90210: Gasmii Don’t Preach, She’s In Trouble Deep

Konnichiwa Gasmii! Wow, it’s been an action packed week. Lost came back from hiatus, America’s first black president was sworn in, Lost, I got a new cell phone, Lost. And somewhere in the middle of all that awesomeness we got a new ep of 90210!

Previously: Ryan and undercover kop, Kim, get close. Because he can’t keep it in his pants, he’s asked to take a leave. Silver rips him a new one in her blog. Kelly thinks any girl would be lucky to get them a piece of Ryan. Ty and Annie “performed” in Spring Awakening and hooked up. Dixon tells Silver he loves her. She freaks, as freaks often do. Adriana is the new fresh face of teenage pregnancy. Naomi and her are BFF!

WBHS. Harry and Ryan cruise the hall. Hey, look at that, Ryan got a haircut. He looks thinner, too. Still dresses like a high school English teacher, though. Harry got the school board to approve his trip to Berkeley. Ryan wants him to ask someone else. He doesn’t know how much longer he’ll be teaching. He started out wanting to make a difference but now is just there to do a job and cash a paycheck. I hear that, brother.

Ryan bumps into a surprised Kelly. He didn’t call her to tell her he was back. Was he supposed to? OUCH! She doesn’t take the hint and asks him to lunch. He doesn’t think it’s a good idea. She’s left to eat his dust as he walks away.

Dixon and Ethan cruise down another hall. Ethan asks if Dixon will be running the lights for the new play. He doesn’t know but informs Ethan that Silver is stage-managing. Since Ethan assumes Dixon is Silver’s bitch, he thinks that means yes. Dixon corrects him that it’s an “I don’t know”. Showing an ability to read people that is lacking in others on this show, Ethan asks if they’re OK. They’re pretending to be. Dixon avoids any more small talk by telling Ethan to go say hi to Annie…

…Who’s standing with some random girls. She turns to Ethan and recites lines from (according to Google) Shakespeare’s Antony and Cleopatra. She claims it’s “so poetic, so eloquent, so Shakespearean”. She really has a way with words, this one. She’s glad the new drama teacher chose it and wants to play Cleopatra soooo bad. Ethan thinks she’ll do great. Ethan also wants to jump her bones, so what he thinks is wrong. Annie continues to blabber on and one about how it’s a role she’s always wanted to play, she knew she’d get it one day, but never thought in high school. Counting your eggs before they hatch there, Chicken Legs?

The drama teacher comes out to post the audition sign-up sheet. She’s been on-screen for all of 5 seconds and is already bugging the shit out of me. She kinda looks like a cross between Cousin Geri from Facts of Life and Helena Bonham Carter in Planet of the Apes. She wishes everyone luck and begs for a lawsuit by discouraging any epileptics from auditioning due to the use of strobe lights in the play. She sucks. Some random drama nerd tries to kiss her ass by telling her he saw the Equus she directed…She cuts him off by telling him to kiss her ass by washing her car. Ugh. Tool. She notices Annie and says that she saw a tape of her in Spring Awakening, “pretty damn impressive stepping in like that”. She looks forward to her audition. I look forward to her slow, painful death.

Ethan thinks her odds are good. Annie thinks he should audition, too, that way they can spend time together. Ethan points in disgust to the drama nerds and says that he’s not an actor. Annie says there are tons of small parts. Correction: not small parts, only small actors. She means there are tons of less time consuming parts. He thinks that five minutes on stage would make him sweat more than an entire lacrosse game. He should probably see someone about that. She tells him he’d make a good Egyptian slave boy; she’d summon him to her chamber. He thinks it’s an enticing offer. Enticing or revolting, you make the call.

Elsewhere on campus, Pregs drinks coffee and eats a candy bar. Naomi comes up and comments on her nutritious breakfast. So what’s up, Pregs? Well, she’s got a toothpaste commercial audition after school and tomorrow she auditions for Antony and Cleopatra. She wants to get Cleo because it’s a “dark, tragic role” and she’s never done anything like it before…on stage. Naomi says it sounds like she’s really busy (um, yeah until tomorrow afternoon). Pregs hopes she doesn’t smile during her suicide monologue or kill herself during her toothpaste commercial. How about killing yourself now? She gets up for another cup of coffee and Naomi wonders if it’s a good idea. Because of the toothpaste commercial? No, dipshit, because your pregnant. Remember? She hasn’t been to the doctor due to her hectic schedule that apparently doesn’t start until that afternoon and ends the next day. She orders a coffee but has to borrow a dollar from Naomi who thinks she should deal with it.

Ryan’s Class. The students file in and Blonde Boy asks how South Korea was. Ryan was actually in South Dakota and it was fine. Brunette Boy asks if the cop uses her handcuffs in bed. Instead of answering the perfectly legitimate question, he tells the class to take their seats that are now in alpha order. Hey? Only uncool teachers that have lost their desire to teach do that! Everyone sits, except for Silver. She doesn’t have an assigned seat because he’s transferring her out of his class. He filled out the forms and discussed it with Harry, but felt that a full classroom was the right place to tell her she’s been transferred to Mr. Kaplan’s class. Why? In a nut shell, he doesn’t feel he can objective due to the fact that he read the part of her blog where she calls him a child-molesting pervert, almost getting him fired. Oh right, that. He proceeds with the uninspired lesson given by the substitute and dismisses “Ms. Silver”.

Commercial Audition. The casting director thanks Pregs for coming. Pregs thanks her. The castings director thanks her for thanking her, and so on. Naomi and Kelly show up. Kelly tells her they need to talk.

Casting Director’s Office/Soap Box Derby. Pregs can’t believe Naomi brought “the freaking guidance counselor”. Yup, the same one who took you to get tested for HIV and was there when you found out you were pregnant. Ass. Kelly tells her that Naomi thought she’d be a good resource for her. Pregs need to see a doctor and start taking care of herself. As a teen mom she’s at risk for all kinds of problems. And also eligible for welfare, so really, you give a little you get a little. If she doesn’t take care of herself she could lose the baby. Naomi counters that Pregs is only 16 and she should consider her “options”. Kelly fires back that kids these days are able to do “this” with the right support. Naomi, rebuttal? Pregs’ dad is gone and her mom is a nightmare. Touché.

Pregs tells Naomi to shut it. Naomi says that Pregs deserves to live her life and have a real family some day…”I’m saying you should have an abortion”. Kelly agrees that Pregs should consider all of her options, but in her experience teens rush into abortion like it’s their only option. She could give it up for adoption. Maybe give her baby to a single, working actress who recently found out she couldn’t have kids who shares the same hair color? Naomi incredulously asks if Kelly thinks Pregs is responsible enough, no offense. Pregs, correctly tells them to get their game plan straight before they start telling trying to tell people what to do. Kelly tells her that she has to take control of her life before it takes control of her. That one shuts Pregs up real quick.

Cafeteria. Silver’s bitching about being kicked out of Ryan’s class, he’s the only teacher who’s not a “brain dead zombie jerk”. I demand a recount. Dixon has pretty much had it with her but doesn’t smack a bitch, just yet. He reminds her about her exposé on underage girls and the teachers who love them. According to her source at the rumor mill, Ryan did it, so in her mind she didn’t do anything wrong. She’s the reason blogs don’t get any journalistic respect. Still, continues Dixon, Ryan’s feelings were hurt and guys try to act like they don’t have feeling or get hurt by what she says, but Dixon they does. His poignant speech falls on deaf ears as Silver decides to win Ryan back by writing the “bestest paper ever!” on Heart of Darkness. Disappointment, thy name is Dixon.

Naomi’s House. A lady stands on the dining room table barefoot admiring the moldings. Naomi walks in and asks her who the hell she is. She’s Lucinda, Power Realtor. She’s there to do a walk-thru for the broker pre-tour. “I don’t understand a single world you just said, so…” BAAAH. She may be the one of the worst actresses to ever grace my television set, but sometimes AnnaLynne McCord can really nail a line reading. Christian appears and fills Naomi in on what her bitch face mom didn’t. Tracy’s not in Paris as Naomi thought. She’s actually laying low in NYC for some R & R. He doesn’t know how long she’ll be there so he’s taking advantage and selling the house. Naomi can live with him and Gayle at the beach house.

Highway, Night. Pregs drive and chain drinks coffee and eat candy bars. Naomi texts her wondering where she is. You know, for as shitty as Naomi is as a person, she’s really a good friend. Morning comes and Pregs is still driving. She almost gets in an accident and pulls over to the side of the road, shaken and stirred. She pulls herself together and drives off the opposite direction.

Beach House. Naomi walks into the kitchen as her dad and Gayle make out. Naomi has to go back to the house to get her favorite jeans. Christian thinks she should wear one of the 1,394,204 pairs he’s bought her. Gayle wants to talk to Naomi. “Right, you’re glad I’m here, you’re not trying to replace my mom and you want us to be pals, squawk, squawk, squawk.” Heh. Actually, she wanted to talk about the noise that woke her up at 3am. Naomi showers at night and has to dry her hair otherwise she’s a hot tranny mess. Naomi has a spoonful of her Kids cereal and says she’s done. Christian tells her to sit her ass down, it’s his house and she’ll do what he says.

Kelly’s House of Boring Character We Once Loved. Silver’s on the couch typing on her laptop. ME TOO! Did she stay up all night? Yeah, except for those 2 hours of drool-filled sleep. Kelly is glad Silver is excited about schoolwork. Unlike the teenage Kelly we loved and lost to character assassination. Silver thinks Ryan will send her a hand-written invitation back to his class. Kelly didn’t know about the transfer and asks why he did that. Silver oversimplifies the situation with “You know Matthews. He’s a little bit sensitive”. Kelly nostrils fill with rage. Is there no other way to convey that emotion?

WBHS. Anthan rehearse. Ethan line reads badly. Ty finishes the lines and says he like the way Ethan enunciates. (Where the hell has he been?) Ethan fights back with telling him he likes the way Ty wears his jeans, just one size too small. He makes a small penis gesture with his hand. “Not many guys can pull that off.” After a quick death stare, he asks Annie if she wants to rehearse since they’ll be auditioning together. He misses acting with her. Ty leaves and Annie asks if Ethan minds. Ethan? Jealous? Of that pretty boy? Nah. Annie ain’t quite buying it.

Women’s Clinic. Preggers pulls up.

Auditions. Ty and Annie are up. Geri Bonham Carter likes what she saw. Annie thinks it went well. She reminds Ty that she’s with Ethan now. And why wouldn’t he know that? They go to the same school. Ty is cool with it, but kind of surprised she’s with a jock. He says they’ll keep things professional. They’ll make West Beverly theatre history…you know, once Annie gets her shit straight. Whuh? He means that she wasn’t always giving emotion, which made it hard for him to find some of his beats. Instead of telling him that a good actor would have already worked out

his beats while preparing/telling him to shove it, she takes it and doesn’t say anything.

Ryan’s Class. Kelly barges in and asks what his problem is taking out a personal grudge on a student? He shouldn’t punish her sister because they couldn’t get together. “You know what? West Beverly High doesn’t revolve around Kelly Taylor’s love life.” Remember when it did? Good times. Kelly thinks she’s the one that should be pissed. “Brenda? Really?” Really. Really? Really. His decision had nothing to do with Kelly or “them”. Then what? He had a lot of time to think in South Dakota. Um yeah, what the hell else was he gonna do? His conclusion: he’s burned out. Kelly thinks 23 is too young to be burned out. I think they should have gotten an actor who, at least, looks close to that age. He cries about people thinking he molested Kim and about what Silver wrote. Kelly excuses Silver’s behavior; she’s just a kid and got carried away. That makes it ok? Wow.

Ryan can’t be the same teacher he was all that half a year between getting his credential and now. He’s done teaching at the end of the year and then he doesn’t know what. He tries to hand Kelly Silver’s paper. That’s not the Ryan Matthews she knows. Well, maybe Kelly doesn’t know him. Maybe she doesn’t want to. Nuh-uh. Does to. She knows one thing (that’s one more than I thought she did), he’s a good teacher, and what kind of teacher doesn’t read a paper from a kid who busted her ass to write it. Well, one who isn’t persuaded by a self-righteous blonde tart in a tight skirt. Ryan Matthews isn’t one of those teachers.

Auditions. Pregs shows up late. She’s sorry, she had a doctor’s appointment. Geri Bonham Carter tells her that auditions are over. Pregs pleads with her, she knows the whole play. She asks to do the suicide scene. GBC scoffs, “This is not how we do it in New York, honey.” Is that why you’re “doing it” as a high school drama teacher. Shut up, GBC. Pregs does the scene anyway. GBC watches pensively, then smiles.

Naomi’s House. She walks up the stairs and sees a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom. She overhears Christian telling someone, “I trust you won’t tell Gayle about this”. A woman replies “I trust you won’t tell the other brokers”.

Casa Wilson. Becky thinks Dixon would like to invite Silver over for dinner. It’d be nice at some point. She’s never been invited for dinner? Well, I guess she doesn’t get that skinny by eating. Becky notices the pained look on Dixon’s face and asks what’s wrong. He relays the “I Love You” incident and Silver’s subsequent freak out. Becky asks if they’ve talked about it. He says they swept it under they rug. Umm, if I recall correctly, YOU swept it under the rug and you DID try to talk to her about it, albeit, indirectly, but she’s too much of a self-centered bitch to realize what you actually meant. Details, details. Becky relates a real boring story about Harry and flowers. The point is, Silver’s not a mind reader, or a good listener, so if he’s upset, he has to tell her.

Beach. Naomi’s sits on the beach with a bonfire for one. Pregs comes up. She’s sorry, she had to drive. “Where to Solvang?” That was random. She just drove trying to figure out what to do. As she drove up the coast, she kept seeing people frolicking on the beach, without a care in the world. She thought, “[Pregs], you’re never gonna be like them again”. See this? It’s the world’s tiniest violin. Whatever she decides, abortion or having the baby, how will she ever fly a kite again? You’re killing me! She mentions her almost accident and how she realized that she had to take control of the situation. She went to the Women’s Clinic, but she couldn’t, she can’t. Naomi says she understands and that she doesn’t think she’d be able to go through with it…”I can’t, I’m too far along, it’s not legal, it’s not possible, abortion just isn’t an option. Whether I like it or not, I’m having this baby.” Well, there’s always falling down the stairs? I’m sure Ray Pruitt’s available.

Beach House. Naomi informs her dad that she reserved a hotel suite until her mom gets back. What hotel would rent a room to a 16-year-old?! He doesn’t think so, he’s her father, there’s no option. Technically, he is Naomi’s father but he’s not much of a parent, he hasn’t earned that right. She claims that there are teenagers straight out of rehab that can’t afford a cup of coffee that will make a better parent than him. Instead of asking for physical proof of such a crazy statement he tells her she can’t talk to him like that. She tells him about her visit to the house yesterday around 3pm and wonders how in the world the broker is going to sell the house, what with his penis inside her. Christian angry whispers, “I’m your father”. She doesn’t need a father anymore.

Ryan’s Class. Silver comes in. Ryan read her paper. He claims it wasn’t bad. He likes that she read the book and liked reading what she thought. Oh NOW you like to read what she thinks. Make up your mind. The point is, Ryan lets the Taylor-Silver women tell him what to do and lets Silver back in his class. Wuss.

Hallway. GBC walks thru a crowd of students and thanks everyone who auditioned as she posts the cast roster. Annie got the part of…Charmain. Random Drama Nerd tells her that it’s a pretty good part. Not good, but pretty good. Despite being Cleo’s fav servant BFF and dying at the end, Annie isn’t pleased. Ethan checks the roster. He got the part of Mardian the Eunuch. Annie’s surprised he auditioned. He thought they could hang out. Annie doesn’t seem too happy. Bitter, party of one. Random Drama Nerd #2 comes running up and asks who got the lead.

Cut to Pregs. She’s talking to Kelly and Naomi. Kelly tells her that she’s there for Pregs for whatever she wants or needs. Pregs apologizes for being such a C You Next Tuesday. It’s cool, Pregs. Kelly knows you’re just a kid and got carried away. Naomi runs down all the things they need to do: get medical info, Kelly can hook her up with a support group for pregnant teens, get the best OB/GYN in town, “Platinum speculum all the way”. Yuck. Kelly tells her that the nosy doctors will want to know who the father is. So…it looks like she got knocked up BEFORE rehab and that her overdose, miraculously, didn’t induce a miscarriage. Pregs admits that Hank is not the father. In fact, there’s only one guy it could be…and here he is!

It’s Ty. He congratulates her on getting the part. Naomi and Kelly figure from the obvious freaked out look on Preggers face that Ty is the father. He feels the vibe of the table and slowly backs away. He’ll see Pregs at dinner.

Casa Wilson. Annie’s lying around in a dark room. What was that about no small parts, just small actors? Ethan stops by to pick Annie up for the cast & crew dinner. She’s all SOUR GRAPES and isn’t going. He thought that the whole point of the play was to be together. She tells him to go. He leaves after reaffirming that she’s the leading lady in his life.

Restaurant. GBC walks up to Ryan. He welcomes her to West Beverly. He’s there for the free food and he was thinking of putting the play on his syllabus. Would she be interested in talking to the class from a director/ape perspective? She likes his interdisciplinary angle. She bats her eyelashes a couple of times but he doesn’t take the bait.

Dixon walks in and Silver yanks him down to her table. He’s late, what happened? He starts to tell her but she cuts him off to tell him about getting back into Ryan’s class. She interrupts him twice until he FINALLY gets the cajones to tell her off. He tells her the fight freaked him out, he knows she’s intense and has big moods and a lot of them. So? So he’s dumping her ass. Thank the Lord.

Pregs thanks Naomi for coming to the party. Naomi says she likes theater people, in small doses. I hear that. Ty walks in and waves at Pregs. Naomi asks if she told him yet. Eventually…

Annie’s Boudoir. Harry and Becks interrupt Annie’s sulking. Annie really thought she was going to get the part. Becky tells her to stop being an ungrateful brat that she does have something to celebrate. She relates a story about a summer internship that wasn’t her first choice but, Annie finishes, ended up being the best thing that could have happened. Harry says bottom line, she got beat. It happens to the best teams. In other words, get over it. But she’s bummed, and then gets bummed that she’s bummed, and so on. She doesn’t think she’s a good enough actress to hide her disappointment at the party. Harry lies to the poor girl and tells her she is. Think of it as a challenge.

Annie calls Ethan to tell him she changed her mind. He’s happy and agrees to go pick her up. His SUV passes a stop sign. Annie hears a horn, and a crash. Ethan? Ethan! Ethan!