90210: I’ll be your Freakazoid, Come on and Wind Me Up!

‘Sup Gasmii! Welcome back to another craptastic episode of 90210. It’s been a long and busy week for me at work. I didn’t even have time to work on this during business hours!! I was stressing out about not being able to provide you, my faithful reader(s), a decent recap. Then I remembered that American Idol is back and realized that no one in the world was watching, so who cares? Are you with me?

****This recap was not late, it is just being posted late due to technical difficulties. Sorry, Mones! Love, Flipit

I gotta say, I was a little disappointed this week. The preview was awfully misleading. I was really looking forward to Preggers getting back on that horse, but instead we got a whole bunch of nothing. Why won’t they just give us what we need!!!

Previously: Naomi isn’t your average sophomore. Ethan and Annie are BF & GF por vida. Naomi helps Adriana and gets shafted. Navid is a virgin. (Since when?) Adriana got knocked up. Wait, I thought Navid was a virgin? Oh right, she’s a whore.

We open with Annie and Ethan on the phone. She’s jealous of her friends back in Kansas who will probably get a snow day while they are suffering through a heatwave. She’s so hot she’s practically wearing nothing. This perks Ethan up. Ewww. He asks what kind of nothing as they both lie back on their beds. She says she’s wearing a black negligee that she describes as “black, sort of sheer”. Woah, she’s obviously phone-sexed before. Before things get out of hand, Becky picks up the line and ends the party. Before they hang up, Ethan tells Annie he loves her. Ditto.

Breakfast. Annie and Dixon help Lucille practice lines for an audition. Becky barges in complaining that the AC was turned off. It’s better for Lucille’s vocal chords if it’s off. Who is she, Madonna? It’s time for school and Dixon and Annie haven’t done their chores yet. What time is it? When does school start? The timeline on this show is so confusing. The way it’s lit, it always seems to be sunset.

Anyways, Lucille pays people to do the chores, the kids are helping her with her lines. Chores are for learning responsibility according to Becky. Lucille thinks all it teaches them is to take out the trash. Becky goes to Harry for some help but he buries himself in the paper. Annie & Dixon end their squawking and do their chores. Annie asks Dixon for the car keys, but he has plans, of the extracurricular persuasion.

WBHS. Annie and Ethan make out. Vomit. I’m trying to eat and type here people? Silver and Dixon, hereforto, Silxon, walk down the hall. Silver thinks that global warming and the Santa Ana winds blowing in January have harkened the end of times. Oh look, here’s one of the Seven Signs now? Annie and Ethan, hereforto, Anthan. She tells Dixon to check Revelations. Shut up, Silver. Your dad’s Jewish and your mom’s a coke whore. What do you know about the New Testament? Anthan part ways with “I Love You”‘s to Silver’s chagrin. She mocks them, shit talks and then leaves to likely change her tampon and pop some Midol. Bitch is seriously in a stank ass mood.

AV Club. Preggers sits in on a Blaze lighting test while Navid declares her the most beautiful subject ever. Is his source on this reliable? She asks him if he’s happy, “with us”. He’s never been happier, wouldn’t want to change a thing. She asks, “So you don’t want things to change?”. Umm, yeah, that’s what he just said, shit. He claims to love him some Barack Obama, but in their case, that kind of change is bad. Shut the fuck up, Virgin, you can’t even vote yet. He says he’s happy. So is she. Oh Preggers, wait till the pregnancy related hemorrhoids kick in.

PE. This week’s sport: field hockey. Naomi bitches about having to hustle in 100 degree weather. The class runs out to start playing while Naomi and Preggers do their best David Copperfield disappearing acts by turning and covering their faces with their hands. Their teacher, who we’ll call Ms. Stoeger, asks them what’s up. Naomi, explains that she’s on the rag (her too?) and that she’s “bleeding like a stuck pig”. She needs to go to the nurse. Well, she got the pig part right. Preggers has a migraine. Off they go. Searching for a point to that scene is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.

WBHS Hallway. Preggers asks Naomi to dinner. She’s going through some stuff and thought she could handle it but needs to talk to her in private. Naomi asks, “You’re going through something?”. THAT’S WHAT SHE JUST SAID. What’s with these people? Did they all participate in some sort of peer counseling workshop and are all practicing active listening? She agrees to dinner and before Preggers can say, “So you agree to have dinner”, The Pussycats call Naomi over.

The Pussycats ask Naomi what the haps. Naomi, who isn’t as good at reading between the lines as she is jumping to conclusions, thinks that Preggers is using again. The Pussycats don’t think Preggers is worth it. Naomi already tried helping her once, it’s not her problem. Naomi is pissed. “What’s with her? Why is she such a trainwreck druggie?” Probably the same reasons you are such a cunt-faced bitch Naomi. Think about it, I haven’t.

Chemistry class. Everyone’s wearing white lab coats and stunna goggles. Preggers is mixing some chemicals. I’m sure inhaling those fumes is good for the baby she seems to think is a good idea to keep. She’s praised by the teacher as Naomi looks on. Then she does something that I’ve only seen pregnant women on TV do, faint. Naomi can’t believe it’s happening again.

Cafeteria. Anthan mack at the table. Silxon stroll up and Silver asks if they’re in heat. Funny, since she’s the bitch on the rag. Dixon asks Annie for the keys and she rats him out on his “extracurricular activities”. He tells them he joined the choir. Silver laughs in his face. Nice. I guess she forgot that whole Gospel BBQ with the Denzel and the singing and the being jealous of Xtina giving something she couldn’t. Instead of punching her in the ovaries, he asks what’s wrong with that. She mocks his participation in an organized school activity. How can you not love her?

Harry comes on over the video PA. The AC in the school is broken and won’t be fixed for another day. So instead of taking a page from the Jaime Escalante Teacher’s Handbook and telling those rich brats to “think cool”, he announces that school will be cancelled the following day. The cafeteria erupts with cheer and chants of “Beach Party! Beach Party!”.

After-school. Naomi spots Navid and tells him that he has a problem, his GF is using again. He doesn’t think so. Naomi tells him that Preggers is not always her responsibility. Navid (and the three of us in America watching) tells her to get over herself.

Hey, it’s everyone’s favorite 2 headed monster, Anthan! We really missed you guys! Annie really wanted to be alone with Ethan, but he promised his brother…something. He doesn’t elaborate but I’m sure it’s much more exciting than any part of Anthan’s tired relationship. They’ll be together tomorrow, along with all their classmates at the beach. Lucille pulls up in…A BRAND NEW CAR!!! Annie, come on down! Lucille got it for Annie and Dixon out of the goodness of her heart and not to stick it to Becky, I’m sure.

Casa Wilson. Becky ain’t havin’ it. Annie doesn’t think she should deny her the car just to prove a point. Harry thinks another car would come in handy. After a hard stare from Becky, he tells Lucille that she should have run it by them first. Becky doesn’t think a 16-year-old needs a car, especially since there are kids in the world without shoes. Hey Becky, it’s not Annie’s fault those kids’ grandmothers are too poor to buy them shoes! Becky asks for the keys. It’s going back.

Casa Wilson. Lucille is doing tai chi. Annie doesn’t think tai chi was practiced in colonial New England. Neither was anorexia. Stick a sandwich in it, Skeletor. Annie complains about being a teenager, everything sucks, you can’t do anything, nobody understands, wah, wah, wah. Lucille sees logic in her incessant whining and gives Annie the keys to her Palm Springs getaway. “What better place to chill out than the desert?” Who wrote this shit? Annie, correctly thinks Becky won’t go for it. It’s cool, Lucille already asked. Oh Annie, you stupid, stupid bitch.

Peach Pit. Navid’s picking up some food and asks if Silxon are going to the beach. Dixon thinks Silver has plans preparing the guest room for the Four Horseman. Trouble in paradise? He thinks her episode long bitchitude is a little much. Navid thinks that’s her bag, baby. He’s deduced, from his vast, chaste experience with woman (singular), that Silver’s foul attitude is due to “sour grapes”. She wants Dixon to tell her he loves her…or, she’s a raging bitch. Potayto, potahto.

Casa Wilson. Becky is pissed that Lucille turned up the heat again. Figuratively AND literally. Clever. Only it’s not. She wants Harry to grow some balls and stand up to the ol’ battleaxe. He respects both women, has undescended testicles, and thinks the situation is difficult since they live in her house. Maybe they should stop being freeloaders and move out? Becky agrees but needs Harry’s help. Yaaaaaaaawn. It’s this subplot over yet?

At the playground, ya know? Preggers sits alone on a swing. Naomi arrives and doesn’t think she should be there or care about Adriana. Aww, that’s sweet. Since Naomi figured out that Preggers was at the playground, she thinks that Naomi knows her pretty well. Yeah, good enough to know that she’s using again. Naomi starts to walk away when Preggers announces she’s with child. The following exchange can only be dictated verbatim as it loses a certain, I don’t know what.

Naomi: You’re?

Preggers: Pregnant.

Naomi: Pregnant pregnant?

See what I mean? It’s like poetry. Preggers doesn’t know what to do. Really, Preggers? You have NO options? GAH! Naomi asks about the father. Preggers thinks it’d be neat if she knew who it was, but thinks it’s disease infested, Hank. She’s scurred, ya’ll.

Annie’s Boudoir. She asks Ethan if he wants to go to Palm Springs. He figures that she wants to blow (heh) off the beach party to go to Palm Springs. She’s ready to go to Palm Springs. Ethan agrees to go to Palm Springs. Palm Springs, Palm Springs, Palm Springs. Oh and by Palm Springs, they mean hiding the salami, and by that they mean bumping uglies. We’re talking sex here, people.

Beach Party. A bunch of 30-year-old extras frolic on the beach. Preggers comments on the Frisbee players, “frisbeeing their cares away”. She doesn’t have to do this. “This”? Go to the beach? Single pregnant teenagers from BH go through so much. Preggers wants to stay and expose her unborn baby to harmful UV rays, plus she told Navid she’d show up. Has she told him? No, silly, they’re still together. She’ll tell him eventually, when the time is right. Naomi says she doesn’t have to decide today. She’s still got about 8 more months.

Palm Springs. Anthan arrive at the Love Shack. Palm Springs. Palm Springs? Palm Springs! Annie gives Ethan the grand tour. Dining room. (Nice) Kitchen. (Very nice.) Living room. (Awesome.) Pool. (Cool.) Oh, and the bedroom’s in the back. She chickens out thanks to a horny stare from Ethan. They decide to eat and then she can show him the bedroom. I’d stay away from anything too garlicky, you two.

Beach. Silxon arrive. What’s in the bag? Tools. Silver’s making a sand castle. Dixon stupidly thinks this is the right time to say “it”, but backs down. She blabs on and on about being a drip castle aficionado. (Had to look that one up.) Done right, it can be very Gaudi. Not gawdy, Gaudi, the Spanish architect. Damn bitch, he’s not retarded. She orders him to go get water. Dixon, so young, so whipped.

Beach Party. Preggers & Naomi are laying down sleeping under a very elaborate tent. If they aren’t in the sun, what’s the point of laying around like a cow? George emerges from the mist to mess with Pregs. “I heard West Bev’s favorite trainwreck druggie is back on tracks. Get it, tracks.” Naomi shoos him away.

Casa Wilson. The adults eat dinner. Becky asks if Annie has checked in. Lucille responds that Harry wore cloth diapers. No really, there’s a point. She’s been a parent for a very long time. An alarm goes off in Becky’s big-haired, tiny-brained head. Lucille informs the ‘rents that Annie is in Palm Springs, de-stressing from all the worries and pressure of being a white teenaged girl in an affluent city. Becky can’t believe Lucille sent her there alone. I can’t believe it’s not butter, but you learn to live another day. Harry grows some balls and puts Lucille in her place. Annie is their daughter and Lucille had no right to be a buttinski. If Lucille can’t accept that, they will move out.

Chez Whitey’s. Anthan are on course #3 of a seven course meal. There’s no In-N-Out in Palm Springs? No, but they’ll be some later! HIYO! Annie ignores a call from Becky. She trusts that Lucille handled things and doesn’t question repeated calls from her mother. Tonight is about Anthan. Never trust the elderly, Annie, even if it is Lucille Bluth, or rather, especially if it’s Lucille Bluth. Annie is ready to go to Palm Springs. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! If you can’t say the words, you aren’t ready to do it! Have you learned nothing from my teenaged mistakes?

Beach Party. Naomi trots over to The Pussycats and confronts them about telling everyone that Preggers is a druggie. They were just repeating what Naomi said. Naomi takes it back and proclaims that Pregs is her friend and that nobody talks smack about her friends. The Pussycats agree…a little too quickly, if you ask me. But Naomi doesn’t question it, nor her acting choices, apparently.

Love Shack. Kissing. I love you’s. Giggling. Annie can’t stop giggling. Damn, he hasn’t even taken his pants off yet. She’s sorry. It’s just that she’s waited so long. Yes, dear, 16 years is a long time to wait to have sex considering you just starting liking boys, what, 4-5 years ago? She’s nervous. Ethan, Man-whore, says it’s normal. Annie says it’s a big deal. Today she’s a virgin and tomorrow she won’t be. But you’ll always be a stupid beach, so really, what’s changing? She starts killing the mood by telling him she thinks she found “The One” in Ethan. To shut her up, he sticks his tongue down her throat. Clothes come off. But Ethan doesn’t get off. He can’t, what if they don’t work out, what if he hurts her? Too late. Ruh-roh.

Beach Party. George plays a douchie frat boy game and calls Navid over to shit talk Preggers. Navid informs him that Pregs is clean. George thinks he should “wake up and smell the blow”. Fake fighting ensues. Preggers pulls Navid off and asks if that display of machismo was done in defense of her honor. Navid’s sorry. (Ain’t that the truth.) She confirms that he doesn’t believe the rumors. Of course he doesn’t. Cool, everything going great. So now’s the moment, one where he just defended her honor, where they’re standing in the middle of a raging beach party, to tell him she’s pregnant. He walks away from her. I’d say he took it pretty well.

Palm Springs. Becks and Harry pull up to the Love Shack. Harry realizes Ethan’s car is in the driveway. Duh, Harry, how else was she supposed to get there and NOT lose her virginity? They go up to house and see Anthan sleeping is separate room, Annie’s chastity in tact. Becky asks what they are doing. Back in the car, Becky thinks it’s good for Annie to spend time away. Um, yeah, in 2 years, it’s called college. Way to stick to your guns, there, Becks. Harry thinks he’s been second guessing himself in the parenting department. He’s been pretty irrelevant this whole ep so I wonder what he’s talking about. He apologizes, she forgives him and let’s Lucille off the hook. And what better way to show that everything’s hunky dory than some good old fashioned car sex.

Beach Party. Somehow, two giant purple pillars of light have been erected on the beach. Silxon are finishing their sand castle. Dixon tells Silver he loves her. She pauses, stares at him, and thanks him. OUCH! She doesn’t know what to say. How about “I love you, too”. It’s high school, it doesn’t mean shit. Dumbass. He doesn’t want her to say anything back. She flips the script and goes all psycho hose beast on him. Is it obligatory for her to reply? It’s not fair for him to be angry at her when she did nothing wrong. Really? You suck, Silver. Dixon thinks she’s over-reacting. She thinks she reacting. Dixon, rightfully, calls her a freak.

Palm Springs. Anthan walk out and notice the ‘rents car. “[The] are here, in Palm Springs?” So, did the writer of this ep make a deal with the Palm Spring tourism board or something? Did he get paid per word? Is he really that shitty? Annie opens the back door and finds her parents spooning. Becky is presumably naked and possibly using the car mats as a blanket. What are they doing there? Becky and Harry could ask the same thing, but they won’t. They have to get to school.

AV Club. Pregs walks in and asks Navid how his walk went. He’s good. He’d like to tell her he can handle her pregnancy by some other dude, he just doesn’t know how to handle this. He’s sorry. While I understand that it sucks that your girl got knocked up by one of many guys, it’s still a dick move. He knows her history and decides now is the time to quit his savior act? You sicken me, Navid.

Hallway. Silver walks up to Dixon. She apologizes. Dixon gives her a half-hearted “It’s cool”. He’d like to pretend it never happened. I feel the same way about this episode. He leaves her feeling guilty, and hopefully, rethinking that outfit.

Casa Wilson. Lucille makes herself a smoothie. She doesn’t turn the blender off when Becky walks up and stares at her for a couple of seconds. Heh. Becky gives in. The kids can have the car. She tries to keep some face by saying that they’ll have to pay for their own gas and insurance. So, Dixon’s set. Is Annie’s lazy ass gonna get a job? Ooh! She should work at that snooty Rodeo Drive boutique, managed by that racist white lady Brenda worked for. That’s what this show is missing. That and talented actors.

Lucille loses some points in my book and apologizes, she crossed the line. Becky wants to continue living rent-free/work this out. Ground rules will be set. Great. Lucille works well with structure, but it’ll have to wait. Lucille got the part. (oh yeah, remember that plot point? I didn’t.) But it’s OK, she thinks Becky’s got it covered. Plus, it’s good they got the car, she wouldn’t want to drive the old one after what Harry and Becky did in it. Oh Lucille, come back to us soon!

PE. Naomi owes Preggers an apology. She confesses to telling The Pussycats that Pregs was using again. (For some reason, I forgot that The Pussycats’ real name was “The Blendeds”. The reason possibly being that it’s fucking stupid.) Naomi says she did it cause she was really hurt and angry after she tried to help Pregs before and was just let down. So, Preggers apologizes to Naomi. This girl needs some self-respect, stat! Naomi asks where they stand. Pregs says “Well, I’m 16, I’m having a baby, so that makes me a walking statistic, and my boyfriend just broke up with me”. Well, that’s where YOU stand, Pregs, but that’s not what she was asking. Naomi tells her she’s there to help her in whatever she decides.

WBHS. Ethan tells Annie that his freak out wasn’t because he didn’t want to jump her bones, but because he realized that he too was a sappy bitch and wanted to establish a strong foundation in their relationship. In the meantime, BJ’s in the parking lot? He asks if they can take things slow and proposes a movie date and possible heavy petting. She agrees.

Fin.

Next ep: Ryan’s back? Ty’s back? Someone dies in a fiery car crash? There seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel.