90210: I Had A Girl, And Donna Was Her Name…

Heck yeah! It’s the episode of 90210 we’ve been been waiting for…and by “we” I mean me and Tori Spelling’s checkbook. Bear with me Gasmii. There’s a lot of filler (Naomi, Liam, Ethan, Dixon, Harry and Becky) and nonsense (Annie). Luckily, they did give us enough good stuff (Donna and Kelly) to quench our thirst for the Old Skool. Sigh. I wonder what season Soap Net is playing this week…

Previously: People met, others broke-up, someone went crazy.

Kelly’s. Dixon fills Silver in on the haps at WBHS. It’s Spring Break time. Someone named Jake Olson is having a party on his uncle’s yacht in the Greek Isles. For some reason, Keith Richards and a Pussycat Doll will be in attendance. Ahh, high school. Such an innocent time. Kelly interrupts to offer them low sugar cookies and to ask them to change the subject to something less stimulating…than Keith Richards. Dixon gets it and asks about Silver’s day yesterday. It was a nice bland day filled with meals with Kelly, the taking of medication and consumption of non-stimulating media. Dixon thinks structure is good. Kelly agrees, so off you go Dixon. He offers to visit again tomorrow but Silver thinks he should take a break and enjoy his vacation. He’ll think about it and tells her he’ll call. Kelly, from a short distance, reminds him not to call after 8.

WBHS. Dixon meets up with Annie at her locker. She’s not as excited about SPRING BREAK! as Dixon is. She thought she would be doing fun LA things with Ethan and shopping for her prom dress. Instead, she’ll be alone, utterly alone, wallowing in post break-up funkitude. Dixon wonders how she feels about a brother/sister road trip. They haven’t spent as much time together as they used to in Kansas, he misses her. But where would they go? Arizona, for adventure and water park fun. Annie doesn’t think Becky and Harry will go for it. No, but they’ll let them go to Lucille’s house in Palm Springs. Sneaky!

Matthews’ Class. Matthews tries to get more students to sign up for his Habitat for Humanity trip to build houses for victims of the California wildfires. One of the heirs to the Max Factor fortune says he’d rather hang with the drunks chick on South Beach. Naomi shuns his macho pig ways prompting Matthews to ask if she’s interested. “Build houses for poor people; have poor people wait on me hand and foot in Cabo? Tough choice.” To know her is to love her. Matthews goes for the hard sell asking if anyone wants to experience new things, learn something about themselves. Ethan does, to Naomi and Matthews surprise. As the sign-up sheet gets passed back to him, something catches Naomi’s attention.

Hallway. Naomi runs out of class looking for Liam who has also signed up for the trip. Naomi thinks it’s exciting to give something back to poor people. Liam doesn’t feel the same. He cut Matthews’ Sociology class a few times and has to go or fail the class. Naomi lies and says she feels his pain as she’s also being forced to go by family. The same family that is letting her live in a 4 star hotel all by herself. Either way, they can spend some time together. He unenthusiastically gives her a maybe.

Kelly’s. Kelly nervously knocks on a door looking for Silver who’s was in the shower. Kelly wonders why it took an hour. Silver wanted some privacy. Well, enough of that nonsense, it’s time for crazy pills and mood charts. Silver’s current mood is irritated, level 6. Kelly asks how she wants to spend her time before bed. Would she like to journal? Silver would not nor would she like to use the word “journal” as a verb. She doesn’t want to do anything, just sit in silence. Kelly looks at her nervously. Luckily, the doorbell rings. Who can it be?

They walk in and Donna starts taking off her shoes. You know, living in Japan and all. She asks Silver how she’s doing. Silver says she’s been better, she’s been a lot worse, but she is very happy Donna’s there. She tells Kelly she’s not too happy, so there’s no need to worry. Donna’s happy to be there. All she’s wanted to do since she heard was go to LA and hug her. Kelly asks if the Japanese fashion world will collapse in her absense. Never fear, Special K. Skype and email will save the day.

Now that Donna stopped by (unannounced) to hug Silver, she’ll take Ruby, her daughter, and go to a hotel. Sammy’s conveniently visiting Dylan so Kelly offers them his room. Question: Does Kelly ever spend time with that whiny brat? Donna, Japanese resident, says she’ll make some tea to have their very own Japanese tea ceremony. Kelly is impressed with Donna’s worldliness, or more correctly, her Japanliness. Donna says the French have Jerry Lewis, the Japanese have equally goofy Donna Martin. Before she can tell Kelly and Silver about her harajuku life, Kelly sends a disappointed Silver to bed.

Desert Highway. Annie figures that they should call the ‘rents in an hour and 45 minutes to tell them they made it to Palm Springs. Dixon is impressed with Annie’s craftiness. I’m impressed she can speak in complete sentences. Annie is amazing. Dixon makes a stink about the first song of a road trip, even though they are obviously already out of the city and driving in the desert. Dixon wants “No Sleep till Brooklyn”, Annie chooses “Seasons of Love”. Dixon’s rules of driving state that the driver controls the songs, the passenger manages the snacks. He asks for a refreshment and we get a nice shot of a cooler full of Dr. Peppers. He can enjoy his tasty beverage once she “hears the sweet sounds of the Rent Soundtrack.

Cocina Wilson. Harry wonders how he and Becky will pass the time now that they’re alone. He makes room on the kitchen counter and suggests sex. Lots of stinky, ugly, messy sex. Becky has to line up a nude model for her photography class assignment. Harry thinks it’s time for him to watch his wife work her photog magic again.

Casa for Humanity. Matthews addresses the volunteers as Naomi saunters up to Liam. “Play your cards right and maybe we’ll get some alone time together.” Liam informs her that’s an oxymoron. Matthews tells the students that they are in Chumash country so to bring any found artifacts to his attention. Some random idiot in the crowd hopes to find some ancient Chumash weed. Liam asks if he’s talking about peyote, which the “Native Americans used to expand their minds and open themselves up to revelations”. Actually, Professor, he was talking about WEED. Thanks for the history lesson though.

Naomi runs over to Ethan and makes small talk. Ethan’s feeling good to be out of his comfort zone. While he was doing that, Naomi had a little exchange with Liam that she needs deciphering. Like what did he mean mean. She tells him about her fling with Liam and how cryptic he is. What does he think? Ethan thinks first it’s talking about boys, next shopping together at the mall. He tells her she should talk to someone else about it. Who? The girls on the trip are smelly granolas and not one of them has complimented her on her cute shorts. Ethan laughs (at her). Naomi gets a better idea, Ethan can talk to Liam for her! He flat out refuses. She’s happy he’ll think about it. He’s totally gonna do it. Pussy.

Rodeo Drive. Kelly and Donna cruise around in a freakin’ Rolls Royce. Donna chats on her cell to Japan and stops to pick up the name she dropped. Kelly reviews recent California driving laws with Donna. She hasn’t been behind the wheel since forever. BTW, public transit in Tokyo is amazing. Kelly can’t picture Donna on public transit. Sorry Kelly. Some cities provide a decent public transit system so that their residents don’t have to depend on ozone destroying cars.

Anyway, Kelly drove by their old store, Now Wear This, the other day and it’s now a medical marijuana dispensary. Donna thinks that if they sold hemp clothing they wouldn’t have gone bankrupt; you can’t win them all. Kelly thinks her winning Japan is better, especially since her and David are like this power couple. Speaking of, how is he? Nice Kelly, it only took you a day to ask. David’s fabulous. He got a promotion and the new girl rapper out of Osaka he discovered is blowing up. Enough about David, more shopping!

Desert Rest Stop. Dixon’s not happy about having to stop again for a potty break. Maybe if she didn’t drink so much of that delicious, refreshing Dr. Pepper. Annie says that she gets paid every time they mention it in the script it’s a required road trip activity. Before running in to use the facilities, she thanks him for suggesting the trip. It was just what she needed. Alone, he makes a call and asks for a Dana Bowen. She’s at lunch but he doesn’t leave a message…he’ll go see her himself. She probably works at a water park.

Casa for Humanity. Ethan paints as Naomi bugs him about talking to Liam. She breaks him and he goes to ask. She yells out orders to not mention her…unless, of course, he likes her too. Heh. He introduces himself to Liam who responds with a “good for you”. He acknowledges the awkwardness of the question and asks if Liam likes Naomi. Liam assumes he’s asking as the jealous ex-boyfriend and asks if Ethan’s going to punch him. Umm, no. Ethan asks him what his problem is. Liam tells him to take it easy, not to go into a roid rage. They both wish each other a nice trip to hell. Ethan goes back and tells Naomi Liam’s an ass. She knows, but does he like her? Ethan paints violently and gives her the evil eye. Naomi does what she does best and struts away.

Sushi. Donna seems to be speaking in tongues…oh no, she’s just ordering in Japanese. Kelly reminds her they have to pick Silver up from therapy in 45 minutes. Donna asks how she’s doing with all this. Kelly says it’s been hard. She can tell Silver resents her but she’s willing to do whatever it takes, even making Silver hate her, to make her better. I believe her grad school thesis, Heal through Hate: The Positive Effects of Bugging the Shit out of your Bipolar Loved Ones, explains this approach in greater detail. Some chick that looks like Montana from Real World: Boston comes up to their table and compliments Donna’s kimono-y dress. She’s been shopping all morning for a dress for this fabu premiere party and Donna’s is the only dress she has liked. Yeah, well Donna’s not a mannequin, so back off.

Kelly asks Montana if she’s Diablo Cody. Yes, yes she is. Huh, so that’s what she looks like. (Question: Am I the only person in America that hasn’t seen Juno?) Anyways, Donna’s not familiar with Montana’s work but does declare love for it when Montana tells her it was known as Teenage Mommy Girl in Japan. Montana loves Donna’s dress. Kelly, PR specialist, tells her it’s a Donna Martin Original and that she’s the Stella McCartney of Japan. Well, except for the fact that people outside of England know who Stella McCartney is. Since Donna hasn’t offered up the dress off her back, Montana says she’d love to wear one of her dresses to the premiere. Unfortunately, not everyone who’s big in Japan can get a store to sell their clothes in LA. Luckily, as Kelly points out, Donna can sew really fast.

AZ. Slutty Cowgirl shows Dixon and Annie to their cheesy western themed room. Annie wants to figure out what water park to start at first. Dixon starts to feel guilty and tells her the truth. They aren’t in Arizona for the water parks. His birth mom lives there.

Palm Tree Blvd. Donna tells Silver about meeting Montana. Silver is excited, which is weird since she was like 5 when that season came out. She’s been reading her blog for years, Montana is her idol…and I’m sure this ep is the last time we’ll be hearing about it. Donna’s gonna make her dress and style her. Would Silver like to be her assistant? Of course she would. Would Kelly like to put an end to any and all fun? Of course she would. Silver’s mood? “Angry. Level 10.” I wonder where Ruby is?

Pond for Humanity. Naomi breaks branches off of a really pretty tree. Liam sneaks up to tell her kindling is best when it’s not still converting carbon dioxide into oxygen. She greets the oxymoron and tells him that she know what that means. “Aren’t you the little philologist?” Really, Liam? Really? She laughs nervously and heads back to camp. He stops her because you can’t do “this” at camp. By “this” he means rip her arm out of its socket and swallow her jaw.

Adjacent Pond for Humanity. Ethan looks out into the sunset. Naomi and her sexed-up-in-the-woods-hair stroll up. She tells Ethan about bumping fuzzies among the shrubs with Liam. She’s sure he likes her. It’s cute how she still thinks sex equals feelings. The sex was AMAZING and he does this things with his hands…Maybe she should talk to Liam about it. She would but he went off to score some peyote even though he totally knows Naomi hates drugs. “He is a bad, bad boy”. Ethan leaves.

Ethan finds Matthews and asks if they will be able to explore the area. Matthews doesn’t think they’ll have time. Ethan was expecting to interact with different people, get different perspectives. I guess other than the people that are already there. He wants to learn something new about himself, like Matthews said. Patience young padawan, maybe you will.

Casa Wilson. Becky snaps away on her camera. Harry’s peeved at Becky’s choice of a male nude model. He wonders if she has to be that close to him. I wonder how wide that lens she’s using is. There’s no way she can be getting full body shots at that range. I’m just saying. Annie calls. Lucille’s house is great. They’re chillin’ by the pool. Harry tells her they’re doing a crossword. Lies! All lies!!!

Annie tells Dixon she’s not happy lying to their dad. He reminds her they were already lying to him. It’s not the same thing. A lie is a lie is a lie I always say. He couldn’t tell them about it because they would make a big deal about it. Yeah. They’d be all, “Dixon, we love you. Don’t leave us!” Drama queens. Annie agrees but wonders why he lied to her. He thought she would be upset or spazz out. He just wants to see his mom and see if she’s OK. She wonders if she is, will Dixon stay with her? Of course not Annie, don’t be ridiculous…but please make this about you somehow.

She’s sorry. It’s just that he has this whole family, this whole past that she doesn’t even know. He gets it, he feels there’s a whole part of himself he doesn’t know. Plus, he’s the one that adopted, so…He just wants to apologize to his mom for choosing to be adopted when his gangy died instead of going to live with her. He was so mad at her for being crazy, so he left. Since his diagnosis of Silver, he sees that it’s not her fault. She had a disease.

Camp for Humanity. Ethan’s waiting for Liam at his tent. He wants to buy some peyote off of him. Liam doesn’t think he can handle it. Ethan ponders this and then tells him to give him some or he’ll tell Matthews he’s holding. “Blackmail, huh? Not exactly keeping with the ancient Chumash spirit.” No, but your Chumash name, Big Douche Bag, does. Liam agrees and says he’ll make some tea tomorrow for the both of them. Ethan would rather go at it alone. Liam says it’s totals hard-core and that he needs a “guide”. That’s the deal, otherwise, no dice.

Kelly’s. Donna irons Montana’s dress. Silver comes in to sneak a peek at the dress. She loves the fabric. Donna notices her tat and quickly asks her what she thinks of the dress. It’s gorgeous, but she has to go before Warden Taylor sees her up. Donna offers up some words of Japanese flavored wisdom.

Once upon a time, at her first fashion show in Japan, there was this evil twig who wouldn’t wear the shoes Donna had picked out for her. Donna fretted for she thought the twig was out to ruin her magical show. That is until Donna herself tried on the shoes and fell flat on her face.

Does Silver smell what Donna is cooking? She smells it. Kelly and her should walk in each other’s shoes…the prob, Kelly’s shoes suck. Is it me, or was she totally channeling Valerie Malone with that line reading? I mean, she totally looks like her.

AZ. Annie drops Dixon off at his mom’s building. She tells him to give her a shout when he’s done, she’ll be exploring. He sees his mom walking out on her lunch break. Annie tells him to go to her. He can’t; it’s too painful. He wishes he could go apologize to her, but he’s just not ready yet.

Annie walks up to Dana and introduces herself as Dixon’s sister. She tells her that Dixon wanted to see her and talk to her but got too nervous. He wants to apologize. Dana wonders what for. She tells her about the choice Dixon made. Dana, the only person learned in the laws of parental rights, tells Annie that the choice was actually hers. She thought Dixon would be better off getting adopted. Annie assures her she’ll tell him and turns to leave. Dana asks her if Dixon’s OK. He is, how is she? She’s doing OK, too. She’s happy Dixon finally got the sister he always wanted and shares some of her Baby Dixon memories.

Peyote Pines. Ethan asks how long until the peyote kicks in. Liam tells him to “look at a fixed point in the horizon and start taking deep breaths”. It’s just a little something that Hunter Thompson taught him. Fascinating. He “guides” Ethan through some breathing exercises. There’s a rustling in the bushes and Ethan spots a coyote.

Liam tells him to close his eyes and to picture his own face and go into the image of it until he’s looking into one of his eyes. What is the expression on the face within your face? No seriously, that’s what he says. I am not making this up. Liam is surprised when Ethan says that it’s frowning. Ethan continues that people don’t see him that way. But that’s the face within the face, get it? Ethan’s tired of hiding his true self, of not wanting to cause trouble for anyone. He’s tired of being a phony. A coyote howls in the distance. A nation rolls its eyes.

Premiere. Donna fixes Montana’s dress and tells her how good she’s making it look. No, the dress is making her look good. I vote for “none of the above”. Montana gives us Old Skoolers hope by telling her she should open a store in LA. “Seriously, we need you here.” Meta. She gets rushed off to the red carpet with Donna attached to her back, finishing some last minute deets.

Kelly’s. Silver and Kelly watch the premiere on Extra Access Tonight. Montana gets stopped for an interview and they flip out when they notice Donna behind her. The interviewer asks about her dress and Montana introduces Donna. She freezes, says hi to the camera and runs off.

Kelly and Silver, scream and laugh. Kelly notices they haven’t laughed like that in a long time. She knows how Silver feels about her, but they can’t forget what happened. Silver can’t; her tat reminds her everyday. She doesn’t want her whole life to be about that. Kelly starts to re-tell Donna’s story, but Silver tells her she already heard it. Silver concedes Kelly was right, but she still needs a little excitement in her life. Like maybe some late night face masks, baked cookies and horror movie? Kelly, ever the tease, offers up 2 out of 3.

Peyote Pines. Ethan’s tweeking. He yammers on and on (and on) about the new improved Ethan. He’s been talking non-stop and asks Liam if he’s ruining his high. Liam is getting high on the profundity of Ethan’s trip. So much so that he has to take a leak. A few moments later, Liam shrieks. Ethan calls out for him and the voice that answers back is like an octave lower than Liam’s, who fell down a small cliff. He hurt his ankle and asks for help. Ethan wonders if it’s a cosmic test, cause the old, boring, lame, Ethan would have helped. Liam assures him it’s not. How does he know? Because the peyote Ethan thought he was drinking was actually herb(al) tea. He can attribute his high to the paint fumes and beers he drank. Ethan helps him up and then punches him in the face to the sounds of a rocking guitar riff.

Kelly’s. Kelly and Silver answer the door with face masks ablaze. It’s Donna and Montana! Silver freaks and fan girls all over the place. Montana insists on getting a picture with Silver.

Peyote Pines. Liam tells Ethan that he couldn’t score peyote. He messed with him because he doesn’t respond well to threats. “And because you’re a douchebag.” Hear, hear, honey! Liam reminds him that he wanted a revelation and he got one, sober. Hallucinogens aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. He knows because the last time he dropped acid he tried to cut his arm off. Now Ethan knows something personal about him. Even steven.

Kelly’s. Donna and Kelly celebrate the moments of their lives with some flavored coffee. Kelly says that it sucks when your BFF lives halfway across the world. (Tell me about it. <3 you Jen!) Donna's been toying with the idea of returning to The Bev. What about David? Will he go for it? Probably not since they're separated.

Rant: We were all so happy when they finally got married and now they’re separated because B.A.G. thinks he’s too good to be on this crapfest? LAME!

Desert Highway. Dixon thanks her for talking to Dana for him. If she hadn’t he still would be feeling bad. He asks her to accompany him when he’s finally ready to talk to her. Of course.

WBHS. Naomi runs up to Liam and tells him she thought that he could give her a ride. He asks if her house is on the way to Ethan’s. I don’t think that’s the kind of ride she was thinking of. Ethan and Liam exchanged douchey head nods across the parking lot. She tells him to forget it and starts to walk away. He grabs her and pulls her back. She’ll be getting that ride very soon. I hope she keeps up with her waxing appointments!

Fin.

Next week: Someone’s marriage may be ending, another’s may be coming soon, someone hates Annie more than I do.