) In fact, she’s thinks it’s time for her to start working again. Oh man, she better not be “on location” for the rest of this season. I just started this gig. Anyways, money’s only part of it. She misses acting, “Digging into the script, arguing with the director, canoodling with my costars…it’s a calling”. It really is all in the delivery. She leaves. (tear) Harry thinks that maybe they should borrow against their retirement and the kids’ college funds. He thinks they need to do something. Becky thinks that Tracy should be included in all this. Harry will call her tomorrow. Nice save, Becky. How about you go make Annie some mac & cheese or something. You should fatten her up so her body has something to live off of when your husband succumbs to stage one of Stupid Bitchism: giving money to a man you barely know.

Bathroom. Annie walks in as Dixon is brushing his teeth with some Clorox, baking soda and lemon. Annie asks Dixon what he thinks about Sean. She’s never felt completely comfortable around him and, he got a local call. In the tiniest display of comedic chops, Dixon sarcastically over-reacts. Well done. So…? Annie wonders who would be calling him since he said he didn’t know anybody in town. Dixon proceeds to name off the people in town he does know Naomi, Tracy, and offers that maybe it was a wrong number. Seems reasonable to me. He adds that when Sean showed up, he freaked out and that it hurt Harry a lot. He grabs her by the throat and tells her not to put everybody through that same shit again. Or he should have grabbed her, I forget. He kisses her good night as she grabs her butt.

WTF, freak?!

Brenda’s House. Brenda opens the door. Hey, it’s Kelly! What’s up, Special K? What part of “I don’t want to be your friend because I slept with the guy you didn’t know you were really interested in until after you went to see the father of your child who happens to be both our ex-boyfriend” don’t you understand? Brenda didn’t answer her calls because she didn’t want to deal with all the Ryan drama. Kelly says that maybe she should have thought of that before she slept with him. Meow! She tells Brenda about Adriana who sees her as a mother figure. Well, Brenda didn’t ask for that. She can’t make it. Kelly asks if it’s because she asked. It doesn’t, conceited. Kelly wants to know why? Wouldn’t Brenda want help if she were reaching out for it? It’s probably why she was reaching out in the first place, Kelly, duh. Brenda kicks Kelly out. Kelly knew Brenda was selfish but thinks this is unforgivable.

“Bitch, I’m Brenda Motherfucking Walsh. I will cut you!”

Peach Pit. Christina arrives for a quick breakfast and finds Dixon there. Nat needed help with the breakfast shift. Nat has a knack for roping in the suckers from the mid-west, don’t he? Did he listen to the CD she gave him? He did, it reminded him of Prince. She adds with a little middle period Curtis. Kurtis Blow? No Curtis Mayfield. OK, we get it, Christina. You’re Black! Geez. She invites him to this shindig her dad throws once a month, gospel choir, BBQ, industry peeps. Gospel choir? BBQ? Gospel BBQ? He should go, unless Silver has issue with it. No woman tells him what do to! He’ll go. Go ‘head, D! Get yo’ gospel BBQ on!

Principal’s Office. Harry, Becky and Tracy discuss Sean’s situation. Tracy thought they were close, what with the mother-son watsu. Harry tells her it’s not her, it’s him. Him being Sean, who didn’t want anyone to know. Tracy states that Sean needs their help and frankly, she has the means that Harry and Becky don’t. Becky thanks her for her generosity. Heh. It won’t be easy, with the divorce…Becky says anything she could do would help.

Crazy Bitchism is fatal.

She says she’ll call her business manager to talk about selling some of Charles’ art. Why the frick does she have a business manager? Are Crazy Bitches touring with the circus freak show now? Before leaving she gets another jab in by gently touching Harry’s hand and comforting him. Harry thanks Becky for not stabbing her with a pencil. If he had scissors on his desk it’d be a different story. Yeah right, Becky, I’d like to see you try.

WBHS Hallway Stairs. Dixon walks up on Silver who’s typing on her laptop. He asks if she wants to watch him eat lunch as she pretends to eat a cherry tomato and baby carrot. First, she has to burn off that cracker she ate yesterday by finishing up her blog post about the creepy custodian with the lazy eye. As opposed to the creepy one that doesn’t have a lazy eye. She tells Dixon to check out her cheerleader post. It’s titled “Shake Shimmy and Shut Up” and has a pic of two cheerleaders one of them is Christina. Dixon points out that Christina is the only person mentioned by name. He reminds him, and everyone, that her blog is called “The Vicious Circle” and the motto is Show No Mercy. Hardcore. She invites him to the Tarantino Festival at the Arc Light. She knows it’s pretentious, violent and derivative (her words, not mine) but she think he should give it a chance. I think she should give shutting the hell up a chance. The festival is at the same time as the infamous Gospel BBQ and, like me, he wants to go to see what the hell that actually is, so he lies to her about having a family thing. Don’t you mean, thang, D?

Rehab Group Support Day. Kelly tells Adriana that Brenda really wanted to be there, but if it’s any consolation, Kelly is proud of Adriana and all that she’s accomplished. She thinks Adriana’s amazing. “Amazing” is a strong word. Either way, Brenda agrees. She apologizes for being late. “Traffic is a bitch”. 30-Love, Ms. Taylor’s point. There’s a lot of people that Adriana wants to introduce Brenda to (sorry, Kel), like her friend Hank who she really hopes shows up. Well, Adriana’s mentioned him enough, so I’m sure he’ll be there.

Support Day Meeting. Adrianna talks about her relief of being ok and clean and grateful for all the people that have been there for her. She thinks she’s going to be OK. Oh Adriana, we’re not even at the halfway mark of the show. It’s cute though how optimistic you’re being.

Did she get a gift certificate to Sunset Tan when she got out of rehab?

The group leader asks if anyone from Adriana’s support team would like to speak. Kelly eyes Brenda, so Brenda stands and makes a pretty half-ass speech. She makes a point to say she considers Adriana a friend, and that is not a word she’s used lately. It’s even more poignant since she looks at Kelly the whole time.

Peach Pit. Annie and Ethan sit at an outdoor counter doing homework. Annie steals one of Nathan’s fries to eat and later throw up. He tells her to get her filthy hands off damn fries. She wonders how he saw her, what with the fries being right next to him. He claims to have eyes on the back of his head, that apparently can only see to the left of him because he fails to see Naomi and the Pussycats stroll up. She wants to show Annie all the cool pics she got of her and Sean surfing. Don’t worry, they’ll be on Facebook soon. The first pic is of Sean staring at Naomi’s boobs. In the other, he’s hugging her from behind and his facial expression reads either, “Mmmm, your shampoo smells like roses” or full climax. This time, Annie’s light bulb goes off and she has this lame ass flashback that was intended for the thicker headed members of the audience. She flashes back to class when MADtv’s Debra Wilson said, “You can still see without using your eyes.”, then Annie overhearing Sean’s call, her talk with Sean, Dixon asking her what the significance of the local call was, and back to Debra saying, “…and that’s called intuition”. It’s called “we needed another minute to fill”. Annie bolts leaving Ethan to figure out how to breathe with his mouth closed on his own.

“Duuuhhhh.”

Casa Wilson. Annie tells Becky that she’s not feelin’ Sean. Becky feels the same, things don’t add up. That boy ain’t right. Annie’s worried about breaking Harry’s heart. Well, they don’t call them mancrushes cause they feel good. Becky thinks it would be worse if they were right and didn’t say anything. WWJD?

Rehab Group Support Day. Kelly praises Brenda’s speech. Brenda tries to weasel her way back into Kelly’s good graces by mentioning their “crazy” history and how that connects them. Kelly knows her better than anyone and she needs that now that she’s reaching out for help. Which means Kelly was right earlier at Brenda’s house. UGH. Adriana comes up to introduce them to her sponsor, but she really wants to introduce them to Hank. Chopped Liver thought she had heard, but Hank is HIV positive and has fallen off the wagon. Great, we’ll never find out who this so-called Hank guy is. Adriana is shocked. Kelly asks if Hank was her boyfriend. NO! Navid is. Keep up, Kelly. But Adriana did sleep with him 2 or 3 or 57 times. Adriana doesn’t think she needs to be tested but Kelly and Brenda insist.

Feeling’s mutual.

Gospel BBQ. OK, so for those of you wondering what a Gospel BBQ is, it’s a BBQ, with no actual BBQ in sight at a beach house with a stage by the pool with a gospel choir and keyboard on it. Weird. Dixon wanders around and sees Christina and asks if that was really Kobe inside. He never misses a BBQ. Dixon is amazed there are so many black people in Beverly Hills. Christina tells him he has to know where to look. Is there like a wall built around BH? Trying venturing south of I-10, country mouse. Its eye opening. Christina introduces Dixon to her father, Franklin Whitney who’s heard a lot about Dixon’s Oreo ass, especially his love of music. Dixon mentions his love of signing and Franklin asks if he’s good. Dixon thinks so. Franklin tells him not to wait, if singing’s his thing he should make it happen. He tells Christina that “Dre”, as in Dr., wants to say goodbye.

Now, THIS is a BBQ.

Casa Wilson. Harry wants to talk to the just arrived Becky, with Annie, who wants to talk too. They just came back from seeing the PI that found Sean. Although the PI didn’t have the answers she was looking for, she does think that something’s fishier than Adriana’s old tights. He just came out of nowhere and asks for money. Harry corrects her and says that Tracy found him and he didn’t ask for anything. Touché. Becky then blurts out that Annie doesn’t trust him. Harry basically says its Annie problem, not his. Nice parenting you two. Sean is Harry’s seed and he owes him. Becky understands but she won’t let him screw Annie and Dixon to be Sean’s Captain Save-A-Ho. Harry says that Sean is his kid too. Well, he ain’t Becky’s. SNAP! Sean walks in with bruises on his face. The bad guys found him. He doesn’t let Harry call the police and says that he’s leaving in the morning. Annie’s been listening to this down the hall, and when they leave she starts going through Sean’s bag for his cell. His call logs show the same number. She calls. It’s the PI’s office.

Doctor’s Office. Adriana is freaking the fuck out. The doctor comes out and let’s our heroine (user) know that her test came back negative. BOO! But her blood work shows she’s positive for pregnancy. YAY!

Back from commercials, more freaking out. Adriana doesn’t think she can be preggers, she’s only 16! Yes, honey, but I’m sure that delta zone of yours is like that of a 50 year old. Kelly tries to get Brenda to help a sista out, but Brenda bolts. Adriana can’t tell her mom, plus she doesn’t even know where Hank is or whether or not he’s the father. WHORE! She thinks Navid will hate her. She can’t take it. And we all know what that means…

Easy, bitch. We put up with your shit for 10 years.

Casa Wilson. Harry’s set a meeting with Tracy to see about funds. Annie comes in with Sean’s cell phone and shows her mom that the last 5 calls he received were from the PI’s office. Harry’s not impressed and wants to know why she was snooping through his stuff. The PI? Invading a Man’s (that’s right woman!) privacy? What next? Calling him and hanging up? She scared. Becky doesn’t think Sean is who he says he is. She wants him to take a paternity test. Shocking this hasn’t come up before, isn’t it? I guess it hasn’t because Harry can feel it in his gut. Sean is his son. He’ll do it though and before he leaves, one parting shot to Becky, “You shock me”. That’s all ya got, tough guy? Pussy.

Gospel BBQ. Christina brings Dixon a drink as he sways off-beat to the music. Her dad liked Dixon, a dinner invite follows. Dixon tries to let the young lass down gently, but there’s no need. Christina is a big fan of The L Word. So it’s Xtina, now, is it? She didn’t invite him to the BBQ because she liked him but because she thought he’d like it. He’s welcome anytime and so is Silver. She leaves, perhaps to attend to say goodbye to another black celebrity off-screen, and Dixon takes out his cell phone.

I bust a move for the Lord.

Brenda’s House. Kelly barges in and asks what the hell is wrong with Brenda. What the hell is wrong with her is that she can’t have kids. There were fibroids, there were complications. She can’t have children and even though she didn’t think she wanted to, being in the presence of a fertile teenager kicked her ovaries into overdrive. Kelly is sorry. She didn’t think she could have kids either, but modern medicine is a wondrous thing. Brenda can’t wait, she’s ready now. She’s thinking of adopting and wants Kelly around to help with the dirty diapers and when the kid asks where his father is. Kelly isn’t going anywhere. Kelly is a sucker.

Gospel BBQ. Silver, wearing an unfortunate “dress”, hobbles on her stick legs down the stairs. Dixon asks if she wants to meet Denzel. That’s Mr. Washington to you, Webster. Silver want to know why Dixon lied. Dixon apologizes. He and Xtina aren’t into each other. He just didn’t know how to tell her about this. The Gospel BBQ? Yeah, it’s pretty lame and unbelievable. No, the fact that he’s a black kid in a white family (like Webster!). Xtina’s is giving him all the 411 on being down with the people. But Dixon hasn’t fully Kunta Kinte’d out yet, Silver is the girl for him. Silver is jealous of what Xtina can do for Dixon and being jealous is not her and totally lame. Well, you’re half right. Dixon is flattered. She does, though, want to meet Denzel.

Casa Wilson. Harry goes to Sean’s room to tell him they’re going to get the money, no strings attached. However, there is a catch, a paternity test. Harry apologizes; he knows what the results will be. Sean understands. Harry won’t let anything happen to him.

Let’s dance!

Gospel BBQ. Franklin addresses his guests with what looks like a goblet in his hand. I guess Lil’ John’s there too. For some unknown reason, the choir is humming behind him. He thanks everyone for coming, and is thankful for his friends, family and music. He asks his congregation, I mean, his guests to join him and reflect on the things they are thankful for. He leaves the pulpit and asks if Dixon knows Amazing Grace. Of course, it’s the whitest gospel song! Well, Dixon, consider yourself discovered. Oh, so it’s sooooo easy. Fucking rich people.

GODDAMN! WILL THIS SHOW EVER END!?!?

Casa Wilson. Annie closes her closet door and is startled by Sean, who snuck up behind her. Ominous music plays. He tells her about the paternity test and is surprise Harry’s stupid ass needs one. Looks like not everyone trusts him. Annie would understand, being that she moved from the crap shack of Kansas to this perfect von Trapp-style life in Beverly Hills. Not everyone get that chance. Annie doesn’t think everyone gets to take what’s not theirs.

1, 2, 3, 4! I declare a staring war!

Sunrise. Harry goes to Sean’s empty room.

Preggers wakes up, crying. She walks over to the mirror and does that thing were recently discovered pregnant look at their stomachs. She starts to dial Navid’s number but hangs up. More crying. Jeez, bitch, get it together! You’re crying for two now! And, I’m sorry, but abortion isn’t an option because, why?

Casa Wilson. Harry tells Tracy that Sean left. She doesn’t believe it. Harry breaks it to her: he wasn’t their son. But she can feel it her gut! Naomi wonders if it’s all a sick joke. Umm, shut up, Naomi. Harry called the PI and the phone has been disconnected. They were probably working together. Naomi goes to comfort her mom but gets pushed away. Tracy ain’t having it and leaves. Harry tells Becky that she was right about Sean. Becky and Dixon leave to make breakfast leaving Annie and Naomi alone. Annie thinks something good can come from this. Truce? Naomi asks how Annie can cause so much pain. Whuuh? Her mom had a son, she had a brother. He wasn’t their brother. Weren’t you listening just now? It’s good that he left before he scammed both their families. Yeah, about that…Sean went over to their house last night and Tracy gave him the money. She called Charles and gave up some of her demands and he paid out. Naomi ain’t having none of Annie’s apologies. It’s her fault.

So much rage it’s coming out of my nostrils!

Sean’s room. Annie apologies to Harry. He should have trusted her. “I love you, daddy.” Fin.

Next week: Preggers goes to Crazytown with the help of her old friend, Crack.