90210: Got Me Looking So Crazy In Love, Uh Oh, Oh No No

This week on 90210, everyone just kind of phones it in.

We open up on a wedding pic of Navid and Pregs. That was quick. Navid brings over some freshly pureed organic carrots for the baby. Ugh, not even a minute in and they’re already pissing me off. Pregs tells baby Hannah to open up. Navid voice overs that Hannah is a weird name for a boy. Cut to Navid and Pregs chatting it up in the middle of a stairway at WBHS. Luckily, no one needs to go up or down those set of stairs.

Pregs informs Navid that she’s not having a boy. Well, based on the way she’s carrying, he’s pretty sure she is. If only there was a way to find out the sex of a baby in the womb. When will technology catch up with my imagination? Navid says they’ll call him Habib. Pregs thinks he’ll be mocked endlessly, by her. Cultural sensitivity abounds.

They go back into their dream world and wonder how the kid will be. Navid says he’ll be a prodigy and into chess. Pregs is sure babies aren’t into chess, plus she doesn’t care if he’s a prodigy. All she wants is a healthy baby. It’s time for them to go to school, who will take care of the baby? Navid’s parents, of course!

Back on the stairs, Pregs reminds him that his parents don’t know about her pregnancy yet. Probably because she’s been avoiding them. She’s about to pop so they need to know sooner than later. He promises it won’t be as bad and she thinks. He runs down how it’s going to go in 7 easy steps: 1- They will explode with anger. 2- His mom will cry. 3- His dad will rant about how they shouldn’t have moved to America with their processed sugar, hula hoops, Zima and Pac-Man video games. 4- They’ll calm down. 5- Navid will suggest getting a nanny to help with the kid. 6- His mom will get upset. Family takes care of family. 7- Hugs and kisses.

Pregs is pretty sure they’re going to freak out. Navid’s doesn’t think they’ll care. His mom was raised by her step-dad, her favorite person in the world. They won’t care who’s mistake they’re paying for. She thinks Habib, despite his unfortunate name, is very lucky.

Annie’s Room. Naomi asks Annie for some wardrobe advice for her date with Liam and holds up something black. “Are you and Liam grabbing a drink or applying for a second mortgage?” Heh, good one…wait, what am I saying? Tomorrow is their first official date and Naomi wants him to take her seriously. According to Naomi, and only Naomi, he’s smart, interesting and deep. She wants him to think of her as more than just the girl he has sex with in the woods, his car or Annie’s bed.

Becky comes in with a laundry basket that Naomi snatches away. She wonders if Naomi is talking to her dad to find a solution to her living situation. She has and he’s suggested she move back with him and play the role of the good daughter and make nice with his skanky girlfriend. Her solution is for him to shove it up his ass. They meet in the middle and decide that Naomi will stay with the Wilson’s until the case blows over. The fact that they didn’t discuss it with Harry and Becky doesn’t mean she isn’t very grateful. To keep Becky from lunging across the bed and scratching Naomi’s eyes out, Annie thanks her too. Naomi throws Becky an article of clothing and asks her to iron it. Annie tells her she’s the best as Becky leaves.

Naomi gets a text and screams that she is so angry. Please Naomi, show, don’t tell. She grabs Annie’s laptop and waves it around above her head. Liam canceled their date. “I swear I’m going to rage out right now!” Annie tells her not to. Naomi wonders why he did it? Did he meet someone else? Is he sick? Annie suggests asking him for an explanation. Naomi thinks it’s a good idea. She loves living with her!

Kelly’s. Silver comes out in her brand new Catholic school uniform. What does Dixon think? He’s unimpressed. Welcome to the club! Your t-shirt will arrive in the mail in approximately 2-3 weeks. Silver thought seeing her in that outfit would make her feel better. She hopes he doesn’t have a yeshiva fetish. He thinks she’s being a little extreme, going to Catholic school when she’s not even Catholic. If it’s not an admissions requirement then what’s the problem? She reminds him that it’s the only school that would take her mid-semester. She can’t go back. The Crazy Bipolar Girl Who Made A Sex Tape Club doesn’t get their own page in the yearbook! She needs a new start and for Dixon to be supportive, like Kelly. Unlike Dixon, she’s going to see Silver everyday. She promises to see him all the time. He asks if her uniform comes with knee socks.

St. Claire’s. Fun Fact: St. Clare of Assisi is the patron saint of television. Anyways, Sister Sledge asks Silver to introduce herself to the class. She greets the class and introduces herself as Erin Silver. So, what brought her to St. Claire’s? Erin was really impressed with the academics and that whole God thing seems neat. Mostly though, she’s excited to be around people with good morals. Oh honey, your looking for good morals in an all-girl’s Catholic school? In LA, no less? Sister Sledge asks if she’s familiar with the Catechism. She is not so the Sister asks for a volunteer to help her catch up. A ginger by the name of Angela raises her hand. Sister Sledge asks her to chill with the piousness and take it easy on Erin. They begin class with their morning offering and Erin looks around confused.

WBHS. Naomi meets up with Pregs whose mad that dahlia’s are out of season. She’s having dinner with Navid and the in-laws and wanted to get his mom her favorite flowers but they’re out of season. Naomi says she has nothing to worry about since his parents <3 her. She spills the beans on the shotgun engagement of the century. "What the hell?" Not the reaction Pregs was looking for. Naomi is sorry but wonders why. Well, she's keeping the baby and the only way this brilliant plan will work is if Navid helps her which, of course, means that she has to marry him! Duh.

Naomi doesn’t understand the whole marriage/keep the baby thing. Pregs is keeping it because it’s hers and she wants to raise it. It was impossible on her own, but Navid seems to have money these supersonic parenting skills so now she can! He’s amazing! Naomi thinks he has to be amazing if he wants to raise Ty’s baby. A fact Naomi and I guess Navid doesn’t know yet by the look of Pregs’ pained face. He still thinks it was someone from rehab. It wasn’t important when she was giving the baby up, so…so should she really marry him if she can’t be honest? Naomi, good at seeing when others fool themselves, thinks that if Navid finds out, their perfect little fantasy will fall apart. If she loves him, she needs to tell him.

Cocina Wilson. Becky prepares a nutritious meal as Annie, Dixon and Naomi get home from school. Naomi guesses that smell means salmon for dinner again. She thinks they really take that omega 3 propaganda seriously. Annie, ever trying to ease the tension, says that the salmon is because Becky knows how much she likes it. Well, Annie should think about what the rest of the family wants…cough, kobe beef, cough. Becky asks Dixon how his first day at school without Silver was. Naomi chimes in that Dixon is bumming hardcore. Long distance LTR’s blow. Becky reminds them that it’s not long distance and that it’s just gonna take a little extra effort. Naomi’s sure it’s not going to work, and with that she heads to the gyno for a pap smear. Lots of over-reacting from the Prude-sons. Before she leaves, she warns virginal Annie of the dangers of HPV that she learned from her hot gyno. Dixon loses his appetite.

St. Claire’s. Angela asks if Erin knows the Lord’s Prayer. She doesn’t. Savage. Angela is more than happy to go over it with her. She asks if Erin went to West Beverly because if she did then she knows exactly what she means about wanting to be around people with better morals. West Bev is like the Sodom and Gomorrah of the greater Los Angeles area. I mean, sometimes she sees kids from West Bev at the movies and they order a medium soda and keep refilling it even though they can totally afford the larger one that comes with free refills! Erin tells her that’s one of the reason she left and asks to get back to work. Angela tells her that she knows it can be overwhelming but not to think of it as work. Think of it as the best extracurricular activity ever!

Annie’s Room. Naomi returns. She did a little shopping after the gyno and bought Annie a dress. Why? To thank her for the advice about Liam. She confronted him about canceling their date and they came up with a solution. They’re back on. As Annie tries on her early 90′s looking dress, she asks why he canceled. His cousin came up from San Diego and he had to hang out with him. She hands Annie some new shoes and continues that she’s going to double date with Liam and his cousin. And since Annie’s already dressed…Annie protests. She hates blind dates. Naomi begs her to go and Annie relents.

St. Claire’s. Erin thanks Angela for helping her out and sees Dixon waiting for her at his car. She asks what he’s doing there. He told Kelly that he would pick her up and goes in for a kiss. She gives him her cheek. From a distance, Angela eyes them suspiciously.

In the car, Silver tells him he shouldn’t have come. She’s trying to keep a low profile. He wasn’t making a scene. She knows but she doesn’t want anyone at St. Claire’s knowing about her taboo interracial relationship! Or her personal life. She wants a fresh start and that means keeping her personal life separate from school. What does that mean for their relationship? They can’t go anywhere they might run into kids from West Bev and now he can’t go to St. Claire’s. Where will they go to physically express their love? She suggests their houses? He’s not happy about it. She apologizes but that’s what she needs right now.

Navid’s. Pregs and Navid arrive for dinner. His parents are very happy to see them. They keep telling Navid to bring her by but he’s so private. She thanks them for having her over and hands Navid’s mom a bouquet of peonies. She asks how Pregs has been. Pregs takes off her miracle coat that hid her stomach. Mom drops the flowers.

Navid’s dad is outraged. Navid knows it’s a shock but they have a brilliant plan. Mawwiage. Alotta doesn’t seem too impressed. Dad can’t seem to get over being outraged. Then, as Navid predicted earlier, Alotta starts to cry and his dad says that they should have never moved to America. But wait, you haven’t heard Navid’s well thought out plan. He and Pregs will live in the guest house so that they can finish high school and go to college. They will also have fries with that. He suggests a nanny and, as expected, Alotta reminds him that their family doesn’t use nannies. She will split baby duties with Cousin Ravi. He thanks her. She asks him what he expected, the baby is their blood. Yeah, about that. Reproductively speaking, the baby isn’t his. Dad is a little more blunt and screams that he didn’t get her pregnant. Navid doesn’t think that’s the point. The biological didn’t bother, but Navid’s here now. His parents get really mad and go off on him in Farsi. Two stern “end of story”‘s from Dad end the conversation.

Pool Hall. Naomi and Annie arrive for their double date. Liam’s cousin introduces himself to Annie as Bru-dog. There’s some howling. It’s pretty retarded. Naomi asks if the pool hall is where Liam woos the ladies. He doesn’t do much wooing, unless the ladies insist upon it. Naomi struggles through some small talk thanks to Liam’s short answer. When Liam mentions someone she doesn’t know, she excuses herself and we see her quickly start checking her phone.

Bru-dog goes to get more drinks. I’m sorry, did the writers of this show forget that they are writing for a show about teenagers. I know Naomi and Annie are dressed like whores, but no one even carded them. Anyways, Annie checks her phone and Liam asks if she’s got somewhere to be. She doesn’t. She’s having “fun”. He asks her if she doesn’t like him. She likes him just fine. He thinks she’s lying. People who grunt one word answers aren’t her cup of tea. He confesses that he’s shy around strangers because of the fact that his family moved around a lot when he was young. She understands. She’s bringing her own baggage to the evening. This one time she went on a date with this guy, Carl-dog, and he brought his assholio cousin who kept trying to mess with people and make them feel uncomfortable. Liam laughs. Looks like someone has a crush! Naomi comes back after reading Wikipedia on her phone and spouts off some details. Liam apologizes to her and chit chats some before kissing her. Bru-dog shows up with some brewskies and howls.

Navid’s. Navid assures Pregs that his parents will come around. She’s not so sure. He says they have to.

Pool Hall. Naomi and Liam make out at the bar. Bru-dog talks up Annie about Oaxaca, double overheads and barrels. Annie sarcastically thinks it’s rad and yells over to Naomi that it’s time to go. Naomi heads out to the car and Liam pulls Annie aside to tell her she was right about him being a jerk. He asks for another shot. She agrees. Over dinner next week? Just the 2 of them.

Navid’s. Dad puts the finishing touches on squashing Navid’s plan. He can’t marry Pregs and raise the baby, use their guest house or expect any support. Navid thinks it’s hypocritical since their family is full of step-kids. I think the big difference here, Navid, is that the other members of your family probably had jobs and could support those step-kids themselves. Idiot. Alotta agrees with me and reminds him that he’s only 16. He knows the timing isn’t perfect. Dad tells him their decision is final but that doesn’t mean Navid and Pregs have to end their relationship. Not getting married doesn’t equal breaking up. They know it’s hard, but Pregs will understand.

Annie’s Room. Naomi gets ready for bed. She’s excited about the possibility of her and Annie being cousins-in-law. Annie, on the other hand, is pretty sure that ain’t going to happen. Naomi thinks that Liam’s starting to take her seriously. This date was a huge step forward in their relationship. Annie sees her chance to rain on Naomi’s parade. They promised to be honest with each other, so she should know that Liam asked Annie out on a date. Naomi brushes only a tiny section of her hair. I mention it because it looks like she’s brushing a wig and because I’m not totally convinced she knows how to brush hair. So, Naomi thinks Annie misunderstood. Perhaps English is her second language? She didn’t and it’s not. So what was her answer. Annie didn’t say anything and just walked away. But she didn’t say no, hmmm. She adds that Liam is a jerk. Naomi thanks Annie for telling her. She gets into Annie’s bed and asks for a little privacy. Heh. Annie obliges and goes off to sleep in Lucille’s room.

Cocina Wilson. Harry and Becky wash the dishes as Dixon does his homework in the kitchen. He asks them to keep it down. Why not do your homework in the other room then, Einstein? Isn’t the point of a mansion is that there are like a gajillion rooms? Annie comes in asking for extra blankets. What for? Naomi had a really tough night and needs some privacy. No big deal. Really. Everyone has pretty much had it with their house guest. Harry knows she’s trying to help her out but Naomi living there is not a long term thing. Dixon agrees, she cut up his favorite jeans into little pieces because she didn’t like them. It’s not normal behavior. This coming from the person that took forever to figure out his girlfriend had mental problems. Becky’s upset because Naomi threw out all the frozen salmon and filled the fridge with kobe beef. Harry isn’t too happy with the nickname Naomi gave him (Principal Boxer Shorts) after she walked into their bedroom. Annie defends her and asks for a little compassion from her cruel, intolerant family. Becky knows that she doesn’t have anywhere to go but they need to find a solution for all their sakes. I have a solution, try calling her dad and telling him to come pick up his daughter?

WBHS Hallway. Naomi catches up to Liam and asks if he really asked Annie out. He says yes. What is he thinking? Annie is her friend, she wouldn’t do that. What’s the matter with him? What’s the matter with him? What’s the matter with her? What happened to the Liam that she met at the hotel? He does not know. Maybe there’s two of them? He suggests she take out a missing person ad or try the yellow pages. She tells him that he’s a fake and a phony and she wishes she never laid eyes on him!

…OR…

He tells her that’s how he is. “A huge douche bag?” Hey! It’s my job to call it like it is, not yours. Basically Liam doesn’t do the whole boyfriend thing so she should get out now. Realization comes across Naomi’s face. She tells him that he should let her take care of herself. Maybe she has a thing for jerks.

St. Claire’s. Angela finds Erin sitting on some stairs and tells her that she thought Erin looked familiar but couldn’t quite place her. Then she saw her with Dixon and totally figured it out! “You’re the whore from the video.” No offense, though. She didn’t mean it in a derogatory way. How could she? It’s not like it’s a derogatory term or anything. She adds that people thought that Mary Magdalene was a whore but she was JC’s bestie! Angela was shocked when someone forwarded her the video last month, but assures Erin that she turned it off when the fornication began. Erin starts to leave but Angela stops her and asks why she came to Catholic school. Erin tells her that she made the video at a bad time in her life and just wants a fresh starts. Angela understands and knows why God brought them together. Erin Silver, prepare to have your soul saved!

So the first thing she needs to do to save her filthy, filthy soul is to come clean to everyone about her checkered past. Um yeah, she’d rather not. Erin will feel totally better if she does. She’s pretending to be someone else and that’s lying and lying makes the baby Jesus cry. Angela has known her all of 5 minutes and already cares deeply about Erin so she’s going to fast. She won’t eat anything and will pray every minute of everyday until Erin is guilted out of hiding. Erin thinks it’s a little extreme. Angela knows. The nuns, woman who have devoted their entire lives to God, tell her she’s overzealous all the time, but she’ll do anything she can to help get Erin into heaven.

Casa Wilson. Silver’s yelling at Dixon. She’s knows and it’s all his fault! Dixon asks what in the H, E, double hockey sticks is she talking about. She tells him about Angela. Dixon tells her to calm down and asks if she’s having another episode. She’s not! She’s allowed to have a bad day! To be upset that a sex video of her went viral! Well, you should be happy that you didn’t get anything viral. Her fresh start has been ruined by Angela’s ridiculous, poopy-faced fasting! Dixon doesn’t think it’s that ridiculous, well, the fasting part is, but not the part about how Silver has to stop hiding. Silver wonder what he wants? Should she send out a mass email to the entire school? Of course not, but she has to do something to stop this girl from fasting. Try talking to one of the nuns? Maybe the principal? Just a thought.

Erin is not the boss of Angela and won’t do anything. Dixon’s shocked. “Wow! There’s no end to what you’ll do to avoid dealing with this.” But he really shouldn’t be all that shocked. She’s already transferred schools and is afraid to leave the house. She doesn’t think he knows what it’s like! He seems to think that he does. He was in the movie too but he didn’t hide. He dealt with it, all the whispering and looks. True, but he wasn’t the one that got sent to the crazy floor at the hospital and put on medication. Either way, she’s going to have to figure out how to deal with it and move past it.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for something really shitty…

Pregs’. Pregs tells Navid over the phone that she’s not surprised by his parents’ reaction. He was asking a lot from them. I’ll say. She will figure something else out. Her bedroom door opens. It’s Navid with some baggage. Literally and figuratively too, I suppose. She asks what he’s doing. “I chose you.” UGH. No, he didn’t. He chose to runaway from home. His parents were still going to let him see her. Quite being such a drama queen.

Navid adds that his family isn’t going to stop him from doing this. She’s all that he wants. He pulls out a ring he got from a pawnshop and gets down on one knee in front of her. He’s loved her since 2nd grade…blah, blah, blah. He believes in them. He can’t imagine loving anyone else as much as he loves her…yadda, yadda. “So, Preggers Tate-Duncan, will you please marry me?” Oh Navid, don’t beg. He puts the ring on her finger but she takes it off. She loves him very much but she has something to tell him. Something that might change everything.

Casa Wilson. Naomi laments the rigors of high school to Annie, and by the way, Liam doesn’t like you. What? He’s just relationship phobic and is freaking out about how into Naomi he is. Annie asks if he actually admitted that to her. No, but it’s sooo obvious. Annie thinks he’s obviously a creep. That’s what Liam wants her to think but she’s onto him. Annie advises her dim, clueless friend to be careful. He should be the one to get a restraining order be careful, he’s going to be her boyfriend whether he knows it or not.

They walk into Annie’s room and find Jen, Naomi’s sister, there. She greets Naomi with a “Darling!” and a bottle of champagne. Naomi introduces Annie. Jen tells her to get some glasses for a toast. “I’m baaack!”

Living Room. Jen tells Harry and Becky about the frantic message Naomi left her and how she immediately jumped on her friend’s private jet to LA to save her from bourgeois hell. Heh. Naomi knows they all wish she could stay but it’s not practical. Becky totally understands. Totally. Jen thanks the Wilsons for helping Naomi deal with “the Dionysian debacle that is their father”. Now it’s her turn. Jen has a towncar and hillside bungalow at the Chauteau Marmont waiting for them. Naomi asks for help with her things, but Harry and Becky are already on it.

Annie tells her she will be missed. Naomi knows. One thing though, she totally heard them talking about her the other day. The day will come when Dixon will appreciate what Naomi did with his pants. Is that the reason she called her sister? Sort of. It’s not like she could live there forever and she needed some help dealing with her dad. Plus, all that salmon was giving her mercury poisoning.

Pregs. The child bride and groom to be sit on the bed researching things online. She finds information on the teen parenting program at Santa Monica High School. She can apply there. He thinks it’s perfect. He was thinking about getting a job at the Peach Pit. Are they hiring? Did you just expect to walk in and have Nat hand you a job because you want one?! Pregs mom, Constance, comes in with a box of stuff she’s clearing out of the guest room. As she leaves the room, she tells Navid that he better get a job, no free ride at the Tate-Duncan house. He wouldn’t dream of it. Pregs can’t believe her mom was the parent that came through for them. That comment doesn’t seem to sit well with Navid. Pregs is sorry. He says it’s OK, it’s true. Besides, all he needs is her.

Bizarro St. Claire’s. Sister Sledge calls Angela up to solve the math problem on the blackboard. A woozy Angela faints on her way up. Sister Sledge doesn’t feel a pulse. Angela’s dead! She looks up. “She died for your sins, Erin.” The whole class looks back at her and starts to chant “she died for your sins”.

Silver wakes up in her bed. She turns off the TV and sighs.

St. Claire’s. Everyone is reading an email from Erin. Wow, all it took was one little dream. Wuss. She walks up the front stairs and past girls that are whispering and staring at her. Angela runs up to her and hugs her. She’s very proud of her. It took her 5 days of fasting before some poor sap admitted to cheating on a test. Erin must feel like a huge weight has been lifted off her. Actually, she feels humiliated, ashamed and sad. Angela wanted her to get to heaven, but now she feels like she’s in hell.

WBHS. Jen and Naomi walk arm and arm through the parking lot and run into Matthews. Naomi introduces them. So, he’s the reason Naomi ends her sentences with dangling prepositions. “About what are you talking?” Chuckles. It’s time for class. Matthews excuses himself not before exchanging a nice lingering look with Jen.

So Jen will pick Naomi up at 3pm for an afternoon drink. Naomi leaves for class. Jen starts to head for her car when she see Ethan across the parking lot. He nervously asks how long she’s staying. She whispers in his ear not to worry. She’ll never tell Naomi that Jen was his first.

Fin.

P.S. Again, I’m so sorry the recaps are late this month. Stupid job. I hope there aren’t too many typos!!!