90210: How Could It Hurt You If It Looks So Good?

It’s May Sweeps and for 90210 it can only mean one thing…

We open up on Annie “dancing” at a raging after-prom party. Computer animated bars quickly reveal it’s a PSA from Principal Wilson. West Bev has adopted a zero tolerance policy on after-prom parties serving alcohol. After the Junior Prom, some idiot got arrested for DUI and some other bigger idiots got alcohol poisoning. Get caught, get suspended, go to summer school. But this time, Ferris can’t get you out of it.

Naomi wonders what Annie was thinking being in that video. Harry begged her and promised to buy whatever prom dress she wanted. Naomi hopes she goes for Chanel. Annie doesn’t have a date yet, so it doesn’t matter much. Someone Naomi refers to as a “dorkasaurus” says hi to Annie. His name is Charlie Pinkwater and he’s big in the world of stage crew. Naomi thinks Charlie can take her to prom, or maybe not if he saw that video. Annie wonders if she’ll ever live it down. Of course she will. Mariah Carey got over Glitter, right?

Matthews’ Class. Students hand in their exams. Liam hands him one with a drawing of a fish. A California Horn Shark to be precise. Matthews asks why he didn’t take the test. Being that the test is only 20% of his grade, he figures he’ll still be able to pass the class with a zero on the test. Matthews doesn’t get him. He’s got potential. Why is he throwing it away? Liam thinks it’s too bad that he’s not from the inner city so Matthews can inspire him to win the Academic Decathlon or something. They can even make a movie about it! You know, it’d really help me out if they made just one of Liam’s smart-ass remarks even remotely funny.

Ethan walks in as Liam leaves. Matthews has great news and hands him an envelope. Is it already time for the Publisher’s Clearinghouse?

Naomi’s. The movers haul in a couch and ask where they want it. Naomi and Jen give different answers. Jen thinks Naomi has a lot to learn. She wanted to buy a white leather couch for chrissakes. Naomi thinks it’s the perfect time to ask for relationship advice. She tells Jen about Liam and how he likes her, or rather, she’s not sure if he knows he likes her, but he’s relationship impaired. She wants to go to the prom with him. What should she do? Jen advises her to pull a Lysistrata, withhold sex to get what you want. Naomi asks what to do if what you want is sex. Jen laughs at her and think she’s got a lot to learn.

Principal’s Office. Harry and Kelly flirt discuss who’s going to be bad cop/good cop. Is this a sex thing? Oh no, they’ve got a meeting with a student. Kelly will be playing bad cop. The student will be played by Liam. He makes some stupid, douchehole remark that I refuse type. Kelly cuts to the chase. His father called. Really! Liam hasn’t talked to him in 10 years, what’d he say? Correction: His step-father called. He’s concerned. Liam seems “detached, anti-social, not committed to this school.” (Who wasn’t? Just me? I see.) Kelly wipes the snide smirk off his face by telling Liam that Step-Dad’s looking into military schools. Harry thinks there’s still time to bring up his grades and get involved with the West Bev community. All his step-father wants to see is that he’s making an effort.

Sunset Tan. How tan does Silver want to go? She’s never gotten a spray tan before so she’s not sure. Some “friend” told her that everyone goes tanning before prom. The spray tanner girl (what the heck do you call those people?) gets excited at the mention of prom and opts for “Weekend in Barbados” and not the “Ross ’5 Mississippis’ Geller”. Silver doesn’t want to look too dark. Dixon probably wouldn’t appreciate it if she showed up in blackface. Tanner Girl loves proms. Is Silver psyched? She is, she’s just not the most experienced prom-goer. Sophomores usually aren’t. Unless they developed early and nabbed an upper classman. Tanner Girl tells her she needs to get her hair blown out, eyebrows waxed and acrylic nails. Fake nails? Really? Yes, unless Silver wants to stand out. Also, the day of prom, shave everywhere. Silver looks scared. Why, I don’t know. It’s not like Dixon hasn’t already seen her business.

Question: What prom are these people going to? The Junior Prom already happened and none of them are Seniors. When did they stop calling it the Spring Dance?

Naomi’s. Liam calls Naomi to ask her to the Prom. She accepts and keeps her cool…until they hang up and she starts screaming and jumping on her bed. These moments, when they act their age, are really refreshing and, unfortunately, few and far between.

Health Class. Oh hey, whatta know, Annie and Liam are in this class together. He makes tick-tock sounds at her as she takes her seat. She forgets their annoying scene from last week and wonders what that’s supposed to mean. It means that he’s counting down the time until she drops her nice girl act. Did he ever think that maybe she’s just a nice person? Not really.

The teacher tells the class to pick a partner. Liam fake excitedly turns to Annie. From across the room, Charlie asks if she has a partner. She goes over and sits with him. While the teacher lectures about CPR, Charlie tells Annie that he heard she was sans prom date. He nervously asks her to the Sophomore Prom. To which I say, THERE IS NO SUCH THING! God, I hate this show. She looks around, revolted that such a nerd would dare ask her to the prom until she sees Liam looking at them. She enthusiastically agrees.

Dixon’s Room. Dixon builds a virtual tux online. Ethan tells him girls aren’t into that flashy stuff. They want simple and classy. Classy like BJ’s in the parking lot. Ethan tells Dixon that he got picked for the All-American Lacrosse Camp. Dixon’s impressed. Ethan’s set. There will be scouts all over the camp. He’ll get recruited and get a scholarship to go to any college he wants. Well, any college with a lacrosse team. Dixon thinks he just got his whole life figured out. Ethan’s not so sure. He was planning to go to visit his dad in Montana and take a road trip. Now it’s just going to be nothing but wind sprint and shooting drills. Dixon thinks it sounds amazing.

Silver walks in and asks what sounds amazing. Dixon tells her about the camp. Silver thinks it is amazing. Like she even knows what that is. She asks how the tux shopping is going. Liam’s not going but Dixon’s all set. She tells him he should go with them. They’re all basically going as a group. A group of couples. She could really use the moral support. He agrees. As he leaves, he looks at Silver and Dixon sadly.

Dining Room. Annie tries to explain to Harry that the get together at Navid’s is not an after-prom party. Harry doesn’t want her to be a tattletale but wants her to tattle if she knows about any illegal non-school sponsored after-parties. He grew up in Beverly Hills and knows about the parties full of drugs, sex and booze. Dixon joins them. Becky asks if he got a tux. He did. It’s kind of boring, but he doesn’t care. All he cares about is Silver having a good and changing her mind about coming back to West Bev. Becky doesn’t want him to get his hopes up. Dixon laughs it off. He appreciates it, but he’s got this. Whatever that’s supposed to mean.

Annie’s Room. The room is full of racks of dresses. Some sort of stylist brings out a strapless pink gown. It’s too “sweet” for Naomi, but Silver tries it on. Pregs asks if she has any maternity prom dresses. She does. Who is this chick? And why is she enabling teen pregnancy?!

Naomi thinks Annie should call Charlie at the last moment, tell him she’s sick and find another date. Naomi calls Becky (the stylist, not Annie’s mom) over and tells her she can’t decide so she’ll take all three dresses and have Jen help her decide later. Silver walks out in her pageant gown. Pregs thinks she looks pretty. Naomi doesn’t think it’s her. Silver’s only going for Dixon; she doesn’t want to stand out. So a pink dress with a huge pink tulle skirt is the way to go?

Naomi offers to run Annie’s legs over with her car to get her out of going with Charlie. Annie reminds her that she’s not crazy about Naomi’s date either. Naomi tells her that she needs to get on board. Liam asked to her to prom. He’s obviously over his commitment issues. Obviously. Annie’s sorry. She’s glad that Naomi’s happy. Becky comes back with Naomi’s credit card. It’s been declined.

Naomi’s. Naomi comes home and needs to talk to Jen. First, Jen shows her the prom dress she just bought. Matthews asked her to be his date. How hilarious is it to wear couture to the sophomore prom? I don’t know. Let’s ask the girl from Pico Rivera that couldn’t afford to go to prom. Naomi tells her that her AmEx was declined. Their business manager said she reached her limit. She didn’t know she had a limit nor that she was paying for everything. Jen’s sorry. She confesses to lying to Naomi. She invested in the stock market at the wrong time and is now in a financial pinch. In other words, she’s broke. She’s really sorry. Naomi says it’s OK, but why did she lie to her? Jen’s the big sister. She didn’t want Naomi taking care of her. Naomi’s glad to help, but if she’s paying for everything then she gets to pick out the furniture. They’re getting that white leather couch.

Prom. Looks like it’s being held at Paramount Studios. The “Gang” arrives. Silver can’t go through with it. Everyone will be staring at her. Pregs says they won’t if she stands by her. She relents.

The couples walk the red carpet, complete with paparazzi.

Pregs and Navid stop ham it up for the cameras.

Annie bitch-faces her way down the carpet with Charlie in tow.

Silver and Dixon walk in slowly. He realizes Ethan is standing back and calls him over. She now confidently walks in with both guys on her arms.

Naomi and Liam pose. Well Naomi does, fiercely. Liam just sulks and asks if they can go inside.

Inside, Navid sees Ty across the way. He thinks Ty should know about all the sleepless nights she spent deciding whether or not to raise they baby. He leaves to tell him and is stopped by Pregs’ faked labor pains. She tells him to ignore Ty.

Annie and Charlie look over the nominees for Prom Queen. Naomi is nominated, despite having only 3 friends and being a bitch to everyone else. Speaking of bitches, Charlie thinks Annie should be up there. She’s one of the five prettiest girls at West Bev. Maybe it’s cause she’s new?

Cue Dixon, surprised to see his pic as a nominee for Prom King. Some random girl comes up to Silver and tells her she’s really glad she made it. Dixon told her everyone would be nice. They’re treating her like she has a terminal disease, but they’re being nice. Dixon doesn’t think that’s true. She’s fine, she just has to deal with it for one night.

Dance Floor. Everyone jumps up and down to some rhythm-less music. Jen pulls Matthews out to the dance floor. He says that teacher’s don’t dance. She rubs her body against him and asks if that counts as dancing. In some countries. In others it would be considered fornication. He sees Kelly and wants to introduce Jen to her. As luck would have it, they already know each other. Kelly was Jen’s guidance counselor. Awkwardness.

Two girls walk down the red carpet talking about the alcohol in her parents’ garage that they’ll take out when they leave for Palm Springs. Harry overhears and thanks Phoebe Abrams, the party hostess, for the information.

Dance Floor. Charlie tells Annie that they’ll have to go out again, under less formal circumstances. Annie “Let’em Down Easy” Wilson, tells him she’s not interested romantically. Why did she go with him? She didn’t have a date and she knew how much he wanted to go with her. So it was a pity date? She was trying to be nice. What would have been nice is if she was honest. He could have went with the girl that actually did want to go with him. He tells her to take her pity and shove it. Charlie leaves and Annie sees Liam watching them.

Naomi walks up to Jen, who asks about Liam. He’s sitting by himself with earphones on. Jen thinks he seems like the life of the party. He’s not a prom person. He’s just there for Naomi, because he likes her so much. Jen is sure he does. Neither is fully convinced.

Harry interrupts the band and takes the microphone from the singer. He announces how “stoked” he is for Phoebe Abrams’ after-prom party. He’ll be there with his homies from the BHPD.

Out in the crowd, Phoebe asks Charlie how Harry found out about the party. He glares over at Annie. He knows who told.

Powder Room. Jen runs into Kelly. She picked up on the vibes between Ryan and Kelly and thinks it’s funny that they have the same taste in men. Kelly tells her that she briefly dated Matthews. Jen thinks academics are so sexy, and she’s not just talking about teachers. At Yale, she dated someone in the Registrar’s Office, which is how she was able to read her letters of recommendation from high school. One of them wasn’t as glowing as the others. Kelly wrote that letter because it’s her job to tear students down and ruin their chances at a successful future give the colleges an honest appraisal of the students. So that’s why she wrote that Jen was a “narcissist with no moral compass”. Jeez Kelly, did you ever hear about not saying anything if you have nothing nice to say?

It doesn’t matter though. Jen had an impeccable transcript, was senior class president and was a goddamn legacy, all right? Kelly still seems to be upset that Jen stole some girls term paper to beat her out for valedictorian. She knows who Jen really is. “Self-centered, devious, willing to do whatever it takes to get what you want.” Jen tells her to take it easy; she hasn’t even slept with Matthews yet. Kelly reassures her it isn’t about him. Jen, applying more mascara, is appalled that Kelly thinks so little of her. Before Kelly stomps out, Jen gets one more jab in and Kelly for some guidance on what Matthews likes in bed.

Back in the ballroom, Drama Nerd (the one who’s too gay to function) is back to announce the Prommies, aka Prom King and Queen. This year’s Prom King nominees are: Blonde Guy, Brunet Guy, Ethan, Dixon and Ty. And the winner is…Dixon. He gets his crown and mini Oscar statuette and tells the crowd that winning is pretty cool.

Next, the moment they’ve all been waiting for: the announcement of the Sophomore Prom Queen. This year’s nominees are: Phoebe Abrams, Naomi, Brunette Girl, Bad Black Dye Job Girl and Blonde Girl. Drama Nerd says they are all lovely ladies. Not his type, but lovely nonetheless. And the winner is…a write-in. Naomi wonders if that’s fair. The winner is…Silver, ex-West Bev student. That’s some bullshit.

She goes up on stage. Dixon hugs her and whispers in her ear that he told her everyone supports her. She asks if he had everyone write her in. It was his idea, but everyone there likes her. She accepts her crown and Prommie. She thanks the crowd. It’s been a hard year for her, she’s had to question who she is, what she’s about. She thanks them for reminding her that the whole prom thing isn’t her. She hates proms and everything they stand for. All she’s wanted for this past episode is to fit in. She rambles on and on about all the conformist things she’s done, like the spray tan, acrylic nails and high heels. Maybe she is a freak. “But that is better than being some weird zombie, prom-loving loser.” She takes off the crown, which Naomi quickly offers to help her with. Heh. Meanwhile, Dixon looks like someone kicked him in his pancreas.

Ethan, high on Silver’s Conforming to be Different speech, goes up to Matthews and tells him that he won’t be going to the Lacrosse camp. He’s going to visit his dad in Montana. Liam’s not sure what he’s about, but he knows it’s not Lacrosse. It’s also about plagiarizing Silver’s speech.

Out on the dance floor, Phoebe and her eyebrows confront Annie. Why did she tell her dad about the party? Annie didn’t. Is that what everyone thinks? Phoebe says everyone doesn’t think, they know. “You’re a rat.” Silver laughs it off. Annie wonders why people think she told him. Silver doesn’t think she should worry about what people think. She leaves her to go talk to Dixon. Annie doesn’t look too happy.

Silver walks over to Dixon, who’s pouting over his dessert. She thanks him for getting everyone to write in her name. It was just what she needed to wake her up. She’s ready to return to West Bev. He thinks it’s great, but doesn’t seem too excited. She asks him what’s wrong. What does she care, he’s just a zombie, prom-loving loser. You forgot weird. He leaves, presumably to go cry in the girls’ bathroom.

Ethan comes over to tell Silver her speech was awesome. She thanks him. I wonder…If only the writers had hooked Ethan up with Silver earlier instead of Annie. Hmmm…

Matthews and Jen go up to the bar. Jen thinks it’s a drag they don’t serve liquor…at the Sophomore Prom. She gets a call and leaves to take it. Kelly comes up to Matthews and, basically, recites the recommendation letter she wrote for Jen. Matthews apologizes for not checking with Kelly about bringing a date. He thought they were cool after their contrived night of love making. Kelly’s not jealous, she’s just trying to be a friend. She makes it clear that she’s not interested in him anymore. He asks if there’s someone else. No, she’s moved on.

Outside, Jen argues with Olivier and tells him it’s the reason she wants a divorce. Dun dun DUUNNNN!

Paramount Backlot. Naomi carries on a one-sided conversation with Liam. She sees the New York set and asks him if he wants to take a walk. She thinks he’s one of those people that thinks NY is better than LA. He scoffs agreement. He should give it time. LA has everything. Mountains, beaches, great weather. He thinks it has NO weather. He misses the snow. They run into Kelly who’s sitting on a fake stoop. She’s glad to see that Liam went to the prom. His step-father will be too. I don’t see going to the prom as getting involved in school activities, unless you were on the prom committee. Is it just me?

Naomi wonders what she meant about his step-dad. He tells her about having to get involved in school activities. Is that why he asked her to the prom? He doesn’t think it matters. She does. Mars/Venus. Will these two ever find common ground? She confesses to liking him. She doesn’t care if it’s not cool to admit, but she’s tired of pretending. Everyone called her a stupid bitch fool. He didn’t treat her right but she kept defending him. She was excited that he invited her to prom, that he cleaned out his car for her and bought her a black orchid corsage.

Wait, why did he get her the corsage? He knew he was supposed to. But black orchids have to be special ordered and she knows because they are her favorite. How did he know that? Did he ask someone? He didn’t. His lack of explanation makes Naomi realize that he looked at her Facebook page to learn more about her. He saw black orchids listed between spicy tuna rolls and the smell of Neiman Marcus under “Interests”. That means he <3s her!!! Right? Totally.

Kelly runs into Harry on the red carpet. He asks if she’s having fun. Yeah! Sure. Kind of. She tried to give a friend advice but should have stayed out of it instead. Harry doesn’t think that’s her. She cares about people, she’s passionate. If her friend can’t see that then he’s an idiot. He guesses it was a “he”. She thanks him. He means it. Luckily, Becky calls Harry’s cell and breaks up the long, lingering stare he and Kelly have going on. She wouldn’t go to the prom with him. Maybe he should punish her by sleeping with Kelly not answering it?

On another end of the red carpet, Navid starts a fight with Ty. He’s so sick of looking at him. Does Ty know what Pregs has gone through? He answers by punching Navid in the face. Skinny guy fighting ensues. Pregs walks up and breaks up a fight with a well timed “My water just broke.”

Back Lot. Naomi and Liam chat. She thinks his step-dad sounds like an ass. Can’t he talk to his mom? They used to be close, but she changed when she re-married. Liam would rather be poor that live rich with him. Naomi thinks that sucks. He grabs her hand. Snow starts to fall. He asks her to dance.

P.S. Thanks for reading and being so patient these last couple weeks. Stay tuned for the season finale!!!